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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask for cash for wedding present?

100 replies

TheFuckistUppist · 23/03/2015 04:47

Inspired by the recent thread about revolting poems requesting cash in wedding invites.

I'm getting married later in the year. I live abroad and will get married in the country I live in, but will fly home to see everyone in my family soon afterwards.

Now my husband and I are moving into our first home together and we really do need things like bed linen and cutlery and things, but because I won't be able to transport gifts home, I would prefer if those who want to give gifts would give us a cheque. Most people in my family will probably see this as logical, however, there are some older people who I know hate the idea of giving cash and some who might unthinkingly give us bulky gifts which we can't take back with us.

What should I do - say nothing until people actually ask? Ask politely for cash, but only as a suggestion, no gift necessary? There are a couple of stores like House Of Fraser who actually deliver to where I live, could I suggest this is an idea for would-be gift-givers?

OP posts:
Kytti · 23/03/2015 07:49

MN hates gift lists and requests for cash. For those of us in the real world of sense I think it's fine. I'd go for a gift-list myself from one of the stores that deliver. For those that you thing won't be offended, ask for cash. People like to give gifts to people getting married, and they'd rather you got something you want.

It's not grabby, it's NORMAL.

MrsMook · 23/03/2015 07:51

I like being asked for cash, it's very simple to put cash or a cheque in a card and saves trawling around town. Many of our guests travelled long distances, and cash is very portable. It allowed us to get what we needed, including decorating supplies which aren't really suitable for a list.

It also saves the bother of dealing with 50 phone calls asking you for what you want. I wouldn't appreciate having to chase the couple up to find out what they would like in the name of etiquette.

I find the mumsnet attitude to this rather bemusing, and ironic given the attitude to other traditional etiquette such as "Mrs A DHname". It seems you can pick and choose...

Justyouwaitandsee · 23/03/2015 07:52

See this is one issue when I think the usually wise and sensible MN thinking, gets really bizarre!

Traditions change and gift lists have been around for years in the UK, in other countries and cultures, giving money is the norm (even down to pinning notes to the B&G)

A friend of mine did similar to you. They live in a different country. Did the legal bit over there and then organised a second celebration over here for friends and family. In the invitation they explained the problems with not being able to transport gifts home. I can't remember if they outright asked for money instead but if so, then I didn't notice anyone who seemed to mind.

Personally, I find gift lists far more 'grabby' (although realise that it is a custom) but I couldn't bear the thought of going around with a scanner and find it more surreal wondering whether a designer pizza cutter or one designer hand towel says more about my feelings towards the B&G.

I don't care at all what people do for gifts, and as you say, you have a good reason to ask. Just be prepared that some might go ahead and buy gifts anyway but hopefully only a few which won't be so difficult to transport or you can take the decision to leave behind. Definitely get parents and/or gps on side explaining to aunts and uncles etc

antumbra · 23/03/2015 07:57

To ask for anything- cash or gifts is rude.

RattieofCatan · 23/03/2015 07:59

If people ask then i dont think you're being unreasonable. Ive not outright said on any invites (we've not bothered to do them tbh!) But if people ask we're asking for a contribution to a lifetime membership at the national trust. We have no space for new home things or gifts as we live in a tiny flat, we don't want anything at all tbh and we're hoping that most won't bring anything!

Can you set up a gift list to a shop that people can order things online for you from?

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 23/03/2015 08:01

Some old fashioned people might think it's a bit grabby.

Are you having a honeymoon? You could ask for people to buy you experiences for the honeymoon.

I bought my brother & sil cocktails and a wine tasting fir their honeymoon. In reality the cash all just gets pooled together as a lump sum for the couple.

xxhunnyxx · 23/03/2015 08:08

A lot of people, especially older family members want to give gifts when a couple get married.
I'd say something on the lines of "we don't request any gifts, however we understand that there may be some of you who wish to mark the occasion of our wedding by giving a gift, in which case we would really appreciate ............ But please don't feel obliged to give in any way".

areyoubeingserviced · 23/03/2015 08:09

Sorry Op, I think it is vulgar to ask for cash or even mention the fact that you would prefer cash.
IMHO , most people dislike being asked for money.

nottheOP · 23/03/2015 08:09

If you're sending one of those info sheets it needs a paragraph like:

The most important thing is that we celebrate our wedding with you. We understand that some may wish to buy a gift, in which case we would prefer it to be small to help with transporting it home. There is, of course, no obligation.

diddl · 23/03/2015 08:11

If you are getting married in the country that you live in, why would you need to transport gifts home?

Won't people coming to the wedding bring gifts with them?

popalot · 23/03/2015 08:15

Can't see the problem with asking for cash. Why do people get their knickers in a twist about stuff like this if it's not even their wedding? I would be happy giving cash if the couple preferred it. Have done in the past. What's the problem? Why give the couple something they don't want?

