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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About DP's comments or is he an arse?

107 replies

BlueBananas · 20/03/2015 18:17

DP was on the phone to one of his friends earlier and he is quite a loud talker when on the phone so I could hear most of his side of the conversation
He was asking said friend whether he was still seeing a girl, was telling the friend she was good looking and potential material for 'wife-ing off' then said "actually it's a shame she's not a bit older or I'd take her off you myself"
I'm massively offended and more upset than pissed off by this, he said it was just lads banter and I shouldn't take everything so seriously, then said it's probably just the hormones that are making me a bit sensitive (I'm pregnant - 1st trimester)
I think I'm not hormonal, over sensitive or taking things too seriously he is just a disrespectful arsehole who came out of that conversation looking like a bit of a pervert aswell
We are at a stand off, I'm throwing it out to the MN jury - AIBU or is he being a knob?

OP posts:
SmillasSenseOfSnow · 20/03/2015 22:53

OP, he could still continue to be 'a very good father' to your children if you decided that actually, he wasn't all that worth staying for for his partner qualities, you know?

Boardingblues · 20/03/2015 23:12

This board is wild! There are people encouraging a pregnant woman to leave her husband and the father of her children over s stupid and juvenile comment! FFS!

He is a silly boy. Deserves a smack botty. That's it!

emmelinelucas · 20/03/2015 23:21

So people are saying LTB . Over a stupid, and yes, insensitive comment.
Typical !

Joyfulldeathsquad · 20/03/2015 23:33

He is a silly boy. Deserves a smack botty. That's it!

That there is why male chauvinist pigs get away with shit because they couldn't actually mean it could they. His pregnant partner is in ear shot and he is envisaging shagging his mates new gf. Oh yes wife material - what that then?

He is a sexist pig. Just like a lot of blokes are and they need pulling on it. Not other women turning a blind eye and treating them like children

Notrevealingmyidentity · 20/03/2015 23:38

It's pretty vile and indicative of how he views women in general. And his wife to have such a conversation where she could hear.

It may be a one off. It may not. Only OP knows and can decide accordingly.

BigRedBall · 20/03/2015 23:47

C'mon, you didn't need MN to tell you what you already knew. It was massively disrespectful. But you know your DH better than us. My DH makes jokes if I ever talk about single friends and says silly things like "tell her I'm available!"...obviously he's only joking and he means nothing by it. I have no other reason to feel suspicious or angry at him for this.

Some people are overreacting here with the sweariness and calls to LTB!

I hope you can tell him you didn't like the way he spoke and he can respect you and not say something like that again.

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 20/03/2015 23:53

I'm intrigued as to whether the comments saying he is a knob and OP should leave him come from:
A. Women whose partners are absolutely perfect, who never put a foot out of line, and know if they do they'll be out the door
B. Women whose partners are human like everyone else but they choose to make others feel rubbish for marrying less than perfection
C. Women who are single and want others to be single too
D. Another, unidentified group.

keepsmiling2015 · 20/03/2015 23:59

Role reverse it. I can totally see a woman saying that about a younger man. ' oh if he was older I'd marry him myself'. And nobody would bat an eyelid. It could be just a throwaway comment.

BathtimeFunkster · 21/03/2015 00:00

Women whose partners aren't sexist twats?

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 21/03/2015 00:04

What BathtimeFunkster said. He's far from perfect, but no-one is perfect. If he was far from perfect in the 'being a sexist twat' sense then he'd be out the door.

JemimaPuddlePop · 21/03/2015 00:05

Leave him op. Go and pack his bags and kick the fucker out. Be alone, bring up your children without him with you, go through your pregnancy and birth alone.

Or you could ignore the bitter/lying/stirring (delete as appropriate) harpies who are saying 'LTB'...and treat it as what it was, a private conversation between your dh and his friend, yes a bit thoughtless and knobbish but not in the i'm-leaving-you realms - nowhere near.

JemimaPuddlePop · 21/03/2015 00:08

And ignore BathtimeFunkster op - such a horrible, patronising, faux-concerned post could only come from someone with the intent to make you feel worse.

