AIBU to be really cross about DC Lunch Box's being questioned at Parents Evening?

[KKCupCake]

Hi All. Happy Mothers Day :)

OK so I've been stewing about this since Wednesday's Parents Evening. Everything was OK until our Twin DS teacher (who is also the head) said 'it's difficult to talk about weight' And started waffling on about Lunch Boxes. I don't actually know what she was trying to say and was so hurt/embarrassed/shocked I just sat there dumbstruck. She was saying at the same time our DD (9) was overweight (she's no lithe flower but certainly not obese) and that she felt our DS (7) 'needed feeding up almost' She then went on to tell us off about a situation where we forgot to put the sandwiches in ONE time and had to take them in at lunch time. And one time when our DD thought she was being clever taking the last piece of rocky road, she had been told WASN'T there, from the fridge for her Lunch Box which was actually half an onion. The teacher said 'I know we laughed about the onion, but ...' like there was some underlying issue. She then said to me how she had 'an agreement' with 'certain other families' where if the school felt ' the children were hungry' they would give them a school lunch but that they needed our agreement that should that happen we'd pay for it - actually as I write this I'm so cross I'm crying! - It would be funny if it wasn't for the fact that in our life we eat wholefood and I cook from scratch every day and that for my job I run an Artisan Micro Bakery!

I usually put in the DC Lunch boxes, a roll with chicken/cheese/tuna etc, a banana, a piece of cake and a drink, everything is homemade. This is what they'd have at home for lunch at the weekend. Since Parents evening I've felt obliged to add extra stuff like extra fruit, popcorn and biscuits. Our DC are eating it all which makes me feel AWFUL because I'm thinking was I underfeeding them? But it turns out they're eating half of it at break time anyway. I feel like all my trust in the school has gone and I'm really upset by the piss poor way the teacher handled it as I don't actually know what she was trying to say. I also that I feel I've agreed to my DC being packed with a cheap n nasty processed school lunch any time the school feels like it.

What should I do? Make an appointment ask for clarification from the head? Write a letter? Ask casually at the door? Am I being AIBU? Am I in fact doing the wrong thing giving my DC the Lunch Box I do? AIBU? And either way - any advice, experience? Thanks x

It's actually very easy to work out their percentile online. All 4 of my kids are very skinny (bottom percentile for weight, 9th for height) and they are all healthy, energetic bright buttons and not even one health professional has ever raised a concern. I have never been concerned either as I have never considered bigger to be better.

You need clarification, they haven't explained at all well. Tbh my fist thought was if DD overweight/DS underweight and talking about lunches are they implying she takes some of his lunch? I seriously doubt that's what they were saying but it's very confusing.

I would skip the cake/cookies every day though and do only monday and friday or something. I could eat cake and cookies every day as could my DNs but neither of us really should and even though they are very skinny and active it's probably not best for them either. Could you try some humous, carrot sticks, flapjack, yoghurt instead?

Feeding them the same is the key though it obviously won't help one gain/lose weight if the same but it will stop them feeling different and focusing on their weight as such.

It's so difficult - all we have to go on is your posts, OP, and i hate to pick posts apart, but:

''The cake in their lunch box is the only cake they have all day, they have fruit salad and yogurt if they pud after dinner. No-one clears their plate at dinner time which leads me to believe they're not ravenous''

So - No one clears their plate at dinner and yet they get afters if they want.
and - Only ''one lot of (cake) sweet stuff all day''.

No need for sweet stuff every day, no need for pudding after a meal. Especially if they haven't cleared the plate!

Sometimes when trying to analyze your own family one cant see the wood for the trees. These two things above jump out at me as 'yes, we're so healthy ... except for just X Y Z of course, but that's nothing,' sort of thing. I imagine only very small changes will make a big difference to your DDs weight - over time.

I think yes, take the DCs to your doc for a weight height check up. They will reassure you, i expect, and give you some proper stats. so you can stop having to guess.

Can't help but agree with PPs - "the only cake they have all day" seems a bizarre comment. Cake every day doesn't seem normal healthy to me. (That said, I'll hold my hands up to being a lot little neurotic on my own "healthy eating" - not an 'everyday pud' person!)

