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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About DP's comments or is he an arse?

107 replies

BlueBananas · 20/03/2015 18:17

DP was on the phone to one of his friends earlier and he is quite a loud talker when on the phone so I could hear most of his side of the conversation
He was asking said friend whether he was still seeing a girl, was telling the friend she was good looking and potential material for 'wife-ing off' then said "actually it's a shame she's not a bit older or I'd take her off you myself"
I'm massively offended and more upset than pissed off by this, he said it was just lads banter and I shouldn't take everything so seriously, then said it's probably just the hormones that are making me a bit sensitive (I'm pregnant - 1st trimester)
I think I'm not hormonal, over sensitive or taking things too seriously he is just a disrespectful arsehole who came out of that conversation looking like a bit of a pervert aswell
We are at a stand off, I'm throwing it out to the MN jury - AIBU or is he being a knob?

OP posts:
thatsucks · 21/03/2015 07:43

Only you know your husband and know how it was said and meant.

In black and white, on here, he sounds like a total fucking sleazy arsehole.

But what do I know?

( at 'he deserves a smacked botty' on so many levels)

Fuckup · 21/03/2015 07:45

Hmm my dp thinks that sort of talk is pathetic as do I. Not all men are like this with 'the bantz', if I wanted a bit of shallow fun I'd go for a guy like that, for a relationship and family no way. What if you have girls? presumably most dads would be disgusted to hear their daughters talked about like a piece of meat or personal property.

Poster ubove making a comment about Isis. wtf Confused people are suggesting she leaves him (which she wouldn't be entitled to do under sharia law)

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 21/03/2015 07:49

Sorry for the escalation... I just think it's wrong that a pregnant woman who is asking for advice could be made to feel pretty horrible by one or two nasty comments. In my eyes that is as far from feminism as you can get - so much for the sisterhood.

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 21/03/2015 07:50

My reference to ISIS was in response to a previous poster who said he'd fit right in.

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 21/03/2015 07:50

I'm shocked at some of these comments. Decent husband cracks one slightly ill advised joke and it's pitch forks at dawn.

I can easily see women saying something similar "if I was ten years younger"

I just don't understand why people can't seem to tell the difference between a joke and a serious comment.

KatieKaye · 21/03/2015 07:55

He was a total knob but you say he's not normally like this which is good. Hope it was just him being a jealous and immature prat .

But using the phrase lads banter to try to dismiss that sort of juvenile remark sounds more like a 16 year old reader of Nuts than an adult father of two.

Joyfulldeathsquad · 21/03/2015 07:55

ifinished actually he said he would have a go himself if she was old enough. Nice.

And I think it's wrong that other women think it's ok to talk like this in front of his pregnsnt partner which actually upset her enough to post.

Comparison to Isis and children - come on now hysterical much.

HotSquashedBun · 21/03/2015 07:58

Some major over reactions on here! Yes I agree the comment was disrespectful, he shouldn't have said it and it makes him sound like knob. Also blaming your hormones for you being upset is knobbish too BUT you know him and your relationship better than anyone on here, I'd let him know how you felt, tell him it was a disrespectful comment, hopefully get an apology and leave it at that. It was a silly comment that he probably didn't even mean.
For the posters writing "I'm sorry your pregnant to this man" shite and encouraging op to leave - not helpful, not supportive, actually quite nasty as all that does is make the op feel even shitter.
Congratulations on your pregnancy op!

ApocalypseThen · 21/03/2015 07:59

The OP refers to a partner rather than a husband so I'd find that a bit troubling. I'm not suggesting that the OP should interpret it this way, but if it were me, I'd be wondering why he was interested in er, wifing off another woman.

Joyfulldeathsquad · 21/03/2015 08:01

Maybe op isn't wife material

TheRealAmandaClarke · 21/03/2015 08:45

I dont think anyone thinks its ok to talk like that.
Just thatits not neccessarily the case that the dp is a complete shit.