BathtimeFunkster - Flowers for your damaged ego

Branleuse · 21/03/2015 00:18

lads banter, I wouldn't look for any deeper meaning to it. Just a moronic comment.

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 21/03/2015 00:19

But one person's 'sexist twat' is another's 'one of the lads'. On the other hand your 'acceptable' imperfections might have OP running for the hills (or telling you to LTB). Each to their own and thank goodness or we'd all be fighting over the same 10 men.

BathtimeFunkster · 21/03/2015 00:28

Oh sure, there are always lots of people on hand ready to excuse sexism. Or racism for that matter.

But it's interesting to see such objectionable attitudes described as acceptable aesthetic choices.

Although I think you are right, there are lots of women who are attracted to men because they find sexism alluring.

But the happy news is that no woman actually has to stay with a sexist man. Although sadly many feel they need to "work hard" at their relationship.

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 21/03/2015 00:42

My definition of a sexist twat isn't someone who makes a single jokey comment but otherwise treats women with respect. That's what I mean, not that someone who believes women should be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen is 'one of the lads'. There is a difference and trying to say they're both as bad as each other just weakens any argument against real sexism.
And I've never made excuses for racism. God knows where that came from but I'm the daughter of an immigrant so bad luck if you were hoping to play that card. Sad

EstRusMum · 21/03/2015 00:43

Another vote for him being a knob. "Lad" my arse. I'd kick him out tbh.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 21/03/2015 00:47

No argument against given flavours of sexism weakens any argument about any other flavour of sexism. That is an argument devoid of any substance designed purely to shut other people down.

Boardingblues · 21/03/2015 01:13

I have made similar comments to my girlfriends about men…. In front of my husband too! I shall tell him to leave me!

zippey · 21/03/2015 02:46

People will talk in different ways with different people. How he speaks to you will be different to, say for example, his mum, his friend, his priest etc.

It's a snapshot of your life. In the big scheme of things it's a throwaway comment said in a jokey fashion, and people have different sense of humour. You'll have to consider how he is generally, and by what you say he seems like a good lad.

Joyfulldeathsquad · 21/03/2015 06:49

Yes it is a snap shot - a snap shot on how he views women. 'Wifey' material what the fuck is that? Is she pretty and a virgin? Does she STFU. Tbh I can't believe people still think like that.

If I over heard that conversation Id tell him to take the challenge up.

My dp isn't perfect far from it - but I've never witnessed him egging another lad on over a woman like she is a piece of meat. Whay fucking decade do we live in??

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 21/03/2015 07:24

Well yesterday a friend came round and we were talking about bladder control after having children. I made a joke about not being able to jump on a trampoline but 'hopefully' my DCs were worth it.
It obviously betrayed my real attitudes to my kids - they should be taken away from me immediately and my husband should leave me for being such an awful person. Thank god children don't have to stay with awful, evil mums like me. There are options.

Arrowfanatic · 21/03/2015 07:34

Well, didn't that escalate quickly! Tbh I do think you're being over sensitive, but not unreasonably so as only you know what upsets you.

If my OH made that comment I'd probably laugh along with him as I know he isn't being serious and he certainly isn't disrespectful to women at all. He's a loving father and husband and it was just banter, surely it's a bit along the lines of us women saying snog/marry/avoid.

Tell him it upset you but don't go over the top x

TheRealAmandaClarke · 21/03/2015 07:37

Amen (especially about the trampoline Grin) biscuits

I dont know.
It was a knobish thing to say. Definitely.
But maybe being wifey material means that he thinks she and his friend would make a good couple. That shes attractive and sems like a good person for a lt relationship?
I have friends with decent, attractive boyfriends/ partners who I think would make "good husbands" for them.
I have others with twatty knob head DPs who I suspected were not DH material from the early days.

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 21/03/2015 07:39

It's funny because some of you sound far more like ISIS than OP's other half.

"He muttered something about 'wifeing up' - tie him up and chuck him off the top of a building."

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