GunShotResidue · 23/03/2015 08:16

We moved to mainland Europe a week after our wedding, we drove over so had no room for presents. When people asked we suggested cash (we did say they didn't need to give anything but most people said they wanted to) as we were moving to a party furnished house and had no idea what we'd need. The money went towards a washing machine and fridge freezer.

Everyone invited to our wedding were close friends or family. They all understood that we didn't expect anything, they know us well enough to know we're not 'grabby', and they knew our situation and why we couldn't accept presents.

Quite a few of my friends have asked for money and in real life I've never heard anyone complain about it. I think it makes life easier, you don't have to go shopping or carry a bulky present round the reception.

musicalendorphins2 · 23/03/2015 08:17

Any mention of gifts on the invitation is tacky. I prefer to give cash for a wedding gift, but seeing it in an invitation would annoy me. How many people are we talking about that will be giving gifts to take home with you?
If it is just a few, bring an empty suitcase to tote gifts home in.

IrmaGuard · 23/03/2015 08:18

I think the thing people are missing are that these gifts are supposed to come from family/friends who won't be at the wedding.

popalot · 23/03/2015 08:19

And since when was gift giving not part of a wedding?! People who say it's grabby, if you weren't asked to bring a gift I presume you wouldn't? That's rude if you ask me. Not to bring a gift to a wedding or care what the couple want. And if there is no list, what if the couple end up with loads of kettles and toasters?! It's madness. Ask for what you want. Weddings have always been about giving gifts and setting the couple up in their home together.

Frostycam · 23/03/2015 08:23

In real life, some people do hate demands for cash, and it puts guests in a quandary of how much to give.

My aunt and uncle are currently in disagreement over how much to give grabby niece who has put tacky poem in invitations for her wedding.

OneFlewOverTheMumsNest · 23/03/2015 08:24

MN hates gift lists and requests for cash. For those of us in the real world of sense I think it's fine.

This! I wouldn't dream of going to a wedding without giving a gift, much prefer giving something the couple actually want and not make their lives more complicated at a stressful time, like having to organise international shipping/delivery for gifts.

SinglePringle · 23/03/2015 08:24

I dislike being asked for cash. Intensely. I think it vulgar and rude. I like to give a gift that the couple will look at and think 'ah, that was fron SP for your wedding'. Money can just be frittered away on bills and the like. I like gift lists; they point in the right direction and you're buying to the taste of the couple.

I equally dislike being asked to contribute to honeymoons - if you can't afford the holiday you desire, save or scale back.

I give gift vouchers if forced to give cash.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 23/03/2015 08:25

Obviously a few people mind requests for cash, they always appear on these threads, but in real life I've only ever heard people say how much easier it makes things, I certainly don't mind.

seriouslypeedoff · 23/03/2015 08:27

Op are you having a second wedding here? If not, which your op implies, I would imagine it will only be family that will want to get you a gift. Surely its easy enough to explain to family. My dbro had a wedding list. I called him and asked what he wanted most off it and got that. I don't find lists grabby or saying you would prefer money if someone asks.

I would have thought your family would have considered how you are going to get stuff home.

WayfaringStranger · 23/03/2015 08:31

Not sure why MN get so het up over cash gifts, it's the norm in my circle. I much prefer it, saves me a lot of hassle.

BasinHaircut · 23/03/2015 08:31

My BIL/SIL Visited 'home' 6 months after they got engaged and MIL threw them a bit of an engagement party. Friends and family all brought bulky and heavy gifts, not even thinking about how they were going To transport them to the other side of the world. To cut a long story short they didn't, they are gathering dust 5 years later in my MIL's spare room. Such a waste of money.

BasinHaircut · 23/03/2015 08:39

I also don't get the issue with suggesting cash as a suitable gift to guests. The old fashioned gift list was surely to set newlyweds up in their new home, as they would just be moving in together. Nowadays a gift list wouldn't have the same purpose in most instances and most couples live together pre-marriage. So a modern day gift list of 'wants' rather than 'needs' is no less indulgent and 'grabby' as asking for cash to put all togther and spend on something expensive you want (I.e. a honeymoon, new bed/sofa etc).

To me it makes much more sense anyway. I'll give you cash, you get exactly what you want with it. I don't have to traipse round shops and you don't have to work out what to do with multiple toasters or pretend to be grateful for napkin rings. Everyone is a winner!

Cretaceous · 23/03/2015 08:39

"it puts guests in a quandary of how much to give.""
This! Got one coming up. Couple are in their 50s, and want to put it towards a honeymoon. No idea how much to give. Smile

BasinHaircut · 23/03/2015 08:43

Give what you can afford.

When we got married we got amounts from £10-£300 as gifts. I was grateful for each and every one.

We used our wedding gift cash for our honeymoon because we are vulgar