To subtly draw a line in the sand regarding holiday child care

[voluptuagoodshag]

Gosh I feel rubbish even writing that but I don't want to be taken advantage of and don't want to feel obliged to offer all the time.
Basically I am a SAHM. This is the choice I made to suit our family best. Part of the reason is because I didn't want to have to try to find child care during school holidays and in-service days or farm my kids out to friends and family.
So, when holidays loom, some friends/other parents who work PT/FT start to drop hints about childcare. Some are very subtle (or perhaps I am just paranoid), some less so.
I do offer to have some kids sometimes and I know that my kids are welcome in return for plays but I don't want it to be something that's seen as a given iykwim. I invite kids round to play all the time but I can't help feel there is a difference between being invited for a play and providing childcare.
I'm happy to watch kids in emergencies and would like to think that I can ask the same.
I like the freedom to be able to take kids wherever on holidays and have nice days out without changing the dynamics of my family unit. Yeah, sometimes I take other kids along but I want it to be when it suits me.
It might sound horribly selfish and I don't mind the odd day but when there are several families all dropping hints at the same time, I could find myself minding other people's kids for free every single day of the holidays.

I don't think that the dad is working-he just wants me time!

If you'd like to have the boy as company for your son whilst your daughter isn't there, that's fine.

But tell them the times & that are suitable for you & that you will drop him off at Xo'clock (if that's no trouble to you) on your way out.

Otherwise you'll be getting a call saying works going on longer than anticipated.

If you are OK with that, leave it to them to collect at the time you say & if that doesn't happen, don't help them again.

My ds is quite excited at the prospect so seems a shame to deny him a morning of fun. But I will definitely be dropping x back at a certain time. At her work if need be.

I understand the problem but you do come over a bit paranoid tbh

Most of my friends work PT or FT and we help one another out. I will offer to have their DC and I ask which days it will be the most helpful to them. I don't rely on them reciprocating but often they do and that's nice. I would hate to think anyone was secretly seething or imagining that I am expecting payback or 'hinting' every time I invite their DC.

Usually my rules are that the children are genuinely friends and parents are genuinely my friends and that I don't absolutely rely on it or expect a full day (can do this because DH is self employed and can be flexible). I would only ask a favour if I really needed it eg recently had health appt where I wanted DH to be there too but not kids or swopped with another family so both parents could go to parents evening without DC.

My friend who is a SAHM offered to have DD after school one day a week when I couldn't get an afterschool club place. It was her suggestion I would never have asked for that. I paid her back via babysitting evenings which she appreciated as she had no local family. That seemed to work for everyone and I was very grateful. It's not something I would ever ask for though.

Ikwyo mamadoc. That's why I'm posting. To gauge whether I'm reading too much into it which, if so, shows me in a poor light and I'll stick my hand up and admit it. Or are some people taking advantage.
This family in question are friendly but I wouldn't say we were 'friends'. We don't have much in common with them though they are perfectly nice and their kids are too.
In the end, it's up to me to say no if it doesn't suit.

I don't know, maybe I ve been doing it wrong all these years, but round here it is really common to ask what weeks people are away/around, when they are working (lots of people switch shifts/days over holidays) to arrange playdates. You sound quite hard work tbh - why not just say no to everything or, alternatively, why not get proactive and organise the get togethers you want?

i am so glad i steer clear of the sahm when it comes to this kind of thing.

Mamadoc that does sound v different to my mind than freeloaders begging favours "because you have nothing better to do" as per midnitescribbler and others with similar stories.

OP in this case there is an attempt at reciprocating, albeit maybe a bit manipulative. The football was a good gig so fair enough that you 'owe' her in this case I think. Tit for tat is fine, just make sure it works for you as well or decline. Personally I'd be v narked at being asked to provide childcare when the child's father is available to do it, but that is more a discussion for another time.

I had a "friend" who used to take out a rota / diary on paper when it came to the last day of school before holidays and she'd ask me to fill any gaps I could in her childcare arrangements for her - I am a sahm. I've done it for years for her, not all of it but the odd day here and there, but last year I just felt I'd had enough. The girls were growing apart and weren't even friends and she and I were never really close either. I think it's really cheeky to stand their with your diary out expecting people to provide you with free childcare when other like myself used to have to pay when I used to work. It's really off.

