…to not want DH to go for promotion?

[DesandDaphne]

Bit of background, we have 2 DD’s (3 and 1 month). DH works FT and I am intending to go back PT once maternity leave is up.

DH is office based sales, and although occasionally does work in the evenings and at weekends, is pretty much a 9 – 5.00pm kind of guy. He works a 5 minute drive from home so is usually home by 5.15pm, meaning he has a good few hours with the girls, helps with the cooking and housework, takes it in turns to do bath & bed and gives me some much needed time in the morning to get myself together.

He’s happy in his job but like most people, feels he should push himself further to help both his career and to provide for his family. A job opening has just come up for a job he feels he could do and it’s been hinted at that it’s his if he wants it. I totally want to support him BUT it is international sales and would take him away from home at least a few days every other week, plus mad long hours when he’s here. The pay increase is significant (more than what I earn now) and would allow us to possibly move house soon, get a nicer car, take the girls away on holiday but is it worth it?

We have such a lovely little stress free life, I feel supported and like I have an equal partner. Yes we’re not rich, but we get by. I just feel like I'll be doing the lions share of child rearing alone for the sake of a few nicer things in my life but no husband. Am I being selfish for not wanting him to go after this opportunity?

I think you are being incredibly selfish, you should want your partner to be the best he can be not held back because you can't cope with your kids on your own for a few days every couple of weeks, many single parents manage full time in their own and think about the partners of those in the armed forces, they have to manage alone for months at a time, my husband works away three days a week leaving me with two children to look after, one with a severe disability, I manage, I think unless there is something else such as illness on your part or maybe a lack of trust with him being away I can't see the problem, I fail to see how hard it is to look after a couple of kids by yourself a few days a month, my mum had four of us, no husband and worked full time, she managed fine, I think a lot of people are very lazy

If he doesn't go for it he will always regret it. I think you should really speak to him about the impact it will have, and how you both plan to deal with it but ultimately IMO he should go for it if you can come to some sort of agreement.

I don't think YABU OP. I wouldn't relish the idea of my DP being away a lot or working long hours because I like us to have time together in the evenings and that is without me having young children to consider. It doesn't sound like it's ideal timing if you have a 1 month old.

That said it does sound like a good opportunity for him but it absolutely should be a joint decision. I think the thing that you should think about most carefully is what you want from your own career in the longer term because it will undoubtedly be more difficult for you to progress if you need to be doing more than your fair share of childcare because of your DH's longer hours.

Personally I would rather have an older car and be at home earlier in the day but people are different and I think it depends on the significance in salary difference and what it can bring for you. And it depends on how comfortable you are now too - if you are struggling now it would be an opportunity not to be missed but if it's the difference of affording a 5 bedroom house when you have a 4 bedroom one and it's sufficient space for your family then I'd say it's not worth the extra stress it would bring you. If you're all in a one bedroom flat and it could get you a 3 bed house then maybe it's worth it.

I really don't think it's fair to call OP selfish. She has a 1 month old baby that presumably was planned based on the current circumstances, it's not selfish for her to be questioning whether she wants to take on the lion's share of house hold work and childcare (beyond what she would have done on mat leave or taking into account her part time hours) when that isn't what she signed up for.

What about the opportunities the OP may have and how her DH's promotion will impact on her ability to take them up in the future?

I'm not saying he shouldn't take the promotion but I think OP needs to be honest about her concerns and discuss with her DH how they can manage the new circumstances.

You only need to read posts on mumsnet to see how the partner with the 'less important' job end up well and truly shafted and playing second fiddle to the job of the high flying earner. It's a huge decision that will impact on the OP's life massively and she deserves her opinion being considered also.

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Oh, Ive seen people called selfish for making' their DP/DH work abroad while they are SAH or work p/t. Some people just have very little imagination.

It depends in your dh in a way

My dh is a 'live to work' type. He adores his job. I knew hat when I marrie him and I knew it when I had kids with him. I have always supported his career choices as I know how important it is to him and how much thought he puts in!

