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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say I won't be visiting MIL with LO?

84 replies

UghReally · 20/03/2015 17:16

I'm 11 weeks with me and oh's first.
Me and oh have been together for 3 going on 4 years(4 years next month).
When me and OH first met, Oh was still living at home so he had me stay there one weekend while mil wasn't there. MIL came home on the last day (I was there with MIL for 4 hours so not crazy long) all seemed well and we had a little laugh and joke. I went home and got a text off OH saying "I've got some bad news" i asked what and was told "Mum doesn't want you here again. You left a cup on the side and didn't bleach the toilet after using it, she thinks you've disrespected her home and she started on me the second she knew you were gone" OH accepted this was completely unreasonable. I never went there again and OH moved out 6 weeks after that incident. He still sees his mother but i never go there, I've seen her since at family gatherings and the like. the last time I saw her about 4 months ago was at a darts event that my OH was playing at. I walked to the bar where she was and said "hiya" 5 times, each time she looked at me then looked away so she heard me but just didn't reply.
She point blank refuses to ever talk to me at these events despite how many times I've gone and sat next to her, bought her a drink, said hi etc etc etc. I've given up trying now seeing as i have every few months(at least) in the last 3 years. OH told MIL this morning that i'm pregnant. She's decided she wants me to bring the baby up to see her every week at least once a week, she wants either me or oh to bring the baby to her house within 24hrs of being born OR for her to be at the hospital (fuck no).
I know i'm not being unreasonable about saying no to the above request i dont have a car, oh does but sometimes works away and does work mon-sat/sun so the car wont be available, she lives 55 miles away and im not doing public transport straight after birth, or at all with a young baby tbh.
This is the aibu.
I don't want to be going there, at all, with LO after how MIL has treated me and seeing how she treated sil when sil had her baby (Mils only gc at present) sil being oh's brothers long term partner.
She has treated me like what a dog wouldn't lick because nearly 4 years ago I had a wee, didn't bleach the bog (Does anyone after a wee?!) and left a (Clean!) cup on the kitchen side!
I refuse to go somewhere where I feel hostility toward myself and I refuse to let my baby go nearly 60 miles away from me on a weekly basis to keep such a cruel woman happy(especially if im breastfeeding etc) i also do not want this woman in my home, as she never has been. She's constantly pushed me away no matter how many times i've tried to make amends (when in my mind i did nothing wrong) and now that im pregnant shes attempting to push me around like she did SIL (And SIL, with a now 4 month old lo is still suffering this)
AIBU to say fuck off you're having nothing to do with my LO?

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 20/03/2015 18:01

Get him to tell her your due date was wrong and you're not due till 6 weeks after you've said. Give yourself some breathing room.

If you are bfing it's the perfect excuse not to let the baby visit with your dp.

She reaps what she sows.

DownAtFraggleRock · 20/03/2015 18:01

what you've done 'wrong' OP is take her little price away Grin

bollocks to her. She's mad her bed....

DownAtFraggleRock · 20/03/2015 18:02

She's made...

...or a Freudian slip, maybe Grin

SugarOnTop · 20/03/2015 18:03

There must (and I'm sure MIL does have) another side to this story

yea....op 'stole' her son from her Hmm it's 'because' of op that her son finally cut the apron strings and flew the nest.....it's op's fault that mil no longer occupies Number 1 spot in his life Hmm

sounds to me like those are the kind of issues mil has going on!

Carrierpenguin · 20/03/2015 18:04

Yanbu. Don't visit her unless she apologises sincerely. Even then, you shouldn't be pressured to see her. I agree with pp, breastfeeding is a great excuse to stay at home and not let her force dp to bring baby to her.

PatrickStarisabadbellend · 20/03/2015 18:05

If that was my mil she wouldn't be getting anywhere near my baby.

Floundering · 20/03/2015 18:10

Great advice above I also suggest you & SIL get together & back each other up, do you get on? What is BIL like about it all?

If the 4 of you are united in keeping your distance then it will be easier & the kids will grow up together which will minimise Gm's interference.

xiaozhu · 20/03/2015 18:12

Yaddddddddddddnbu Shock

Original poster
UghReally · 20/03/2015 18:13

I can't really comment on ex partners etc as most of them never met his mum and if they did only in passing (i.e out shopping or whatever) but I know she treats SIL like she does me.
SIL and BIL have been together for 7 years, since they were about 17/18 sil was bils first "proper" girlfriend. MIL took an instant dislike to SIL and after 3/4 visits banned sil from the house. BIL turned 18, moved out. this was within a few months of SIL being banned (he saw it as mil trying to control who he could and couldn't date which he felt unfair as an adult so left). MIL is forever bitching about SIL. BIL maintains a certain level of involvement and visits mil weekly with their LO, 90 percent of the time SIL doesn't go (only goes when LO is refusing a bottle or ill). When she doesnt mil complains that sil is "constantly texting" bil (wouldnt you if your very young dd was 30 odd miles from you?!). calls sil controlling etc. Mil threw an enormous strop when SIL's LO was first born (just days old) as sil's mum had already met LO twice (because sil was unable to drive upon leaving hospital after birth and bil didn't have his license at the time and then to help her clean up the house) leading to a huge family row, MIL then saw the baby for the first time at just 7 days old and proceeded to call sil lazy for being unable to clean the oven O.o i feel for my sil, we go for coffees sometimes and she is absolutely lovely, I just dont envy her current situation. OH has two brothers, one older(mentioned above) and one younger who moved out 6 months ago at 17. no need to guess why.....