Yanbu.

I've not come across this at all (im a sahm) closest I've been to seeing it is one of the other mums latching on to me at school and then texting me constantly to ask if I could pick up her child/collect him from her home & take him to school for her (she too was a sahm)....she soon stopped when I started not seeing her texts until an hour after school start/leave time and now I collect my dd's from the office so dont see any of the parents in the playground anymore.

I was however informed by my dm last week that my DB and SIL are expecting to rely on me for help taking dn to and from school (plus caring for him until they get home) when he goes in a couple of years as he'll be attending the same school as mine...that did make me chuckle however as aside from the fact I would expect not to be a sahm in 2-3 years time, I barely hear from them despite texting to ask if they want to meet up etc added the fact the only time I asked them for help I got charged more than a taxi would have cost to take my (then) 2 week old to a&e...and I have absolutely no help or support from anyone even when I was on crutches after my second child was born im not feeling that forthcoming with putting myself out for people...I think I'm getting grumpy the older I get!

Do you ever ask for favours (real favours, not pretend ones, things that actually HELP you and not make your 'friends' feel better)? If not, why not?

Because I'm a SAHM, and with a DH who travels a lot, I help out friends who work when their regular childcare falls through (CM, so ill children etc) or they have to work extra hours, but they do favours for me too, I have DC at different schools so if I want to go to one of their activities, they pick up the other DC from his school and keep him for a few hours.

Another friend has become a closer friend since we have started swapping favours, I have her DD after school to give her a few extra hours to focus on her work, and she or her DH will often take my DS to sports activities on the weekend when they clash with my other sons' as our boys are on the same team.

It all works because we swap favours so often, but as others have said, the boys are friends, and we are friends. We're all very careful not to take the piss, and all genuinely appreciative of the favours. AND we see each other away from the DC!!

I did a favour for another friend who I've never helped out before, and she gave me a gift to say thank you which although very kind and thoughtful of her, actually made me feel as though it was a bigger deal than it needed to be.

I think your getting a rough rude here op and you sound completely sensible to me.

I have met freeloaders like this who go from 'friend to friend' dumping their kids on any willing victim and once they have a grip the dumping goes on longer and more frequently.

Not saying this is the case for the ops friend but you need a certain level of experience to spot them and deflect because most people's Normal instincts are to help out and be kind and at first you don't realise you are being taken for a bloody mug.

I avoid these types too as a cm as they are invariably late to pick up and tardy at payment. Bitter experience.

Our local group of cms have a verbal black list of such parents and they don't get childcare places because of it. That's often why they latch onto other parents.

MakeIt absolutely that's fine and we all do that but there are those types who take the piss.

I suppose it boils down to if it works for you it's fine if not don't do it.

I don't have the need to ask favours often but I have done to cover appointments etc. and am very appreciative.
Checking over last few messages and realised that I've been asked by this family every other weekend if x can come. I know it's because of the nature of their work childminding is difficult. Yes they have reciprocated offering to have ds. I think I have asked them once if ds could go after school as I had to take dd to doctor. So I suppose that is the only genuine need the other times DS has been there has been by invitation. Their ds has been here mostly because they have asked if he can come. I used to invite him more but now as it seems he wants to come every other weekend (usually with sibling), I invite him less. Which is a shame. Perhaps aI am just a grumpy old mare.
part of the reason for my grumpiness about it is we live in a place where there are lots of kids. So x and sibling will come, then another boy will appear, then another. And suddenly I've 4-5 boys and a daughter who wants a pal round too. I usually kick them all out to play but on rainy days they usually play in as boys do and then transporting them anywhere to kick off steam becomes a logistical nightmare.
Oh for the days when kids just all played outside and came back at tea time.

Some people have such a nerve. I once met a friend for lunch and she brought along one of her friends... who after meeting me once asked if I'd mind looking after her baby when she went back to work!!? I'm not a childminder or teacher by the way. In return she would look after my kids if I wanted a night out! I was completely

And obviously I said NO!

