What do you think… is this an appropriate present for a 4-year-old?

[drkg]

Back-story: we work really hard to promote a gender-neutral environment at home. We’ve made a few complaints to nursery regarding this (e.g. girl-only activities for 3-year-olds). There’s only one term left.

This week: Our DD, for her 4th birthday, opened a Monster High doll. We had no idea what these were before, just saw a box, marked age 6+, inside a doll with make-up, short skirt, ridiculous body proportions, that looks both scary and yet sexy…

It was from her nursery teacher. We’re not sure if the nursery paid or if it was personal present. We were horrified with it and have stashed it away. (DD had no idea what it was and hasn’t missed it yet). DH thinks we should say nothing at all to nursery teacher. But, I feel awkward not saying thank you. DH argues that a thank-you is false and that if we say anything, we should mention we felt it was inappropriate. I can’t bring myself to do this.

I know this is minor. Don’t beat me up! But I really believe it is important to deliver positive messages to little ones and although I don’t think these dolls directly create anorexia or the like, I do find them sickly and they don’t seem to me to represent the values that I hold dear. I’d rather not have them in my house if I can help it. But I’m opening up to MN to hear other opinions. Are DH and I BU to feel uncomfortable with this present? Anyone else think it is inappropriate from a nursery teacher? And what should I do?

It's an inappropriate toy for a 4 year old in MY opinion, but people have very different ideas on this and it can be really hard for people who don't see a problem with gendered toys at all to understand what it is you are trying to avoid.

For instance, my MIL knew that I don't want my DD's to have Barbies (yet?) so she started sending them Disney character Barbies. My objection was that Barbie has huge breasts, a deformed waist and crazy legs and contribute to an unhealthy body image, but she thought it was the pink princess aspect that I disapproved of. Sometimes you just can't win! The worker probably thought "Oh, OP doesn't like pink. I'll get a doll that doesn't HAVE pink. Problem solved."

ironically if some is ds was clad head to toe in MH or barbie you'd all he congratulating yourself on a job well done.

how can you honestly sit there and fight one set of apparently inappropriate discriminatory rules by by instigating another set of discriminatory rules.

Kids play with dinosaurs and transformers too. I think they know they aren't real.

My main problem with this is your daughter was 4 and the teacher gave her a 6+ present!

*Sorry, but I have trouble with anyone who says that thanking someone for a well intended gift is 'false'. You're not saying you liked it. You're thanking her for her generosity, her good intentions and her kindness. Nothing more.

How is that false? Telling her you disapprove won't change anything except it would be really rude and upset her a lot.

I think it would be best to say thank you very much and not a word more.*

^This. Is your DH always so rude? If he gets a present he doesn't like does he refuse to thank the giver? Not a great gift but you don't have to throw all her other toys away and only let her play with that doll do you?

the age will be due to the small parts. We have MH dvds they are All rated U.

no one really pays attention to to that do they? unless the chikd is a baby and yku get it a ds or something then can't actually use I defy anyone to have a house kitted out purely on stuff that's age guided the same age as your child. do you equally stop your 6 yr old playing with a toy rated 3-4 years.

The age guideline was ignored which is a bit odd for a nursery teacher.

Not really the thing for a 4yo but it won't harm her.

I am a bit careful re those sorts of things - I let my dd have all the barbie/princess type stuff, but have discussed with her that they aren't real and that if they were, they actually wouldn't have room in their bodies for all the necessary organs etc! (My dd is a little older so understands).

A balanced approach is always needed because:

1. Your dd lives in this world and everything that is in it and she cannot be shielded forever
2. Problems can result from kids not fitting in (ie them having low self esteem etc, which was exactly what you might've been trying to avoid in the first place!)

At best, it was a hastily bought gift and at worst a passive aggressive crack at you because you'd complained previously about gendered stuff. The other alternative is that your dd told the nursery worker she didn't have any barbie dolls and the nursery worker felt sorry for her and fixed that.

I wouldn't bother saying thanks, I'd just forget about it and charity shop the doll if you don't want your dd to have it.

Really? And I thought I sweated the small stuff!

Get your DD to draw her a picture. Write "Thanks" across the bottom. Give the doll to charity.

Its a doll to play with, a monster so not even a human doll if you like. She will lose all the bits (or they'll end up up the hoover). Take all her clothes off and make her trot around the sofa doing whatever her imagination wants her to do. (Getting eaten by a big teddy bear or suchlike if she's anything like my dd)

I think these dolls look more mythical creatures/ Halloweeny. Yes, they're dressed in short skirts etc some of them, but hey, some people on the high street will be wearing clothing just like that. Who are we to judge?

Either silently get rid, if it offends you that much. Or just accept that your dd has a range of toys available to her and she can choose which of these toys she plays with. That's how i look at it when people buy my dd tat certain gifts.

And 6+ is not age appropriate, childcare should know better.

I would keep it in the cupboard (and let if find it's way to the charity shop) and say thank you v much to the teacher. If you can't bear to, say nothing.

No, it's not what I'd buy a 4 year old. But it was meant kindly. It's not unusual to give a doll as a present.

If it hadn't been a nursery teacher, another dc might have brought it as a birthday gift. We just put them away if we don't like them or think them appropriate. Job done.

It's definitely not something I'd think worthy of a complaint.

fyi alot of crayons are 36 months +

but I bet you all sit your toddlers on your lap for a scribble.

The dvds are all U as I said before

Monster high - probably not appropriate, would scare my almost 4 DD.

It's got nothing to do with you being focused on 'gender neutral' which is a nonsense in itself. Being anti monster high because it's inappropriate - short skirts etc - is fine, not because it isn't this "gender neutral" twaddle. If you had a son would you be reacting the same way to an action man toy?

