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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU here? Mother's Day, apparently it's my fault.....

102 replies

SmellsLikeBaconOutHere · 15/03/2015 11:33

My 1st MD. DD 9 months. Lovely card & present sent home from fab childminder. Await card from DP on behalf of DD.....crack on with morning housework etc. Get ready to walk dogs, DP says not coming. I get bit upset as last thing I want to do is head out on my own with DD & be surrounded by happy families out walking.....DP turns on me, Well how is he supposed to go out & buy a card or anything if I wont piss out of house? Etc Etc. So now I've been made to feel like I'm in the wrong & am upset & feel my day I was so looking forward to is a bit ruined. AIBU? How was I to read his mind & know that was the plan? Am I BU to think he could have gone to shop of his way home from work yesterday? Feeling sad about the whole thing now & just ignoring messages from everyone asking me how I'm being spoilt etc. Just a card would have chuffed me to bits beyond belief, not after presents or breakfast in bed. Just a card :-(

OP posts:
SylvaniansAtEase · 15/03/2015 11:57

You're not being unreasonable. What you've expected here is standard for a great partner. Not so much for a shit partner. He seems to be the latter (ref jobs, housework, mouthful of abuse).

Sorry. I'd go out with your DD and tell him not to bother. Oh, and don't get him a FD card either.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 15/03/2015 11:57

was just hoping for a card as a keepsake really. Sorry if that seems U.

But OP you did get a card.

^^^

This. Precisely this. You did get one or does it need to be a shop brought one to count

keepsmiling2015 · 15/03/2015 11:57

He was probably planning something nice and waiting for you to go out. But you ruined it by making a big deal about him not coming.

glenthebattleostrich · 15/03/2015 12:00

Because she is the mother of his child and its nice for that to be acknowledged.

My DH isn't my father but I make sure he has a card and present from DD on fathers day cos you know I actually give a shit about him.

Nolim · 15/03/2015 12:00

Clara if i may ask something: is the expectations that dc do all mothers/fathers day stuff or that the ofher parent helps?

It is not a rethorical question, i am seriously baffled since where i am from the spouse helps the kids to spoil their mum. If that is not the case here in the uk then it means that parents dont get a decent mother/fathers day until their dc are grown.

letscookbreakfast · 15/03/2015 12:02

Sorry OP but i'm with others on this, you already have a card so why do you want another one? I appreciate that your partner was rude and I'm not excusing him but how did you speak to him, were you pissed off about the card?

ThursdayLast · 15/03/2015 12:03

I don't think you are being U.

The card from the childminder isn't a token of appreciation from within your family.
Of course a 9mo doesn't get it, but it would have been a nice gesture from DH.
I guess you'll both have to be a bit more upfront in the future. Simmering resentment and hidden expectations don't get anyone anywhere

soontobemumofthree · 15/03/2015 12:05

You did get a card. You want multiple cards from a 9 month old? No you want a Mother's Day card from your OH. Does OH appreciate your PhD, 2 jobs and 90% housework?
He was rude but I would say how would he know you were expecting him to get a card pretending it was from your daughter to express his appreciation at what a lot of work you have got on?

AlternativeTentacles · 15/03/2015 12:05

Well how is he supposed to go out & buy a card or anything if I wont piss out of house?

Why do you have to piss off out of the house in order for him to buy a card for you? Do you live in the only card shop in town?

engeika · 15/03/2015 12:05

Still don't get it. You are not his mother. Your kids will appreciate you when you grow - and that is what is nice.

If you don't feel appreciated by your DP then that is a whole different issue - and no amount of cards will rectify that - it is about two adults sorting out a partnership.

My son said "Happy Mother's Day Mum" and gave me hug. My DD is away - she may text, she may not. But when I was injured over the summer and immobile and in pain both my kids, (13, 16), gave up much of their summer fun activities to run the house, help me get around, get me books to read and nice things to eat - and that is quite a sacrifice for teens whose friends are having fun in the holidays. That is about showing that they have appreciated what I did when they were little and still do for them.

I shall not be seeing my mum or getting her flowers - but I care for her now she is ill - even though it is hard, expensive, time-consuming - because she is my mum.

