…to not want DH to go for promotion?

[DesandDaphne]

Bit of background, we have 2 DD’s (3 and 1 month). DH works FT and I am intending to go back PT once maternity leave is up.

DH is office based sales, and although occasionally does work in the evenings and at weekends, is pretty much a 9 – 5.00pm kind of guy. He works a 5 minute drive from home so is usually home by 5.15pm, meaning he has a good few hours with the girls, helps with the cooking and housework, takes it in turns to do bath & bed and gives me some much needed time in the morning to get myself together.

He’s happy in his job but like most people, feels he should push himself further to help both his career and to provide for his family. A job opening has just come up for a job he feels he could do and it’s been hinted at that it’s his if he wants it. I totally want to support him BUT it is international sales and would take him away from home at least a few days every other week, plus mad long hours when he’s here. The pay increase is significant (more than what I earn now) and would allow us to possibly move house soon, get a nicer car, take the girls away on holiday but is it worth it?

We have such a lovely little stress free life, I feel supported and like I have an equal partner. Yes we’re not rich, but we get by. I just feel like I'll be doing the lions share of child rearing alone for the sake of a few nicer things in my life but no husband. Am I being selfish for not wanting him to go after this opportunity?

The combination of a 1 month baby and the prospect of promotion is a bad one (I remember the sleep deprivation and weep!)
Step back and think about the fa t that by the time he applies, gets accepted etc baby will be 3 months. Then what about 6 months, 1 year, 2 years....
Is it just bad timing but he could wait and go for the next one in a couple of months or is this a bit of a one off at least short term? As a PP said what's the view of people who don't take promotions - that can be limiting in some companies (not saying it's right just that it can be)
Obviously you need to talk but do think long term not just next week

It should be a joint decision. Dh starts a job where he has a 90min commute, soon. I work but I manage our business from home. The extra money is alot and will make our lives completely different. However we sat down and talked it through. Yes I will be shouldering the childcare and looking after the house and he won't be around as much. But its only short term, 2 years at most and from September both dc will be in ft school. So I will have the school hours work and look after the house. Which I am happy to do. The plan is short term pain for long term gain. We have both been working from home for a year, which has been great. But the new job will give us the money we need to grow the business, so in 2 years he can come back to working with me. So we decided to go for it.

Neither of you or your dh are bu. But I can see both points. You will shoulder the work at home. He will be working alot. Staying in the same job forever can be pretty soul destroying, especially when you know you could go further. But life will be harder for you. Very very difficult decision to make.

If you were a man suggesting that your wife should give up her career progression to support you, then it's likely there would be over 300 replies by now telling you to stop repressing women (I paraphrase)

I spent virtually all my 30s, in international sales chasing a big salary. My life was very similar to that described by chewynutty above (but the notion that such a role means living it up in swanky hotels is frankly ludicrous)

I missed out a lot on my children growing up - they're in their 20s now - and I was exhausted from doing 16-hour+ days, 100+ flights per year, seeing airport lounges>hotels>offices>restaurants(working-lunch/dinner)>hotels>taxi>next country. My CV starts that Norland is not looking for an international role

That said, it made me a millionaire, so now we have an extremely comfortable life.

Would you be happy with having your husband restrict his career, in order that you can pursue yours, for less money than what his promotion can bring? Will he be happy?

Men and women really do see things differently on this one. Men are driven by a need to provide and most of us see our role as having to provide as best as possible for our spouses and offspring (and I have many regrets about spending so little time with my children in their lives up to their early teens) is your husband of the same mind-set?

It's good you're going to have the chat with him; money is only good for what it can buy. Unfortunately -perhaps - most men are very competitive and in our 20s & 30s beating the 'other man' can be an over-arching drive and that often means earning more than the other man.

I would support my husband if he wanted the job.

A significant pay rise could pay for a number of things to help you - mornings in nursery, cleaner, gym member ship to use when the children are in nursery and the cleaner is at home....

I have a husband who although only commutes 2 miles every day but works very long hours because of the nature of his work - think 7 - 7 being a normal day but it could be anything up until the early hours of the morning - last night he came home at 3.30am... I found this very difficult at first when I was left at home holding the baby (admittedly only 1 not 2) but then you have to realise why he's working, to give the family the nicer things in life. Yes some nights you would swap the nice things for a toddler to go to bed but those difficult days will still be there if your husband is at home and personally I choose the nicer things.

If he's earning a significant amount more would you need to go back to work? I know plenty of SAHM's that put their children into a nursery 1-2 mornings a week for social learning... aka a break - having some time to yourself will work wonders for lifting your energy levels / enthusiasm during the days he will be away.

1 or 2 nights every fortnight doesn't seem (to me) to be an excessive amount of traveling, it might bring you closer together as a couple - absence makes the heart grow fonder...

Good Luck with your choice, its one that only you can make as a couple!

Just make sure that whatever decision you make you both agree with it - resentment is a bitch!

One other thing. If he transfers to international sales, he should be able to work from home a lot more when back in the UK. That's what laptops and BlackBerries were invented for.

