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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who is BU here? Mother's Day, apparently it's my fault.....

102 replies

SmellsLikeBaconOutHere · 15/03/2015 11:33

My 1st MD. DD 9 months. Lovely card & present sent home from fab childminder. Await card from DP on behalf of DD.....crack on with morning housework etc. Get ready to walk dogs, DP says not coming. I get bit upset as last thing I want to do is head out on my own with DD & be surrounded by happy families out walking.....DP turns on me, Well how is he supposed to go out & buy a card or anything if I wont piss out of house? Etc Etc. So now I've been made to feel like I'm in the wrong & am upset & feel my day I was so looking forward to is a bit ruined. AIBU? How was I to read his mind & know that was the plan? Am I BU to think he could have gone to shop of his way home from work yesterday? Feeling sad about the whole thing now & just ignoring messages from everyone asking me how I'm being spoilt etc. Just a card would have chuffed me to bits beyond belief, not after presents or breakfast in bed. Just a card :-(

OP posts:

UncleT · 16/03/2015 01:22

Ah yes, IS and mother's day - how could we all have ignored the obvious link....

greenbean789 · 16/03/2015 01:50

I did get a lovely card from DH and DS, so I must be really ungrateful to complain. After being out with DS the whole day (DH'd been dropping hints all week that he wanted to watch football undisturbed today), plus food shopping and cooking a lovely meal in the evening, DH flies off the handle accusing me of controlling him, for me telling him not to drink too much before the dinner is ready. He does not have a drink problem, but I do not like to have a meal with a drunk person, especially that I was so looking forward to a Sunday dinner. Who is BU?

GingerCuddleMonster · 16/03/2015 08:18

Cyprus that well know IS strong hold .

CinderellaRockefeller · 16/03/2015 08:27

Did you go to him crying and tell him you were upset you didn't get a Mother's Day card before or after the falling out?

Staywithme · 16/03/2015 08:41

I'm sorry you had a shit Mother's Day OP. I know the childminder got you a card but that's not the same as your husband showing appreciation, after all that's what your really seeking, isn't it. Just a small acknowledgement that you're doing a good job raising your baby. I assume he expects nothing for Father's Day?

How many of those posters that say you're being unreasonable don't bother getting their partners something for Father's Day? It may be a hallmark day but it's also a day to show appreciation to your partner. At what age do you expect your child to start showing kindness and appreciation to you or your partner? 3, 9, 15? I wonder if so many of the posters are dismissive as a way to mask the hurt caused by their own partners being selfish?

mildlyacquiescent · 16/03/2015 08:48

You aren't your husband's mum, though.

I really don't get this angst.

You sound childish to get so upset over not getting a (Second) card.

mildlyacquiescent · 16/03/2015 08:50

To staywithme, of COURSE I don't get my husband a card on Father's Day. How Freudian that would be!

Our child is a loving little dot and perfectly capable of showering us with affection every day, truly. We don't need Hallmark to nominate a day upon which we give them 5.99 on a piece of shiny cardboard.

m0therofdragons · 16/03/2015 08:57

I never expect anything other than cards dds make at nursery and school but this year dh did make a photo album - we do every year so it just tied in with mother's day. in our house it's more about me getting a lay in and then having a family day out that dh plans. Dh didn't book anywhere to eat but we got a chip shop dinner after a day at the beach and took a pic nic - dh made this but with my assistance. Sounds like op was more upset by lack of planning our any thought on dh's behalf.
When dc are too young to understand it's more a chance for dh to say you're an amazing mum - we all need to hear that occasionally.

Thymeout · 16/03/2015 09:23

I'm sorry, OP, but I would have found 'a few tears' and an 'I had hoped...' unbelievably infuriating. Especially if it hadn't occurred to me to buy you a card, because....you're not my mother. And your baby is too young to helped to mark the day.

If that's the pattern of your rows, you both need to work on it.

The tradition seems to be changing. I didn't get what nolim calls 'a decent mother's day' till my own mother died, aged 94. If, by 'decent', she means the whole day revolving round me. The focus used to be on the generation above.

I don't get 'the first Mother's Day' thing. It doesn't mean anything till your dc's are able to think for themselves.

But, if your relationship has its flaws, then it's another opportunity, for expectations to be disappointed.

Staywithme · 16/03/2015 09:35

To staywithme, of COURSE I don't get my husband a card on Father's Day. How Freudian that would be!

As it wasn't obvious to you, I meant a card on behalf of their baby. But if you want to be asinine about it go ahead. My boys and their wee sis are adults now but would occasionally need reminders that it is their siblings or our birthdays. My, very ill, husband still reminded them it was Mother's Day, because he wants them to show appreciation to me. He took them shopping when they were younger and helped them choose a card as he wanted them to grow up to be kind, appreciative young adults.

Missdread · 16/03/2015 09:35

GingerCuddleMonster read the news. You'll see UK troops have been there since August flying daily missions to Syria and Iraq. Educate yourself, go on!

