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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To subtly draw a line in the sand regarding holiday child care

113 replies

voluptuagoodshag · 26/03/2015 13:34

Gosh I feel rubbish even writing that but I don't want to be taken advantage of and don't want to feel obliged to offer all the time.
Basically I am a SAHM. This is the choice I made to suit our family best. Part of the reason is because I didn't want to have to try to find child care during school holidays and in-service days or farm my kids out to friends and family.
So, when holidays loom, some friends/other parents who work PT/FT start to drop hints about childcare. Some are very subtle (or perhaps I am just paranoid), some less so.
I do offer to have some kids sometimes and I know that my kids are welcome in return for plays but I don't want it to be something that's seen as a given iykwim. I invite kids round to play all the time but I can't help feel there is a difference between being invited for a play and providing childcare.
I'm happy to watch kids in emergencies and would like to think that I can ask the same.
I like the freedom to be able to take kids wherever on holidays and have nice days out without changing the dynamics of my family unit. Yeah, sometimes I take other kids along but I want it to be when it suits me.
It might sound horribly selfish and I don't mind the odd day but when there are several families all dropping hints at the same time, I could find myself minding other people's kids for free every single day of the holidays.

OP posts:
Original poster
voluptuagoodshag · 26/03/2015 14:06

"Do not respond to subtle hints" Grin yes I shall repeat that mantra to myself every evening. And you are right. I shouldn't feel guilty or selfish, it's not my problem.

OP posts:
Lindy2 · 26/03/2015 14:09

You are not being unreasonable at all. Looking after other people's children is a big responsibility and hard work. Ignore their hints, say no if directly asked for care, if you want playdates be clear and set in advance the start and end times. Just because you are home with your children doesn't mean you provide free childcare to others. I am a childminder and had an issue where a so called friend kept wanting me to look after her two very hard work children as well but for free, as we were friends. Every morning I would turn my phone on and find a text from her asking me to have her children for the day. It was pretty stressful but after I said no about 10 times in a row she stopped asking. It did end our friendship though, but for me that was actually quite a relief.

Pyjamasandwine · 26/03/2015 14:11

Get this one.

I am a cm and don't work Fridays and one of my lovely parents doesn't either. She looked after a friends child for one Friday, all good, and now this friend has started to drop her kid to her house on a regular basis. Sometimes without asking. And going to work all day!!!

When this lovely mum tried to say she couldn't have the kid the other woman asked her why??

Cheeky cow has major form for this.

I have empowered this nice woman and taught her to say no no no not suiting me anymore. The friend has moved into another person now.

Some people have absolutely no shame.

Op just say you have lots of plans with your family so couldn't possibly commit. Deaf ear.

Pyjamasandwine · 26/03/2015 14:14

lindy as a Cm though couldn't you just Say they would put you over your numbers and Blame Ofsted? Wink that's what I do with potential clients from hell.

frog51 · 26/03/2015 14:17

I work from home and have the same problem. I get really fed up with being expected to look after and feed other peoples kids during holiday time. The favour never gets returned either.

expatinscotland · 26/03/2015 14:19

'It did end our friendship though, but for me that was actually quite a relief.'

It wasn't a friendship, just one person trying to leech off another.

'No, that doesn't work for me.'

'Why not?'

'Because it doesn't work for me and my family.'

Over and over.

expatinscotland · 26/03/2015 14:20

'I work from home and have the same problem. I get really fed up with being expected to look after and feed other peoples kids during holiday time. The favour never gets returned either.'

Then don't do it. 'I'm working and cannot look after other children. You need to make other arrangements.'

Aridane · 26/03/2015 14:21

YABU for wanting only to draw a subtle line. No need to be rude - but clarity / clear communication might be in order

iloveaglassofwine · 26/03/2015 14:22

YANBU. I work PT and also from home, I have been asked to help out in the holidays on days when I'm working which just wouldn't work. I used to say yes but I have found my balls got better at saying no now. Even on days I don't work, I'd rather not - it's nice to have my kids to myself sometimes and I like the flexibility of being able to decide on the day what we do.

Fooshufflewickbannanapants · 26/03/2015 14:23

Definitely not bu. I am currently a sahm and we have 6 children people usually try... One more won't make a difference in your house! I don't mind emergencies or when I offer but actually one more DOES make a difference!

Aubrianna · 26/03/2015 14:27

YANBU the only person I would offer unlimited childcare to would be my sister anyone else would be emergencies/one offs only!

OddFodd · 26/03/2015 14:32

I work for myself. If I ever ask friends to look after DS in the holidays because I'm working, I pay them. As I know there's only one friend that needs the cash/isn't going out, she's the only person I ask.

I am collecting a friend of DS's from school tomorrow but they offered to have him over after school one afternoon next week in return.

It's got to be reciprocal. I'd just say 'sorry, I can't' if someone asks you. Ignore subtle hints and be vague about plans too. Don't let anyone pin you down!

Morelikeguidelines · 26/03/2015 14:34

That is really shitty.

Am wohm and would never behave that way.

DazzleU · 26/03/2015 14:37

YANBU

I'm around at times and have found some people do this - I ignore the hints. They have never helped us when we've needed it- even when we have helped them even very recently.

I had one friend get annoyed with me - then she started trying to do me favours I didn't want or need just before holiday times - I turned them down as I knew what the next thing would be I'd be reminded of said minor favour and expected to provide free childcare.

MrsTedCrilly · 26/03/2015 14:41

YADNBU! I am continually shocked at the bare faced cheek of people. Shock

OneMagnumisneverenough · 26/03/2015 14:45

I'm a working parent and would never even think of asking!!