Joyfulldeathsquad · 21/03/2015 09:17

No - as nice blokes always envisage going after some one else while there gf is knocked up.

popalot · 21/03/2015 09:30

oh the 'you're being too sensitive' line to get away with being unkind to someone. YABU, it would piss me off too. It's not hormones. It's not oversensitive. It's him being knobby and making you feel like shit.

popalot · 21/03/2015 09:31

YANBU I meant....as you can prob tell!

HappydaysArehere · 21/03/2015 09:38

Men take a very long time to grow up. Plus the old ego trip, must sound like one of the boys. You are pregnant and sensitive and he was being stupid. I would definitely let him know that it upset you and being upset is something you could do without at the present time. Don't let it get to you but let him KNOW!

JemimaPuddlePop · 21/03/2015 09:50

actually he said he would have a go himself if she was old enough

What the op actually said he said was 'actually it's a shame she's not a bit older or I'd take her off you myself'. I think the difference in those two sentences is quite a bit in terms of intent.

That's why there are some posters you should ignore op - because some will take a sentence and twist it to have a different/predatory/rapey meaning...which wasn't in the original sentence at all.

He didn't say old enough which implies he's some sort of paedo. And he didn't say 'have a go myself' which implies he's going to find her, pin her down and rape her.

Joyfulldeathsquad · 21/03/2015 09:59

It's exactly the same - shame she isn't a bit older/ if she was old enough .

If you think it's fine for your DH to talk about other females like that fine - but a lot of women don't like it.

Original poster
BlueBananas · 21/03/2015 10:25

Just caught up this morning and I'd just like to clarify a few points - he didn't say "if she was old enough" 1. He I not a peadophile and 3. She is old enough! He said "Shame she's not a bit older" as this friend and obv this girl are quite a few years younger than DP
And I suppose it is the same as a woman saying "if I was 10 years younger" I didn't think of it like that and that actually makes me look at it a bit differently and feel better about it so Thankyou to all of the rational an supportive posters
The ones calling my partner a terrorist/rapist/peado much less thanks to you! And the ones that said I wasn't wide material but this other girl obv is in his eyes - well thanks for kicking a girl while she's down! Biscuit for you!

OP posts:
Original poster
BlueBananas · 21/03/2015 10:29

Wife material*

OP posts:
WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 21/03/2015 11:29

Glad you are feeling better about the whole thing. Congrats on the pregnancy.

antimatter · 21/03/2015 11:45

Threads like this one make me happy that MN exists. It educates.

IMHO this was mysogyny at it's best. I hear comments like that at work, likely less and less as we stood up and tried to change men's horrible attitude with their language. But so many posters thinking this was just a light banter. It beggars belief.

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 21/03/2015 12:12

antimatter thing is I've heard much much worse from women about men.
Yes this was on bad taste but I personally would rather have a few jokes knocking around that are a bit risky than live in a world devoid of humour.
So many people on mumsnet (less in real life) take things far too seriously.

DoJo · 21/03/2015 12:27

Men do talk differently when there aren't women around. As do us women when men aren't around.

Maybe you do, but I don't. I can't remember saying anything to a female friend that I think would upset my husband. And if something I said did upset him, then I wouldn't accuse him of being too sensitive, or blame his hormones, I would apologise and mean it. I love him, and whilst he may not be perfect, he has never discussed shagging another woman whilst in my ear shot (and I would be very surprised if he had ever done so out of my earshot either).

Charlesroi · 21/03/2015 12:38

He's an arse but it's not a hanging offence - just a mild knee in the bollocks.

Brices · 21/03/2015 12:54

It's not so much his comment on the phone, though I dislike this, it's putting the "sensitivity" down to pregnancy hormones. Quite unpleasant.
Don't know how I'd tackle this...
Not today, but few days later probably take the option of 1) I know now I shouldn't over listen to your private phone calls and no wonder I got the wrong end of the stick
2) I can sometimes feel very jealous, love you, your such a catch type thing
3) I felt very upset that you dismissed the way I feel because of the pregnancy. Will you say this throughout the nine months? (Get him acknowledge how unfair this would be)
4) so glad we have type of relationship were we can talk openly
Not a deal breaker but requires "training" it's how you go about it. Any training requires a lot of positives as well. How I'd go about it anyway! Good luck