Course trainer is going tocomplain about me to my boss.

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I have recently transferred from working with children with disabilities to adults. I was on a course on Friday deling with sexuality and adults with LD.

In the afternoon we were asked to talk about sexual fantasies ie our own. You could see people weren't comfortable with this and some protested but got told that if they weren't comfortable about talking about such things how could we help people with learning disabilities who maybe not able to communicate their needs. After that you could people making stuff up and keeping it light. ( I know the stuff ws made up because in the fag break people were saying things like ' as if I'm going to tell that fuckin' perv what goes on in my head')

When it was my turn I refused point blank to tsay anything and said that to me sexual fantasies was for me to keep private or share with my DH. The trainer pushed me saying everyone else had contributed and that I wasn't being fair. I said if other people have chosen to take part that is their choice. I expect my right to privacy to be respected.

At the end of the course the trainer told me that he was going to complain about me to my boss for being 'obstructive'.

Quite frankly I don't give a shit. The trainer was from a bought in company who focus on training employees with working with people with disabilities and I work for a County Council.
Was I being obstructive or should I have taken prt in something that made me uncomfortable?

People with learning disabilities are at greater risk for being sexually abused than other people are. How could it possibly be appropriate for a service provider to discuss their sexual fantasies with someone who may have been sexually abused?

Good on you for not giving in to this.

Now get your complaint in writing, in detail and, most importantly, IN FIRST.

If you wait it'll look like retaliation and won't be as strong. This 'training' practice needs to be stopped; it's unnecessary and, frankly, really odd.

I work with very vulnerable young people and have been through safeguarding/disclosure training many times down the years. I've never been asked to do anything that remotely even resembles what you've just been asked to do.

I went on a course at a well-known London teaching institution, during which the trainer's behaviour most definitely constituted sexual harassment. Much milder than OP and jet describe, but most definitely inappropriate. Overly familiar language and looking down women's tops during an 'exercise', for example.

I thought I was blowing it out of proportion, as everyone else on the course thought he was wonderful - he had a bit of a cult following.

I ran what had happened by my colleagues, the admin person at the college and a friend of mine who also worked there (all female, if that's relevant) who all agreed that his behaviour was inappropriate and agreed that I could complain.

Which I did, and received a letter from the tutor's manager (both male, if that's relevant) saying that they wouldn't uphold my complaint as no-one else had complained and some people even said the course was very good. Although the manager said that he'd advise the tutor to be 'very careful' about his conduct in the future.

I would imagine that the tutor felt that he had even more carte blanche to behave as he liked with no possibility of repercussions after this.

Unfortunately, I think this type of pulling rank is fairly typical, although I hope that, given the explicitly abusive nature of the OP's experience, it's taken a lot more seriously.

bloody hell :(

I really liked the letter of complaint I sent - I focused on asking for clarity as to what the learning objectives were of looking down women's tops etc rather than being upset or outraged.

I wasn't surprised that it felt on deaf ears, given the prevailing misogony, but I definitely felt better having articulated my experiences than if I had not.

I decided not to escalate it because I anticipated coming across more of the same attitudes and back covering.

Another topic of the tutor's conversation was how 'all the fun' had gone out of the workplace now you were no longer allowed to sexually harass your female colleagues.

Ex-BBC employee, natch. Former 'That's Life!' presenter, natch.

Thanks for your replies.

As I said before I have no concerns about being reported to my boss. For one I don't think he would, 2 I've known her very well as a good friend for over 20 years, she has been my boss before as well as I've been in different posts so I know how she stands on stuff like this 3 I'm in the union and I wouldn't hesitate to bring them in should a situation require it.
I'mnot in work until tomorrow then I finish Thursday evening for a 2 week holiday but I will be asking for things to be taken further.

Once again, if I don't reply soon it's because im going out for the day.

I think he said he would report you to your boss in order to scare you into not complaining. This man knows he overstepped the mark and that what he did was completely inappropriate, he knows you know it, you refused to take part, and now you are a risk to him.

Well done in not falling for it and for planning to complain despite his threat.

Good for you, flip.

I think claudette is right. Good for you for taking it further.

Gosh! Just chiming in to say, I agree with everyone else -- that it's you who should be making the complaint, not him.

I don't work in a child protection or social work/counselling style area, but even I know, as an unworldly academic that when we are dealing with troubled clients/students/cared-for, we don't disclose our own issues. Because to do so clouds the professional relationship.