Yes Giles but when I was a childminder I wouldn't have given a child 36 months + crayons as a present, nor to use - crayola do 12 month plus ones.

The thing that is odd is that the child's nursery worker - not a friend or relative but somebody whose connection is as a childcare worker - chose a 6+ toy as a 4th birthday present.

I love Monster High - mainly because they're cool but also - they tend to, in amongst the schmaltz promote pretty decent messages.

It focuses very much on people being different and not mattering if they have quirks.

There's one episode where the boys team pulls out of a roller derby so the girls take over because it doesn't have to be a male sport and do really well.

I can think of worse messages my daughter - who loves dolls and football - could be hearing.

With regards to the OP I'd think it was a slightly odd present from nursery but would just say thanks and keep to re-gift to an older friend/send to a charity shop/flog on ebay

I've never known people be so fired up about it though tbh.

giving a 6 yr old an 18 movie yes of course.

but most young lids play with all sorts at other people's houses without the parents jumping up and panicking because a 50 piece jigsaw was 3-5 years as opposed to a 25 piece 2+ one. same size pieces just slightly harder. so what.

Kids share bikes or scooters or pencils etc all the time. unless a child is very very young or has difficulties no one in any other situation that I've ever met has a problem with a kid playing with a toy with the exception of it perhaps being a bit dangerous and containing something sharp.

It's being needlessly used as a stick to beat someone either Imo.

alot of 4 yr olds with older siblings will be well aware if monster high and the dvds are U rated so not scarey

most people would just keep it in a cupboard or something if the age thing suddenly at that moment mattered despite all the age toys above and below the kid plays with on a daily basis

Ironic.

The monster high franchise was made to promote the fact that everyone is different and should be accepted for who they are - the motto behind the monster high brand is 'be unique, be yourself'

Why are people banning things they don't agree with, is it not the choice of your children what they like/dislike and identify with? My son was Thomas the tank engine mad, we lived and breathed the bloody things for years. I hated them but they made him happy. Isn't that what being a parent is all about? As long as the toy can't hurt the child just let them play with it if they want to.

Not sure people post here because they are "fired up" Giles - more because it's something they are pondering or that catches their eye whilst half watching the kids play football or something ok that's just me

Of all the presents in all the shops a Monster High doll labelled 6+ is a distinctly odd one for a childcare key worker to actively pick out for her charge's 4th birthday. A puzzle with a 5+ label might have been chosen with specific knowledge that it is appropriate to a just 4 year old who is good at puzzles, but quite why a childcare worker would chose the Bratz doll is not so clear!

Cluing everyone is different within a very narrow range though - all the same body shape for example.

it is most probably from the teacher.

you can really only say thank you, and appreciate the kindness of the gesture with good grace.

anything else would be a slap in the face.

Had to look these up as had never heard of them. They are uniformly painfully thin looking creatures with skeletal limbs and giant heads. Not unique / alternative at all and do look a bit anorexic. I would probably mention to the teacher that you think DD is a bit young for the doll. I don't think you sound at all bolshy or unreasonable OP so imagine you would do this politely.

clueing, I completely agree when you when you say that it isn't the choice of parents what their DCs will like / identify with, but when your DC is 4 you have a little more input. I don't see where the OP has said her DD likes / identifies with Monster High anyway. Am I being stoopid (probably)? I thought it was the teacher who chose it, not DD?

You're right Decaff, but by deliberately keeping your children away from something which, afaik, is one of the biggest franchises around at the moment, just because it's something you don't agree with, you're taking away that choice. In the same way that I'm a vegetarian, but I have always cooked and fed my children meat, as it's a moral decision of mine, not theirs.

No, it's inappropriate, as others have said. Especially thoughtless if you've already had explicit discussions about this kind of thing. But you should probably grit your teeth and say thank you for the present; I imagine she thought your daughter would enjoy it.

I have the same aims as you for bringing up my children. My fabulous, caring, lovely childminder bought my daughter a book called 'Stories for Three Year Old Girls' recently. It's pretty offensive to me - stories about girls fighting over pretty necklaces, conjuring up pretty sparkly shoes, being afraid of storms etc, being disappointed because not everything at a party is pink - it's pretty much every dull negative stereotype of female children. My daughter of course bloody loves it and I have to grit my teeth through the bad grammar every evening. I wish I had hidden it in a cupboard, but then my daughter loves it and she's not getting those messages reinforced at home or anywhere else if I can help it. She wants to be a red arrow pilot.

The doll though... I'd have to get rid of that to charity.

I like monster high more than boring princessy barbies, my 5 year old likes them. Possibly a bit young at 4 for the ghoulish concepts, but they are just dolls.

At 3 year olds Christmas party all girls got a barbie. Dd got a ballerina with built in pants thank god. Some got short skirt no knickers barbies (nicknamed by friend 'soho barbie'). So I would consider this the height of good taste in comparison ;)

Och some of the comment here are very judgmental! The op has not said that she looks down on people who are more relaxed at princesses etc, just that she's striving for a gender neutral home environment. Live and let live people, and rest assured that Disney princesses are not suffering from widespread neglect by the under 5s.

With regard to the gift, if the nursery had no idea about your parenting preferences I'd say that you should just thank the lady and move on. But it sounds like she did or should have known that this wasn't appropriate for your daughter. Because of that I think it's worth raising with the nursery - in a factual not in an aggressive way. Especially as the present appears to have been bought from a central fund and so was effectively paid for by the op anyway.

Why raise it with the nursery at all? That would be supremely precious and rude. It was just a gift, not a life-style choice. Thank them, get rid of it, move on. Shut up.

I like MH dolls as they come in different colours not just Barbie white