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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want an evening do at our wedding?

123 replies

pinningwobble · 19/03/2015 22:15

finding wedding planning a minefield that I (perhaps naively) did not think it would be. latest drama is DH to be and me don't want an evening reception.
reasons:

  1. our budget is relatively small - we could stretch to £5000 max
  2. I have a health condition that means I can't stay awake very late - I'm usually knackered by 10.
  3. DH to be has been married before and has already had a big fancy party-wedding, so isn't bothered about having another one
  4. neither of us are really party people...i don't drink due to health issues and I find it difficult being around massive groups of people for long periods of time.

My perfect wedding would be a ceremony at about 11, followed by an afternoon meal/afternoon tea. However everyone I have spoken to expresses shock that I would even consider not having an evening do and has says it will be really boring without one. DSIL says the only reason people attend weddings is for the big party. AIBU in not wanting one?

OP posts:
ShootPeppaPig · 19/03/2015 22:42

YANBU - do what you want. We had an early wedding and reception in a restaurant with no evening do - was brilliant, we had a relaxed hotel stay rather than rolling into bed late and drunk, the guests children didn't feel obliged to hire babysitters or stay late and the guests who wanted to make an evening of it were able to go spend their own money doing so in pubs and clubs close to the restaurant as we chose a vibrant swanky area.

Suttonmum1 · 19/03/2015 22:42

Yanbu, that's exactly the wedding we had. We had a small lunch, then people went to another room to chat etc and we served tea and wedding cake before they saw us off in the wedding car.
If you keep it small and want to save money try having it on a Friday.

We did have evening drinks in a bar for friends, work colleagues etc, some time before the actual wedding if I remember rightly.

PigeonPie · 19/03/2015 22:43

We didn't have an evening do either (22 years ago tomorrow!), our service was at 12, then on to the reception (all where I grew up where my parents live) and then DH and I trundled home and my parents had a party at home!

Then a few weeks afterwards we had a lunchtime party where we lived with all our friends, some of whom had come to the wedding and some of whom didn't.

We didn't feel the need for the evening do. Do what you want to do :-)

Pico2 · 19/03/2015 22:43

We didn't have an evening do. Neither of us is interested in dancing, I don't like two tier wedding invitations and I didn't want people to have to pay for a hotel.

We got married at 12 and then had canapés and drinks and lunch. Some venues wouldn't let us do that, but we found a great venue where we could have what we wanted.

I'd be appreciative of an invitation to a wedding that didnt have an evening do. It seems rathe civilised to me.

avocadotoast · 19/03/2015 22:43

Do it do it do it. Everyone else can go whistle Grin

We had a sort-of unconventional wedding (really relaxed, did follow the ceremony-meal-evening do format, but didn't stick to much else). Everyone said what a great time they had.

It's your day and weddings are a pain in the arse to plan. Do what makes you happy!

Cavort · 19/03/2015 22:44

We didn't have one. We had the ceremony and a formal wedding breakfast, and then at 6pm DH and I got in our campervan and went to spend the weekend at a festival. Our guests were very welcome to join us for the weekend and I'm very pleased that half of them did come along. We all had a great weekend which was undoubtedly much better than any evening reception would have been. It's your day, you do exactly as you please and enjoy it!

owlonabike · 19/03/2015 22:44

Afternoon tea sounds lovely. If people think they'll be bored, they can stop at home and watch the telly.
You go for whatever suits you two. Wish I had.

Thymeout · 19/03/2015 22:46

When I got married in the 60's, this is what most of the weddings I went to were like.

Ceremony at 11-ish followed by buffet lunch or early afternoon and posh tea with canapes and cake. 5 hours max.

My objection to weddings nowadays is they go on so l-o-n-g. That tedious gap between the ceremony and the food while we hang around waiting for the bride and groom to have their OK-style photoshoot. And the two-tier guest list for the evening do, when my feet are killing me and I've talked to everyone I want to talk to.

It was better, too, when you had to get married where you lived, instead of the whole extended family and local friends having to travel to some 'romantic' spot in the middle of nowhere. Just makes the day so much more complicated - and expensive.

Pantsalive · 19/03/2015 22:49

As everyone else has said, just do whatever you want to pining.
Sit down and work out what are the important bits for you and don't worry about the rest.
You may have found it already but if you want to read about lots of people doing weddings their way, try Rock n Roll Bride. I got married ages ago but I still find it really interesting to see what people are doing. Lots of them are very alternative but some of them are just really simple and low key.

