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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This isn't sexist at all.

999 replies

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 20/03/2015 17:55

In my DH works on night shifts each of the wives/partners cook for all the men on shift.

I'm happy with it and so are all the other women, we have been doing this for years. It means they all get a hot home made meal.

The 1 partner of a new man who has started has pulled a strop and said it sexiest and very 1950.

The reason we all enjoy cooking them as we can step away from cooking 'kids' meals and kick up the heat on curries and jerk chicken ect.
While I accept that children do eat these kind of meals within our friendship group all these are always done mild.

IABU to think it is not sexiest.

In able to do this many years ago with the Christmas bonus they brought a George foreman, slow cooker, pressure cooker and a rice cooker. Due to H&S the only thing they haven't got is a deep fat fryer. But all the others have been PACT tested.

OP posts:
MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 20/03/2015 18:29

Wtaf? Of COURSE it's not normal to take umbrage because a woman doesn't want to skivvy around after the menfolk in Stepford fashion. Contacting this woman to inform her of her duties is so far across a line it's unreal Shock

Why are these men unable to take in their own food if they wish to do so? What's wrong with "Steve we all bring in a meal to share on the night shift. Do you want to join in too?" Why drag his poor partner into it?

davidjrmum · 20/03/2015 18:30

I think you should start a rota to take turns ironing their shirts too!

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 20/03/2015 18:30

Maybe she's a vegetarian or doesn't like cooking? Or maybe she has a fucking job and life of her own and believes that what her husband eats during work is his own affair?

loveareadingthanks · 20/03/2015 18:30

Exactly. That's why it's sexist.

So at DPs workplace they've got themselves a rota to provide meals for everyone. I can see that might be nice. But who actually makes the meal or orders the takeway or whatever, is down to the people who work there. Messaging her directly with the suggestion that SHE join in providing food for THEIR rota, is the sexist thing. It's the assumption that the woman will be the one doing it, even though the workplace and meal is nothing to do with her. If DP had a job with this sort of thing, he'd be the one doing the shopping and cooking for his turn. It's weird to assume it's the wives/partners (and to let off the single man with a sad little fry up instead of a proper meal, because men can't/don't cook in your world?)

NickiFury · 20/03/2015 18:30

They all sound utterly obsessed with food. Do they ever actually manage to get any work done? Or are they too busy filling their faces?

capsium · 20/03/2015 18:31

I'd be tempted to send him in with value beans, spam and packet mash tbh.

ajaygee · 20/03/2015 18:32

This has to be a joke.

I understand if a group of friends/workers who've known each other for years etc have got together and decided to do a group batch cooking rota thing for convenience/social activity/because they enjoy cooking/to reduce costs or something.

But this new wife being expected to cook just because her DH has started working there too?

She's not an extension of him - fine for him and her to arrange cooking so she pitches in, but that's a private thing between couples

Also most women have enough work (paid or around the home, or whatever) to do without a group of women she doesn't know expecting and pressuring her to meet their idea of social norms (which are frankly just a bit bonkers to anyone outside their circle!!)

And she may, quite rightly, reject participation on the grounds that it's sexist - unless ALL partners are pressured in the same way to partake in their weird setup

So OP, would girlfriends be pressured to pitch in?
What about divorced men?
Or partners within same sex couples?
Or what if gasp there's a female employee in the shift, does her DH get as much pressure crap to participate?

I repeat, this is either a joke OR the OP has been doing it for so long she honestly can't see how strange this setup is (or imagine family dynamics / logistics outside of her own relationship).

BitOutOfPractice · 20/03/2015 18:32

OP I imagine she found your text quite unpleasant.

Although to be fair if my DP (gasp! not married) presented me with that text on his phone I would laugh like a drain assuming it to be a joke. A very unfunny joke but a joke all the same

DoJo · 20/03/2015 18:32

Why didn't your husband tell her husband what happens and let him and his wife decide whether they wanted to be a part of it or not? If you really wanted to make her feel included, then you texting her on your husband's phone to her husband's phone is weird - if you wanted to include her then why not call her and speak to her about it?

Totality22 · 20/03/2015 18:33

"it was taking all break to use the microwave" - really??? I mean REALLY? It was honestly taking your DH all of his break to cook a microwave meal?

Original poster
PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 20/03/2015 18:33

The men didn't ask, it was something we wanted to do.

I accept that I was being unreasonable by texting her, it doesn't mean we are all step ford wives.

