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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to tell the ILS how much we paid for our house?

92 replies

MirandaGoshawk · 23/03/2015 16:58

We moved recently. The ILS are coming down to stay. We probably did pay a bit over the odds for this house but another buyer was interested and it was the only one we'd found in two years that DH liked. The ILS gave us plenty of their opinion, didn't want us to buy it, not their cup of tea tough!.

They have probably looked it up online & seen how much it was advertised at, and DH did give them a low ballpark figure of what we paid. He wants to tell them exactly how much we paid, but that will lead to having to justify ourselves plus lots of questions about mortgage prices etc & I just don't want to go there. I know they can find the price on Zoopla if they want, but that won't involve all the ins & outs of a discussion. It's not as if we know/ask/want to know about their finances - they are private & ours should be too. We're not kids. AIBU?

OP posts:

RandomMess · 23/03/2015 19:06

Perhaps just learn to address their criticisms?

"Did you mean to be so rude?"

"If you've got nothing nice to say, stay quiet"

silverbangles66 · 23/03/2015 19:09

"What a VULGAR question!" Tinkly laugh.
then gob in their tea

ARoomWithoutAView · 23/03/2015 19:10

We probably did pay a bit over the odd for this house
BUT
another buyer was interested

So how long is a piece of string?
You have nothing to justify.
Being ILS does not make them property valuers.
Being ILS does not make their points of view any more respectable than yours.

catsmother · 23/03/2015 19:31

See .... I don't think that it is okay for the DH to share joint financial info with his parents just like that. It's one thing to reveal the purchase price, but if he then discloses mortgage figures, and then LTVs etc., it wouldn't take too many more questions from a nosey in-law for them to deduce the OP's salary details (e.g. if they know their son's salary they can work backwards - roughly, to guess hers), info about savings and so on. And that isn't his info to share .... but in this scenario, a loose tongued DH could easily let slip enough detail that would actually give them a lot more info - or at least give them enough of an 'idea' of things to have a pretty good stab at guessing (gossiping?) private financial info that's applicable to the OP.

munchkinmaster · 23/03/2015 19:32

I am with you. My mil is just like this. Or rather she makes assumptions about our financial situation so I am then kind of backed into telling them stuff.

E.g - it's not worth me working part time once childcare is taken into account as my earnings are 'Ixy pixy.'

Me - no, it's worth it

Her - it's ixy pixy

Me - no it's a decent contribution

And so on till I practically end up sending her my tax return!

Mintyy · 23/03/2015 19:47

Because op doesn't want him to, Hak.

So it all boils down to whose wishes dh respects the most, doesn't it?

I think he should go along with his dw ... it's not exactly unreasonable to want to have some privacy from one's parents after the age of about 10.

PtolemysNeedle · 23/03/2015 19:54

Not really Mintyy, maybe he values his own wishes as much as he values his wife's, and he wants to tell them.
Her opinion is no more important than his, especially when it comes to telling his own parents about something that is every bit as important to him as it is to his wife.

MrsAidenTurner · 23/03/2015 19:57

Or can he just say " I would rather not say, because you wont have anything nice to say about it, you never do?"

Maybe they do not realise how negative they are, and this will mean they sort of choke on their words, and either prove him right and carry on being rude, or say something nice, or saying nothing, at all.

Hakluyt · 23/03/2015 19:59

Oh yes, I forgot that on marriage, a man's relationship with his parents has to be mediated through his wife. My mistake.

specialsubject · 23/03/2015 19:59

if you don't want to discuss it, tell them to look it up online when it appears about 3 months after your purchase completed. Then change the subject.

MrsAidenTurner · 23/03/2015 20:00

As in, we paid £2 million for the house but it is just what we wanted and we knew you would be pleased for us, because we are thrilled arn't we Darling. ? Looks lovingly at their DS.
That should shut them up, as they can't say they don't want you to be pleased and happy, can they?

This would translate to the wrong in laws as

"You mean Miranda is forcing our darling son to spend his hard earned money on a rubbish expensive house, because unfortunately she is high maintenance and he has to do what she wants".

MrsAidenTurner · 23/03/2015 20:02

Oh yes, I forgot that on marriage, a man's relationship with his parents has to be mediated through his wife

In this scenario, telling his parents is going to open them up for cristism which op has rightly had a gut full of. She is simply saying, do we have to go through this again, please darling, no, not again.

Its hard to have to listen to negative comments all the time, even a hardy person can get ground down by it occasionally.

Paintedpinksapphires · 23/03/2015 20:07

You're right Hak it isn't. But neither does his marriage entitle his parents to another adult's financial information.

You know that you would never ask this yourself. It's unbearable rude.

YellowTulips · 23/03/2015 20:08

A property is worth what someone is prepared to pay for it - end of.

Estate agent valuations are simply a guide.

