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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask for cash for wedding present?

100 replies

TheFuckistUppist · 23/03/2015 04:47

Inspired by the recent thread about revolting poems requesting cash in wedding invites.

I'm getting married later in the year. I live abroad and will get married in the country I live in, but will fly home to see everyone in my family soon afterwards.

Now my husband and I are moving into our first home together and we really do need things like bed linen and cutlery and things, but because I won't be able to transport gifts home, I would prefer if those who want to give gifts would give us a cheque. Most people in my family will probably see this as logical, however, there are some older people who I know hate the idea of giving cash and some who might unthinkingly give us bulky gifts which we can't take back with us.

What should I do - say nothing until people actually ask? Ask politely for cash, but only as a suggestion, no gift necessary? There are a couple of stores like House Of Fraser who actually deliver to where I live, could I suggest this is an idea for would-be gift-givers?

OP posts:

KingJoffreyFanciesDarylDixon · 23/03/2015 05:03

Don't ask for cash.

If people ask then you could have a gift list for a shop which will post to your country.

MidniteScribbler · 23/03/2015 05:11

If you need "bed linen and cutlery and things" then go and buy them yourself.

The idea of a wedding is to get married, not to furnish your home.

SoonToBeSix · 23/03/2015 05:23

Shut up midnite. Op no yanbu.

WishUponAStar88 · 23/03/2015 05:31

Mumsnet hates cash and gift lists. In real life I've found nobody cares! However if people in the UK presumably aren't going to your wedding then I wouldn't mention gifts. If they do mention in then I agree a store that delivers is a good idea.

Charitybelle · 23/03/2015 05:31

Why don't you ask for gifts to be sent to your home country? Just say to family that gifts aren't compulsory, but if someone does wish to but you something that you need lots of stuff for new house but can't take it home on the plane so can people send any gifts to your address abroad? I would be happy to do this for a relative.

Have to say, I wouldn't ask for cash, I do think it's tacky. If people are a bit skint they can get a lovely thoughtful gift for £10/15 but might be embarrassed to give only that much as a cash gift. I understand where you're coming from, you're not trying to be grabby, but just ask for gifts, unless you live on mars, I don't see the problem?

Charitybelle · 23/03/2015 05:33

Agree with wish if the're not coming to your wedding then I wouldn't even mention gifts unless you're specifically asked what they can get you.

IrmaGuard · 23/03/2015 05:33

You could mail your gifts to yourself, send surface mail to keep the costs down.

Would the stores that deliver charge your guests extra?
(I hate cash requests!)

Original poster

TheFuckistUppist · 23/03/2015 05:43

@MidniteScribbler, I don't expect anyone to give me anything at all, I merely said that if people WANT to give gifts, there are things we need and I would appreciate them, I'm not just in the market for a fancy holiday. You needn't have been so rude or presumptuous.

They aren't coming to the real wedding but we're having a sort of wedding party back in the UK and I know that my aunties and uncles and granddad are likely to want to give something, because that's how my family are.

OP posts:

PtolemysNeedle · 23/03/2015 06:52

If house if Fraser will deliver to where you live, do a gift list and hand out the details to anyone who asks. Don't ask for cash, it's nasty.

londonrach · 23/03/2015 06:57

Marks and spencer and other places will deliver even abroad. Hate money begging at a wedding but thats my personal hate. Id do a list with a big place but ask if they deliver to where you live first.

seriouslypeedoff · 23/03/2015 06:59

Will there be that many people buying you presents outside the family, if they aren't going to the wedding?

antumbra · 23/03/2015 07:00

I agree with midnite.
Asking for cash is rude.

You could suggest no gifts as you will be moving. If guests want to make a cash alternative that is for them to work out. Otherwsie it is begging.

Hathall · 23/03/2015 07:05

I've also found in real life no one cares. Often people are happy to just pop a bit of cash in an envelope eith a card. Easy.
You know your friends and family. If they know you and your fiancé well, let them know what your preference is.

nocabbageinmyeye · 23/03/2015 07:05

No no no, just because wedding gift lists have become popular does not make them right, I appreciate they are convenient for some but mentioning a gift of any kind, cash gift or otherwise is grabby. You just send the invite and accept graciously what you get. Asking for presents is not ok, unless obviously people ask you what you want.

I will say wedding gift lists and cash requests are not common in Ireland anyway, I've never gotten either, but then we do tend to just give the cash so maybe that's why I think asking is unnecessary (& rude)

base9 · 23/03/2015 07:06

Ask for no gifts, giving the reason as you cannot transport them home.so that people understand there is a practical reason. Some will give cash as a substitute. Some will buy you the bulkiest, heaviest item they can find anyway.
Do not ask for cash.

Idriscometome · 23/03/2015 07:09

Oh blimey.

Ok, in my experience OP in real life no one minds or is offended by giving cash or vouchers.

On Mumsnet it's pearly clutchingly rude.

So maybe ask people you know, trust and love in real life rather then on here and gauge opinion.

nocabbageinmyeye · 23/03/2015 07:10

You have to laugh at the irony of you calling a pp rude and presumptuous for giving her opinion when your considering asking for cash presents

UnderTheDeepBlueSea · 23/03/2015 07:11

YANBU. I would be forever thankful if you asked for cash, that means I don't have to waste my lunchtime to trek around the shops and find something.

GrapeWallofChina · 23/03/2015 07:15

Surely the answer is to speak with them or if you don't have that relationship ask your Mum and Dad, who can explain the situation?
I always think the problem comes when something is put in writing and therefore looks like an order, or can be taken out of context ie a poem in an invite!
And presumably Grandad, Aunties and Uncles can all be told by you or your parents personally... so it goes like this...
You / parents - really looking forward to seeing you at the wedding, just to say we're very sorry but as we live abroad we can't carry any bulky gifts back home so please don't worry
Auntie/Uncle - oh gosh hadn't thought of that but I really want to get you something
You/your parents - that's so nice of you, really appreciate it. Maybe one answer could be some vouchers for M&S they deliver, or this big department store in our local city have an online store. What do you think?
(and if that then leads to Auntie Doris saying she doesn't hold with these new fangled vouchers and online shopping, then simply take the tea towels with good grace)

FluffyMcnuffy · 23/03/2015 07:16

The correct etiquette is not to mention gifts at all unless asked.

If someone asks you what you'd like you can then direct them to a gift list or offer suggestions (but I still think asking for cash is crass)!

Littlemonstersrule · 23/03/2015 07:19

So guests won't be going to the real wedding but are still expected to cough up cash to attend?

Asking for cash is vulgar, its upto the two of you to furnish your home. If you can't without begging then cut the wedding right back and spend the savings on things you actually need.

DiDiddlyIDi · 23/03/2015 07:33

I bet all the people saying asking for cash is poor form got married in the olden days when gift lists were common place. Your celebration will be with your understanding friends and family, ask for what suits you? It's your day!

lightgreenglass · 23/03/2015 07:39

I would ask for cash if they wish to give you a present - it's common place amongst my circle of friends to give cash. I don't think I've ever been to a wedding and given a gift.

lightgreenglass · 23/03/2015 07:40

I wouldn't say anything and if they ask say we don't want anything but if you want cash for our new home would be fab. Then afterwards you can send thank you cards with a picture of your new home and whatever item you got with the cash.

Littlemonstersrule · 23/03/2015 07:48

Married not long ago so the theory that only old married couples hate cash requests goes out the window. Just one cash request out of all the weddings in the last five years that I recall.

I don't believe in dictating gifts and a wedding is supposed to be about the marriage not a fundraising event.

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