I had some workplace counselling once (for bullying), and my counsellor had to take some time out for a bereavement. When she came back, I said I was sorry to hear of the bereavement I wasn't told, nor should I have been who it was. Her answer was textbook, and I learnt a lot for my own teaching practice from it she said "Thank you. What you need to know is that I'm ready to be back, and to work with you."

That is, that our sessions & the work I needed to do, were not to be side-tracked by her feelings, or my concerns for her.

UpTheChimney, I work in mental health and am a therapy veteran myself. Disclosing our own issues can be helpful. I still wouldn't be talking about my sexual fantasies.
It is SO intimate.

And glad to hear you will be taking this further Flip. Well done.

I'm so disturbed by this, it's really shocking. Please, please complain OP. There's no way your manager would send you on a course knowing that was what would happen, it's awful. This man should not be doing that job.

No bloody way. This is really not on. In the same way that you respect your client group, your feelings need to be respected too. I work in a similar field and I would not be sharing that in a group. As is my right. You really do need to put in a complaint about this person. Its harassment, bullying, and completely unacceptable. I would question his motives in the job he does. If he can't afford respect to you, how does he afford respect to people with LD, who are more vulnerable and less able to make their wishes and privacy understood. Please make a very strong complaint. How bloody dare he

I would not have shared either. I was a midwife for years so I have absolutely no filter in terms of being embarrassed talking about anything yet there is no way I would have shared sexual fantasies in a training session. I also can not see the learning objective.

I would be very concerned about people's understanding about protective behaviours and actually about the professionals who did go along with the trainer rather than challenging a situation that was highly inappropriate.

I think you were absolutely correct in your response

My god, in glad you are going to complain. Any training needs to be about being professional, non judgemental and about how to establish and uphold boundaries, not to have someone with authority and power over you trample all over those boundaries, and abuse his power on a personal and a professional level. Disgusting man.

I do feel kind of upset/ unsteady about the whole thing though. I'm a disabled adult and so I guess I'm a 'service user' that training like that is supposed to guide your interactions with me. I feel really put on the back foot by hearing the way that trainer was 'trainimg' you to behave towards, well, towards me.

I'm not some 'other' that needs boundaries breaking down and blurring with - I find that horrifying and utterly disrespectful, and I can't quite articulate why, but it's upsetting me more than perhaps it should.

I think maybe it's because with arseholes like him training people to behave very wrongly with 'the likes of me', how many badly trained people is he churning out ready to take away more dignity and humanity from disabled adults? P

Sorry pressed post by accident? Too soon! I don't want to detract from your awful experience, it's just scary for me, with the experiences I've had since becoming disabled five years ago.

It's hideous having to be cared for by others, being utterly in their power and very open to cruelty and abuse anyone can lay onto you. And to have some abusive twat trying to train others to get into positions that will blur boundaries and take away some more dignity and self agency, well it's very unnerving as a disabled person as well as for the service provider.

Sorry, I know I've added a tangential point of view and hope it hasn't muddied the waters.

Btw, I'm assuming the training was more aimed at adults with learning disabilities, but one of the things I've been forced to learn is that once your body doesn't work properly, many many people assume your brain doesn't either, and use the term 'disabled adults/ adults with disabilities' interchangably with disabled adults with learning disabilities.

As several folk have pointed out, people with ld are at risk of exploitation/getting their boundaries stretched. so having a training that models having your boundaries pushed and then being told to get over it, told to shut up by a more powerful person kind of reinforces that exploitation is okay. Actually does the opposite of helping people to maintain their own boundaries and respect consent.

I hadn't read the final page and think misc more eloquently making the same point.

Yuck. Is he asking people for his own enjoyment? That's sexual harassment.

He's got 50 Shades delusions.

I'd be putting in a formal complaint against the trainer!!!!

WILDLY inappropriate thing to ask you to do and then to push you when you declined ... That could quite easily be construed as bullying / sexual harassment.
Also, a county council will have very robust procedures for this sort of thing it's not like a private organisation where things are quite easily brushed under the carpet.

Do it.... Go to HR first thing and fill out a complaint form!

YADNBU. No way would I be telling a perfect stranger sexual fantasies, and I wouldn't go making them up either. I'd have reacted the same way as you and I'm usually compliant and do as I'm told rule wise!
Complain about HIM.