Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

What do you think… is this an appropriate present for a 4-year-old?

124 replies

drkg · 17/03/2015 12:43

Back-story: we work really hard to promote a gender-neutral environment at home. We’ve made a few complaints to nursery regarding this (e.g. girl-only activities for 3-year-olds). There’s only one term left.

This week: Our DD, for her 4th birthday, opened a Monster High doll. We had no idea what these were before, just saw a box, marked age 6+, inside a doll with make-up, short skirt, ridiculous body proportions, that looks both scary and yet sexy…

It was from her nursery teacher. We’re not sure if the nursery paid or if it was personal present. We were horrified with it and have stashed it away. (DD had no idea what it was and hasn’t missed it yet). DH thinks we should say nothing at all to nursery teacher. But, I feel awkward not saying thank you. DH argues that a thank-you is false and that if we say anything, we should mention we felt it was inappropriate. I can’t bring myself to do this.

I know this is minor. Don’t beat me up! But I really believe it is important to deliver positive messages to little ones and although I don’t think these dolls directly create anorexia or the like, I do find them sickly and they don’t seem to me to represent the values that I hold dear. I’d rather not have them in my house if I can help it. But I’m opening up to MN to hear other opinions. Are DH and I BU to feel uncomfortable with this present? Anyone else think it is inappropriate from a nursery teacher? And what should I do?

OP posts:

SaucyJack · 17/03/2015 13:11

You've failed as a parent too then HelpMe

We need to sit our DDs down and explain that they can only be strong, individual, empowered females if they want to dress in boys' clothes and play with boys' toys.

Cos telling them that girls' stuff is shit, and only bimbos like pink is definitely what feminism and the gender-neutral movements are about, innit.

ILovePud · 17/03/2015 13:12

Could you say thank you for getting DD a gift rather than thanking them for the specific gift? Could that feel socially polite without being hypocritical? I can see your point about being age inappropriate and in it's own weird way reinforcing rigid notions of female beauty but I do think if I was a little girl now I would have loved those dolls. There's one who is supposed to be the daughter of a skeleton and a moth, WTF is that about though, I've spent too much time after seeing that advert wondering about how that could have come about, biologically or even in the creative design teams pitch?

QueQuesto · 17/03/2015 13:21

A few of the 4 year olds at DD's nursery have these dolls, they seem quite popular with this age group. DD doesn't have one but that's only because we are already inundated with Barbie and equestria girls and I don't want yet another bloody thing to have to keep track of which ones she has already come Christmas.

herethereandeverywhere · 17/03/2015 13:22

SaucyJack you're missing the point. no-one was advocating ANY of that. I just refuse to normalise 'girls' toys and games which are all about what they look like and not what they can do/achieve.

PatterofaMinion · 17/03/2015 13:23

Sorry, but I have trouble with anyone who says that thanking someone for a well intended gift is 'false'. You're not saying you liked it. You're thanking her for her generosity, her good intentions and her kindness. Nothing more.

How is that false? Telling her you disapprove won't change anything except it would be really rude and upset her a lot.

I think it would be best to say thank you very much and not a word more.

Miracularity · 17/03/2015 13:24

When my dds were the same age Bratz dolls were the equivalent. They were banned and any received as gifts were charity shop-ed.

I would write a simple thank you, taking the gift out of it, are you grateful that she bothered to give a gift to your dd?

HelpMeGetOutOfHere · 17/03/2015 13:26

Saucy I think I luffs you.

Exactly. This whole pink stinks has gone too far and now is almost anti feminist. In that any femininity must be squashed as you can not possibly be strong and independent if you are in any way remotely feminine.

Chunkymonkey79 · 17/03/2015 13:31

I couldn't bring myself to get so worked up over this, never mind being horrified.

Ok, it is out of her age range, and not what you would buy, but throughout her childhood and early teens, some people will buy presents like this. Is this how you will react every time someone buys a present not to your liking?

If you are asked if DD likes it etc just explain you have put it away for a little while as it is a little old for her, say thanks very much for it and move on

herethereandeverywhere · 17/03/2015 13:33

Helpme "any femininity must be squashed" what on earth are you referring to? This is about a Monsters High doll for a 4 year old??? Femininity for a pre-schooler???

HelpMeGetOutOfHere · 17/03/2015 13:35

i don't think saucy missed the point, the op quite clearly mentions gender neutral and encouraging that rather than defining girl/boy differentiation.

In this context there was no need to mention gender neutral, just is MH really aimed/suitable for a 4 yr old (replace MH with Barbie, Disney princess, action man etc) A point was quite clearly made that gender neutral practices.

arethereanyleftatall · 17/03/2015 13:36

I imagine it was a joke from the nursery. Possibly borne of your complaints.
Not saying that's right or wrong!
I would just say thank you and take it to charity.

HelpMeGetOutOfHere · 17/03/2015 13:37

that's in response to the MN obsession with gender neutral and the pink stinks campaign. Numerous threads on MN about how girls should wear boys shoes, shorts, trousers etc, why can they not just wear shoes, shorts or trousers. And why so many sneering comments about pink/purple/glitter.