However, if someone at school has had to overcome their own discomfort to point out your dd is overweight, I'd guess they didn't do it on a whim and you should give it due consideration.

None of that makes you a horrible, feckless mum! You clearly care - please try not to take it as an indictment of your parenting!

Our school dinners involve some sort of cake or biscuit most days. If too much cake were the problem, it certainly wouldn't get solved by school dinners round here!

I agree with what a couple of people have said.

Unless weight is no issue at all, cake or biscuits should be a once a week treat, if that, not daily. (I wouldn't even have cheese or nuts in the house if I wanted to lose weight.)

Exercise is a good thing for a variety of reasons, but no-one should count on it making much difference to weight. One has to control food and treat any calories burned by exercising as a tiny additional bonus that may or may not exist.

Hi All, Thanks for all the comments. I'm posting an update. I actually had a look at my DD without the parent goggles on and I can see that yes she is overweight and so my OH and I have made an appointment to see the Doc to see how bad it is and whether what we're doing, controlling her food intake and making sure she isn't sedentary, is right.

My OH called the head this morning as I felt I was too close to it, and asked for clarification regarding the conversation on parents evening. It had nothing to do with concerns about DC weight - apparently she was just trying to explain their concerns as 'the boys are so slight compared to their sister' So why she made such a big deal about it I have no idea. Head explained that the dinner ladies felt the lunchboxes were 'too scant' and that they were worried the children were hungry because 'they eat such a vast amount at Breakfast Club' This rang alarm bells with my OH who asked how much they actually eat. 'Oh we just let them eat toast (white sliced we learned) until they're full' Like this was a really good thing. Now for my DD who will eat until she vomits or gets bored this is a really bad thing - well for any child I think! Anyway my OH explained that we were adding some extra snacks now to compensate for the break time lunch box snacking and the Head said the dinner ladies had noticed and were really happy that we'd taken on board their concerns. We're taking the DC out of breakfast club, going to break it to them tonight, I expect tears.

Hi again, the DC don't always clear their plates if they don't feel hungry enough to and they are allowed fruit as an evening snack if they want it. This comes from me growing up in a house where I was told to clear my plate and did so whether I was full or not. As an adult I had a massive weight issue and had to learn to not over eat. I believe the plate clearing thing is why. I would much rather they leave some food and have a half a banana or something before they go to bed if they're hungry and be an adult with a strong ability to stop eating when they're full. However I'm not saying that is right. I do not feel like I'm able to pass judgement on the way any other parents raise their DC as I'm not an expert, I'm just trying to do my best - sometimes that isn't good enough I know that.

Yes I agree cake is a treat and probably should be a once a week thing. In our house it isn't. I did some research on the sugar swaps website and was amazed to learn that there is more sugar in a lowfat yogurt than there is in one of our homemade tea cakes.

Thanks for all your comments regarding the head teacher and how to deal with it. I have read all the comments and whilst I found some of them quite upsetting I still thank you for commenting as it is important to see things from every side otherwise we can't grow.

It's great you have clarification OP and are going to see the doctor. I think the Head obviously didn't feel comfortable trying to tell you and things got miscommunicated. Shame about Breakfast club but it gives you back that bit of control with their eating, the school can't monitor all the kids and if your DD does binge then better for her to have help with it.

I agree with the plate clearing things btw, both DH and I have the same issue for (we believe) that reason. My DNs get allowed fruit only as well if they don't eat dinner.

The cake everyday thing comes from a visit to my Food Therapist. Treat food on a regular basis makes it 'meh' rather than wow and should break the cycle of issues with emotional eating. I have struggled so much with food and I want that to cycle to stop with me.

White toast. How shit is that! I don't blame you for taking them out. They could at least offer brown bread and fruit!

I think you might be better to treat sweet foods as 'meh' if and when they pop up at parties etc rather than actually supplying them daily yourself iykwim. Emotional eating is behavioural and like a smoker they start to expect that sugar hit after a meal. I had coco pops and nutella sandwiches daily from age 5-18 (yes really!!!!) and have major issues with emotional eating/overeating and always sugar..

