…to not want DH to go for promotion?

[DesandDaphne]

Bit of background, we have 2 DD’s (3 and 1 month). DH works FT and I am intending to go back PT once maternity leave is up.

DH is office based sales, and although occasionally does work in the evenings and at weekends, is pretty much a 9 – 5.00pm kind of guy. He works a 5 minute drive from home so is usually home by 5.15pm, meaning he has a good few hours with the girls, helps with the cooking and housework, takes it in turns to do bath & bed and gives me some much needed time in the morning to get myself together.

He’s happy in his job but like most people, feels he should push himself further to help both his career and to provide for his family. A job opening has just come up for a job he feels he could do and it’s been hinted at that it’s his if he wants it. I totally want to support him BUT it is international sales and would take him away from home at least a few days every other week, plus mad long hours when he’s here. The pay increase is significant (more than what I earn now) and would allow us to possibly move house soon, get a nicer car, take the girls away on holiday but is it worth it?

We have such a lovely little stress free life, I feel supported and like I have an equal partner. Yes we’re not rich, but we get by. I just feel like I'll be doing the lions share of child rearing alone for the sake of a few nicer things in my life but no husband. Am I being selfish for not wanting him to go after this opportunity?

I think it is a little selfish, sorry, although I competely see where you are coming from!

Does he want to apply? That's the crux really. If he does, you can't stop him.

YANBU if you've got such a good home life balance then I understand why you don't want that to change but I don't think your DH Is BU either to want to further his career

I guess it depends on how much you both want nicer things.

I have to say I think having plenty of time together and less stress is invaluable.

I think he does, both because he wants to be seen to be progressing and not stagnating, but also because the salary increase is so significant. I obviously want to talk to him about it to gauge his thoughts but I know he'll ask me what I think, and I won't be able to lie.

People choose different things and it depends what is right for your family. Personally our family has chosen DH and I going for promotions but making sure that our time is hoarded. DH get up well before 6am so he can be back in time to see DD. He goes to the gym at lunch so it doesn't cut into family time. I work around DD's schedule.

It's extremely difficult but DD sees both her parents and it works for now.

Thanks Redexpat, that was basically what I was trying to say!

It's only going to get harder over the next few years with two small children, plus me working PT and us having very little family about. I do rely on him, but that's normal isn't it? I just don't want to feel resentful once I'm having to deal with things pretty much alone.

Tough one OP, we did the reverse and I stopped a job with a lot of travel to be able to do the 9 to 5 and be there for bed and bath and nursery runs.
Part of why we did that though was to enable my wife to resume a career and we work reduced hours to juggle it and catch up work in the evening sometimes.

The question is not so much how it might impact on you (although it inevitably will) he's got to ask himself if that's what he really wants. I thought i did, 5 months later I was crying myself through the commute home each night.

I might swear at Julia Donaldson if I met her because I've read them so much I think gruffalos are real, but I wouldn't swap reading her stories each night for any money

Oh I don't know, it's so tough.

DP and are just in the final week of working opposing shifts at work and it's been tough even without DC. I wouldn't have considered having kids with him with our work patterns the way they are. Four days a week, we didn't see each other. It was hard. Add children into the mix and it would have been even worse.

But if this is a job he really wants, it's hard to say no. Has he realised the impact this would have on you - what about things like childcare? Would you even be able to go back to work if he wasn't around as much and had to work much longer hours? How does he feel about not seeing his kids as much?

I think YANBU at all, but you really need to voice your concerns to him. He's a husband and father now and sometimes you have to sacrifice things to make your family life better. Is (unnecessary?) money worth upsetting the amazing set-up you have at the moment? I guess that's the crucial question here.

I am a sahm while my dh works 10am till 11pm six days a week. Honestly? I do resent it.
I'm responsible for the dc and it gets hard hard. We have lovely days out and holidays without him on occasion but he's not there to share anything and doesn't understand how much work keeping the family together without him is.

I don't think yabu. Money can't buy everything and him being away lots will impact your career as well. If there's a work event that finishes late you won't be able to go as no-one to pick up kids, if the kids are I'll you will have to miss work, if you want an evening out eg a fitness class you will need a babysitter.

YABU, but I do sympathise. I think when you have a 1 month old baby you cannot see through the fog of recent birth, sleepless nights, feeding etc. Your dh wants to progress his career to provide for his growing family. This is great news and a great opportunity. You are off work for a good while yet, I guess, so you will have plenty of time to get used to this new arrangement and build the support network you will need should he get this great promotion, that he wants. But I understand you want everything to stay exactly as they are, as life with a new baby is tough.

I agree with googoodolly and I also think you need to stop and assess the impact this will have on him as well as the impact on you and the family.

It's very easy to get swept up in the excitement of a new job and a big pay increase - particularly because it's very flattering that people think you're the best person for the job. What's harder is slowing down and truly thinking about the trade offs.