Just in the few answers given the thread was already heading for another put down of all that is 'feminine'

BolshierAyraStark · 17/03/2015 13:38

My 5 yo DD keeps asking for these but I think they're a little old for her. In your situation I'd say thank you & give it to a charity shop-its quite a generous gift.

Artandco · 17/03/2015 13:38

Just say thanks and donate

We have the opposite here also. I hate all this superhero / fighting jazz people give to boys. DS had his birthday recently and at his party received a load of army stuff, superhero stuff and guns. We donated all to charity. To be fair we did say on invite no gifts due to both lack of space and our particular preferences

Aeroflotgirl · 17/03/2015 13:38

I agree, say thank you, and put it to the charity shop. My dd who is 8 likes them, but yes not for a 4 year old.

wigglesrock · 17/03/2015 13:41

My 4 year old would love it, but she's well used to them. She's the youngest of my 3 daughters and is well versed with various Barbie, MH, Equestria Girls hybrids. My eldest is almost 10 and she's managed to navigate her childhood so far without any lasting harm from having the odd doll floating about. Haven't had a problem with her confusing the shape of the doll with an ideal shape of what a woman should look like - what with them being monsters and all.

My 4 year olds nursery school get them a wee present for their birthday - usually a sticker book. Monster High dolls are the popular present for 7 year olds around here.

arethereanyleftatall · 17/03/2015 13:41

I can't get fussed with all this angst against barbies etc. my dd 4 has been in her bedroom for 2.5 hours now role playing with her barbies. I think role playing and Independant play is fantastic for them, I can't care less what they're playing with to enable it.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/03/2015 13:43

Would you have felt the same, if your dd had been given a Tiny Tears, or Baby Bjorn? Its ok for girls and boys to play with dolls, and your dd should be able to choose what gender toys she would like to play with.

Boswollox · 17/03/2015 13:43

We all know the rules on Mumsnet, pink, glitter, dolls, princess costumes and tutus are only acceptable on boys. Get with the programme people!

mrstiggy · 17/03/2015 13:44

My 7yo has 2 monster high dolls, and my 3yo often plays with her when she has them out. She sees them as no more than any other toy to play with. I don't particularly like them myself but my views are not strong enough to ban them. That said, I wouldn't give one to a 4yo. The whole theme of them just seems to be a bit much for such little kids. I would put it away for later, and say thank you to the teacher regardless as its really not good manners to criticise a gift.

Baddz · 17/03/2015 13:47

Ffs.
Just say thank you and send it to the charity shop.

5Foot5 · 17/03/2015 13:50

Children really don't see what adults project about these fashion dolls

^This

When DD was about 5 or 6 she had a number of Barbie-type dolls that were given as presents. She played with them but not at all in a "Oh my Babie is so cool and fashionable" sort of way. She just used them to act out whatever games she wanted. Often they were lined up as a pretend school class. On one memorable day the Barbies were all laying naked around an upturned tin lid. Apparently they were the girls from Malory Towers having a swimming lesson.

Also good luck with the gender neutral play. We aimed for this too. As a little girl I was more interested in cars and construction toys then dolls so I was keen not to enforce gender roles with the toys we bought. One Christmas we bought her a toy garage but she showed very little interest.

When she was about 8/9 she and I undertook a project to build a robot together from a magazine part work. I know DH was very interested but he deliberately kept away from it because he knew I wanted it to be a mother /daughter thing to try to promote the idea that electronics / robotics could be a girl thing and not just a thing a girl did with her Dad. She enjoyed it. But then one day I found she had used the lid from the laundry basket and some old baby blankets to make a nest for the robot and when asked said she wanted to make it all nice and comfy! I mean - how girly is that?

Gileswithachainsaw · 17/03/2015 13:51

How lovely that they gave her a gift. I dint understand why the MN tradition seems to be to rip apart every gesture made and turn it into some horrific indoctrination of a child. sometimes you all come across as joyless paranoid freaks.

as a PP said role play and independent play are important. my dd does it with sylvanian which btw have lost most their clothes so perhaps I'm teaching her to be a stripper? ??

dd2 who is 4 would love one as she likes to play with her sisters ones.

The activities thing is a separate issue.

wrt the gift just he normal and say thanks. bin it or burn it after if u so wish

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 17/03/2015 13:53

The fact it was a Bratz doll specifically aside (could it be a dig at you for complaining about the gender seperation during activities? You'll never know so can't act accordingly, but depending on the personality of the giver it might be something I'd wonder) it is a little off that somebody who is associated with your child in a formal capacity as a nursery employee (rather than great auntie Maud or no idea about kids childless cousin ... or whoever) chose a toy labelled 6+. Official childcare providers usually feel obliged to give vaguely educational and age appropriate gifts, if they give gifts at all... (our Kindergarten gives birthday gifts but they are along the lines of child's magnifying glass or special pen or little puzzle etc.) A Bratz doll probably isn't cheap either...

Under the circumstances I agree - thank generically for the present and give it to a charity shop. But it is odd...

Aeroflotgirl · 17/03/2015 13:53

My ds 3 years, tries to pull dd Monster High dolls hair and flings them about, I don't think he has a clue.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5