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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to tell the ILS how much we paid for our house?

92 replies

MirandaGoshawk · 23/03/2015 16:58

We moved recently. The ILS are coming down to stay. We probably did pay a bit over the odds for this house but another buyer was interested and it was the only one we'd found in two years that DH liked. The ILS gave us plenty of their opinion, didn't want us to buy it, not their cup of tea tough!.

They have probably looked it up online & seen how much it was advertised at, and DH did give them a low ballpark figure of what we paid. He wants to tell them exactly how much we paid, but that will lead to having to justify ourselves plus lots of questions about mortgage prices etc & I just don't want to go there. I know they can find the price on Zoopla if they want, but that won't involve all the ins & outs of a discussion. It's not as if we know/ask/want to know about their finances - they are private & ours should be too. We're not kids. AIBU?

OP posts:
askalice · 23/03/2015 17:05

I would probably tell them if they asked, but refuse to be justify myself, and refuse to be drawn into any discussions about it - reinforcing the point that it is up to DH and I to pay what we want for a new house and there is no need for us to explain ourselves. I'd probably fend off any questions with constant repetition of "that's what we decided", and leave it at that.

What does your DH think?

askalice · 23/03/2015 17:06

I mean, does he feel a need to give reasons and justification, or does he just see no problem with telling them the figure?

PtolemysNeedle · 23/03/2015 17:08

I don't think you have the right to try and ban your DH from telling them something he wants to tell them when it affects him just as much as it does you. But if he does tell them, then it's down to him to have the full conversation and make any defence that he needs to. You don't need to say anything if you don't want to.

Paintedpinksapphires · 23/03/2015 17:09

Nine if their business, they can look it up on Zoopla if they are so interested but refuse to discuss.

You are adults you don't need Mummy and Daddy's permission to spend your own money.

StayingSamVimesGirl · 23/03/2015 17:09

Say something along these lines:

"You are entitled to your opinion, but we are happy with our decision, and we are not prepared to discuss it any further"

Repeat like a cracked record.

catsmother · 23/03/2015 17:10

I agree with you ..... these days they can look at sold house prices in a number of places, not just Zoopla, if they're that desperate to know. Whereas having a direct conversation about it ..... well, personally, I'd find that too intrusive and none of their business. As you say, it smacks of them wanting to retain an element of control over your finances as if you were teenagers if telling them how much you paid leads to lots of further questions and judgements. It'd make me feel very uncomfortable.

WeAllHaveWings · 23/03/2015 17:17

Unless they in someway helped you buy the house or support you financially don't get drawn into any discussion on finance.

Original poster
MirandaGoshawk · 23/03/2015 17:18

Thank you. I'm amazed that I don't sound U!

alice DH wants to tell them. He said what would I do if my mum asked. But the thing is that she didn't ask! When we found the house she just said "Is it what you want? Can you afford it?" and when I said Yes she didn't probe any more. The ILS are different. They want to dispense advice/criticism & I don't want to hear it. DH says he does but actually he does get peed off with their wittering on/judgmental attitude.

OP posts:
toomuchtooold · 23/03/2015 17:18

No I think that kind of info is personal and you don't reveal it unless both of you are comfortable with it.

Original poster
MirandaGoshawk · 23/03/2015 17:21

No they didn't help. In fact they still owe us around £120 from when they said they would pay for a double buggy for the dch about 20 years ago

OP posts:
ColeHawlings · 23/03/2015 17:24

Are the ILs always intrusive about finances?

OddBoots · 23/03/2015 17:25

YANBU but I think in a few months they will be able to look it up for themselves if they are that interested so I suggest you play it down rather than lie or anything.

NorahDentressangle · 23/03/2015 17:28

I would tell them but add that the estate agent/ solicitor/ other buyers thought it was a great investment, which they'd have bought if they'd had the money, and you'll be in profit in a year - - as they sound uninformed and just want to prove you've bought a doozy.

Mintyy · 23/03/2015 17:28

Of course yanbu! What on earth is your dh thinking? How utterly utterly bizarre that he think it is any of his parents business what you paid for your house.

askalice · 23/03/2015 17:28

I think it will be easier on you if you just accept that they like to know these things, and that your DH, as an adult, is free to tell them. Likewise, as an adult, you are free to refuse to be drawn into any conversation you don't want to be part of, and to refuse to comment when your DH complains about their wittering.

I understand why it feels so intrusive, but really, it's just their opinion and it doesn't have any influence over you, so you can ignore it all.

Boofy27 · 23/03/2015 17:29

The non-payment of buggy costs would be the perfect response if they do criticise how much you paid for your house:

"It was dreadfully expensive, just like the buggy you didn't pay for but at least we were expecting this."

askalice · 23/03/2015 17:30

I mean, the more you focus on having to explain yourself or argue your point, the more importance you are giving to their opinions. (If you really do feel they're important, then that's a different issue. )

MackerelOfFact · 23/03/2015 17:31

It's none of their business, but I'd be tempted to tell them the true amount, and when they start getting narky about it just smile sweetly, look in their direction and say "well, we're hoping for an inheritance in the not-so-distant future!"

But I'm horrible.

whereismagic · 23/03/2015 17:32

YABU, only because it's quite childish to be annoyed with parents because they are right. As far as I understand you agree with their reasons but you really wanted the house so bought it anyway. You should be able to have adult conversations with parents without flipping up about it.

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 23/03/2015 17:35

I'd probably reply 'Don't you think it's crass and intrusive to talk about what you pay for things' and smile sweetly with it.

If DH told them and anything was said then I'd respond with 'Yes. I imagined you'd think that, but we did our research thoroughly and are very happy with it thanks'

Doesn't sound like you'll change them, so choose your battles.

CycleChic · 23/03/2015 17:37

You paid what it was worth to you. Give a variation of that when they ask, then change the subject.

DioneTheDiabolist · 23/03/2015 17:37

I would be livid if my DP tried to dictate what I could or couldn't discuss with my parents.

YANBU to not wish to talk to your ILs about the price of your home. YWBVU to tell your DH that he can't discuss it with them.

elfycat · 23/03/2015 17:46

YANBU. You and your DH may a decision to buy a house, at a price you both agreed was acceptable to get the house you love. You know that your PIL will want to sneer at you and that the money spent is an easy way for them to do so.

I think whereismagic is simplifying things by saying that you know they were right. They are not right, they have no rights to be correct about. The problem I find is that some parents are overly invested in not allowing their children to become independent of them and 'adults'. Just because someone is 16-45 years older than you does not mean that they will always be more adult than you. I bet they'd never treat any other adults in the world the same way.

We've just extended by 39 square metres (big living room and doubled the small kitchen) and FIL has the idea that we should have spent no more than £400 psm despite the current rule of thumb being at least £1000-1200 psm for a basic extension (square box with flat roof) and we've built a real garden room (bifold doors, ceiling into the roof pitch with extra velux for maximum light etc). I'm so sick of many things, but mainly FIL's bullying of us over everything including what we spend our money on, that I'm going NC with them.

ConferencePear · 23/03/2015 17:52

There's not much point in trying to keep it secret. They can look it up on Rightmove anyway.

TheCraicDealer · 23/03/2015 17:54

Elfy, £400bpsm wouldn't even be adequate for a rough agricultural store! That's bloody hilarious!

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