Missdread · 16/03/2015 09:43

wanttosqueezeyou RAF not army and oh YAWN how many times have I heard that one? His choice to join so suck it up sister? Anyway, this isn't what the thread is about. Such lovely supportive people today!

SurlyCue · 16/03/2015 10:58

missdread im not really sure you can berate others for being unsupportive given your own response to OP.

nottheOP · 16/03/2015 11:09

I'm with you op. I pointed out on Facebook that lots of gestures were being shared. Dh response was 'do you want me to write on Facebook?'

No. Just some acknowledgement that you think I'm doing okay at this mothering thing, because you never say so otherwise.

Shall be remembering this in June.

Hathall · 16/03/2015 11:27

Some people are so joyless. What's wrong with a little something to bring a little bit of happiness into someone's life? The daily grind can really bring you down sometimes.
I think it's nice to have a little reminder to appreciate someone in your life.

Op, your dh doesn't sound very pleasant but maybe he just didn't realise that's what you wanted. Hopefully he will for next year. If not then let him know.

AnyFucker · 16/03/2015 11:31

op, is your partner always a rude, thoughtless twat ?

PlumpingIsQuiteUpForThud · 16/03/2015 11:37

Your partner behaved like an arse in the way that he spoke to you. That is unacceptable, or at least should be.

Do you speak the same way to him? Is it the norm in your house? If so then that would be a bit different.

chocolatemademefat · 16/03/2015 14:02

Of course you wanted him to make a bit of an effort especially as its your first mother's day. You adnbu no matter what some people on here are saying! It amazes me on here what people come up with. Your husband is being an arse. Remember his behaviour when fathers day comes.

LePetitPont · 16/03/2015 15:51

Definitely NBU. There are some really miserable people on here. As PP have said, nothing wrong with showing the mother of your child appreciation and a bit of a thoughtful gesture, especially if the child is too young to do it themselves.

Fwiw, OP, I too had a shitty first Mothering Sunday. My 'D'H announced on Friday evening he was going to go into work, after he'd said we'd spend the day as a little family of 3 (he has worked every Sunday since Christmas). I had previously blown off my own mother's invitation to spend the day with them. The only reason I got a card was because we popped into the supermarket on Saturday evening - apparently walking past a paperchase twice a day isn't enough of a prompt to get a card. No present / flowers etc. We had a terrible night with the boy with H huffing and puffing at my attempts to soothe him - I got up with him in the end. H managed to make me breakfast before he went to work then the boy and I went to a farmers market for treats for me and I got myself some flowers on his behalf. H came home with a present for the baby (?) but had got stuck in traffic so not managed to get to M&S for flowers / dinner. He then ate all the nice pork pie I had bought for myself. And then offered to put the boy down for the night to give me a break but failed and I had a hysterical baby on my hands. Thanks, darling.

And there were all my new mum peers posting there lovely flowers and activities on Facebook.

This does go beyond just mothering Sunday, of course, but this kind of day comes with expectations.

LePetitPont · 16/03/2015 15:53

(*their not there, of course.

liquidstateisonthemulled · 16/03/2015 15:58

OP are we married to the same man?? except I didnt get a card from the childminder as she starts next week

I agree its about expectations. Guarranteed DH will get the arse if I forget fathers day.

Thymeout · 16/03/2015 19:07

Some people just don't do the fluffy stuff. I have two sons. The whole family came round for Sunday lunch. One son arrived with flowers and a card, the other carried a hacksaw, with which he mended my garden gate.

I love them both equally. I'd hate to think he'd feel obligated to come up with some sentimental mush, which we'd both find cringeworthy, just because of a date in the calendar.

And I think competitive posting on Facebook has a lot to answer for.

GingerCuddleMonster · 16/03/2015 19:16

missdread oh believe me I'm well educated with a partner in the forces, who is on a couple of hours notice of deployment to actually place boots on the ground in strong holds and raid compounds. my point was Cyprus is not dangerous and air strikes rarely go wrong. Busting in to a conpund in the wee hours of the morning with a rifle and some body armour for me is classed as fighting in a stronghold.

frumpet · 16/03/2015 20:16

MD seems to bring out the 'how dare you expect a man to give a fuck ' brigade in heaps , which of course is absolutely fine if you believe in that or are happy to put up with people not being arsed to show a tiny bit of appreciation once in a while . I know there are a hell of a lot of women out there who routinely do the whole family thing for 365 days of the year and get a tiny bit upset if the person who they made the family with cannot be bothered to take half an hour out of their 8,760 to just buy a card and maybe a token gift . How do we all stand on birthdays , for children and adults ? I mean for God's sake you gave your children the gift of life , why should the greedy little fuckers expect anything else ............

riveravon23 · 16/03/2015 20:22

I did not receive Mother's Day cards until my children were grown up enough for buy them. It was never an issue, despite always sending them to my mum and MIL. However, had it been an issue I would have let my husband know how it upset me. So just communication really, or lack of.

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