I work part time. He travels a lot but is always home weekends and probably does more parenting then me over the weekend!. He also makes an effort to either have breakfast with the kids or be home for bedtime. He then stays up late working at home.

This isn't all about money - your dh may get a lot out of his new job.

I work fixed hours and we have a cleaner and nanny. That means I can focus on the kids when I'm not working. Dh is fine with that because he resign used I take the lions share of child care and have the responsibility firmly on my shoulders.

Talk it through with him and see what can be done to make your life easier if he isn't around so much.

Have you spoken to him about this OP? He may not have thought about the things you have if he's excited about applying. Even if he ha you should talk about it and discuss options.

I wouldn't do it and I don't think it makes you selfish.

We are used to having a good work-life balance like you, and then last year DH took a sales job with travel and long hours. He hated it and ended up leaving for something else that has us back to normal. We don't have much money but we have a lot of time together and most importantly our marriage is extremely equal, neither of us is stuck doing the lion's share of working or household stuff or childcare.

If you are used to having things very equal it will be a shock to have to take care of everything at home, always be the one to stay home when kids are sick, etc. Of course it's not impossible and lots of women do it but it's not what you signed up for and you don't have to like it (I wouldn't).

What's wrong with telling him: I really want to support you in your career, but I think it would be better to wait a couple years for this kind of shift, until the kids are in school, when it will be easier.

You say he's happy in his current job so it's not like you're condemning him to a life of misery.

If he does go for it don't go mad spending .
Dh got a great promotion I was happy, we got a bigger house, car ect
10 yrs later we are both wrecked from the 'climbing' but can't back down as we have a lot of debt.

My youngest was starting school when dh started so wasn't too much stress for me.

Interesting how the OP has been called selfish for not wanting him to work away, but that her husband hasn't been for considering it.......

I think if a man was trying to hold back a woman from furthering her career the response would be that he's a pig.

lotsof Why on earth would he be selfish for choosing to work longer hours, to better his family financially. I think the easier route would be for him to stay put.

Mrsbird311 - you're right, I should want my DH to be the best he can be, but why does that have to be professionally?? Can I not want him to be the best father he can be? Why is it he can only be truly fulfilled and reach his potential in a work environment?

Thank you to everyone else for your comments, lots of differing views here and lots of food for thought. If I'm honest, all this talk of nannies and gym memberships just makes me want to cry. I don't want a nanny, I don't want a cleaner, I want to come home from work and discuss the minutiae of my day with my husband over a glass of wine. That's why I married him, because I love him and because I actively enjoy spending time with him. I love (or loved) that I didn't have to stress about feeding one child whilst trying to get another ready for bed, or that I at least had time to wash my hair in the morning.

But I will speak to him, because it's only been discussed in passing and not in any detail so I have no idea where his head is. I won't hold him back if he really does want to go for it, and I suppose we can always re-evaluate in a year or so (or will we be used to the extra cash by then??)

Thanks everyone

cheese It isn't selfish to ask your wife. FWIW I don't think the OP is being selfish either. There is a lot to weight up. I think the best thing to do is apply and see what happens. If he is offered the job and the OP's DH insists on accepting the position against his DW's wishes then that is selfish.

OP - I wanted to come back to quantify what I mean by higher salary. Ten years ago my DH was earning $65k (GBP30k) and today through promotions and a transfer to a foreign market he is now making 10x that. There needs to be a very frank discussion about your DH's career trajectory with his bosses before he accepts this position. I would expect the salary of someone who is travelling out of the country to compensate the family for the wife taking the back seat and having to buy in resources.

If they offered DH a 10% increase in salary for the role he took on I would be very hesitant to support him taking that role. For my DH, when he started to travel a lot his salary doubled as there was an implicit request for me to stop working (and I didn't!!!), when he took on a new market and tripled sales in that market plus increased sales by 35% in his existing market his salary doubled again. When he finished up his MBA they gave him a $10k cheque and increased his salary by 10%.

