AIBU to be really cross about DC Lunch Box's being questioned at Parents Evening?

[KKCupCake]

Hi All. Happy Mothers Day :)

OK so I've been stewing about this since Wednesday's Parents Evening. Everything was OK until our Twin DS teacher (who is also the head) said 'it's difficult to talk about weight' And started waffling on about Lunch Boxes. I don't actually know what she was trying to say and was so hurt/embarrassed/shocked I just sat there dumbstruck. She was saying at the same time our DD (9) was overweight (she's no lithe flower but certainly not obese) and that she felt our DS (7) 'needed feeding up almost' She then went on to tell us off about a situation where we forgot to put the sandwiches in ONE time and had to take them in at lunch time. And one time when our DD thought she was being clever taking the last piece of rocky road, she had been told WASN'T there, from the fridge for her Lunch Box which was actually half an onion. The teacher said 'I know we laughed about the onion, but ...' like there was some underlying issue. She then said to me how she had 'an agreement' with 'certain other families' where if the school felt ' the children were hungry' they would give them a school lunch but that they needed our agreement that should that happen we'd pay for it - actually as I write this I'm so cross I'm crying! - It would be funny if it wasn't for the fact that in our life we eat wholefood and I cook from scratch every day and that for my job I run an Artisan Micro Bakery!

I usually put in the DC Lunch boxes, a roll with chicken/cheese/tuna etc, a banana, a piece of cake and a drink, everything is homemade. This is what they'd have at home for lunch at the weekend. Since Parents evening I've felt obliged to add extra stuff like extra fruit, popcorn and biscuits. Our DC are eating it all which makes me feel AWFUL because I'm thinking was I underfeeding them? But it turns out they're eating half of it at break time anyway. I feel like all my trust in the school has gone and I'm really upset by the piss poor way the teacher handled it as I don't actually know what she was trying to say. I also that I feel I've agreed to my DC being packed with a cheap n nasty processed school lunch any time the school feels like it.

What should I do? Make an appointment ask for clarification from the head? Write a letter? Ask casually at the door? Am I being AIBU? Am I in fact doing the wrong thing giving my DC the Lunch Box I do? AIBU? And either way - any advice, experience? Thanks x

Sounds really bizzare.The lunches sound perfect to me.Make an appointment to see her and the year head.I really don't see what the problem is and it's very unfair that you are sitting at home in tears because of this.

Im confused, so your daughter is over weight and she stole cake thinking it was cake,but it wasn't it was an onion?
And your son is underweight and they suggested if sandwiches are forgotten they can provide a meal?
And your upset about her suggesting that theres some issues with your children and food?
Sorry but its their job to highlight concern, even if its something of nothing.
Call the school book an appointment and then ask the teacher for clarification.
Also measure and weigh your DD see if she is over weight? If she is doesn't make you a terrible parent, just try and find a solution.

Why don't you just weigh your daughter and look back in the red book they get as babies and work out if she is overweight for her height. I did this recently for ds1 and he was dead on average so now I feel a lot better.

Mince Just that the DS's Handwriting needed improving and then launched into this.

I didn't know that MrsFlannel. I know they have at least an hour of running about at school and we usually spend 3-4 hours walking on a Sunday (we live in mid wales very green!) Whilst we walk our DC run and chase and get muddy and spend the whole time out of breath or squealing! On a Saturday I work so DP spends the day with them and they mostly spend it on their scooters or skateboards outside. We don't have any computers games as I think they're too young and so they're always charging about inside too. I think I might make an appointment at the Docs for some advice for all 3 DC. :)

KK that's disgusting, education should come first.

You can't really tell what the lunches are actually like from a description.

These threads always end badly as no one ever says 'my child is obese' they are always stocky, chunky, puppy fat etc They invariably exercise regularly and eat endless fruit and veg. It doesn't quite compute.

I don't think schools bring these issues up just for the heck of it - I am sure they would rather not . There does seem to be a massive blind spot though in actually accepting what is said at face value. I am not talking specifically about the OP here some of these comments maybe totally unjustified but probably not all

Plus homemade while laudable is not always healthy - I was told last week a sticky toffee pudding was healthy as it was gluten free and made with unrefined sugar. Delicious yes but not healthy

I have a child in my class whose lunch consists of 3 small scotch eggs, a biscuit, a bag of hulahoops and a carton of juice. He rarely eats the scotch eggs, and often leaves the hulahoops. I have flagged it up to the Head, not so much for the content, but the fact that he's not eating much at all.

"The appropriate agencies are aware," is all I've been told.

you need to talk to the teachers, we can only guess along with you, especially as we can't see how big the rolls are etc. I think I'd weigh and measure the children, check theirs BMIs against guidelines, and then go and talk to a teacher. I think Peutetre might be onto something too.

ihate it could very well be that the child has sensory difficulties and can't eat in the dinner hall.Dd finds eating in school very difficult and sometimes doesn't eat. When stressed she doesn't eat and so any coaxing would make it worse. Her paed's advice is to not notice whether she eats or not and don't comment.
Dd's schools have always been aware of the issues and did what they could to help, offering her alternative places to eat, alternative times etc The best solution we have found is that she has a good breakfast, a snack of her choosing in her bag to eat if she wants at some point and then the dinner with us at home.

I've spoken to him about it - he says he just doesn't like eating at school, so that resonates with what you say. He has more biscuits when he gets home, apparently. He doesn't like Scotch eggs, so I suggested he tell his mum that, so she doesn't keep giving them to him. Although I suspect it's not his mum who makes up his lunch. Might be an older sister. Or he does it himself sometimes too.

But, as I implied before, there are other issues going on here.

