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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have reported boy's mother after he confided in me?

148 replies

DemelzaIfOnly · 14/03/2015 22:17

One of my DSs friends asked to speak to me after school yesterday. He has come here after school a few times over the last couple of weeks. I always told him to go and check with his Mum first and he went home to check with her and said it was OK [like an idiot I believed him, instead of actually ensuring I spoke to his Mum myself - he had said he couldn't remember their number].

He confided to me that his mother beats him and his younger siblings [he's 11, they are 5 and 7]. We sat outside for 15 mins or so and talked it over. He said he didn't want to go home.

I explained to him that if what he said was true that I would have to call the police as I could not ignore what he said. I asked him several times, and in different ways to ensure that he really was serious, including explaining that the police would have to speak with him and his mother and that other people might have to be involved.

His Mum did appear on my doorstep when the police were here talking to him [she of course had been going frantic with worry and had ended up here having gone to a mutual friend's who had suggested he may have come here] and I had to hurriedly say that he had said something to me that I was concerned about and that the police were talking to him. One of the PCs then took the mother away to discuss things with her and I haven't seen her since.

He is now staying with me until Monday as apparently they can't make any decisions as no-one else works at weekends. I feel awful as I have taken her child away and she is going to have a shitty Mothers Day. It's messed up my weekend and I have been very short with DH who is in India, as he always seems to ring when I am having a frantic time juggling calls from the police, children's services, my own weekend plans, our 3 DSs and the 'fostered' child [for want of a better word].

I can't think how Mum must be feeling right now and am holding myself together as I know she must be feeling so much worse. Did I really do the right thing?

OP posts:
youarekiddingme · 14/03/2015 23:07

cunning my cousin, a respite carer, took in an emergency placement over night 10 years ago. He's still there Grin

YouAreMyRain · 14/03/2015 23:08

I know it's not emergency foster care. I am shocked that there is no emergency duty SW team! What if OP had said no and he did need emergency foster care?
Surely the mother will have had to sign a working agreement? Won't a SW have been involved in that?

OP prepare to have him for four weeks, I think that's the statutory assessment period.

AgentZigzag · 14/03/2015 23:14

Hope you can get some kip, try not to worry too much.

The alternative of you brushing him and what he'd told you off would have been unforgivable, and even though you knew taking it further was probably going to be hard going, you did it.

Whether the mum's done anything or not I'm sure she'll understand why you did it.

CunningCat · 14/03/2015 23:14

I will admit that sw approached me with a longer arrangement, but I was a single parent in a small council property with 2 DC and on a very low wage. Tbh I really didn't believe I was up to it Sad

VivaLeBeaver · 14/03/2015 23:20

I always say "Every Child Matters as long as it's mon-fri, 9-5".

Doesn't suprise me that the police left the 11yo there even though it goes against safeguarding best practice and if something happened the police/social services would be in the shit.

There's must surely be an EMergency duty team, they may just have decided it doesn't need to be delt with till Monday because the boy is safe??

CunningCat · 14/03/2015 23:23

Tbh I thought all LA had a duty team for emergencies. It's bloody worrying if they don't! My LA has just raised the threshold for removing children, also very worrying.

CunningCat · 14/03/2015 23:26

Viva - I have heard coalition are doing away with ECM, as they cannot reach outcomes due to benefit changes, cuts etc. I'm not that surprised Sad

CurlyhairedAssassin · 14/03/2015 23:26

I would Have thought that emergency foster care places are few and far between and that priority is given to (possibly younger, non-verbal) children who are taken from homes where it has been hard to track down a trusted friend.

PacificDogwood · 14/03/2015 23:27

There IS a duty team for emergencies - an 11 yo staying at a friend's house will have removed the 'emergency' status from the situation.

I cannot get ahold of adult services after 3.30pm on a Friday afternoon.

