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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To subtly draw a line in the sand regarding holiday child care

113 replies

voluptuagoodshag · 26/03/2015 13:34

Gosh I feel rubbish even writing that but I don't want to be taken advantage of and don't want to feel obliged to offer all the time.
Basically I am a SAHM. This is the choice I made to suit our family best. Part of the reason is because I didn't want to have to try to find child care during school holidays and in-service days or farm my kids out to friends and family.
So, when holidays loom, some friends/other parents who work PT/FT start to drop hints about childcare. Some are very subtle (or perhaps I am just paranoid), some less so.
I do offer to have some kids sometimes and I know that my kids are welcome in return for plays but I don't want it to be something that's seen as a given iykwim. I invite kids round to play all the time but I can't help feel there is a difference between being invited for a play and providing childcare.
I'm happy to watch kids in emergencies and would like to think that I can ask the same.
I like the freedom to be able to take kids wherever on holidays and have nice days out without changing the dynamics of my family unit. Yeah, sometimes I take other kids along but I want it to be when it suits me.
It might sound horribly selfish and I don't mind the odd day but when there are several families all dropping hints at the same time, I could find myself minding other people's kids for free every single day of the holidays.

OP posts:
missymayhemsmum · 27/03/2015 17:41

Mmm, seeing the other side of it here.... DD going, but Muuumm, WHY do I have to go to holiday club! It's sooo boring!! Pleeease can you ask bf's mum if I can go round there???? Pleease???? Me and bf have planned xyz. And bf's mum really likes me, I'll be good!!!Bf's mum doesn't go to work, she says she LIKES having a housefull of kids.....
And there's me thinking...yes that'd be great but how can I ask her without her thinking I'm taking the piss??

sanfairyanne · 27/03/2015 17:51

thats how i am, love a house full of kids, quite happy to have kids over instead of holiday club as mine dont like holiday club either.

OneMagnumisneverenough · 27/03/2015 17:53

missmayhem Maybe you need to speak to the holiday club about what they are offering? My answer was always, you need to go because I need to go to work. If I don't go to work then we don't have a roof over our heads or food on the table.

As far as your dilemma goes, I'd wait to be asked.

CaptainSubtext · 27/03/2015 18:03

Of course YANBU.

I made the choice to keep working PT when DH got FT work (after years off due to injury), knowing that part of it is that we would sometimes need to pay for childcare. I would never assume that a SAHM would just do it for free, that's taking the piss.

expatinscotland · 27/03/2015 18:12

'yes that'd be great but how can I ask her without her thinking I'm taking the piss??'

You don't. You don't invite yourself or your child places. You wait to be invited.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 27/03/2015 18:33

I remember when my sister was pregnant and we were discussing what she would do after mat leave. She has a well-paid job. At the time I'd more or less decided that I wouldn't be going back to work after my mat leave with my own DS because I was only in a very low-paid job with not much prospects and childcare wouldn't be affordable. My mum had offered to mind my DS part-time but it was too far a distance between her house and my work and the petrol money and hassle of getting up at the crack of dawn just wasn't worth it. I knew we would struggle with money on just DH's wage but on balance I considered that it was doable for a year or 2 and would mean that my DS would have my undivided attention.

upon hearing I would not be returning to work she just assumed that I would look after her kid when she went back too. For nowt. I was pretty shocked at that assumption. I mean, 6 month old babies are hard work and I had my own to look after. I just shrugged and said "we could try it. You'd have to pay me a bit. Not as much as nurseries obviously. But I would need money to cover expenses at the very least."

"But why?!"

"To be honest if I was choosing to look after a second baby then I may as well become a registered childminder and earn some money for the extra work it would bring as DH and I struggle on one wage."

She really took umbrage that I would want to charge even a small amount for the task of looking after her child, while she went back to work guilt-free, knowing that her beloved child was being looked after by a blood relative, not a nursery, earning a tidy sum of money in the process, all of which she would be able to spend on luxuries like designer clothes and holidays, while WE were struggling to pay the bills and having the added hassle of minding her (difficult) child.

I still think all these years later she feels I was wrong to refuse. I don't think she has any idea how cheeky I thought her request (assumption) was.

I am perfectly generous with childcare. I don't work in term time and I mind her now school age kids a day here and a day there and have taken them to and from holiday clubs.

But a demanding baby, for free, is a different matter, when I had my own!

She quite often thinks the world revolves round her and her wishes though and quite often fails to see someone else's point of view if it differs from hers.

OP, you need to stay assertive and if it comes to it when asked why not just say "I don't want to, it's a hassle and reduces the choices of how I spend the day with my own child."

Molichite · 27/03/2015 18:59

Missymayhem I agree with expat I'm afraid. If all those things your DD says are true, her BF's mum will invite her. If she doesn't, you did the right thing by not asking. DC are forever saying they want to go and play with their friends. You arrange a meetup or invite the other child round instead and hope they are invited back

It is tricky if they don't like holiday club. A good one is a great thing, but they can be hard to find. We have tried a fair few. Breaking up your leave so they only have 2 or 3 days a week in hol club helps I think, but it's not always possible. Have you considered some 10-3 sort of clubs, sharing the pickups and wraparound with other parents?

voluptuagoodshag · 27/03/2015 19:01

I love that - "it reduces the choices of how I spend my day with my child"

OP posts:
CliveCussler · 27/03/2015 19:08

I only work term time. I'm quite happy to look after selected friends and relatives kids for the day in the holidays as long as the favour is returned.

selly24 · 27/03/2015 19:08

Perhaps you could plan in advance and pre-empt some of these freeloadersparents who work by sending a text /mail saying 'Wow, half term only 2 weeks away, I know DC and your anklebiter(s) sweet child(ren) like to get together so I thought I'd let you know when we are free (insert a limited number of dates and timeslots) Optional PS: have heard of a great Childminder/ temp Nanny/holiday club/ creche run by psycopaths that I thought your DCs would love! Let me know if you'd like the contact info.

voluptuagoodshag · 27/03/2015 20:06

What a sad tale Curly but not a surprising one. My friend's neighbour got her Mum to childmind her kids and she paid her. You'd think this was ok but the Granny was then put in the awkward situation that when her other two children asked her to babysit her other grandchildren (for a night out, or other normal times Grannys usually babysit) she felt she had to charge them too so the first daughter wasn't put out that her siblings were getting a freebie.

OP posts:
CaptainSubtext · 27/03/2015 20:17

My DD has made a new friend since starting home ed. She told me "M says I can go to her house and we can go to Chessington!" Me: "errrr I doubt that DD, we will arrange for her to come and play sometime instead" :o

cansu · 27/03/2015 20:23

I think there is a difference between just people you know and friends tbh. I would happily help out a friend but would not be available to anyone my kids happened to know.

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