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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu re dh, ILs and church

85 replies

Holden10 · 19/03/2015 10:41

DH and his parents and brother are very religious and attend church weekly. I was born into this religion but felt very open minded about my own beliefs. When I met dh, he neglected to tell me he was a church goer and I had to find out from his drunken DM one night 'he hasn't been to church with us once since he met you...' I was Shock as although not a church goer myself I certainly have no issue with anyone else going! After a while of him going alone he asked me to go with him as a one off. Then we got engaged and he wanted to marry in this church so we 'had to go every week just until we are married'. Fast forward a year and I have got myself stuck in a cycle where we go once every two weeks, with his family. This whole process has made me realise I am completely atheist and do not want to attend church any longer. It is totally not my thing and I disbelieve the whole lot. That is a personal view though and I don't have a problem with dh going to church. Aibu to tell him I just don't want to go anymore? He is a dream and is very unlikely to be upset by this, as he knows I wasnt religious to start with. His family would really be peeved though! Possibly relevant, I am 30 weeks pg and whilst happy for baby to be baptised into this religion I certainly won't be dragging myself and a newborn baby to church week on week... I am desperate for some perspective on this. Thanks for reading!!

OP posts:
Flissypix · 19/03/2015 16:12

Sorry YANBU!!

Original poster
Holden10 · 19/03/2015 16:25

To posters saying iabu re marrying in church, it was important to dh to marry in the faith and at the time I was happy to marry in the faith as I was open minded about my own beliefs. Similarly he would like the child to be baptised as it is important that his child has the option as he grows up. I think now that my mind is made up that I no longer possess any semblance of a belief in this religion, I can leave all the religious teaching to my dh, ensuring my child knows what I believe, and allow him to make his own mind up.

My ILs are a big part of it and appeasing them is hard as they put a lot of stock in their religion, so if I suddenly turn around and tell them I've stopped believing they might dislike me or take it as something personal. However agreeing with pps who have said it's none of their business Smile.

And to the poster who asked, yes the church is about 10 miles from home so it's like a big event every week. It would be a huge sham if I carried on going.

Thanks for all the advice everyone

OP posts:
sparkysparkysparky · 19/03/2015 16:37

My Df was a non - Christian but supported my dm's wishes for us. In fact, distinctly recall being punished by df with lines (ah the 70s) for alleged messing about in church along with db. Another family we knew, the Dad was of a different strand of Christianity and would go along to keep troup in order but not participate.
In other words, if he cares that strongly, suggest he goes himself with your dc. Or you go to help with dc because it supports him but not to participate.

hackmum · 19/03/2015 16:57

OP, you and your DH are two different people. You don't have to go to church any more than you have to vote for the same political party as he does. You certainly don't have to go just because his family wants you to.

loveareadingthanks · 19/03/2015 17:06

Can I ask those who say it shows support to go along to church. -

support how? Why do people need support at church?

I'm not trying to be facetious, I really don't get it.

Partners support each other in their careers, interests, hobbies etc. This means doing something to help them in their career, interest, hobby. I go cheer DP when he plays football some weeks as it's sort of fun really, and it makes the team feel good, I enjoy watching him running around doing stuff, even though I'm not interested in football itself. I'm not having to pretend anything I don't feel. It seems to have a purpose. But religious belief? I don't get it. How would my presence, as an atheist, make any difference to the believer? They don't need my help. It's not fun for me. I don't see what it contributes to their experience at all. It might as well be a cardboard cut out picture of me.

grannytomine · 19/03/2015 17:07

My parents were different faiths, father a strong church goer and mother not. We went to church with my father from an early age. It shouldn't be a problem As for the going for special occasions I think that is up to you. My mother did occasionally, she looked at it as something she did for her husband just like he would occasionally take her to the theatre to see a musical, he wasn't interested by did it for her.

Oh just to add my mother loved the quiet Sunday morning to herself.

Sethspeaks · 19/03/2015 17:31

Good luck with the reaction from the PIL!

Jux · 19/03/2015 19:18

Mum was a Catholic and dad was an atheist, but he was a musician and the church had a very good choir. So we all went to curch every Sunday. And even though my brothers and I went to Catholic schools, we never felt confused about mum believing one thing and dad not. It wasn't a problem at all and has made us oretty tolerant about other people's religious beliefs.