Tonight DH did all the housework and bathed the kids and put them to bed watching dvd.

It something nice we like to do for our partners.

OP posts:
TalkinPeace · 20/03/2015 18:34

OK, lets cut OP a bit of slack.

A team of people work night shifts together.
They like having a hot meal in the middle of the night.

They could each eat a shitty chicken ping
OR
they could save a fortune by taking turns to bring in a communal meal.

OP happens to cook the one her team member DH takes in.
Chances are some of the other team members actually cook what they take in.
One team member prefers to do short order cook breakfast than take something in from home could have a crap kitchen where they live

A new team member has not been invited in a way that makes it clear that each team member decides how best to participate

  • it may be the spouse/partner cooks
  • it may be the team member cooks
  • it may be their parents cook
  • it may be their children cook
  • they may hire a caterer

the idea of a communal meal is FAB
the way OP's DH has presented it to the new team member needs work

basically OP, your DH should have invited him to take part
not you invite his wife
IYSWIM

TheHoundsBitch · 20/03/2015 18:35

Does anybody else remember a thread about sexism, cabbage (possibly overcooled) and a colander? I may have imagined it, but this thread is reminding me of it.... Confused Grin

chickydoo · 20/03/2015 18:35

I bloody hate cooking! Don't care if it's Jerk chicken or fish fingers.
If DH wants food at work, what in God's name has it got to do with me. Op you are very sweet to cook for your DH. Me....I earn the money, not cooking aswell.

BackforGood · 20/03/2015 18:35

This really does sound unbelievable.
Can you imagine, your dh gets a text, telling you you have to go on a rota to cook food for a bunch of your dh's colleagues, because they have decided it's nice to eat one big meal together (fine - all lovely so far) but for some unfathomable reason, they are unable to actually cook that meal themselves. Shock Shock Shock

I don't understand why your dh / his colleagues didn't just say to the new member of the team
'While we are on nights, most of us take turns on a rota to bring in a one pat meal for the whole team. It's about once every 3 months and up to you if you want to join or not'
New colleague makes up his own mind. It has absolutely nothing to do with his wife / partner AT ALL, and I can't believe you would think it has Shock Shock Shock

Original poster
PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 20/03/2015 18:35

I can't speak on the phone, I have an horrendous stutter and it's worse on the phone.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 20/03/2015 18:36

xposted with Talkin

anothernumberone · 20/03/2015 18:36

hahaha OP good one Grin

TalkinPeace · 20/03/2015 18:37

piper
You should not be involved in the conversation
the team members have to sort it out themselves

Notrevealingmyidentity · 20/03/2015 18:37

I think it sounds fine Confused

You just have an informal arrangement that one person provides food each week for the team yes ?

And if someone doesn't want to they just bring their own food and opt out ?

And at the moment it so happens that the wives do the cooking. Women doing the cooking isn't itself sexist is it ? If they want to and are happy to do so ?

Perhaps the way new member was invited to take part is the issue like talkin says ?

DidoTheDodo · 20/03/2015 18:37

Can you get the sack for taking in a nice rocket salad with lemon dressing?

BitOutOfPractice · 20/03/2015 18:37

I have an ex-DP who works in EXACTLY this kind of shift set up and it just so happens that 95% of the shift is male (oil industry). They do cook a meal on shift often. They do it themselves. The thought that I should cook for his whole shift would have made me snort with derision. He often took in leftovers of what I (or he) had cooked for the family for himself only but that's as far as it went

Thsi set up is bonkers

eddielizzard · 20/03/2015 18:37

i don't think it's sexist. if a woman was working and everyone refused to ask her dp to join in because he's a man that's sexist.

i think it's a great idea and i would join in too. means everyone gets a home cooked meal every night, no nasty ready meals and you only do it once every couple of months. what's not to like? unless someone's really shit at cooking...

BitOutOfPractice · 20/03/2015 18:38

Thanks for the underlining for the hard of understanding talking Grin

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 20/03/2015 18:38

"Us partners do the rota due to the fact that we do have a life."

Well that's big of them OP, letting you have a life in between cooking up all these mounds of stew and curry for them.

"Vaginas don't cook stews any better than a pair of balls."
Words to live by OP, words to live by...

PS I'm loving this thread. The responses are terrific.

PPS I stand by my comment that it's a nice thing to do for your partner - if you want to. But surely you can't have been surprised by her response, or the responses on here?