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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To subtly draw a line in the sand regarding holiday child care

113 replies

voluptuagoodshag · 26/03/2015 13:34

Gosh I feel rubbish even writing that but I don't want to be taken advantage of and don't want to feel obliged to offer all the time.
Basically I am a SAHM. This is the choice I made to suit our family best. Part of the reason is because I didn't want to have to try to find child care during school holidays and in-service days or farm my kids out to friends and family.
So, when holidays loom, some friends/other parents who work PT/FT start to drop hints about childcare. Some are very subtle (or perhaps I am just paranoid), some less so.
I do offer to have some kids sometimes and I know that my kids are welcome in return for plays but I don't want it to be something that's seen as a given iykwim. I invite kids round to play all the time but I can't help feel there is a difference between being invited for a play and providing childcare.
I'm happy to watch kids in emergencies and would like to think that I can ask the same.
I like the freedom to be able to take kids wherever on holidays and have nice days out without changing the dynamics of my family unit. Yeah, sometimes I take other kids along but I want it to be when it suits me.
It might sound horribly selfish and I don't mind the odd day but when there are several families all dropping hints at the same time, I could find myself minding other people's kids for free every single day of the holidays.

OP posts:
itsveryyou · 26/03/2015 17:45

Don't compromise your time or take on anything you're not happy with. I somehow managed to get into a routine whereby DC's friend was being dropped off every morning at 6:55am so his parents could get to work. I work from home and was therefore seen as 'available'. After a few weeks, I told them it wasn't working out as our own routine was being affected, so I couldn't do it any more. I did initially offer to help out if they were really stuck, on the odd occasion, but I still have no idea how it became a regular thing, I certainly never agreed to it!

Pyjamasandwine · 26/03/2015 17:57

It's always the same people and they have form.

Also hides like eleohants so need absolute bluntness and clarity for the avoidance of dought.

CactusAnnie · 26/03/2015 18:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
voluptuagoodshag · 26/03/2015 18:07

I hear you Rookie and you sound perfectly reasonable, I agree and get what you are saying totally. And yes, there are parents who do reciprocate with play dates. I have other friends who ask in a way that doesn't make me feel uncomfortable and we are comfortable enough with each other to not take offence at a no and alway say " please just say if not convenient".
It's just that subtle change of situation (again possible paranoia). For example, the parent asking when we were on holiday so ds could come over ...why not just state 'I'm around on xxxx days would ds like to come for a play'. Why ask which week we are away and why mention she is around or working on a certain week if not to to hint that an offer of childcare would be good.
And others will over exert a play date i.e. Offering ds to stay longer, stay for dinner, go and do something exciting then a few days later ask if I can mind their dcs.
I have a dd too who will often feel put out if ds has a pal round and she doesn't.

OP posts:
hiccupgirl · 26/03/2015 18:10

YANBU

I work term time only and DS is in Reception. I have offered to have a friend's DS if she is really stuck but made it clear it will only be days that we haven't got anything else organised. I know I'm lucky to not need childcare in the holidays but I also am studying for a work qualification and have work to catch up on as well. Plus I don't want to look after someone else's children all the time.

Ginmartini · 26/03/2015 18:21

I work FT and have never, would never - haven't even thought of asking -any SAHM friends to look after my dc.

I have a friend who worked a very small amount of hours a week - I realised after a while she had a secret rota in her head of all friends and school mums to look after her two dds every week. Didn't even attempt to get paid childcare. I did it a couple of times when I was on mat leave but I'm still angry about it 15 years later!!

She actually used the fact she only worked a little bit as the excuse because 'it's so hard to get childcare for just an hour or two here or there on an adhoc basis'.

Ok well that ain't my problem, get a different bloody job. And though I was on mat leave at the time, when I went back to work my job was bloody hard and long days and no she never offered to help!

Molichite · 26/03/2015 18:33

YANBU and I am honestly surprised people even ask, especially if they have no plans to reciprocate.

I am a fan of childcare swaps but I only ever suggest them to other WOHPs, who need the childcare as much as I do.

sanfairyanne · 26/03/2015 18:35

most of my friends work part time, we all just help each other out, and i try to offer for those who work full time as well. i dont tend to ask the sahm's kids over much though, there is a feeling they like spending all their time together and might fear ulterior motives.

pointythings · 26/03/2015 18:52

YAtotallyNBU, and I say this as a F/T working parent who has always, always had to fork out for holiday childcare. I would not have dreamed of taking advantage of my SAHM friends, it's beyond outrageous. The DDs have friends whose mums work different schedules from mine in terms of taking leave so yes, I've had their kids and they have had mine, but it's only ever been by mutual offer and for a day maximum. Dropping hints? I'd have died of shame first.

