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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be really cross about DC Lunch Box's being questioned at Parents Evening?

82 replies

KKCupCake · 15/03/2015 18:22

Hi All. Happy Mothers Day :)

OK so I've been stewing about this since Wednesday's Parents Evening. Everything was OK until our Twin DS teacher (who is also the head) said 'it's difficult to talk about weight' And started waffling on about Lunch Boxes. I don't actually know what she was trying to say and was so hurt/embarrassed/shocked I just sat there dumbstruck. She was saying at the same time our DD (9) was overweight (she's no lithe flower but certainly not obese) and that she felt our DS (7) 'needed feeding up almost' She then went on to tell us off about a situation where we forgot to put the sandwiches in ONE time and had to take them in at lunch time. And one time when our DD thought she was being clever taking the last piece of rocky road, she had been told WASN'T there, from the fridge for her Lunch Box which was actually half an onion. The teacher said 'I know we laughed about the onion, but ...' like there was some underlying issue. She then said to me how she had 'an agreement' with 'certain other families' where if the school felt ' the children were hungry' they would give them a school lunch but that they needed our agreement that should that happen we'd pay for it - actually as I write this I'm so cross I'm crying! - It would be funny if it wasn't for the fact that in our life we eat wholefood and I cook from scratch every day and that for my job I run an Artisan Micro Bakery!

I usually put in the DC Lunch boxes, a roll with chicken/cheese/tuna etc, a banana, a piece of cake and a drink, everything is homemade. This is what they'd have at home for lunch at the weekend. Since Parents evening I've felt obliged to add extra stuff like extra fruit, popcorn and biscuits. Our DC are eating it all which makes me feel AWFUL because I'm thinking was I underfeeding them? But it turns out they're eating half of it at break time anyway. I feel like all my trust in the school has gone and I'm really upset by the piss poor way the teacher handled it as I don't actually know what she was trying to say. I also that I feel I've agreed to my DC being packed with a cheap n nasty processed school lunch any time the school feels like it.

What should I do? Make an appointment ask for clarification from the head? Write a letter? Ask casually at the door? Am I being AIBU? Am I in fact doing the wrong thing giving my DC the Lunch Box I do? AIBU? And either way - any advice, experience? Thanks x

OP posts:

LucilleBluth · 15/03/2015 18:27

I don't quite understand the situation. They think the DCs are underfed/over Fed?

meglet · 15/03/2015 18:29

so she's implying one dc is overweight and one is underweight? and obviously it's all your fault?

steff13 · 15/03/2015 18:29

So, do they think your daughter is getting too much and your son not enough?

tootsietoo · 15/03/2015 18:30

Aaaaaargh! I feel your pain! My DD1 (8) is "clinically obese" according to the NHS, and therefore I give her packed lunches so I can control what she eats. However, NO ONE at school has ever commented on her weight. DD2 is "normal" according to NHS yet at parents evening last year her class teacher asked me if she had eating issues because she is so thin and she could see all her ribs!!! FWIW, they both eat pretty normally. I guess the schools do have a responsibility towards their pupils' health but I think it's a bit harsh to comment on body shape and eating unless there is fairly clearly a problem. Your packed lunches are pretty much what I give DD1, although I omit the cake! I think a tuna roll and a piece of fruit are more than enough for her. With the cake, it surely should be enough for any 9 year old? What are they expecting? White bread jam sandwiches, a chocolate bar, a packet of crisps and a fruit shoot?

MrsFlannel · 15/03/2015 18:30

I agree with Lucille in that I don't quite understand the issue she had...was it that she thought DD was overweight but DS under? If so why is she asking the DC have more food?

AChickenCalledKorma · 15/03/2015 18:31

Your usual lunch sounds absolutely fine to me.

Honest question - is your DD overweight? I speak as the mother of a nine year old girl whose weight has crept up without us really noticing, to the point where she has become a bit overweight. Not obese - just overweight, and we're trying to do something about it.