I'm sorry but all this fuss over cards diminishes the whole concept of motherhood and what it really means.

SurlyCue · 15/03/2015 12:07

I am a lone parent but every year my own mother makes sure my dcs have something to give me on mothers day and my exp's mother texts me to tell me im a great mother and to have a great day. I am neither of their mothers but it is really nice to know that someone notices im doing a good job, it has also taught my Dcs to show appreciation as their family have modelled it for them. I think its important for spouses to teach their DC to appreciate their parent when they are small.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 15/03/2015 12:07

This is why mothers day is such a load of shit. Thousands of expectant grown women getting their knickers in a twist over a card! Commercialism at its finest!

He should not have spoken to you like that though, for that, he is a cunt.

Mrscog · 15/03/2015 12:07

This is more about your unequal relationship than Mother's Day. I'd tackle that to be honest.

Nolim · 15/03/2015 12:08

Your kids will appreciate you when you grow - and that is what is nice.

So until then, well, too bad? Doesnt sounds right if you ask me but if that is the way things are here so be it.

SurlyCue · 15/03/2015 12:10

Your kids will appreciate you when you grow - and that is what is nice.

I wouldnt bet on that! Not if the adults in the house arent showing appreciation and telling each other to piss off out of the house!

YesPleaseJohnSnow · 15/03/2015 12:11

Jeezo at some of the responses here!!
OP I bet you're also one of those selfish types who feels entitled to be made to feel a bit special on your birthday too!
Oh and expect a Christmas card Wink

OfficerVanHalen · 15/03/2015 12:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CheeseandGherkins · 15/03/2015 12:19

Nolim it's more a Mumsnet "thing". Noone I know in real life ever acts this way! In fact, noone I've ever known ever does this. Where I'm from, partners help out the dcs, why on earth wouldn't they? So sick of reading all the "but you aren't his mum" crap. Honestly, why the need to say that? I'm sure everyone is well aware she isn't his mum...It's perfectly normal to help the dcs with Mother's/Father's day until they're old enough to think about it themselves, and even then a bit of help doesn't go amiss!

Mrscog · 15/03/2015 12:19

Nolim - that is what I'm looking forward to if I'm honest. Anything which is done by DH/nursery etc. is gratefully received and I think is nice, but it's essentially meaningless to me. The first year I get something that DS takes it upon himself to do will mean everything to me. He makes my day every day and has brought a huge amount of joy into my life (and I'm in no way a natural parent - I work FT as I'm not cut out for lots of toddler care) and to expect gratitude for that feels a bit wrong to be honest! Also, DH and I have forged an equal relationship, so I don't really feel any need for lots of extra recognition. If you're in an unequal relationship in terms of workload I can see how this might be different and why you'd need someone to make a fuss of you.

YesPleaseJohnSnow · 15/03/2015 12:23

Agree wholeheartedly with Officer Van Halen.

Fairenuff · 15/03/2015 12:23

From reading various posts and different points of view it does seem that if you have a considerate partner who normally treats you with equality and respect, they are likely to make sure that your child/ren are able to do something special for you on MD.

If you have a partner who does not normally pull their weight or is often selfish, they are likely to not bother.

So it is more about your relationship with your partner when children are too young to sort it out themselves.

Nolim · 15/03/2015 12:25

Cheese: thanks, that is what i thought.

Mrscog. I was asking mainly due to cultural curiosity, i dont expect anyone to make afuss for me . And i have an equal relationship, btw.

fredfredgeorgejnr · 15/03/2015 12:26

If you're desperate for mothers day (or valentines day, or any other day really) to get recognition from your partner then your relationship isn't really working out I'd say.

Sure be annoyed about lack of recognition and support, but don't wrap up that basic relationship problem around days which are likely to generate arguments as the expectations around are so very likely to be disjoint.

Gossipgirladdict · 15/03/2015 12:27

Another who agrees wholeheartedly with OfficerVanHalen...

Mrscog · 15/03/2015 12:27

Sorry nolim I meant if one is in an unequal relationship - not you personally, poor phrasing on my part.