What do you think… is this an appropriate present for a 4-year-old?

[drkg]

Back-story: we work really hard to promote a gender-neutral environment at home. We’ve made a few complaints to nursery regarding this (e.g. girl-only activities for 3-year-olds). There’s only one term left.

This week: Our DD, for her 4th birthday, opened a Monster High doll. We had no idea what these were before, just saw a box, marked age 6+, inside a doll with make-up, short skirt, ridiculous body proportions, that looks both scary and yet sexy…

It was from her nursery teacher. We’re not sure if the nursery paid or if it was personal present. We were horrified with it and have stashed it away. (DD had no idea what it was and hasn’t missed it yet). DH thinks we should say nothing at all to nursery teacher. But, I feel awkward not saying thank you. DH argues that a thank-you is false and that if we say anything, we should mention we felt it was inappropriate. I can’t bring myself to do this.

I know this is minor. Don’t beat me up! But I really believe it is important to deliver positive messages to little ones and although I don’t think these dolls directly create anorexia or the like, I do find them sickly and they don’t seem to me to represent the values that I hold dear. I’d rather not have them in my house if I can help it. But I’m opening up to MN to hear other opinions. Are DH and I BU to feel uncomfortable with this present? Anyone else think it is inappropriate from a nursery teacher? And what should I do?

Desiren Barbies come in all shades now. Black skin, Hispanic skin, Chinese, you name it. Available.

You can't have a gender neutral home environment if you want to ban gender-stereotyped toys mellowjello. It's a contradiction in terms.

Gender neutral just means removing the girls'/boys' toy labelling and allowing the child free choice.

Monster High come in blue, green and grey skin colours.....

Beat that for equal ops

I have 2 boys and a girl and they all know that there are no girls toys and boys toys just toys. I didn't realise that encouraging gender neutral play meant no dolls. Better tell DS2 this then as he has equestrian girl dolls, my little ponies and a pink my little pony styling head. He will be gutted. He plays with them along with his cars, wild animals, dinosaurs and oops his sisters collection of monster high dolls.
I don't buy these toys to be a right on cool mum I buy them because it's what he likes just now. We have a mix of sexes of children and there is a huge mix of toys and they all just play quite happily with everything as do most children who visit.
The only thing I would possibly be curious about was the out of age range choice rather than the gift itself and also of course you must say thank you. It would be rude not to, it's not false to thank someone for the time and effort that went into purchasing and giving you a gift.
I really think you are way over thinking this and taking it too far to the opposite extreme here.

Teaching staff anywhere aren't supposed to give presents to children where've you got this bollocks from?

I do think it's too far the other way now with girls not bein allowed to be pink and girly as if its a bad thing in the same way that beig a stay at home mum is looked down upon and every woman should have a high flyin career.
Life should be about personal preference. When I was a little girl I would have adored lego friends, and my 4 year old boy plays with them as much as my 6 year old daughter.
I don't agree with the toddler toys that come in pink and blue as there really isn't any point to it apart from gender stereotypes but I have no problem with barbies just in thsame way I don't have any problem with transformers etc

Ah well I'm biased - DS (4) loves Monster High. He picked up the DVD in the supermarket, I didn't know what it wa but it was a U, so home it came. We now have 2.

They are hideously boring and schmaltzy but DS doesn't see them as sexual or loaded at all. He just likes the 'magic' that they do. Way less than he likes Spiderman, however...

*Say thank you, give it to the charity shop, get on with day.

This ^*
^ that

Thirded

Its just a doll. My 4 year old dd has one, I can't remember who gave it to her. I also can't be bothered to get worked out about a doll!

I think the nursery has either a) got really pissed off at your 'few complaints ' and got your dd something that they knew you and your DH would hate or b) Just had really no idea as to what to get your dd as a gift due to your previous complaints re play and got you the monster high doll as an alternative to a barbie/princess etc

Whatever the reason I would thank the teacher and your DH sounds rude to suggest not thanking someone when they have gone to the trouble of buying your dd a gift.
Over the years there will be tonnes of Xmas and birthday gifts you inwardly groan at from school friends, family etc. I have always just thanked the giver and wouldn't dream of causing upset by telling the their present was unwanted

my 6.5 year old is obsessed with MH - she has loads - she also likes Playmobile, football, riding a bike and dogs

if you don't like it give it to charity

Like Fluffy I refuse to get in a tiss about dolls - and I allow my kids choice

I see the nursery are awaiting Ofsted but am intrigued about this boy/girl activity. It's such a basic no no I can't see how they passed the very stringent initial inspection before opening.