As you say OP you are not a kid - given what you paid is going to be in the public domain just tell them. Their opinion on if you overpaid or not is irrelevant - you paid the market value to secure the house at that point in time.

Mintyy · 23/03/2015 20:44

Imo your relationship with your life partner and children takes precedence over your relationship with your parents once you reach adulthood, if push comes to shove.

Of course its lovely if everyone can rub along together fine, but occasionally compromises need to be made and grown up children should be free of exposure to disapproval or guilty-inducing behaviour from their own parents, if they want to put their partner and children's wishes first.

An awful lot of parents have difficulty grasping this, however.

holeinmyheart · 23/03/2015 22:42

MrsAidanTurner the posts PIL are not going to think anything else by the sound of them except that their son is being manipulated by their DIL
She is doomed whatever she says, so she might just as well say what she thinks. But there are ways of saying it.
I don't think you should be nasty. Not because I think some people don't deserve it, but because I don't think it is good for you to join in. It would make me feel bad.

Original poster

MirandaGoshawk · 24/03/2015 16:43

Thank you for all your comments - very interesting! I am relieved that so many people seem to see where I'm coming from.

DH knows I don't want to discuss it with them. I also, like holeinmyheart feel uncomfortable being rude or nasty to people, especially older people who are guests in my house! Therefore, if the subject comes up, I will stare vacantly into space and then ask them if they'd like another G&T. Or similar "Is that the time? I must vacuum the cat" avoidance strategy, and leave DH to it.

OP posts:

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 24/03/2015 18:11

Yes, that is that best strategy. If DH tell them, then DH gets to bear the consequences on his own. Just find something 'necessary' to do elsewhere if they start talking about it.

Nobody asked how much our house cost. We paid a fair bit more than our neighbors, as it was boom times and we were one of the last houses sold before the property bubble burst. Its worth about 20% less now... But we love our house and plan to stay in it for the foreseeable future.

I'm sure some of our relatives and friends looked up the asking price online and had discussions among themselves, but since it didn't make its way back to me it didn't bother me.

Hakluyt · 24/03/2015 18:30

Interesting, actually. My family of origin would have died rather than ask or tell anyone what something cost. DP's cheerfully ask and tell all the time. So in circumstances like this, I would prefer not to talk about it, and probably wouldn't join in, but as it is normal conversation for DP and his lot I would leave them to it.

And yes, I agree that when push comes to shove your partner and children come first. But it would have to be a pretty big push or shove- otherwise I see no reason why it has to be any sort of competition. My Dp loves his family of origin. I see no need to detach him from them. I don't see them as any sort of threat.

manchestermummy · 24/03/2015 18:32

Oh goodness YANBU!

My MIL got it into her head that we were paying far too much money for our house. We got it for far under the asking price, which in itself was lower than houses in the area as it needed work. She was of the opinion that we were paying too much for a semi, and even after exchange was on the phone blathering on about detached houses half the size just because they were detached. Drove us round the bend.

But then she has no idea about money. Whole other thread!

Original poster

MirandaGoshawk · 24/03/2015 18:48

I was brought up that it was bad manners to discuss money and religion at the dinner table. I might mention that if necessary!

Once, in an unguarded moment, I mentioned that I was on the Pill to MIL as we were talking about medication. She is Catholic and was not impressed . Just to illustrate that not every subject is suitable for discussion! I happen to draw the line at our money. And I also tend not to discuss religion with her!

OP posts:

Hakluyt · 24/03/2015 18:55

Yes, I was too. But Dp wasn't. And I am not going to impose my hang ups on him! He had his own.

Paintedpinksapphires · 24/03/2015 19:07

Hak my PIL are lovely, we get on very well together. They are no threat to me or my relationship with DH. Nevertheless I would never be happy with them having that kind of financial information.

Wanting to your DH to keep financial (or other information) confidential isn't about control or power. It's just about privacy.

Hakluyt · 24/03/2015 19:11

But what if your Dp has different ideas about privacy? Why do yours trump his? When my fil was alive, my Dp had a very close relationship with him. It would have made him very sad if I had tried to police what they talked about.

Hakluyt · 24/03/2015 19:22

And in his family, what you paid for your house or your car or your holiday was just part of normal conversation. I still remember how odd I found their conversations about presents. "What would you like for your birthday? "Oh, there's a lovely X I'd like- it's £Y in Z shop.Or if that's too much, there's an A in B for £C.........."

They found me very difficult. It's 20 years ago, but I still remember a lovely watch I really coveted in an antique fair. FIL wanted to buy it for me, but I said no, because I though it was too much money to spend on me. So he didn't buy it, and I discovered later that he was really sad because he thought it meant I didn't like him. Because he wouldn't have offered if he hadn't wanted to spend the money.......

I can still see that watch as if it was yesterday. Silver, with blue enameled forget me nots. I still want it.............

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