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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

aibu re dh, ILs and church

85 replies

Holden10 · 19/03/2015 10:41

DH and his parents and brother are very religious and attend church weekly. I was born into this religion but felt very open minded about my own beliefs. When I met dh, he neglected to tell me he was a church goer and I had to find out from his drunken DM one night 'he hasn't been to church with us once since he met you...' I was as although not a church goer myself I certainly have no issue with anyone else going! After a while of him going alone he asked me to go with him as a one off. Then we got engaged and he wanted to marry in this church so we 'had to go every week just until we are married'. Fast forward a year and I have got myself stuck in a cycle where we go once every two weeks, with his family. This whole process has made me realise I am completely atheist and do not want to attend church any longer. It is totally not my thing and I disbelieve the whole lot. That is a personal view though and I don't have a problem with dh going to church. Aibu to tell him I just don't want to go anymore? He is a dream and is very unlikely to be upset by this, as he knows I wasnt religious to start with. His family would really be peeved though! Possibly relevant, I am 30 weeks pg and whilst happy for baby to be baptised into this religion I certainly won't be dragging myself and a newborn baby to church week on week... I am desperate for some perspective on this. Thanks for reading!!

OP posts:

Romann · 19/03/2015 10:46

I think yanbu but you should probably be prepared to go now and then, at least for xmas/easter etc, and for him to take your child to church. It doesn't sound like that would bother you too much?

sourpotato · 19/03/2015 10:46

YANBU. I'm not religious, my DH is a Christian; he goes to church with the dc on Sundays, I stay home and have some time to myself
Tbh whether or not you go to church is none of the extended family's business.

museumum · 19/03/2015 10:48

Don't go and let your DH take the baby once he feels brave enough. It'll be a lovely hour to yourself every Sunday morning :)

capsium · 19/03/2015 10:52

Play it by ear. It doesn't sound like you are getting much out of going to this particular church - quite the opposite. You might feel differently from not going, you might not. Don't put pressure on yourself, go with how you honestly feel and see what happens.

I say this as a Christian. I do think false guilt, obligation and some churches' actions can stifle what faith a person has sometimes.

Tapwater · 19/03/2015 10:59

Of course YANBU. Your religious belief or lack of it is nothing at all to do with your DH's family! I'm a bit taken aback that an adult man still trots off to church with his parents on Sunday morning, though - is it more familial pressure than devoutness, if in the early months of your relationship he stopped attending church completely?

In your position - and having grown up in a devoutly Catholic society - I have to say that I wouldn't be happy at the prospect of a child of mine being baptised and subsequently taught to believe the tenets of a religion, though. I've seen at close quarters how damaging and infantilising that can be when its ingrained young.

sourpotato · 19/03/2015 11:07

Actually, OP, I'd say if you have a child on the way it would be beneficial for you not to attend. I feel that because my dc are being raised in a family where one parent has very deeply-held religious beliefs - which involve being committed to attending church regularly - it's important that I make my stance absolutely clear as well. Ds1 has asked me, "Mummy, why don't you go to church?" and I've been able to explain that's it's because I don't believe Jesus is the son of God, which he now understands. It's given him the knowledge from an early age that the teachings of Christianity are not universally accepted and there are other viewpoints, and I think it would be much less clear-cut in his mind if I still went to church, sang the hymns, listened to the prayers etc.

helloeverything · 19/03/2015 11:18

I can't think of anything nicer than all sunday mornings to myself for the next fifteen years or so. Don't go, make things clear to everyone before the baby is born. DH can take the baby later if he wants to.

Original poster

Holden10 · 19/03/2015 11:51

Thanks, everyone. I'm glad that I'm not being unreasonable. I thought the fact I have been going, might make it harder to stop. But as I say I have tried it and it wasn't for me. He goes with them cos he thinks it's nice, and holds a belief himself. I have no clue what happened at the start of the relationship, tbh, I think he was just having a bit too much fun with his new gf . Totally agree with the poster who said it would be wrong to confuse the child by going but not believing, and I totally agree with the poster saying occasions eg Easter I will have to go. Also love the thought of having a hour or two alone on a Sunday morn this has been very helpful, my sincerest thanks :)

OP posts:

TheClacksAreDown · 19/03/2015 11:55

When I was a child my mother attended church weekly but my father did not. When I was very small I stayed at home with my father but when I got a little bigger I went with my mother. It never struck me as odd or a problem. As far as I can tell I think my dad is agnostic but he will occasionally go to church with my mother if she wants him to eg a carol service.

Hakluyt · 19/03/2015 11:56

"and I totally agree with the poster saying occasions eg Easter I will have to go"

No you won't! Why on earth would you?

Seeline · 19/03/2015 12:01

Just a thought (and I totally accept your views, and if you don't want to go then you shouldn't have to) but
I sense that going with the family is playing a large part in this. Why do you have to go with his parents? Is the church local to you all? Is it this particular church that is not 'floating your boat'? Would you be willing to give another a go with just your DH?

Paintedpinksapphires · 19/03/2015 12:04

I go to church every Sunday and sit in a pew next to my parents. It's pretty common so I'm not sure why tapwater is taken aback.