As a cm I would have been told to sort they out first and possibly not been given approval in the first place.

And who said nursery staff/teaching staff can't give presents. Er that's bollocks.

Op you do know that your dd will have years of endless crap from Claire's don't you. Give in now.

Given that you can't keep your children away from the gender stereotyped world, children's choices about gender stereotyped toys are not going to be free ones. You are inevitably presenting barbie as a symbol of femininity. If that's what you want fine - literally no one here has said that parents should not do this. But I really don't see what is offensive about preferring not to have gendered toys in the home. It certainly does not amount to a denigration of femininity as some seem to be suggesting. I find it sad that people are reacting so aggressively to a private and totally uncontroversial decision.

I'm confused. If the ops home is gender neutral for her dd then what toys does she have? If she's not allowed a doll because it's for a girl, does that mean it's only boys toys or just colouring in books because I don't get it at all.

I've got two girls. Both have/had dolls, prams, toy kitchens, garages, train sets, Lego, toy soldiers, football's, skipping ropes, half the contents of hobbycraft and tons of books. Dd 2 has even sat and painted her toy soldiers, then arranged them around the room and had them ambush scully from monsters inc at gunpoint. Her dolls are all wrapped up with loving care and then shoved in the toy shopping trolley and bounced so hard down the stairs that quite frankly, they probably all have fractured skulls. Baby Annabel recently had an arm ripped off in a small scuffle and went to my friends to be repaired where one of her boys fell in love with her and it was a struggle to regain custody.

I couldn't care less if the toys for a girl or a boy. If the kid likes it and wants to play with it then all's good.

pyjamasandwine dd 2 got her ears pierced last year. Now when we go shopping dh and I are forced to stand outside claires while she browses ...She's 9 going on 19. If we have her friend with us we have to take fold up chairs and a flask.

Dd is 7 and loves them. She loves scary stuff and tbh I find it preferable to heavily made up barbie. I didn't let her have them until she was 6 but I'm not really sure why. They're well made and she plays fab imagination games with them.
Anyway, not something to get upset about. Nice that her key worker wanted to give her something even if you don't like it.
mind you we probably have different views. I believe in toys for dc that they like and at 4 she'll have a good enough idea rather than forcing your gender neutral ideas. I have 3 dds - one loved cars and her garage, one loves trains and the youngest loves dressing as a princess and playing with dolls and teddies. Youngest 2 are 3 years old. Just let dc play with what they want rather than trying to make some bizarre smug point.

Manners matter.
sometimes you say a false thank you because that is polite.

Well I don't actually have a problem with holding Barbie up as one of many representations of femininity, so I guess that's why we won't agree.

My DD2 (who's the biggest Barbie fan in the house unsurprisingly) is blonde, pretty, leggy and loves playing with her hair and make-up. She's also good at science and loves Lego. I don't want her growing up thinking looks are all that matter, but equally I don't want her growing up thinking she's a lesser person or that her interests are less worthy because she doesn't have hair like Cressida Dick or like football.

You can be a strong, intelligent productive woman and still like painting your nails and having swooshy Kate Middleton style hair. The two are not mutually exclusive.

This is what pees some of us off about the anti-pink brigade.

I think the teacher probably was being kind. My boy plays with dolls and is ok about wearing any coloured clothes. I have brought him up to not fit into a gender stereotype as far as is practical. However if a teacher/ friend innocently gave him a toy that reinforced gender stereotypes I couldn't care less I would just be grateful and thank them for their kindness. People are different in many ways and it is important that through your actions your child sees the value of accepting others even if they do not necessarily share all your views.

Ha ha butterfly feel your pain.

Oh saucy as ever good post. Agree totally.

My 5 year old loves Monster High and she has a lot of the dolls.
Yes, they do wear a lot of make up, have big hair and wear short skirts..also some are vampires, there is a daughter of the boogey man and one is a horse.
Kids don't see things how adults do. It's just a doll to them. I wouldn't worry.

i thought gender neutral was about making all toys / activities / experiences available, not refusing to allow girls to play with dolls. My 4 year old also likes monsters high. She wants to be a rock star.

Better to teach your children all opportunities are available to them, and also add in there how important manners are...