Is he properly considering how little he will see your DDs if he takes the job? At the moment I presume he sees them 3 hours each night = 30 hours of evenings with them in a fortnight. Taking this job could reduce him down to 1/2 an hour a night, plus away 2 nights every other week = 4 hours of evenings with them in a fortnight.

That is a very stark contrast - if he realises this is the trade off and he's still keen on the job then that's a conversation to have, but I think you need to quantify the impact for him to see it clearly.

Check the travel policy and the destinations of the international sales. DH does sales within the US and does day trips. He leaves very early in the morning but is home for 3pm if Florida or 8pm if Texas (1-2 times per week). I do mornings and DH does evenings and actually spends more time with the DC than I do.

You working PT with your DH away Monday - Thursday is not bad at all. What sucks is DH leaving Sunday afternoon and returning Friday afternoon. It makes a huge difference if the travel is Mon-Thurs. When DH isn't able to be there for bedtime he reads them stories on facetime/skype from the plane.

I am not going to lie, the extra money is very nice. DH makes 10x what I make and loves what he does. I regularly have to deflate his ego but hey ho thats what any good wife does.

Its not just 'his job his decision' - its your whole family's work/life balance and has to be a whole family decision.
We made the same decision as some previous posters - less money, less 'stuff', smaller holidays, but so so much more time together and DH spends so much time with the DCs, which is beyond precious to us.

Its a hard one. My DH has climbed the ladder at work and earns a significant salary. I shouldered most of the childcare when the DC were young to allow him to pursue his career. I now work part time for a tiny wage.

Now DH is stressed all the time, we hardly see him and despite being able to afford a lovely lifestyle we never time to do anything. My DC are 17 and 22 and i get so lonely sometimes. We are now thinking of shifting downwards to get a better work/life balance.

It's just about nicer things though is it?
Isn't it about trying to combine being able to progress your career alongside balancing family life? About not being unhappy and stuck in a job you don't like knowing you could have progressed further?

He should definitely apply - he may not even get it. Until he has the job offer you don't even know if it's a reality.

If he were to get it, could you use some of the extra cash to pay for a cleaner/more money on easy food/an extra morning at nursery etc.? That would reduce the burden on you a bit.

I was in a similar position several years ago, just after the birth of our eldest. He went for the job and got it so rather than return to work after maternity I gave it up (the salary increase was more than my part time salary) similar circumstances, lots of travel etc but now after 7 years he's at the top of the ladder and can 'delegate' a lot of tasks out, is home by 5-5.30 and tends to only stay away one night a week, so it's worked out well for us.
Plus, because I'm at home with our now 2 children it means when he's home everything is done so our weekends and evenings are about our children and family life rather than batch cooking, cleaning and arguing about who's turn it is to put the bins out.

I don't think getting a cleaner would be the answer. I think the OP likes spending evenings and weekends with her husband, and with their DD's, and that wouldn't happen if he got this new job. He'd be away a lot more, working longer hours - a cleaner doesn't get that time back if he's not even in the house or the country.

Yes, applying would get money and a higher living standard, but is it worth sacrificing time together as a family for? My parents both worked long hours and I was stuck in childcare during all the holidays, after school and before school clubs everyday, and childcare the odd weekends they worked and I HATED it. Not all children want money, they want to be at home and not in childcare or clubs. It obviously depends on the children involved but if it was me, I would give up the extra money (assuming it wasn't needed to pay bills or whatever) to have that time with my family.

Each to their own, though.

Tell him he can as long as you can get a full time job too which takes you away several nights a week and that he arranges cleaners and nannies. Works for many of us and means you are not muggins at home doing dross stuff and instead you get to live it up in luxury hotels whilst he or the nanny is doing cleaning and childcare.

It's hard but could your they and think long term? Imagine how different your retirement would be, able to help your children more with deposits/ uni fees.

Anyway it would only be for a few years surely? Then he could cut hours/switch positions?

I think it should absolutely be a joint decision. If he is promoted, and is working away a lot, it will be at the detriment to your own career. If he's not around it will be you picking up the slack.

How many women are trapped in bad relationships because they can't earn enough to support themselves? Not saying this applies to you OP, but I think in general it benefits everyone having a balance between the partners - no-one is particularly stressed, or having full responsibility for earning, or sick children, or housework.
It sounds like you have a lovely family life, I wouldn't do anything to change that personally.

Can you tell us how much extra the rise is worth a year?

30k or in that region is a good rise.

If it would help pay for CC and also help him in the next step of his career then I would do it.

You could consider buying a four bed house and hiring an aupair?

If my husband REALLY wanted the job, I would akways back him.

It depends how much support childminder nanny etc you have to support you because you'll be the one left holding everything.

My husband had a 1.5 hr - 2 hr commute for over 18 months, a year ago. he's got now got a new job 15 minutes away. It has changed our life. absolutely changed our lives.

In some jobs 'go up or get out' is a bit of a mantra. Is your dh's current job secure, or is it expected that he will go for promotion? If failing to apply for the promotion means that his current job is at risk, I think that this might be something you just have to accept.