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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask for cash for wedding present?

100 replies

TheFuckistUppist · 23/03/2015 04:47

Inspired by the recent thread about revolting poems requesting cash in wedding invites.

I'm getting married later in the year. I live abroad and will get married in the country I live in, but will fly home to see everyone in my family soon afterwards.

Now my husband and I are moving into our first home together and we really do need things like bed linen and cutlery and things, but because I won't be able to transport gifts home, I would prefer if those who want to give gifts would give us a cheque. Most people in my family will probably see this as logical, however, there are some older people who I know hate the idea of giving cash and some who might unthinkingly give us bulky gifts which we can't take back with us.

What should I do - say nothing until people actually ask? Ask politely for cash, but only as a suggestion, no gift necessary? There are a couple of stores like House Of Fraser who actually deliver to where I live, could I suggest this is an idea for would-be gift-givers?

OP posts:
Nabootique · 23/03/2015 08:50

When I got married we didn't need anything so didn't want to do a list. We sent out the invites with nothing about gifts mentioned. A couple of people asked about a list and we said there wasn't one, please don't worry about a gift, etc. We found that 99% of guests did give us money, which we didn't really expect to be honest! People will default to cash if they aren't given instructions, I think!

musicalendorphins2 · 23/03/2015 08:51

In my case, it isn't asking for cash specifically that bugs me, it is asking for anything. Of course people will/send bring a gift, but it is up to them to call someone close to the about to be married couple and ask for idea's.

It is how things are done....it is considered poor manners to ask for things.
Cretaceous give the same amount as what you would spend if you were to buy something?

expatinscotland · 23/03/2015 08:52

A couple in their 50s who cannot afford their own honeymoon and touting for cash? How tacky can you get?

marshmallowpies · 23/03/2015 08:57

OP I wouldn't be offended being asked to give cash or vouchers, not in the least.

HazleNutt · 23/03/2015 09:00

Whereas a couple in their 50s who "can't afford" their own towels and butter dishes and need to send out a list so other people buy them - is totally different and not tacky at all? I fail to see the difference.

expatinscotland · 23/03/2015 09:08

I don't, either , Hazel. If you have all you need - because you have been living together for years, have been married before, in later adulthood and have been living as one a while, then it follows you don't need gifts.

Cretaceous · 23/03/2015 09:08

I thought it was a bit tacky, but would never say so in real life. (I think that's where the disparity between Mumsnet and IRL lies, actually - people who think it's grabby wouldn't dream of saying it in person!) If we ever get married, I'd say strictly no gifts, as it costs people enough to get to the hen night/wedding etc. It's different for younger people just establishing themselves, where they come to the marriage with nothing. Therefore, if the OP falls into that category, I'd say go for the cash option.

expatinscotland · 23/03/2015 09:11

It's way tacky, Cret. FFS. Just goes to show how grabby some people are. Tbh, I'd decline that invitation and send a card.

missusdaly · 23/03/2015 09:14

Don't ask for cash. Don't ask for gifts. Furnish your own home. Spread the message.

Cretaceous · 23/03/2015 09:14

Smile Twenty years ago, another friend charged guests to attend their wedding, so they could afford it! So it could be worse...

DrSethHazlittMD · 23/03/2015 09:16

I was invited to an evening do. Which was in a rather nice hotel but no food laid on so it was really just a disco. The couple I barely knew - bride was daughter of friends who I perhaps had chatted to for no more than three hours in five years, but I thought perhaps they had invited me because most of the guests were going to be their fellow uni students (tiny family) and thought I'd be company for their parents along with another couple of mutual friends.

They included with the invite an appeal for cash for their honeymoon. I thought it a bit cheeky under those circumstances.

expatinscotland · 23/03/2015 09:19

Hope you declined, Seth.

kwerty · 23/03/2015 09:20

Mumsnt just doesn't reflect real life when it comes to weddings.

If there is a list- and lists are not a new thing as a pp suggested- then choose from the list.
No list? Give cash. If you would have bought say, a kettle, then give the amount you would have spent on the kettle. Simple!
Of course it is not 'grabby' to expect presents. That's how it works at weddings.
If you can't stand the whole idea, decline the invite.