Want2b - it's a basic rise of almost £30k, with added bonuses dependent on sales (the market has taken off hugely so this could be anywhere from £10-£20k)

I think you also need to consider that as your children grow older what you see as comfortable enough might not be so, especially as cost of living increases and all that.

My dh is a better father because he is happy in his working life. He is also a great role model for the kids because he shows that work isn't a chore that you do to pay the bills and that you can get job satisfaction.

He travels a lot and we try to be very organised diary wise. Yes he has missed a school play but in the combined 6 years the kids have been at school I don't think that's too bad. He also works from home a lot so he can get home to see the kids.

How many evenings will he actually be away? How flexible are they to working out of the office?

Tbh I thought my dh travelling one week in three would be awful but it's actually better than before as his weekends are clear Jd he can be more flexible when he is in the UK

I've possibly been a bit harsh but what I'm trying to say is he should be able to go for it if that's what he wants , if my husband said he wanted to working Spain for three months I'd be " great go for it"'but in return if I decided I wanted to try something I'd expect his full support too, I truly can't see how a few days a month looking after the kids is in anyway hard work , sorry!!!

Thanks Grays - i guess my head is very much in the short term here and I'm not thinking about what this could mean down the line. Yes, sleep deprivation and a noisy toddler have frazzled me and just have me stressing about having to do this alone, frequently, and waiting for him to come home so I can have a break and dump the kids on him.

If I thought long term, it would almost sway me because the security would be fantastic but like a PP has said, its not forever is it and he could very easily lose his job.

Gah, sorry, thinking out loud here! Gonna have a chat tomorrow night. Thanks again.

Mrsbird311 - it's not just the few days away. If it were a few days away a month I would not be posting here. It's the few days away per month, plus the early mornings, plus the long nights in the office, plus the phonecalls at 9pm and the nights at the dining table on the laptop and the weekends answering emails and not playing with the girls. Its the amount of work that creeps into daily life when you're in a position like this.

He knows this is how it's going to be because he's previously moaned about how he'd hate that (seeing others in the office do the same) but at the same time, he does have this misguided (??) sense that he should do this because he's the main breadwinner and it would be beneficial for all of us down the line.

if my husband said he wanted to working Spain for three months I'd be " great go for it

Good for you.

If my husband said he wanted to work in Spain for 3 months I'd be all 'Not in this lifetime mate'.

Whilst the idea of being supportive to all goals is...nice...the reality is a bit different.

What is your work situation OP? Do you have a job you really like, if things got too tough and you had to be SAHM for a while, would it be ok?

Understand the dilemma but if he did not apply would it have a negative effect on him, in some work places this would mean sidelining and possibly not getting same chance again,

You have enough now, but if dh never got promoted would you have enough in 5 years 10 years.

In many sales type jobs staying still is not really an option, you could end up worse off

Making a decision with a 4 week old baby and sleep deprivation is not the best background

Be realistic his boss might not be best pleased at him not applying for a job he has virtually been promised

I would not be impressed if my DH tried to persuade me not to go for a promotion.

des thinking out loud is good! Don't apologise.

I can understand your predicament because I've been there myself and me and DP had to try and overcome it. For us, it's been worth it. But that might be because of my shift pattern (I work 13 x 4 unless i get called in or work overtime) and of course that doesn't mean it'll work for you.

I also understand how easy it is to get comfortable when things are going well and not want to disrupt that equilibrium. Is there any way of him having a trial period? I know probably not but that would be great for you

I don't think YABU at all. As others have said; money is not everything. Stuff does not compensate for quality time with a loving family. Holidays can be cheap or expensive but equally great. Money can't buy back the time you've missed spending with each other. Cliche but true!

I'd be very honest with your DH (stay calm) tell him just what you've told us - how much you value the teamwork you have together and how safe and secure it makes you feel.

He may not really want the job so much as he feels he ought to take it - to provide more money, bigger house, newer car etc. If you tell him you value his presence more than the extra money he might even be relieved to be let off the extra expectation, and who wouldn't love to hear they are loved and appreciated so much!

But if he does still want the job, hopefully he will think extra hard before making decision that affects you all.