to have reported boy's mother after he confided in me?

[DemelzaIfOnly]

One of my DSs friends asked to speak to me after school yesterday. He has come here after school a few times over the last couple of weeks. I always told him to go and check with his Mum first and he went home to check with her and said it was OK [like an idiot I believed him, instead of actually ensuring I spoke to his Mum myself - he had said he couldn't remember their number].

He confided to me that his mother beats him and his younger siblings [he's 11, they are 5 and 7]. We sat outside for 15 mins or so and talked it over. He said he didn't want to go home.

I explained to him that if what he said was true that I would have to call the police as I could not ignore what he said. I asked him several times, and in different ways to ensure that he really was serious, including explaining that the police would have to speak with him and his mother and that other people might have to be involved.

His Mum did appear on my doorstep when the police were here talking to him [she of course had been going frantic with worry and had ended up here having gone to a mutual friend's who had suggested he may have come here] and I had to hurriedly say that he had said something to me that I was concerned about and that the police were talking to him. One of the PCs then took the mother away to discuss things with her and I haven't seen her since.

He is now staying with me until Monday as apparently they can't make any decisions as no-one else works at weekends. I feel awful as I have taken her child away and she is going to have a shitty Mothers Day. It's messed up my weekend and I have been very short with DH who is in India, as he always seems to ring when I am having a frantic time juggling calls from the police, children's services, my own weekend plans, our 3 DSs and the 'fostered' child [for want of a better word].

I can't think how Mum must be feeling right now and am holding myself together as I know she must be feeling so much worse. Did I really do the right thing?

Quick update: I'm doing a roast dinner as we always do on Sunday's. He's very keen on the idea and seems overall OK, but seems to be getting quite nervy about going back to school tomorrow. I have tried a couple of times to suggest he write a Mothers Day card but he says he doesn't want to give his Mum one, which is very sad. He seems to be more concerned about his little brother and sister and whether they are safe, than about doing something for his Mum.

So sad - I'm on the point of tears a lot but am holding it in for him. In a way I will be relieved when CS 'take over' and just hope they can sort themselves out. I am looking forward to a jolly good cry too.

Poor kid. Feeling like your younger sibs' parent is heavy duty, particularly as there's little you can really do to protect them - he's already done the absolute maximum by telling a responsible adult. He is brave!

Your concern almost weeps from your post, Wotch. Can you grab some space for a cry in the bath/shower, perhaps? And give yourself an extra helping at dinner

Upandatem

I think it's quite normal what OP's doing, she seems to be desperately hoping it's untrue and finding it hard to believe it may well be true

She's met the mum IRL and it IS hard to imagine someone who you may think is lovely - might actually be an ABUSER

OP - there's more to it even if he IS lying about being beaten so try to keep your loyalties and sympathies for the boy x

The police do leave children with strangers - I rang them once because my next door neighbour's boyfriend beat her up. They took him away, she had to go to hospital, and they were going to leave her 18 month old with me (I'd only met him about twice!) This was about 11pm on a Saturday night. Luckily the granny turned up...

You are doing a good thing.

Have you thought about what outcome you'd like tomorrow? What do you and your DC need to happen next?

Is it practical for the boy to stay longer or do you feel a foster placement would be more appropriate if the situation is unlikely to resolve quickly.

I think theres a point where your immediate compassion and maternal instincts in caring for this boy and overstretched services could overlook your needs.

I hope you have had as nicer mothers day as possible with your own DC plus one.

Poor boy, goodness knows how bad it must be for him to confide in an adult. There is no question you did the right thing Wotch. YANBU, you know that.

However, I think it was big mistake writing about this on Mumsnet and on AIBU of all places. I mean this kindly but you haven't namechanged and you've previously written an awful lot about your life. I can imagine it would very, very easy for anyone associated with you to identify you and subsequently this boy.

There is no dilemma here, you are not seeking advice and what you wanted you have received: validation that you did the correct thing. Should you not think about this boy's privacy now?