It's difficult though I'm sure that the dinner ladies thought I was pretty neglectful because dd's lunchbox was full of "treats" to tempt her rather than sandwiches and fruit and veg which she would never have touched. Even if there are other issues the boy's family could be doing their best to to get their child to eat. FWIW dd would say that she didn't like something because she didn't and still doesn't know how to explain why she can't eat.

the only cake they have all day

Cake is not a daily necessity! Once a week, Friday treat of cake sounds much more normal than every day.

You sound a wee bit in denial. Your dd prob is overweight and it'll get worse unless you act now. It takes a lot of gumption to raise the subject on the part of the professional. But rightly or wrongly that's how we do it these days.
Quit the daily sweet treats and exercise even more. That will help loads.

kkcupcake exercise is one of the most beneficial lifestyle things children can have however it does almost nothing to control weight from what I can see. I say this as someone monitoring everything I do on MFP and being constantly surprised by how few calories even intensive exercise uses up. Someone wrote on here that if you ran a marathon you accumulated the calories for 50 odd celebrations which obviously you would not eat in a single session but it is not an awful lot of calories. Don't get me wrong the exercise is great but types of food, portion size and minding treats is key to a good diet for everyone.

I think the teacher was clumsily telling you she is concerned about your children's weight. I would personally check their height and weight myself on the NHS website and take it from there. If there is a problem then address that if not just ignore the advice you have been given. Please don't be upset there may be no issue.

If you put in more and they eat it at break then that says to me that they ARE hungry and wanting more than you have been giving them. If they are eating at break now is it possible that they were doing the same before, thus making it look like their lunch only had two things?

IMO if you are giving more and it's getting eaten then they probably were hungry before.

I appreciate you saying you were shocked, but you should have addressed it properly at the time.

My kids don't get cake every day. Typical lunch is maybe thermos soup/pasta or sandwich/wrap, yoghurt/babybel, apple/banana/grapes, rice cakes/crackers, cucumber/carrot/baby corn with hummous. Once or twice a week maybe a biscuit or something sweet.

Some people think just because it's home made it is healthy. All that's in cake is stuff we shouldn't eat!

*hummus

I think the teacher communicated ineffectually, and that's why you are

A. Anxious and panicking
B. Second guessing everything
C. Have not a clue what on earth the teacher was on about.

You need to get clarification, and I hope the teacher gets some training and bravery to say what she actually means rather than say vague and odd thjngs that the parwnt is supposed to read sense between the lines and join up the conversational dots the teacher just sprayed everywhere!

I have read that communication to parents from all child protection focused agencies/ authorities (schools, hospitals, social services etc), is something that routinely falls down. Euphemisms, softly softly approaches, vague implications and unfinished sentences are not the way to convey important information, but it seems that's the way parents are spoken to and then it can come as a monumental shock when there are repercussions to the parents, as they just didn't understand what was happening. Not that this situation is like that, but the level of communication strikes a chord.

No one likes raising bad news, or making parents upset and angry by criticizing them... But really, professionals are just going to have to step up and do that part of their job effectively.

What the head teacher is trying to say is, "Times are hard, not everyone can afford to feed their children and even though they are not entitled to FSM we provide them if you need them".

To be fair the HT doesn't know whether you genuinely did forget the sandwiches or you couldn't afford bread and had to ask for tick at your local shop, sell something or borrow.

KK YANBU for feeling a bit at the way this issue was presented to you. I don't think it was inappropriate for the teacher to discuss the issue during parents evening, they evenings are not just for education but for all aspects of dc experience.
I would like others say that cake is not necessarily an everyday thing. I would say maybe add more fruit and vegetables not just a bit on the sandwiches.

It may put your mind at rest to visit your practice nurse and have the children's weights and heights plotted, it doesn't have to be a big deal and they will soon forget the visit if it is not replayed too much. You will then know where you stand with them weight wise. The your pn can also give you info on portion sizes etc.
Now is the ideal time to tackle dd stocky frame, it doesn't have to be done in a stigmatising way, whole family healthy eating challenge will take any emphasis away.

I think it's the schools sneaky way of getting their lunch box numbers down/school meal numbers up and therefor trying to get all the funding the school is entitled to. They have to hit an average of 95% or 85% or something?

I'd email and simply say thankyou for the kind offer to feed your son, however on reflection you are withdrawing your permission as you are happy with the previous set up.

But also. Kids shouldn't be getting cake or biscuits daily. Poor habit to get into! Even a banana is very sugary though

You'd be much better giving them lots of protein and veg, with some wholemeal carbs thrown in.

So wholemeal bun with a protein filling, lump of cheese or Greek yogurt, veg sticks with homous, apple

If they need a dip with their veg, experiment and find one they like. Or present the veg differently.

The fact your son looks fine yet they are pushing for him to have school meals stinks of manipulating school dinner uptake figures within the school. These figures are very important and effect funding

Personally I'd work out their percentiles for hight and weight once only for peace of mind. Because everyone has quite a warped idea of what a healthy weight is these days. Healthy figures in my mind is a more 1970's child shape

I would visit the practice nurse as Idefix suggests and then you know exactly what's what and act accordingly. Then you could e-mail the teacher saying that, following the concerns she has raised, you have sought medical advice and that, having had time to consider the situation, you would prefer to provide your own lunches for your children.

I get lots of comments about my "skinny" son and told I should be "feeding him up". Yes, I can see all his ribs, shoulder blades, hip bones etc. but he is 50th centile for height and over the 50th centile for weight so, whilst clearly not overweight neither is he "skinny". I think he just has quite a large frame which makes him look boney.