I think a lot depends on how you feel about your career. If he is travelling, v tired, home late etc I suspect you will not have the space/energy/option of progressing similarly.

for me this has been a double edged sword because in some ways I enjoy being the primary caregiver but I do resent my low earnigs and the backseat my career has taken. Realistically I think you both have to accept inequalities will enter your relationship if he goes for it.

And I would warn you that babes won't need parents less in a few months IMO. Mine are teenagers and what with homework, exams, driving lessons, upsets with friends,cooking good food for them, etc etc they do still take a lot of input!!

My dh is also in sales and travels a lot. It's now something like two weeks a month but when the kids were younger it was about one night a week. That was quite hard but we got through. I am a SAHM and I do feel stuck a bit because I couldn't depend on him if I went back to work.
The key question is how important is a job/career to each of you. For me, not very much. Dh is a very driven and restless person.
I would also point out because dh is away from the office so much it makes his job a bit more flexible. For example if he'd been away for a couple of days, he wouldn't twice about telling his boss he'd been in late so he could go to an assembly at school. It's swings and roundabouts.

Norland makes some very good points. The financial aspect is worth considering it. The jump in salary has completely opened up opportunities for both DH and I. It does sometimes suck that we live 3000 miles away from home, that I am on my own a lot with the DC, that I have to stand firm and be very strong to keep DH level headed and that I need to admit defeat and hire help when needed. However I like to look at this positively in that I am able to request a 16 week sabbatical this summer and not worry about the money.

If I were your DH I would be having a firm word with the higher ups about what the trajectory is for him if he applies for the role. Does his have an MBA? DH spent 3 years doing his PT while working FT while I did my CPA exams while working FT. We both studied at the same time and had two kids during the process. Not fun I tell ya but today we are both very employable and able to set our own schedules.

There are more questions that he should be asking and I think your DH should be looking at this long term. Does he want to be a Sales Director? Is that something that his employer would consider him for in the future? Does this role get him there faster? Also, they need to talk numbers and I would be pushing for a salary that is at least equal to your gross PT income.

Not as much now but used to go away a fair bit (often without much notice) and I found it difficult because as a SAHM I had the DC all day and them all evening (well into the evening with my DS!!).

As they got older and went to school it became easier even though I was working part time.

Now it means I get to watch want I want if he goes away! The DC are older now

OP, it sounds like you have a good set-up at home & I can see why you would want to keep it that way.

I don't think you can hold him back though.
But perhaps have a think about strategies:

• a nanny will make like easier & help you balance work & home easier on working days. It will also support your reliability at work instead of taking days off for sick children.

• definitely a cleaner & some extra childcare sessional you can have some me-time.

My partner works away a lot; we have a 6 year old & a 22m old; I work p/t.

I won't tell you it's easy or that it doesn't cause resentment.it is very hard, as we don't have family support nearby & aren't placed financially for extra childcare.i also worry in the long term about the DC resenting their absent father.

Personally I would say no, as my DH was the opposite and had the high hours/mileage and mega bucks job, neither of us had a family life and we ended up at each other's throats because of resentment of each other's 'cushy' life (neither of us had it cushy tbh) and in the end he changed job to a far less important job with 50% less income! We have to count pennies and there is little left at the end of the month but we are both far happier and so are the dc, who actually prefer having quality time with both parents rather than a room full of expensive gadgets etc but no attention given to them.

Another thing to consider, is that there are pretty much no jobs for life any more. Would this new position make him more employable if anything happened to his current job?

My DH travels and works a lot, the difference is that I didn't particularly want to go back to work.

Having me SAH means he has been able to focus on his career and progress in ways that would have been impossible had I been working too. He has never had to take a day off to take care of sick children, or juggle holiday to cover school holidays etc. He earns considerably more than I ever could.

He values me SAH massively - not only supporting his career but also just the stability it gives the children - no after-school or holiday clubs needed etc.

At times it has been hard being the one at home juggling the house/children especially before they were old enough to go to nursery for a few hours.

Financially we are better off than we ever imagined. He is doing a job he loves and which continues to offer good prospects. Having a secure financial future (mortgage nearly paid off, kids' university fund well established...) is one of the things that makes us happy.

No he is not around as much as we'd all like, but equally at weekends he is home and very hands-on and a great dad. I keep on top of all the chores, shopping etc so that our weekends are for leisure.

Logistically it has worked for us having one parent at home. If I was working I'm pretty sure the small financial advantage would be outweighed by the logistical nightmare of school holidays and sick children (no family nearby).

Some MNetters will point out that I am vulnerable financially if our marriage broke down but frankly, we are married and so 50% of everything is mine (and if something happens to either of us we have excellent life insurance).

Good luck making a very tough decision. Very difficult indeed to weigh up the pros and cons.

Our situation was not dissimilar about a decade ago. DH went down the international route and now he is in one of the 'dream' jobs he was aiming for. It has been tough. I've had to be tough. We didn't have much of a choice though, and were not as settled where we were as you clearly are.

I'd say you don't know what is around the corner. DH went for promotion in another company. About 2 years later the old company folded and so there were a lot of people all looking for local jobs (in a small place) all at once.