It is tricky though when you are working - although as I said above I totally appreciate it is nobody elses problem but my own families.

I used to be very much of the camp that I would pay for childcare and never be beholden to anyone else, but then DS started really kicking off about holiday club. I feel guilty enough about punting him off when his pals are off school anyway without forcing him to do something he doesn't want to - although he quite enjoys it once he is there. We have no relatives that can help out and there are a lot of school holidays. So those with young DCs just watch out - it could happen to you.

I must admit that last sports day I was the one clutching my holiday club form seeing if DS's friends could have him for one day in the holidays, just so he wasn't in hc for blocks of time.

I hated doing it, I do appreciate I probably looked cheeky, but these are DS's pals that we have over regularily - I probably host more DCs than DS ever goes to - for DS's birthday tomorrow we are having 3 DCs for a sleepover .If they are going to have DS over then why not do it at a time that suits both of us.

I totally understand that some people are complete cheeky takers, but threads like this make me nervous in case I'm ever treading over that fine line between helping each other out and taking the mick.

rookie, most people will be happy to help you out if you are stuck and won't think you're a pisstaker. Despite not liking looking after other people's dc I have done it for mum's who've been stuck and haven't minded.

The problem is those parents who expect help on a regular basis and aren't offering something in return that the other person will actually benefit from.

Yanbu. You get the advantage of not having to worry about childcare but have the costs to career and losing an income. WOHM get the income etc but have the stress of childcare etc. Would be unfair if they expect no cost to themselves whatsoever!

Mine always went to out of school care - cost me a fortune, they missed out playing out with their mates and they never ever got a long lie. They did howvere enjoy it and on the last couple of years i was able to negotiate my hours so that on days they had a trip and were away from early til late, i'd work longer in the office and on other days I'd only put them in for a half a day and work a shorter day. I eventually got a laptop so would do some shorter days at home so they didn't go in at all and i was free in the afternoon to do things with them. They are now young teens and too old to do holiday care but I'm not really comfortable with them being alone all day every day for weeks on end. It isn't that I don't trust them, more that because they are quiet, dont go to school locally and they've never had time at holidays to spend at home, they dont have a network of people to do things with or things to do so would basically still be on computer games and in their pyjamas when i got home from work - still not sure what I am going to do this year :(

YANBU. I think part of is that so many families have dual working couples now, including grandparents and other relatives, that there is no one they know with the free time to look after their kids. Really long working hours too, whatever their incomes. Some people also resent paying through the nose for formal childcare. Not that any of that is your problem and they shouldn't presume you have loads of free time,will be home all holidays yourself or that, even if you were, you'd want to do it for free or less than CC. I'd brush off any hints, subtle or direct, by saying you've heard the local holiday care scheme is fantastic and they should look into it.

Reciprocal favours, beneficial to both parties, are different.

Yanbu. As we are two working parents we are already sorting out paid for childcare for the summer. You have too plan in advance.

er clearly yanbu. I work and would never dream of doing this. But omg this year the school hols are 7 weeks ! I will be off for 3 of them, I'm lucky that MIL will have dd probably for a week, so leaving 3. We can muddle through 1 so leaving 2 weeks of holiday club.

Argh! My pet hate! I get endless hints, I work evenings and weekends BECAUSE HAVE NO CHILDCARE so why would I use the free time I do have to let someone else work 9-5?

Ooh that was a tad aggressive.

tobys we have 7 weeks every year - apart from the year we had 8! We only had enough holidays for 2 weeks in the summer and selfishly we wanted to have a family holiday together, leaving 6 weeks x 2 children in OSC - Our bill was in excess of 1.5k that year (can't remember the exact amount) plus money for trips added a few hundred on top - and that was for a council run facility so slightly less cost that a private one I guess. And that's not counting the cost for half terms and the extra petrol used to get them there and back every day. Plus the fact that they have to get up early for the whole holidays and I still have to make packed lunches every day.

it's a lot of money but at least I wasn't scrabbling about asking for favours and peeing everyone off.