Have asked mate who is a police officer - it's all very normal this arrangement apparently

The fact that the boy is overly concerned about his siblings safety speaks volume to me. Well done OP- you have absolutely done the right thing.

Poor boy.
It is so incredibly unfair to have these kinds of 'grown-up' worries at this age - he should not have to fret for his siblings safety .

I hope the situation can be resolved in such a way that ALL those children grow up with a sense of safety and being loved, and if they do, you will have contributed to that, WatchOot

OP why do you think this boy should give his mother a Mother's Day card? Even in your original post you were fretting about his mother, saying "she's going to have a shitty Mothers Day" and today you "have tried a couple of times to suggest he write a Mothers Day card". Surely, (since he's taken the huge step of confiding in you and getting the police involved) he's allowed to feel that he'd like to give this a miss under the circumstances, which are hardly trivial. The fact that he's concerned for his siblings speaks volumes. This is not "pre-judging" the woman, it's respecting his feelings. He's a child and this must be traumatic.

Grunt, maybe the OP's thinking that whatever's gone on the woman is still going to be the lad's mum after everything's settled down?

From her posts she seems to feel as though she's caught in a weird position where she's empathising with the mum and thinking 'how would I feel if one of my DC said this about me', at the same time as knowing as an adult that she has to protect the lad from the woman.

Is it possible to untangle the two?

To just switch off from the woman and how she must feel as a mum, regardless of what she's done to her children?

Some of the posters on the thread have done a better job than I have at feeling sympathy for the mum, so maybe it is possible, but that might be more difficult if you're in the situation and know the people personally?

The OP's probably just playing it by ear and is doing what she thinks is best, but it's a fucking minefield isn't it? I really do feel for her.

OP, how are things going? Hope you have lots of support and . You've been wonderful to this lad throughout

If someone like you had taken me in when I was young I would have far fewer scars than I have now.

I feel for you. I had a child make a disclosure to me, one that had to be reported and you do feel like you're interfering and tearing a family apart. You definitely did the right thing

Yes, you did the right thing. I had a neglectful stepmother and prayed an adult would intervene and end that situation. No-one ever did even though friends' mothers, aunties etc were aware of it. The child wouldn't have told you if he didn't, on some deep level, want you to act.

I wish all area's SS were so diligent. Here we have heard the most appalling verbal, emotional (and possibly physical) abuse going on against my neighbours' kids and even though the council, (they're council tenants), police were informed and SS have come out a few times, the kids remain in situ presumably because the parents talked a good talk - the kids look clean and well presented, there is the ambient music f 'pictures of the kiddies' on the walls etc. Every few months, the violence ramps up til we can hear it through the walls or in the garden, again. And we contact SS again. And they come out briefly then drop the case leaving these kids for 18 months now, with abusive parents. I have given up on it as clearly no-one cares. You'd feel worse if your local SS had done nothing, trust me.

well done for your actions.

for his siblings, this a major bug bear of mine, why oh why do ss maintain siblings aren't at risk if they don't speak up or don't have injuries?!

27yrs ago ss and the police stood in a room with me, my sister and my mum, watched my mum assault my sister in front of ss and the police, and yet they still deemed I was not at risk It took a further 12 years before I was big and bold enough to put myself in care.
someone's bad decision meant I had 12 awful years with her on my own.

If he's worried about his younger siblings, I'd say that adds some credibility to his claim that his mother is mistreating them.

I wouldn't want to have to make a Mother's Day card for my mother, if she were abusing me (or had abused me in the past). I suspect most people wouldn't.

I'm training to be a sw, although not in the UK. We're told that we absolutely have to consider if the siblings are at risk.

:( smelly - I'm sorry you were left to endure that.

You definitely did the right thing for this poor boy.

I'm not surprised he was left with you over the weekend. If the Mum consented for him to be looked after the preference would always be to leave him someone he knows (as long as background checks are carried out). Children are often removed to family members' houses as long as SWs are satisfied they have the capacity to protect the child.

I expect there is a duty SW team for emergencies but as long as the child is deemed safe for the weekend then most decisions will be made during the working week.