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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want an evening do at our wedding?

123 replies

pinningwobble · 19/03/2015 22:15

finding wedding planning a minefield that I (perhaps naively) did not think it would be. latest drama is DH to be and me don't want an evening reception.
reasons:

  1. our budget is relatively small - we could stretch to £5000 max
  2. I have a health condition that means I can't stay awake very late - I'm usually knackered by 10.
  3. DH to be has been married before and has already had a big fancy party-wedding, so isn't bothered about having another one
  4. neither of us are really party people...i don't drink due to health issues and I find it difficult being around massive groups of people for long periods of time.

My perfect wedding would be a ceremony at about 11, followed by an afternoon meal/afternoon tea. However everyone I have spoken to expresses shock that I would even consider not having an evening do and has says it will be really boring without one. DSIL says the only reason people attend weddings is for the big party. AIBU in not wanting one?

OP posts:
swooneramamama · 19/03/2015 23:31

Oh wow that sounds just gorgeous Mildred. op, do what you want and stop allowing them to have an opinion by opening it up for discussion. I wish I had done what your doing and what Mildred did- I had 180 peopke at the evening do, had been going since 7am and I was absolutely knackered. didn't really enjoy iT tbh. And spent a shed load of money. Have an amazing day and congratulations Flowers

textfan · 19/03/2015 23:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Horsemad · 19/03/2015 23:52

We got married at 11am, had photos and a lovely relaxed lunch for 11 guests inc us!
It was getting dark by 4pm (winter wedding) which was lovely as it naturally drew the day to a close.
We decided against a night do but had a gathering at MIL's with a few friends.
Was a perfect day. Smile

Have what you and your DHtobe want and ignore everyone else!!

CaptainHolt · 19/03/2015 23:59

I didn't have one but I know that some lots of the 'young people' went out drinking after DH and I went back to our hotel. I think all the aunties etc went home. We had around 300 guests and not one of them said anything about lack of evening do to our faces. Even without the evening do it was a long and tiring day that I wouldn't want to repeat.

Dowser · 20/03/2015 00:01

Left for honeymoon at 5 for first wedding and this time around getting married at 7 pm and then on to a restaurant.

Forgot to say we are getting married abroad.

Not a lover of evening dos . Too noisy when they have a DJ.

Pixel · 20/03/2015 00:14

We had the wedding with just close family then a buffet lunch in the pub for any friends who fancied popping in (it was our pub Grin), a few photos in the garden then off we went for a couple of nights away. For all I know the party carried on without us, I've never asked!

AlpacaMyBags · 20/03/2015 00:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

memememum · 20/03/2015 00:49

Yanbu. I was so pleased that I persuaded my dh that we should leave for our hotel at 9.30pm. It meant that we had a couple of hours just the 2 of us, not feeling too tired on our special day. A few guests had squeezed into our flat after our reception and we left them there with my parents keeping the key to lock up.

BadLad · 20/03/2015 03:44

As a guest, the only thing I'd enjoy about a wedding would be the evening piss up. So I sort of agree with your DSiL; however, I also think it's the couple's day, so I'd keep it to myself and pretend to look forward to it, unless asked to be frank during the planning stages.

Kraggle · 20/03/2015 05:16

I didn't have an evening do. Relatively small wedding, less than 30 altogether. 10.15 ceremony at the registry office, photos then onto the hotel. drinks and more photos then lunch in the small hotel restaurant (we had exclusive use.) then everyone milled about and talked, we did cake and presents and everyone went home around 5pm. Dh and I were staying at the hotel so we went upstairs to get changed, open our wedding gifts etc, then we met up with 4 of our friends and went for tea in the pub across from the hotel and a few drinks.

Everyone who went said how much they enjoyed it. I don't think anyone felt short changed because they had to sit around until 10pm listening to crappy music and eating a dodgy buffet.

It's yours and your dh to be's day, you do it exactly how you want it, not for anyone else.