I spoke to a parent of a child I was v concerned about last yeae-cellulite at 8 and looking for others' leftovers while she was mid-sandwich. Her mum was v grateful as she needed 'someone outside to say it'. Apparently she ate lots of everything inc fruit and veg but adult portions and lots of eating out of boredom. By the end of the year she was noticeably slimmer. It's hard as a teacher to say it but hopefully it's the start of a positive change for your dd. Best of luck.

If your daughter is overweight why are you giving her cake and biscuits every day? That's likely why they're bringing it up.

Hi. A good way to tackle breakfast club issue I found was to give mine see breakfast bizarrely. My boys have weetabix and a banana at 6 am then at breakfast club they have a bowl of cereal and slice of toast. Otherwise they were eating their weight in toast and jam at school and I was getting comments from the teacher about not feeding them.

I don't think children need cake every day even if it is homemade. Can you try replacing the cake with some veg sticks and a yoghurt?

Sorry - just saw your updates. That's a bit shocking about breakfast club. I think you've made the right decision to take them out.

If you are substituting in a yoghurt avoid low fat - as you said it's full of sugar.

Weight is a very emotional issue, whether it's yours or your children's. OP I can quite see how you felt you were providing so well for your children with all your lovely homemade stuff. Very hurtful for the school to raise things. However a positive has come out of it and small changes may well change your dd's health. I hope you feel better about the matter now, sounds like a horrible experience.

Hi All. Update. Saw Nurse at surgery after school. DC both within 'normal' whatever normal is. Explained school situation to Nurse, she said they're fine and did a letter for the school stating that, basically telling them to butt out. Asked about DD looking stockier than she did and she said she's 'blooming early' which can make girls look bloated apparently. Jemima they wanted us to put MORE food in, not less, but thank you for your input.
This matter is now fully resolved as far as I'm concerned.

Cake AND biscuit every day is not healthy.
If they are having half at break it sounds like breakfast isnt enough.

I would wonder on your portion sizes if they aren't finishing dinner. Are they a bit of the filling side?

Well done for ringing and
Seeing nurse.

Greek yogurt doesn't have sugar. So Greek yogurt plus berries (which are a low sugar fruit option) would be a healthy pudding by way.

It's not just about the sugar though. The white wheat in cakes, white bread, pizzas, buns etc has no real nutritional value and you would find protein much healthier and filling. Wheat needs to be wholemeal.

My nutritionalist reckons we should be eating healthy 90% of the time which would leave you to give white bread, cake, crisps and other rubbish about 10% of the time. Working with this theory one meal every three days could be a naff one.

My concern about daily cake is that it's a poor habit to get into and carry into adulthood.

Well done for taking action. Now you know exactly what's what you can let the school know and you don't have to worry. At least it's drawn your attention to the rubbish they were being fed at breakfast time.

This will be my last post on this thread.

Yes I agree Ooooooooh re white flour. We use no white flour in any of our homemade cakes, pastries or breads. It's always, a mixture of oat, spelt and wholemeal flour, sometimes I add in Rye for the bread. I have also started using vegetable flours in our breads which are brilliant and very tasty.

I have to be really careful with too much protein as in our family we have low tolerance to high protein diets due to a genetic medical condition which creates a need for a loo when too much protein is consumed ... Not nice. It is also why we're so careful and eat no processed food.

Thinking about it, I suppose that's why forums like this can be so upsetting. Forum users see what the OP puts (this post wasn't 'do MNer's approve of the diet I feed my kids' it was about genuinely sought advice in dealing with a school issue) and it almost always goes off piste. Like most OP's I added to the OPost what I felt was relevant to the situation. I was seeking advice on this one situation.

Some of the advice was really helpful and supportive and I thank you for that. Some of it ... wasn't, actually I felt I spent more time reading why I should be publicly flogged the diet I was feeding my DC was wrong than I did reading how I could deal with the issue I was looking for advice on. I don't think I will post again, just read. Once upon a time MN was for support and advice, not an experience when one would steel themselves to view their thread. Makes me really it does.

Thanks again, this has been a learning experience for me, one from which I hope to grow.

I think it's very common to get mixed responses and people thinking about things from surprising angles. It can be quite scary!