OP posts:
Bunbaker · 20/03/2015 18:16

Ditto the idea of changing the due date. You will have plenty of time afterwards to announce the arrival of baby UghReally without feeling backed into a corner.

Nobody needs to know when you have gone into labour. Unless you need childcare I don't understand why anyone would broadcast that they are in labour anyway.

Original poster
UghReally · 20/03/2015 18:18

I dont know either. this is our first, no childcare needed!!

OP posts:
diddl · 20/03/2015 18:21

I think that you shpuld have nothing whatever to do with her ever again.

Will your husband want to take your baby?

"90 percent of the time SIL doesn't go (only goes when LO is refusing a bottle or ill)"

Why on earth doesn't she keep her LO at home & let BIL visit alone??

GingerLDN · 20/03/2015 18:24

She sounds like an utter bitch. And I completely understand about MILs from Hell. But I don't know that I could stop my husband from taking our child to see her if that's what he wanted (On the grounds that if she said anything bad about me in front of the child they would never return, among other ground rules) As vile as she may be, she is your husbands mother, and if he doesn't want to go NC then I would let him take the baby once in a while and see how it goes. Just my opinion but I really do feel for you here!!

Cameochick11 · 20/03/2015 18:25

Don't let this spoil your pregnancy - try to enjoy it. And I hope this doesn't cause difficulties between you and your OH, especially as his bro has set a precedent by visiting with his LO.

And massive congrats! Xx

ChestyNut · 20/03/2015 18:25

I'd tell her to fuck right off!

DakotaFanny · 20/03/2015 18:34

Can she not 'see' herself? She's driven away three kids and stands to miss out on grandchildren too...what a fool!

DakotaFanny · 20/03/2015 18:35

(i'd feel sorry for her if she wasn't such a bitch)

reallywittyname · 20/03/2015 18:38

YANBU

Don't tell her the real due date. Don't tell her when you're in labour. Don't agree to any of her demands. And make sure she knows why. Something along the lines of "You made it quite clear that I am not welcome in your house, or your life. It would be logical to assume, therefore, that any child of mine would also be unwelcome. Your past treatment of me and rebuffs of friendliness on my part have been so hurtful that I am now completely unwilling to meet your sudden demands on me and my child when you have effectively ignored me for the past four years."

Perhaps you could put it in a "Congratulations you're a grandma" card Grin

DoJo · 20/03/2015 18:44

You are so clearly NBU about the whole thing with this demented woman, but why on earth is your OH event telling you about her 'demands' except in a kind of 'you'll never guess what she has said, clearly nothing even remotely close to this is ever going to happen' way?
The fact that you said 'I'm worried he will counter it with a less frequent schedule' is a concern - he needs to make it absolutely clear that this is not happening, that nothing even close to this is happening, and that if the two of you allow her to see your child at all it will be an act of supreme grace and generosity on your part after the way she has treated you. This MUST be sorted before the baby is born. You don't have to TELL her that this is the case, but you do need him to be absolutely committed to it, because is this all kicks off when you have just given birth and he starts changing the goalposts or wanting to go along with her demands, then you are in for an emotional, over-tired shitstorm which could be disastrous.

Notrevealingmyidentity · 20/03/2015 18:44

I would tell her - in these exact words to fuck right off.

YellowTulips · 20/03/2015 18:48

You reap what you sow.....

She is no position to demand anything.

Your biggest challenge is going to be to get OH onside as you both need to be united in your response to her.

In view of how's she's treated you my take would be she gets no contact at all until she apologies for the last 4 years and even then it's limited to short periods of time at your convenience. Any repeat of bad behaviour and you go no contact at all.

redcaryellowcar · 20/03/2015 18:52

Yanbu (as you already know) you need to discuss tell with dh and agree this is totally unreasonable and importantly unrealistic and then he needs to tell his mum.

Phoenixashes · 20/03/2015 19:07

I think I agree with others and after what you have written about his brothers partners.

She just cannot bare not being number one in their eyes and it didn't matter who/what you are like she never would have liked you.

Let her behave like this.

She will lose out in the end.

TheCraicDealer · 20/03/2015 19:07

I'd second telling her the wrong date as well- you do not want her rolling up at the hospital. Sounds like she has more big issues than a vagrant on Oxford Street.

I'm surprised we've got this far in the story without any mention of facebook to be honest. Usually crops up with Controlling Family situations. That might be an idea OP- if you're going to be generous with your dates have a look at your privacy settings!

soontobemumofthree · 20/03/2015 19:12

YANBU. It would be OK to say no to that demanding visiting schedule if you were the best of friends, but she sounds awful.
I'm not saying she never meets the LO but I dont think a fortnightly visiting schedule is even worth considering. From the start she needs to appologise for her behaviour and agree to be civil. With this I still wouldnt consider her visiting/you going for the first 6 weeks. Thats a reasonable amount of time to have recovered. I'm not exagerating, I'm serious. She can see a photograph and sent LO a present.

Unfortunately I think she will probably criticise you whatever you do and that isnt your fault.

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