In your position, I'd make an excuse to check both children's height and weight. Assuming they are in the normal range, try and forget about it and make your normal packed lunch. Don't add extras just to please the Head. There are an awful lot of children (including mine ) who have got into the habit of eating too much food and your Head's view might be skewed by what has become "normal".

Or make an appointment and ask her calmly to explain what her problem is in words of one syllable, because you don't understand where she's coming from!

MrsFlannel · 15/03/2015 18:31

I agree by the way that a sandwich, fruit and cake is hardly a starvation lunch!

1moreRep · 15/03/2015 18:32

Ok so you are upset but the school is just raising a concern, they have to if they think it needs addressing. People getting annoyed about school getting too involved with packed lunches etc forget that there have been a few cases of child neglect and starvation which have happened because this involvement didn't happen. The teachers can loose their jobs and face prosecution if they are found not to be safeguarding children. Its a result of the society that we live in that everyone blames the schools or hospitals or anything else for the failings of the parents, the school will be doing this to protect themselves from this.

The school have to raise something if they have concerns.

If your dd is over weight that is a health concern also which the school may have felt a need to address, I would stop being so sensitive as if you know your children are healthy and are not over fed or starved then don't let this bother you.

MissDuke · 15/03/2015 18:32

It is confusing. I also don't know why they are having cake and biscuits every day, even if it is home made? Could you try cheese, natural yoghurt, homemade flapjack, pancakes etc? It does sound like a horrible experience on Wednesday night. I find it hard to believe though that the school mean for you to give your children more biscuits.

MyHaloIsChokingMe · 15/03/2015 18:34

Make an appointment to see her would be my advice. It sounds as if you were very shocked and didn't really understand what issues she was trying to raise. Get it clear in your head what you want to ask at the meeting before you go in.

ClumsyNinja · 15/03/2015 18:36

Rather than stewing about it, make an appointment to see the head to clarify what she was trying to say. Certainly, don't let it upset you to this extent. I'm sure it's not that big a deal and just rescind any agreement you might have made about the school dinners, if you want to.

Personally, I don't give a flying fig what anyone thinks about my child's lunch box. (5 yr old). They're generally crap because he doesn't eat anything that I put in them. Occasionally a bread stick or a small sausage.

He has his school milk at midday and this fills him up so he's not interested in lunch. He finishes school at 2pm so I usually give him something light then and tea about 6pm.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 15/03/2015 18:44

I would ask for clarification. I once had a call from school saying my DD's lunchbox didn't have enough in it. She was polishing off all the sides but not eating the sandwiches which I pointed out to them. The school nurse had also just sent me the letter saying she was 85 centile for weight (so just the right side of overweight). I said it didn't seem possible that she was 85 centile for weight and yet underfed. The teacher luckily agreed. Mind the reason she let it drop was because she was on the list for school lunches the following term.

aquashiv · 15/03/2015 18:44

What do your children say - are they hungry/eating their food before lunch time?
The half an onion, that should have been rocky road, is very funny.

dixiechick1975 · 15/03/2015 18:48

Can you check your children's height and weight then you know if there is an issue. It sounds as if you are sending more than enough nice food yet school think you are not. Could the children be throwing it away or saying they have forgotten lunch as they are embarrassed by homemade everything (eg if all the others have white bread and crisps) or could the cake be being confiscated by an over jealous dinner lady? I'd then ask to speak to school to clarify and say you will send roll, fruit and drink each day and that is a healthy lunch and you won't pay for school lunches.

FrancesNiadova · 15/03/2015 18:57

I read it that there have been a few issues over lunch boxes & that the teacher was trying to talk around the issue to see if there was an underlying problem.
As I understand it, this is part of her job. The law has now changed & anyone who works with children or vulnerable adults has to report any welfare concern that they might have. It sounds like the teacher was trying to talk to you to see what was behind the accidents with the lunchboxes. If there was an issue & she'd not done anything g about it, it would be terrible teacher couldn't care less about her pupils.
Sounds to me like she's in a no win situation.