Minisoksmakehardwork · 20/03/2015 05:19

Yanbu. We didn't have an evening do for our wedding. We got married at 11am at the registry office, popped to the hotel next door for tea/coffee and sandwiches. Then dh and I dropped our dc at my parents and went home to get ready for a (already booked way before our wedding!) night out. It was bloody brilliant. So much less pressure.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 20/03/2015 05:24

I have been to 2 weddings that didn't have an evening do and tbh I felt a bit "oh, was that it?" afterwards. Sometimes (and in the case of both of these weddings) guests are meeting up who haven't seen each other for some time, and it's an excuse to catch up with old friends/ family - but not having the evening do kind of stops that from happening to an extent.

Of course it's entirely up to you but I can see why people are, shall we say, disappointed.

GERTI · 20/03/2015 06:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sugarfreeriot · 20/03/2015 06:53

Do what you want it's YOUR wedding.
People can be so narrow minded & selfish. Screw the lot of em.

Charlie97 · 20/03/2015 06:53

Sounds lovely, enjoy every minute ThanksThanks

Sugarfreeriot · 20/03/2015 06:55

I got pressured into a Big wedding by my in laws who begged and pleaded and promised to help out financially. Let's just say the 1k they have us didn't go far. Don't waste your money, your planned day sounds perfect.

DakotaFanny · 20/03/2015 07:02

Sounds great. Sophisticated and serene. I'm in! X

It's your day- do 100% what you and the mister want. Your SIL can throw her own party (I won't go to that one!) x

CPtart · 20/03/2015 07:05

We had the same 50 guests the whole day with no evening do as such, just a bar after the meal. No extras turning up. No first dance. No Buffett .No bridesmaids. Money saved bought me a big diamond and a honeymoon in the Maldives.
It was great.

diddl · 20/03/2015 07:07

We didn't have one either.

Married about 11am, meal about 1.30, finished about 6pm.

People who hadn't seen each other for a while & wanted to catch up after could do so at their own expense in a pub afterwards!!

tobysmum77 · 20/03/2015 07:07

I didn't have an evening do so yanbu. Personally I hate bring invited in the evening only, you arrive as others are starting to leave.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 20/03/2015 07:07

I did go to one other wedding without an "evening do" but it didn't have the same impact as the other 2 because it was later in the day, around 3 pm, I think. The wedding meal was 20 people in a very nice restaurant, and went on for quite a while, so felt like all the socialising part was done as much as it could be.

Kundry · 20/03/2015 07:10

Small wedding in a hotel. Married mid-day, v quick photos so people didn't get bored, lunch.

Made it clear that we would be leaving at 4 to go on our honeymoon.

Most people were either travelling long distances or had small kids and were delighted they didn't have to hang around for an evening do.

'Weddings are so boring' was mentioned several times.

WhyNotSmile · 20/03/2015 07:14

We had a church service at midday followed by lunch in the church hall, and were home with our feet up, tea/coffee in hand, by 4pm. It was great! Lots of our friends have small-ish children, so they were able to bring them along (we put a few children's tables in the hall with games and toys on them, to occupy those that wanted). We had also invited a few elderly people who wouldn't have wanted to be out late (lack of transport etc) and wouldn't have enjoyed a noisy evening do anyway. I have anxiety and wouldn't have lasted much longer, and DH was married before and had done the whole "big do" thing.

We really enjoyed it, and lots of people have since commented on what a great day it was.

My parents wanted an evening do, though, so they took both families our for dinner (while DH and I stayed happily at home!). Bit odd, but never mind!!

cupcakesandapples · 20/03/2015 07:28

If i could do it again i wouldnt have an evening do! Loads of people had nagged us for invites so we paid for a huge buffet and the same people didnt turn up. It had fizzled right out by 11pm and i took dd to bed!

It was such a long day and i was exhausted (as was dd) and desperate to get out of my dress. Just feel like we forked out £1000s for guests who either didn't turn up or ended up tailing off back to hotel rooms. Although a lot of my guests had children there so i can't fault them for that (i ended up carrying my sleeping toddler around fkr a few hours)

Whocansay · 20/03/2015 07:34

As long as you aren't making people travel huge distances, I think this is fine. Make sure people know though.

I travelled to this kind of wedding years ago and had paid for accommodation, etc. No one was told that there would be no do in the evening. It seemed to stop rather abruptly and everyone was a bit surprised. Not a massive deal, but it would have been nice to know as I could have driven home again, rather than paying for a hotel.

It's your wedding. Do what you want. It's a very personal thing.

Congratulations! Flowers