I know exactly where you're coming from. 2.5 years ago, when DH arrived home and said "I got the promotion" I sat down on the top of the stairs and said "Really?" while thinking....Shit. I've not been proved wrong.

We have the balance all wrong. He works five days a week in a very demanding job (doesn't help that he has yet to be introduced to the concept of time management) and I work four days in a week in a marginally less demanding one. On days when he does drop off, I leave the house at 6.25 in the morning, and on days when I do, he gets home after 8pm. On Monday evenings and Tuesday mornings, I don't see our daughters awake as I go to the gym on a Monday evening to preserve my sanity and he does drop off on Tuesday mornings.

We live a very nice life - by national standards we're well off although by local standards, we're probably more average. Our aim is to be able to send the children to private school at secondary as the state schools round our way aren't great, and that's what we're striving for. Also, I'm in the real quandary of not wanting to be home full time. While we have joint accounts and absolute clarity on finances, I have a horrible feeling that he would resent every penny I spent if I wasn't woh and I would resent not having "my own" money. I was reared never to be financially dependant on anyone else. More important than the finances, I need the stimulation of something outside the home - and work gives me that.

Our daughters are almost 3 and 18 months. Family time is extremely important to me - he says it is, but life seems to get in his way a bit. He talks constantly about the future, and in doing so, forgets to live in the present.

I don't know what the answer is, I know my problem is that I want to be financially comfortable, and to have the resources to give my daughters the opportunities I had. I also grew up with a Dad who was never home for dinner and I have a great relationship with him. I'm proud of him, and what he did for our family, but my Mum didn't work outside the home in the way that I do.........that may be the difference.

If he really wants it, then go for it, and see how it goes, but definitely take the time to reassess in a year.

GOod luck

Onwards and upwards.

DH used to leave the house at 6.45 and get back and 7.30 everyday. He saw the boys for maybe half an hour every day at most, never did bedtime, homework, dinner as a family - he missed out on loads.

Eventually got sick of it and took a job paying half as much, with less responsibility but he leaves at 8.40 now and gets back before 5.30. He is more chilled out, the boys have proper daily interactions with him, and we are all happier.

He wouldn't go back to his previous job for anything, and I wouldn't be happy if he wanted to.

OP, time is worth more than money.
Consider this: if you lend £100 to someone, they can give it back and it's as if nothing had happened. If you give an hour of your time to someone, they can never give it back and since none of us know when we're going to die, you might have given one of your last hours.

In view of this, you both need to consider how much you value your time together (and with the DDs).

There are also women who prefer "sailor-husbands" (=away a lot) - I am not saying you are one, I am just covering all bases. Women who enjoy doing their own things and spend time alone with the DCs. Your DH taking the new job will mean more time for you (extra money -> cleaning lady, nanny, etc.)

I would consider this opportunity very carefully. I'm all for prioritising family time - I down graded to a much more flexible role when dc2 came along. Dh made a sideways move around the same time and has since turned down a promotion. BUT... the promotion involved very little extra cash, more opportunities will come up over the next few years and he enjoys his current role very much.
Will turning down this promotion have long term consequences? Is staying in his current role long-term viable. Think about the long term implications. It may be that some short term pain could lead to significant long term gains.
Tough one op.

Don't stop him applying.

It would be near enough impossible not to resent someone who stopped you from applying for a promotion that you wanted.

If he gets the job, you can discuss what to do. You can decide how to make things easier for yourselves, and how to make the time you do have better.

Nothing stays the same forever, so you can't block the promotion because you want to maintain the status quo. He could end up in a different job, working more hours for the same money, in a few years. Make a plan to make the best of the time you do have, and enjoy the extra income.

I'd encourage my partner if it's what they wanted. Who wouldn't?

If one only works part time then it usually means a far lower salary that the full time worker has to make up for to keep things going. The one with fewer hours should pick up more of the housework so it shouldnt make much difference if the other can't help daily.

Extra income means more opportunities for children.

I kind of get this.

But they will not be small for very long and then they get very very expensive, surveys .......... rugby tour invoice, Duke of Edinburgh invoice, recalls the £25 on parent pay for lunches and that £25 won't last jig time at £2.50 a day.

My DH worked away a lot when the DC were small. I hated it, but had no choice really, it sort of became his job, rather than him taking it as a specific job.

It became harder and harder over the years. He wishes he hadn't done it now.

Just to say that if you're partner works away, as mine often does, it means picking up ALL of the domestic stuff. ALL the childcare drop-off's & pickups. Covering ALL the school holidays/sickness/school plays etc. It also means no hobbies or interests for me or social life during the week. I do find that hard.

Sometimes I feel resentful that he's off glory-hunting & doing more interesting things while I'm on domestic drudgery duty & working too. It limits my opportunities at work, as I can't stay back & work late or socialise at work.

But for us it wasn't a choice as it was the only thing available after redundancy.

Sometimes I think it would be easier if I didn't work, but I like my job & I think I would be more resentful.

OP, I would ask him to think about what life will look like when he's away.

And consider; should his work/ambition be placed over your happiness?