FrancesNiadova · 15/03/2015 18:59

Don't know why Kindle felt it necessary to add an extra g. Perhaps it was a silent g as in gnome!

TheFullGammon · 15/03/2015 19:28

Hm, I think I'd ask for a meeting to clarify. I'm not sure what she was implying but I'm sure it wasn't "not enough biscuits". Maybe not enough veg? But I'd have thought loads of lunchboxes are low on veg because some DC don't eat much of it.

Original poster

KKCupCake · 15/03/2015 19:35

I don't know what she was trying to say either =/ I'm hoping it may be their safeguarding policy coming into play, which I have no issue at all with and I'm glad if that is the case. However I just don't understand why she didn't just say 'these are the concerns we have' so we could say, OK thanks well this is what the situation is. The school knows they get breakfast as they go to breakfast club. She made me feel like I've done something horribly wrong and that is probably why i'm so upset! I think I will make an appointment to discuss what she feels the issues are. I just want this whole thing straightened out. Is my DD overweight - she is stocky and tall with a belly but everywhere else is not skinny, just normal I think anyway. She has a little potbelly on her and is chunky which probably counts as being overweight. I can't help you understand what the issues are that she has though as I don't know myself. DS are slim but certainly not skin and bones. As I explained to the head all the women in our family are fairly stocky and the men are slim. I want to get to the bottom of this so I can stop feeling like a terrible neglectful parent.

OP posts:

peutetre · 15/03/2015 19:38

Sounds like the couple of occasions when their lunch has not been as you planned have sowed the seed of doubt in her mind. I also read that she really wanted to discuss your DDs weight but ended up talking about lunch boxes instead.

Original poster

KKCupCake · 15/03/2015 19:38

urgh that makes no sense to me and I wrote it! I know more biscuits are not the answer, it was just what I happened to have in. They were oat and cranberry if that helps? Re veg, they have fruit and salad on their sandwiches, not sure they'd eat carrot sticks without peanut butter which is banned from Lunch Boxes.

OP posts:

Original poster

KKCupCake · 15/03/2015 19:48

When I say 'cake' I mean something sweet, it is sometimes, cookies, rocky road, sponge, flapjacks, fruited tea-cakes, banana muffins. We are doing something about our DD's weight, however as a child I was constantly told by Grandparents 'when are you going to lose that weight' and 'you would be so pretty if you lost that puppy fat' It really made me feel so fat and ugly and looking back on pictures now I was like my DD stocky but not massively overweight. Also like my DD I was very sporty. However by the time I was a teenager my self esteem was so low I ballooned and was obese. So knowing how awful and damaging that kind of input is we just ensure portion control and limit sugar. The cake in their lunch box is the only cake they have all day, they have fruit salad and yogurt if they pud after dinner. No-one clears their plate at dinner time which leads me to believe they're not ravenous ... I'm second guessing everything though.

OP posts:

Original poster

KKCupCake · 15/03/2015 19:50

We're also a very active family and walk a lot together with our pooch and they play outside a lot. I'm not a terrible Mum, honestly!

OP posts:

MinceSpy · 15/03/2015 19:52

KK I'm truly stunned. No mention of your dcs educational achievements or needs?

MrsFlannel · 15/03/2015 19:56

OP I posted the other day about my Dd who is "within the healthy range for weight and heigt" according to the NHS who weighed her at school...but she has a pot belly.

In our case it is lack of excersise and too many sugary foods.I KNOW it is. No child needs a pot belly. I am upping my DDs excersise....a walk with the dog isn't enough. They need at least an hour of proper running about...or riding bikes or whatever it is that makes them breathless.

Crazyqueenofthecatladies · 15/03/2015 19:56

Overweight children don't look like the 200lb Man though do they? They look stocky with little extra bellies, healthy kids actually do look pretty gawky and sometimes even skinny. We're just forgetting that's what kids are supposed to look like as all ages are piling on the pounds. If the mum can admit to suspecting their child is stocky most others would probably say they were fat. Sorry if that's blunt but so many parents seem to have problems coming to terms with their kids weight gain.

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