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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say I won't be visiting MIL with LO?

84 replies

UghReally · 20/03/2015 17:16

I'm 11 weeks with me and oh's first.
Me and oh have been together for 3 going on 4 years(4 years next month).
When me and OH first met, Oh was still living at home so he had me stay there one weekend while mil wasn't there. MIL came home on the last day (I was there with MIL for 4 hours so not crazy long) all seemed well and we had a little laugh and joke. I went home and got a text off OH saying "I've got some bad news" i asked what and was told "Mum doesn't want you here again. You left a cup on the side and didn't bleach the toilet after using it, she thinks you've disrespected her home and she started on me the second she knew you were gone" OH accepted this was completely unreasonable. I never went there again and OH moved out 6 weeks after that incident. He still sees his mother but i never go there, I've seen her since at family gatherings and the like. the last time I saw her about 4 months ago was at a darts event that my OH was playing at. I walked to the bar where she was and said "hiya" 5 times, each time she looked at me then looked away so she heard me but just didn't reply.
She point blank refuses to ever talk to me at these events despite how many times I've gone and sat next to her, bought her a drink, said hi etc etc etc. I've given up trying now seeing as i have every few months(at least) in the last 3 years. OH told MIL this morning that i'm pregnant. She's decided she wants me to bring the baby up to see her every week at least once a week, she wants either me or oh to bring the baby to her house within 24hrs of being born OR for her to be at the hospital (fuck no).
I know i'm not being unreasonable about saying no to the above request i dont have a car, oh does but sometimes works away and does work mon-sat/sun so the car wont be available, she lives 55 miles away and im not doing public transport straight after birth, or at all with a young baby tbh.
This is the aibu.
I don't want to be going there, at all, with LO after how MIL has treated me and seeing how she treated sil when sil had her baby (Mils only gc at present) sil being oh's brothers long term partner.
She has treated me like what a dog wouldn't lick because nearly 4 years ago I had a wee, didn't bleach the bog (Does anyone after a wee?!) and left a (Clean!) cup on the kitchen side!
I refuse to go somewhere where I feel hostility toward myself and I refuse to let my baby go nearly 60 miles away from me on a weekly basis to keep such a cruel woman happy(especially if im breastfeeding etc) i also do not want this woman in my home, as she never has been. She's constantly pushed me away no matter how many times i've tried to make amends (when in my mind i did nothing wrong) and now that im pregnant shes attempting to push me around like she did SIL (And SIL, with a now 4 month old lo is still suffering this)
AIBU to say fuck off you're having nothing to do with my LO?

OP posts:
DakotaFanny · 20/03/2015 17:35
Shock

Unbefuckinglievable!

YANBU

Original poster
UghReally · 20/03/2015 17:35

I know dollius but I'm worried he will counter it with a less frequent schedule (i.e once every 2 weeks) to try to keep the peace as he will back down when it comes to mil if she causes enough trouble. Also wanted to find out if i would be unreasonable to impose a full ban on her seeing lo

OP posts:
LittleBairn · 20/03/2015 17:35

uhg you can swear freely on mumsnet.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/03/2015 17:36

The only correct response to this is, "ahahahahahaha, oh, you weren't serious, were you? Ahahahahaha" And walk away.

At least your OH is on board.

Original poster
UghReally · 20/03/2015 17:37

MTP you've just made my day

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacles · 20/03/2015 17:37

Hell no. She made herself quite clear and more fool her. Stupid woman.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/03/2015 17:38
Flowers
RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 20/03/2015 17:38

She's decided she wants me to bring the baby up to see her every week at least once a week

Fuck no

she wants either me or oh to bring the baby to her house within 24hrs of being born

Fuck no

OR for her to be at the hospital

Fuck no

So she doesn't like you, doesn't speak to you, won't have you in her house, and now you're having a baby she expects the child to be presented to her like something out of the Lion King.

Fuck no

She reaps what she sows. YANBU.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/03/2015 17:39

she expects the child to be presented to her like something out of the Lion King. Grin

KissyBoo · 20/03/2015 17:40

I would tell her to go fuck herself.

She is a bitch and you don't want your child anywhere near this toxic nut job.

Job done.

AlternativeTentacles · 20/03/2015 17:40

I'd wait until the baby had an explosive poo day and then take her/him and unfortunately have a poo situation occur all over her best towels. Whoops.

