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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say I won't be visiting MIL with LO?

84 replies

UghReally · 20/03/2015 17:16

I'm 11 weeks with me and oh's first.
Me and oh have been together for 3 going on 4 years(4 years next month).
When me and OH first met, Oh was still living at home so he had me stay there one weekend while mil wasn't there. MIL came home on the last day (I was there with MIL for 4 hours so not crazy long) all seemed well and we had a little laugh and joke. I went home and got a text off OH saying "I've got some bad news" i asked what and was told "Mum doesn't want you here again. You left a cup on the side and didn't bleach the toilet after using it, she thinks you've disrespected her home and she started on me the second she knew you were gone" OH accepted this was completely unreasonable. I never went there again and OH moved out 6 weeks after that incident. He still sees his mother but i never go there, I've seen her since at family gatherings and the like. the last time I saw her about 4 months ago was at a darts event that my OH was playing at. I walked to the bar where she was and said "hiya" 5 times, each time she looked at me then looked away so she heard me but just didn't reply.
She point blank refuses to ever talk to me at these events despite how many times I've gone and sat next to her, bought her a drink, said hi etc etc etc. I've given up trying now seeing as i have every few months(at least) in the last 3 years. OH told MIL this morning that i'm pregnant. She's decided she wants me to bring the baby up to see her every week at least once a week, she wants either me or oh to bring the baby to her house within 24hrs of being born OR for her to be at the hospital (fuck no).
I know i'm not being unreasonable about saying no to the above request i dont have a car, oh does but sometimes works away and does work mon-sat/sun so the car wont be available, she lives 55 miles away and im not doing public transport straight after birth, or at all with a young baby tbh.
This is the aibu.
I don't want to be going there, at all, with LO after how MIL has treated me and seeing how she treated sil when sil had her baby (Mils only gc at present) sil being oh's brothers long term partner.
She has treated me like what a dog wouldn't lick because nearly 4 years ago I had a wee, didn't bleach the bog (Does anyone after a wee?!) and left a (Clean!) cup on the kitchen side!
I refuse to go somewhere where I feel hostility toward myself and I refuse to let my baby go nearly 60 miles away from me on a weekly basis to keep such a cruel woman happy(especially if im breastfeeding etc) i also do not want this woman in my home, as she never has been. She's constantly pushed me away no matter how many times i've tried to make amends (when in my mind i did nothing wrong) and now that im pregnant shes attempting to push me around like she did SIL (And SIL, with a now 4 month old lo is still suffering this)
AIBU to say fuck off you're having nothing to do with my LO?

OP posts:
dollius · 20/03/2015 17:19

YANBU

RandomMess · 20/03/2015 17:20

YANBU but you need to sort this out pronto between you and DP.

ChickyEgg · 20/03/2015 17:21

YANBU and I hope your OH supports you in this. She sounds awful.

whatlifestylechoice · 20/03/2015 17:21

Possibly don't say fuck off, but you would definitely not BU to say no.

basgetti · 20/03/2015 17:22

YANBU

Original poster
UghReally · 20/03/2015 17:23

I'd rephrase of course im not that bad guys!
OH has barely spoken about it other than to say shes ridiculous, he went to work straight after though so not had a chance to talk about it

OP posts:
lem73 · 20/03/2015 17:24

Omg is anyone that awful in real life?! You have a very simple answer:"I have been told I am not welcome in your house so I can't possibly bring the baby." A baby that small shouldn't make such a long journey either. You owe this woman nothing. Tbh the real problem is that your partner has allowed this to go on for so long. Don't allow him to take the baby without you either. That will perpetuate the problem. If she wants a relationship with her gc she has to form a relationship with you too. Make that clear from now.

BitchPeas · 20/03/2015 17:24

Yanbu don't give in she sounds awful. I can't believe your DP hasn't made a stand on your behalf before now tbh. I would not let my mother treat anyone that way.

yomellamoHelly · 20/03/2015 17:25

Nope. OH can still meet her as before etc...... You may take pity on her and meet in a neutral place on your terms at your convenience if she's desperate to make amends once you've got used to your baby, but she needs to do the running.

LittleBairn · 20/03/2015 17:26

YANBU she burnt her own bridge so tough luck to her. I wouldn't want my DC around anyone that clearly disliked me so intensely.

Bunbaker · 20/03/2015 17:26

It sounds like this dreadful woman has issues with both of her sons' partners.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. In fact, you have bent over backwards to be reasonable towards this hostile woman.

strawberryshoes · 20/03/2015 17:26

YANBU and your OH needs to make it clear to his DM what will and wont be happening.

Hobby2014 · 20/03/2015 17:26

YANBU!

Sugarfreeriot · 20/03/2015 17:28

Just came here to say YADNBU and to save this thread for next time I think I've got mother in law from hell.

flanjabelle · 20/03/2015 17:28

Yanbu at all. How does your oh feel?

flanjabelle · 20/03/2015 17:28

Sorry x post

ems1910 · 20/03/2015 17:28

Yanbu. It sounds like you are on the same page but you still need to discuss with dh.

EbwyIsUpTheDuff · 20/03/2015 17:28

you'd have to be some kind of idiot to allow this!

Hell no! she can either learn to get over it and be at least polite to you or not meet your child.

SwirlyThingAlert · 20/03/2015 17:28

You have a very simple answer:"I have been told I am not welcome in your house so I can't possibly bring the baby.

This! She sounds unhinged. Leaving a cup on the side and not bleaching her toilet after use warrants in being told never to come to the house again and blanking you every time she sees you?! Confused
Nooooo chance would I be going there with baby. Her problem, that's what she told you to do!

SquinkiesRule · 20/03/2015 17:29

She hasn't even tried to be friendly or accepted any of your attempts at being polite. She can fuck right off in my book.
It's now up to her to try and be polite and friendly see how far that gets her.

Original poster
UghReally · 20/03/2015 17:29

bitchpeas(and everyone else) oh has tried so many times but it results in explosive arguments where the whole family gets involved (some are twats like mil) and it creates bad feeling for weeks and months so i just told oh to leave it as i was being blamed for causing sh!t. he doesnt meet her as such but shes always at his dart events and family get togethers. he hasn't specifically gone to see her at all, hes been to her house once since leaving and that was to help bil move out.

OP posts:
cleanmyhouse · 20/03/2015 17:30

Not even a tiny bit unreasonable.

What yomellamoHelly said. If she wants a relationship with the gc, she needs to do all of the work to repair things, and that isn't going to happen overnight.

Based on what you said about her though, that's proabably not going to happen at all.

dollius · 20/03/2015 17:32

Well it sounds as if your OH is on board then and you won't be expected to see her?

lemonyone · 20/03/2015 17:34

YADNBU.
She sounds a real peach.

SugarOnTop · 20/03/2015 17:34

she sounds awful! i wouldn't be letting my baby anywhere near her...at a push i might allow her to visit at my own home at a time and duration that's convenient for me. Then at least you can pull her up on her disgusting attitude when she behaves like that. i wouldn't let my dp take my baby up for visits either whilst she is like this.

why hasn't your dp had a conversation with her about her behaviour? he needs to deal with this -otherwise she will continue throwing her weight around like she already is re the visits. your dp may be used to this behaviour and therefore tolerate it but you don't have to and neither do you have to expose your baby to such toxicity.