That aside, my DH is not religious at all and doesn't attend apart from very occasionally at major festivals.

We agreed very early on how we would proceed regarding raising our children and explaining that Daddy (like many people) doesn't believe.

The children happily attend Sunday school and have no problem understanding why my DH doesn't.

They'll make their own minds up in time.

loveareadingthanks · 19/03/2015 12:36

Why would you go at all if you are an atheist?

I know a few families where one parent is religious and the other is atheist. The religious one goes and does their thing, the atheist does their thing, they don't mix it all up. The children go with the religious parent when young then make their own minds up as they get older, they either stay with the religion or drop out.

It's none of his family's business what you do or don't do or believe, so take them out of the equation.

I can see it'll be a slightly tricky conversation as you've been going so far, while you were working out what your beliefs were, but now you've decided you need to tell DH the whole truth, that you no longer believe or wish to participate. It doesn't sound as if it'll be a big shock to him, when you did go it was only really as a favour to him, not out of genuine desire to go to church. So he knew what he was getting.

LadyGregory · 19/03/2015 12:44

I'd be taken aback too to encounter an adult who went to church with his parents unless he had a new girlfriend, and who started going again when his mother brought it up with said girlfriend - I'd agree it would suggest to me that family expectations or habit, rather than his own active religious belief, was the issue.

And with Hakluyt - why, as an atheist, would you feel obliged to pay lip service to something you don't believe in just because it's Easter?

2rebecca · 19/03/2015 12:52

I don't understand why you even have to ask this question. You don't believe in god so you don't go to church to worship a god you don't believe in. Believers including your husband and his parents can do as they wish.
I agree that you never pretended to believe, he pretended church wasn't a big part of his life.
You sound overly bothered by what his parents think.

2rebecca · 19/03/2015 12:56

I also don't see why Christan festivals are any different, they are festivals for Christians. Go if you fancy a bit of tradition and pageantry, don't go if you don't.
I never think "Oh it's Easter I must go to church" and I was brought up Christian with sunday school etc. I now don't believe so only go if I want to, which is usually to accompany visiting religious relatives more as a hospitality thing than anything else or because I fancy singing some carols or harvest festival hymns.

NeedABumChange · 19/03/2015 13:21

YABU to get baby baptised and get married in church. That's a massive sham if you don't believe. Sod going to church, have a lie in, tell him your not into all the mumbo jumbo- which he already knows.

I'd be really careful about letting them indoctrinate your child when it's born as well. Lots of church kids clubs teaching the bible as fact rather than a story.

Christelle2207 · 19/03/2015 13:33

Although religious myself I couldn't bring myself to try and persuade DH to marry in a church or get DS baptised because he is firmly atheist. How could I ask him to "promise to bring up my child in the Christian faith"? Is very hypocrytical to marry or baptise your child into the religion if you yourself are atheist IMO. And believe me I would have REALLY liked to do both.

But in terms of your actual issue, I think you're being unreasonable going to Church if it doesn't mean anything to you. Encourage your DP to go, and take your child when he/she is born, and have an hour to yourself.

2rebecca · 19/03/2015 13:47

Getting married in church and the baby baptised isn't a sham if his father believes.

Sethspeaks · 19/03/2015 13:50

Totally ok in my book for you to stop going and never go again. It's not your belief. It would be inauthentic to do anything else.

PILs can think what they like! If they get funny about it, tough luck - that's their issue not yours. It's about doing what is right for you, not anyone else.

Hurr1cane · 19/03/2015 14:37

YANBU

I'm buddhist. I don't expect my partner or child to meditate. Why should you be expected to go to church?

wanttosqueezeyou · 19/03/2015 15:07

YANBU.

I go to church.

Many, people attend without their partners.

Some bring their babies and children (Dads too) for an hour while their partner stays at home.

Droflove · 19/03/2015 15:32

Meh, church is just culture to me, not a belief. So I'm atheist but go for special family days no problem. Its none of anyone's business if I believe or not, that's between me and 'God';) So my DH has a strong faith and both our families do too (both my grandfathers were clergy). I got married in the church as it is my cultural norm to do so. My children are baptised in DH's church as it was important to him. It will be handy in future as the best schools are affiliated with his church. I simply don't care if that annoys people (because I am atheist and I am happy to send my kids in order to get into a good school...again, 'God' can judge me, not you).

OP stop going, enjoy the lie in. Go when it means something to your DH (not just for the sake of each week but for special occasions) and when baby arrives, its DH's job to raise their religious side, not yours. Again, you can enjoy a much needed lie in when they go each week. You will be glad of it!

expatinscotland · 19/03/2015 15:39

YANBU.

Flissypix · 19/03/2015 16:12

YABU- If you don't want to go don't go.
I am somewhat religous and my DH is not, although he believes in something. We were married in church both dd got baptised. It is important to me that my dd are brought up with faith.(They can chose whatever they like or none once they are older.)
My DH attends church occassionally and always for 'special' occasions. He also has taken dd1 to church alone when I was working and she was preparing for 1st holy communion.
He does this because he supports my beliefs (even if he thinks differently.)
Therefore I don't think it's a bad thing for you to go occassionally in support of your DH.

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