Incidentally, having a child baptised to "give them the option" later makes no sense at all. What if they want to be a Buddhist later? What option are they getting which they wouldn't have later if they weren't baptised? If your baby is not baptised and then they want to be a Xian they can be baptised then. Or are you talking about schools? That would be your option, not theirs.

I have nothing against baptism so go ahead if you want to, but do know why you're doing it. Take it seriously and mean those promises you'll be making on your child's behalf. If you can't do that, then don't do the baptism. You have to be at least that respectful of your dh's religion.

Original poster
Holden10 · 19/03/2015 19:29

He will have the option to carry on in his dads faith or change his mind and do his own thing. That's how i see it

OP posts:
treacleturkey · 19/03/2015 19:36

Please don't make your child go to church. Let them grow up and have a choice!

Tizwailor · 19/03/2015 19:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Romann · 19/03/2015 20:23

I didn't mean that you have to go at Easter btw. I don't think you have to go at all. But if you want to avoid any family traumas and you don't mind going every now and then, attending with family for festivals seems like a good compromise to me. I'm an atheist and I sometimes (like 2x per year) go to church. Especially for Christmas as I like carols. It's part of my culture whether or not I believe in God!

Paintedpinksapphires · 19/03/2015 21:45

treacle taking a child to church doesn't remove their choice.

Plenty of adults went to church as children and are perfectly capable of choosing whether or not to continue as they each adulthood.

MyHaloIsChokingMe · 19/03/2015 22:12

DH has a faith, I don't. I would never have married in a church nor had any children taken along to a church/chapel. Our DC's decided for themselves if they wanted to follow a faith or not. I had religion rammed down my throat by my parents and no way would I have done the same to them.

If you don't want to attend church then tell him and don't go. If he wants to go then fair enough but you shouldn't be expected to attend IMO.

MyHaloIsChokingMe · 19/03/2015 22:16

Painted plenty of children have no choice to attend or not, they're taken along anyway like I was and had religion forced on me. It doesn't remove their choice, it doesn't give them a choice to begin with.

Paintedpinksapphires · 20/03/2015 08:50

My Halo but as parents we make all sorts of choices for our children which they don't get to vote on.

If I don't take my children to church with me I am also removing a choice from them.

OodlesofBoodles · 20/03/2015 08:56

I wouldn't expose my children to that sort of spirit filled lunacy. You can't expect them to have enquiring, scientific minds and then expect them to 'believe' in something which doesn't stand up to the same scrutiny.

As for your husband, he believes in fairies or he's scared of his parents.

if you're going to tolerate this at least be incredibly vocal about your own lack of belief.

Mehitabel6 · 20/03/2015 09:06

I am amazed that so many people go along with so thing they don't believe in. Get married in church, get the child baptised but there is no need to go. The child will make up their own mind when older- regardless of you, DH or ILs.

Mehitabel6 · 20/03/2015 09:09

Sorry- no need to go to general services- do go to baptism.

Paintedpinksapphires · 20/03/2015 09:49

Oodles there are lots of scientists who believe in God, the two things aren't mutually exclusive...

Hakluyt · 20/03/2015 10:00

Scientists can be wrong, you know!

And actually far fewer scientists believe in God than the general population........

BackforGood · 20/03/2015 10:11

Your situation is the opposite way round from us. Dh has enjoyed years and years of lie ins / free time while ive taken the dc to church with me. We're all quite comfortable with the arrangement. I wouldnt want him to try to stop me being involved with church and i wouldnt try to make him come when its not for him. We can cope with being without each other for a coiple of hours.
when the dc have been taking the service, he's come with us to support them as he would with a concert in school or whatever.
so, YANBU to make your own choices as an adult - im more surprised youve gone for so long tbh.

Paintedpinksapphires · 20/03/2015 10:12

Hak we can all be wrong.

My point to Oodles was that it is perfectly possible to grow up to be a scientist within a religious family.

OodlesofBoodles · 20/03/2015 10:14

Not if you apply the same scientific demands to your religion.

Paintedpinksapphires · 20/03/2015 10:27

My primary school aged children aren't really applying 'scientific demands' to anything Oodles Grin

They may well grow up to be atheist artists or religious scientists. As long as they are happy and fulfilled I don't mind either way.