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 23/03/2015 09:29

When I got married I didn't put any gift info or requests in with the invite but if people asked, I had a list in Debenhams they could use if they wanted too. I don't like it when invites ask for cash but in your case op its quite practical and people will understand.

tallulahlah · 23/03/2015 09:29

A girl I used to work with invited me to her night doo and she requested money for their honeymoon. Fair enough, a lot of people do that but she asked for the money to be paid in to her bank account and gave her sort code and account number on the invitation.
I understand her reasons, it was convenient, but I found it sooo rude. No politeness, no flowery words, no funny poem.
I just got them a nice card, a few weeks later she deleted me off Facebook. Such a loss Hmm

19lottie82 · 23/03/2015 09:32

ok, my OPINION is this....

It is vulgar and crass to ask for money (however you word it) when you send out your wedding invites, or at any point, unless someone asks what your preference for a wedding present is.

I got married last year and we didn't mention anything like that on our invites, but tbh most guests (90%) gave us money anyway, and I would expect, as you are not getting married in your home country, most (if not all) of your guests that want to give you a gift, will have the sense to give you money, or something small, rather than something that is a logistical nightmare.

TheAnswerIsYes · 23/03/2015 09:52

We were married abroad and I think we said that due to the difficulty of transporting boxed gifts cash gifts would be appreciated.

I don't care if it appeared rude, I already had loads of stuff to get home and didn't need to be worried about packing and transporting a load of tat back.

diddl · 23/03/2015 09:56

if it's an after wedding party, would it be odd to have a gift list somewhere?

If HoF deliver to you, would vouchers work, or would online coupons be needediyswim?

If so, best to ask for vouchers or cash when asked, so that you won't be trying to take stuff back.

If you are needing stuff though, would be nice to try & keep a note of what you bought so that you could let people know.

19lottie82 · 23/03/2015 10:02

TheAnswerIsYes
But this is pretty obvious / common sense tho, isn't it? no one is going to give you a crystal decanter set if you need to transport it in your luggage overseas.

Bambambini · 23/03/2015 11:23

I would feel uncomfortable about asking upfront for cash for my wedding (cos I'm an auld bint)it but I would be happy to give you cash.

On Mumsnet you will be told it's tacky and grabby and the height of bad manners - in the reall world it's become very common and even expected often. My neice and all her friends (all 20's) who have married recently think this is perfectly accepted.

Charitybelle · 23/03/2015 11:34

So op, what are you going to do?

You've asked the mumsnet jury for their verdict and you've gotten a pretty split response as far as I can see. IRL it's likely that your friends and family will reflect this with some finding it tacky and some finding it perfectly reasonable.

Question is, will you ask for the cash anyway Grin

I agree with a pp btw that it isn't just on mumsnet that it's found to be a bit grabby it's just that IRL nobody would ever say it to your face!

HazleNutt · 23/03/2015 12:07

lottie you would think..
In real life, even otherwise intelligent and reasonable people often don't seem to think one step ahead. DS always gets massively bulky gifts for Xmas whenever we visit family abroad. By plane, with limited luggage allowance. Where exactly I'm supposed to put the life-sized teddy bear and ride-on car, I have not figured out yet..

waithorse · 23/03/2015 12:14

Asking for cash or cheques is vulgar. It isn't just a MN thing. It's simply rude and in bad taste.

Harverina · 23/03/2015 12:17

I personally would rather give cash than give a bulky present that the recipient couldn't even get home!

The op is anticipating people asking her, she isn't asking for cash!

I don't see what is vulgar about it when people are giving gifts anyway

Skiptonlass · 23/03/2015 12:27

we just made it very, very clear that we expected absolutely nothing from friends and family, and that their presence alone was great (we got married outside of the UK.)

Some brought gifts, some didn't. Some brought cash, but not many. Honestly, we didn't care if people brought nothing. We had fun, the guests had fun, everyone was happy. I hate it when weddings are a way to make a profit :(

We were t going to have a gift list, but so many people asked us about it that we did set one up in the end - a small gift list with plenty of cheaper options, including gift vouchers. If folks want to bring cash, they can on the day. Have a card box or something or designate a parent to keep it all safe.

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