Effectively they want you to do without a salary which is your choice for your family, but also support them in their choice to work.

I know how difficult to find and expensive holiday care is especially when you don't need to use care during term time, it can be really difficult to find somewhere with space. However, that doesn't make it someone elses responsibility to look after your children for you.

yadnbu! tell them to feck off!

On the other hand the weirdo parents of my son's best friend (DSBF) when he was younger were a bit over the top in one scenario. It was DSBFs birthday in the summer holidays, they organised a party for him which was on an afternoon which DS would have loved to go to and his BF would have loved him to be there. DS was in Out of School care for the day. They were due to be away on a trip, so there was no option of him only attending for the morning and me nipping out in my lunch to pick him and take him to BFs house. I couldn't take the day off.

I expalined this to BF parents thinking that they would offer to have DS for the morning, they didn't so he missed the party. :(

TinklyLittleLaugh · 26/03/2015 14:54

I work from home. DD used to have a friend round regularly in the holidays and I never realised her Mum was going to her part time job at the same time.

It only came to light when she called to confirm the regular "playdate" and I pointed out that DD would be at school, (the girls were in year 7, at different high schools, with different holidays).

There was a short pause, then she told me she had to work, so could I have her daughter anyway? Er no! I am working myself, I am not an unpaid childminder.

Original poster
voluptuagoodshag · 26/03/2015 14:57

Oh DazzleU, that's it exactly. It's the favours. I'm perhaps jumping the gun but a friend has recently started pt work four afternoons a week. She has always been lovely and kind and our two DSs are pally but have grown apart a wee bit. At half term she asked if we were around, we weren't and I know that she then asked another friend to have her Ds for one afternoon.
Now I've had an email from her asking which week we are away at Easter as she'd like to have my ds round as she's at home or working. She didn't need to mention the working part. I now feel that she's offering to have my ds round so that I'll have hers when she is working. I don't want to feel that obligation.
I replied which week we were away, that DS would be delighted to come for a play and that I was happy for her ds to come for a play, ONE day. Which I am happy to do but on my terms. It's feels like the whole dynamics of our friendship have changed. But then again maybe that's just my perception of the situation which it awful if she's genuinely just being kind.
I'd rather she actually just asked straight out if I could watch DS for an afternoon, then I can say yay or nay without fannying about. Coz if she asked if I could watch him every afternoon then it would be easier to say no, are you kidding I'm not a childminder.

OP posts:
DejaVuAllOverAgain · 26/03/2015 15:02

YANBU If both parents continue to work after having children then, unless they are lucky enough to have family who are willing to provide childcare for them, they have to expect to pay for it.

AlternativeTentacles · 26/03/2015 16:44

'Blah blah blah childcare'.
'Ooh yes, I was looking for some extra income. How does £'extortionate amount' sound?'
'Er...'

madreloco · 26/03/2015 16:51

I don't see where you say that anyone has actually asked you for childcare at all? The only specific instance is someone else asking to have your child over, and hasn't asked you for anything at all? I don't see where your actual problem is here, other than you think someone might in the future ask you for a favour.

Is it possible that you're being a little oversensitive and/or paranoid?

Original poster
voluptuagoodshag · 26/03/2015 17:25

Yup Mad, I'm aware that I might be slightly paranoid and have said so. But that's just one other parent and I'm hoping I am actually being over sensitive about that one. There are others: I get a text the evening before an in service day - would you mind if x and x came round to play as we are both at work. On that occasion I said yes as we weren't doing anything else.
Get another to ask if x and x can come round on a Saturday again as they are at work, again I said ok as we'd nothing planned and had no excuse. The next day I get another text, hi x asking if he can come round to play today. I know that one parent is away on business for 2 weeks and the other works night shifts. Replied that it wasn't convenient.
I may be slightly paranoid (that time of the month) but from other posts on this thread it doesn't seem uncommon for some parents to take advantage so my paranoi may not be misplaced.

OP posts:
Stealthpolarbear · 26/03/2015 17:36

Yanbu and its good to see on this thread everyone talkong about parents rather than mums

Fauxlivia · 26/03/2015 17:39

You have to toughen up a bit lot.
Remember that sah has come with sacrifices in terms of your income, career progression, pension. Why would you give that up in order to work for free by looking after other people's kids?

You don't have to have a valid excuse for saying no. Simply state that you have plans already and leave it at that.

I am a sahp and totally impervious to hints. Tbh I dislike looking after other people's children and certainly wouldn't do it so they can go off and earn money.

rookiemere · 26/03/2015 17:41

In principal YANBU.
I work and tbh it is a bit of a nightmare trying to find cover for the school holidays as DH is a contractor so if he doesn't work he doesn't get paid and no relatives nearby to help out. Oh and DS has recently decided that he doesn't like HC Hmm.

However I'm very aware that this is my problem and no one elses. I get round it by taking all a/l in the holidays and taking extra unpaid parental leave. But I do swap some child care days with other mums and that is a complete god send and yes that would include DS going to play at his SAHMs friends occasionally and yes if they do suggest a playdate I will suggest a day that works for us, provided that's ok with them.

I don't think I am taking advantage of them as I make sure I have their DCs over at least as frequently as it is reciprocated - DS is an only and loves company, plus I do not take advantage. Next door neighbor offered to have DS for quite a period of the summer as her boy and DS play well together, but I didn't think that was fair on her as she has chosen a term time only job, so she is having DS for a couple of days only.

I certainly would not ask a couple of days in advance, I'd hate to do that to anyone, but equally if it was a true emergency ( I don't class known existing work commitments as an emergency) I'd like to think I could ask someone, just as I'd want them to ask me if I could help out.