AmyElliotDunne · 26/03/2015 18:59

I recently qualified as a childminder, it's amazing how many fewer requests I get now! There were two families who regularly used to ask favours in the holidays as I worked at home, but apparently now they realise they would have to pay for it, my house is not such an attractive option.

It does pee me off that I have had to find work that fits around my family circumstances (single parent) which isn't the best paying or most interesting work I could do. To then be expected to bail out busy working parents who cannot be arsed organised enough to sort out their own childcare arrangements in advance is pretty galling.

SisterMoonshine · 26/03/2015 18:59

I say that the inlaws are planning on visiting over the holidays and I never know until the last minute when they're coming.

CactusAnnie · 26/03/2015 19:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

miniavenger · 26/03/2015 20:21

YANBU, say no to direct askings and ignore all hints.

EveDallas · 26/03/2015 20:30

I'm starting to find this as well. I've only just gone back to work (term time only) and already I've had a couple of DDs friends mums comment on how 'lucky' I am to work TTO. One has mentioned a few times how her parents always covered school holidays but that they are very elderly and infirm now and she worries about them - I barely know this woman, but suddenly I know all about her parents ailments and how she struggles with work.

It's making me suspicious. Strangely though, she's never said anything about DH who is a SAHD and always around in the hols.... Hmm

Cheby · 26/03/2015 20:35

YANBU OP. My DD is only 2 at the moment but as we both work FT we have already planned how we intend to mange holiday childcare; it'll be a mix of paid activities, our taking annual leave and a swap with DSis for a week in the summer. We factored in holiday childcare costs when we sat down and worked out whether we could afford a second child.

Purplepoodle · 26/03/2015 20:59

Never heard of this in RL. It's crazy. I'm booking summer scheme at the minute for this summer. Can't believe people leave their childcare to the last minute

Original poster
voluptuagoodshag · 26/03/2015 21:46

Just checked phone and had another direct request from one of the usual suspects.

OP posts:
crazyoldfish · 26/03/2015 22:57

Can I ask if I am being cheeky in this situation? I am a teacher so every holiday I have a friends kid (same age as mine) for one full day (8- 6). But during term time his mum drops my daughter at breakfast club with her child (so has her about half an hour) on an occasional basis. Probably once every 2 weeks. I am happy with it but am I taking advantage of her?

rollonthesummer · 26/03/2015 23:07

Just checked phone and had another direct request from one of the usual suspects.

What did it say! And what did you reply? Do you think you are seen as a bit of a pushover?

Original poster
voluptuagoodshag · 27/03/2015 00:12

Crazy, that seems totally fine to me.
The message I got said that x was asking to come to ours at 1030 on Saturday as Mum is working and sibling at a party. Dad also working I presume. The Mum did add that feel free to say no if inconvenient.
Feeling awkward as my ds was invited to go to footie with them last week, turns out the uncle took them as both parents working.
Tbh this Saturday would be ok as I'll be at a loose end with ds as DH away and dd at an activity. I was going to say fine, I'd take them swimming and drop x back at a specific time, say 2pm. Not the firm no I probably should but I did do a firm no last Sunday and a previous Sunday. Means I'd have the brownie points at no real inconvenience. Gawd why is parenting so complicated.

OP posts:
SolasEile · 27/03/2015 00:39

God I wish I had the cojones of some of the parents you read about here on MN. I struggle with asking friends for occasional favors for babysitting in emergencies and still feel forever in debt to our good friend who watched my DS for the day while I had our second child.

I wouldn't dream of asking a SAHM to watch my DC for free in the summertime. At the moment I'm a SAHM myself anyway but I know once I return to work I'll just have to cough up for childcare. That's just the way it is when you work with school-age DC.

textfan · 27/03/2015 01:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fauxlivia · 27/03/2015 07:00

They shouldn't be asking you every Sunday though. And what are you going to do if they say they will be at work at 2, when you want to drop off their dc?

They didn't have your child last week, they got their dcs uncle to do the childcare so they could work and are guilting you into offering childcare now. By all means do Saturday if it suits you and gives your child entertainment while his sibling is away, but don't do it if you would rather not.

rookiemere · 27/03/2015 07:25

I think that's a little harsh fauxlivia.

Yes it was the uncle that was doing the childcare, but as he is unlikely to want to do reciprocal playdates, then to me that would be the same as the parents having the DC.

I do agree though that the parents shouldn't be asking all the time, but if it suits the OP to have them and she likes the DC, well in this instance I can't see the harm and it does follow the precedent of turn about for the location.

MidniteScribbler · 27/03/2015 07:31

I'm a teacher, and I've actually had parents come up to me and ask if I can look after their children in the school holidays as I "have nothing better to do".

Some people have more arse than class.