Original poster
UghReally · 20/03/2015 17:41

thank you everyone.
i really love MN Star

OP posts:
Theycallmemellowjello · 20/03/2015 17:41

Yan at all bu and she sounds awful and cray cray as others have said. But I reckon you need to talk to dh about future strategy. It sounds like he is not wanting to go nc so your lo is going to have some kind of relationship with this woman. I guess you're going to have to think about how that is going to work in future - you might not want him/her to be around mil without you there too for example. But yeah in any case obviously weekly visits are not on! She might just be asking for that so that you refuse and she gets to renew her weird feud. Personally I'd not be alone with her ever - your dh should be dealing with her, not you. Good luck and Flowers

KissyBoo · 20/03/2015 17:42

YADNBU- have no relationship with her and make it crystal clear why.

EponasWildDaughter · 20/03/2015 17:43

...as he will back down when it comes to mil if she causes enough trouble.

this is what you need to sort out OP. Majorly.

If you had DP behind you 100% you wouldn't have any worries.

As for the rest, I don't think you should ban your DC from ever seeing their gran. However, her demands on frequency of visits in the next few years, and intruding on your time in the first days after birth can simply be ignored. Your DP can visit her with DC when it suits you ALL.

If your DP was totally on board this would be easy peasy.

turningvioletviolet · 20/03/2015 17:46

You know, i never believe that things are as cut and dried as this. No one seriously acts like this because of one wee 4 years ago. There must (and I'm sure MIL does have) another side to this story. Not saying she's not the vilest vile person that ever existed, maybe she is, but i have never met people who behave like this IRL.

Original poster
UghReally · 20/03/2015 17:49

TVV- I think the same, i think maybe she found out something she doesnt like about me or thinks theres something wrong with me but i cant figure anything out that i could've ever done in all my life to make her feel the way she so obviously does toward me

OP posts:
FluffyPingPong · 20/03/2015 17:51

Have you tried asking if there's something more to her ignoring you? Because I struggle to believe that is the entire reason to treat someone in such a way for so long!
But if it is then I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. She had ample opportunity to be part of your life but clearly doesn't want to be. If I were in your shoes I would tell her straight! She's made her bed, time to lay in it!!!

MaryWestmacott · 20/03/2015 17:52

YANBU - she doesn't have a relationship with you, so she doesn't get to be someone you make effort with.

LittleBairn · 20/03/2015 17:53

turning I have, genetic relations of mine unfortunately. They always act like this with their kids new partners because someone else in their kids lives threaten their hold over them.

One relative has just tried to split her daughter and partner up by lying that he's a secret junkie and is having loads of affairs it is complete and utter bullshit.
They have just had a baby her daughter is deliriously happy hence she needs crush her and take away all her support.
Thankfully her daughter has wised up and told her to never contact her again.

Original poster
UghReally · 20/03/2015 17:53

fluffypingpong, oh has tried several times but gets no answer other than "she disrespects my home" no point me asking seeing as she never talks to me

OP posts:
Phoenixashes · 20/03/2015 17:55

She sounds horrid.

You sound lovely. You have even been polite when she has been down right rude!

So she has just found out you are pregnant and is already trying to dictate how/when she sees your LO and how soon after birth she meets them.

Let's just imagine what it would be like if you agreed to these demands. she most probably would continue to treat you like shit probably call herself mummy, manipulate the situation if you disagreed with her continue to stir to the rest of Dp's family about you and you would be put in a situation that will make you unhappy.

Personally, I would decline this demand and ignore any enablers that will probably try to guilt trip you both into agreeing with it. You have distance on your side here, you can put caller id on the phone and have an email account that is only to be used for 'her' so that you can empty any snide, nasty emails straight into trash.

I would also tell your DP that no one will be told anything until re: labour until after the baby is born so she can't turn up whilst you are in labour and tell him that if she wants to have a relationship with her GC she had best begin to behave stop being an entitled bitch.

ILovePud · 20/03/2015 17:55

Heck no YANBU. I very much doubt that she found out something she doesn't like about you apart from that you are the woman her DS has chosen to be with and she has some kind of massive issues and insecurities about accepting that he can care about another woman. I would not visit her at all she has behaved appallingly.

FluffyPingPong · 20/03/2015 17:56

Well in that case OP you are definitely not bu!
Loving the suggestion from MrsTerry Grin

MaryWestmacott · 20/03/2015 17:58

If it was just you, then I'd think there was something else that your DP was keeping from you that you'd done to upset her or something about you she took umbridge to, but as she's behaved the same way to her other DS's partner, I think it's less likely to be you or anything about you. Has your DP had girlfriends in the past she met but treated like this?