TheAssassinsGuild · 19/03/2015 22:50

Sounds lovely! I'd be delighted to be invited to your wedding Grin. Home at a decent hour and getting to bed on time. Come to think of it, friends of mine did exactly what you suggest, and very nice it was too!

Fozzleyplum · 19/03/2015 22:51

Another one here who didn't want an evening do. We're not party animals and found weddings that start at midday and go on 'til midnight were a bit of a drag. We were married at 12, reception next to the church, then when we left to go away, younger guests decamped to the pub and my parents had an open house with all welcome.

antumbra · 19/03/2015 22:53

Wwe got married at 11am, then lunch for 6 at a local hotel. Total budget including everything £300.

RandomMess · 19/03/2015 22:55

We had a 2.30pm wedding (allowed for naps) followed by a buffet afternoon meal and then bogged off about 5pm for our 2 night honeymoon Grin

We didn't have the party thing because ILs drink too much and don't supervise their kids and we didn't want to have to do that on our wedding day!!!

Whole thing was £2k - nearly half was the wedding rings!

fiverabbits · 19/03/2015 22:57

When I got married it was in a registry office at 11 am then to my DH's parents house for a meal. It was supposed to be an evening party but my MIL decided to go shopping at 4 pm and she was too tired for a party, so we went to our flat. Actually it was good as my DH only had 3 days off and I had 4 days. We had been moving furniture etc in for the previous 4 days before the wedding from when we rented the flat. It didn't cause any problems with us as a couple as we have been married 43 years !

DoJo · 19/03/2015 22:57

However everyone I have spoken to expresses shock that I would even consider not having an evening do and has says it will be really boring without one.

Tell them not to worry - if they are more bothered about it being boring than coming to share your happiness, then they needn't expect an invite.

Original poster
pinningwobble · 19/03/2015 22:59

I do wish our head count could be smaller (we have 60 guests, both of us have big families) as you get a better choice of nice intimate venues that way.

I am considering a Sunday wedding at the moment too as I feel people would be more accepting of no partying on a Sunday night! Plus it's half the price.

OP posts:
Pantsalive · 19/03/2015 23:04

Elope?

sosix · 19/03/2015 23:05

Sod em. If people don't like it tough. Sounds lovely. Can I come? Make it a tuesday or friday, ds at nursery.

sosix · 19/03/2015 23:07

FlowersShamrock best of luck.

Original poster
pinningwobble · 19/03/2015 23:09

Sosix thank you, I would love to have more people like you there! I could replace my very grumpy half sister with you, who last time she saw me told me I was getting 'puffy'.

OP posts:
TheFullGammon · 19/03/2015 23:10

That sounds lovely. I would give them a substantial snack around lunchtime though, as people are used to eating lunch and otherwise they'd be starving by afternoon tea time! But no,need to carry on into the evening if you don't want to.

sosix · 19/03/2015 23:12

Oh how rude! Cheeky moo. We eloped, just our two dcs now have 4 and 2 friends and their dcs. Then went for a meal, was perfect!

80sMum · 19/03/2015 23:13

The 'evening do' is a relatively modern phenomenon. It wasn't the norm when I got married in the '70s. We had the ceremony at mid-day, followed by a lunch reception in a local pub, then after the speeches my dad drove us back to my parents' house to change (every bride used to change into a 'going away outfit'), then we went back to the reception, said goodbye to everyone and drove off in our car, which everyone had decorated with 'just married' signs, balloons, tin cans, shaving foam etc while we'd been changing. And off we went, rattling down the road on our way to our honeymoon!
It never occurred to me to have a party in the evening as well; we couldn't have afforded it anyway.
You have the wedding that you want, OP. It will be lovely.

funkyfoam · 19/03/2015 23:16

I went to so many weddings that took all day and evening and were so boring. We got married at 11am had lunch at a local hotel and the whole thing was over by 5pm, Suited us both and the guests all seemed happy.

MildredDreadful · 19/03/2015 23:18

We had church wedding at 1pm, local hotel with nice garden did us fizz/canapés/sandwiches/tea/wedding cake afterwards, in their garden. V short speeches. All done by 5.30 when DH and I went off to hotel for posh dinner and to stay the night.

No evening do. No sit down meal. Perfect. All done for about £1500, including flowers, dress, food and drink.

Wouldn't change a thing. Do whatever you want to to do.