I am surprised that so many people on this thread are surprised that services are overstretched tbh.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 14/03/2015 23:57

Maybe this is the Big Society that Cameron was talking about. Don't waste precious resources on the most needy and vulnerable when a friend can do the job of the social workers. Wink

Mutley77 · 15/03/2015 00:01

It sounds to me like the cpo has taken this into his own hands. There will bean emergency social work team and he has possibly decided it doesn't reach the threshold to contact them.

Imo it should be a social worker who makes the call on the risk to the younger children. If I were you I would look up the number for the emergency team yourself and contact them just to make them aware, especially given you are a social worker anyway.

26Point2Miles · 15/03/2015 00:09

Sounds like the mum is struggling, wonder if she ever reads MN for support. Sounds like she's a lone parent also

Can't imagine how she would feel reading this about herself and family.....think she would need to rethink this 'trusted adult' or at least, point it out to the people who placed the child

CunningCat · 15/03/2015 00:19

Sadly Pacific I'm not that surprised about adult services, but I (stupidly?) assumed children's services had funding 'ring fenced' Sad. There was a debate in parliament last week about how sw and children's practioners could face prosecution if they do not report suspected child sexual expoliation. All smoke and mirrors by inept government as per usual.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/03/2015 00:20

What are you trying to say, 26? I'm reading your 'rethink this trusted adult... point it out to the people who placed the child' comment as a bit of a veiled dig at the OP rather than a concern for the mother.

There's no identifying information that I can see and, if I was this boy's mother, my priority wouldn't be to catch up with the chat on a forum.

CunningCat · 15/03/2015 00:29

26-why the assumption about being a lone parent? As a once lone parent I find that offensive.

AgentZigzag · 15/03/2015 00:30

The mum's 'struggling' 26Point?

I can't see anything in what the OP's said that suggests that.

And if the lad's to be believed, beating your children (which to me means more than just a smack) then the situation the mum's in could hardly be described as her 'struggling' and it being posted about on an anonymous forum is going to be the least of her worries.

My sympathies lay with the OP and the boy and I can't help wondering why yours aren't.

differentnameforthis · 15/03/2015 01:59

As for his siblings, they judged it better to leave them with their Mum than take them away and put them with a stranger, as they don't feel they are in imminent danger.

That doesn't sound right...surely they are in more danger if this is true? Mum has been outed because of their sibling..who else is she likely to 'take it out on' if not the younger 2?

GallicGarlic · 15/03/2015 02:57

I'm guessing the police got an emergency protection order because the child was the whistleblower. As far as I know (I'm not an expert) this type of order has to be followed by a response from Children's Services within one working day of the order - that would be Monday. It is true that children are held in police cells when no appropriately safe accommodation can be found - mentally unwell people, too. Welcome to austerity britain.

You did the right thing, OP. I also feel for the mother, and it's nice that you did, but turning a deaf ear to complaints of abuse is entirely the wrong thing.

This episode might lead to his mum getting support that she's not been able to access before. I hope the other kids will be OK this weekend.

MrsRhettButler · 15/03/2015 03:21

Yes you did the right thing, it's not easy.
My young cousins were kept in a cell as a baby and toddler, right down the hall from the cell their mentally ill mother was in, it was distressing for all involved Sad

HolaCaracola · 15/03/2015 05:30

You did the right thing. She will get help and a chance to turn things around. If she doesn't, she deserves everything she gets. It doesn't seem right that he's been left with you, though. If you're not comfortable with it, check out if that's appropriate or if procedures have not been followed. The Police tried to get me to house a woman overnight once who was leaving an abuser because she gave them my number. I barely knew her, would not have really minded but I had paying lodgers at the time not fair on them, and besides not really my responsibility to provide emergency accommodation to random people. And that's before all the recent cuts...

toddlewaddleflipflop · 15/03/2015 05:56

Sounds right to me - police will have assessed OP aa suitable (she sounds pretty great to me) and, since the boys mother agreed he could stay there, there is no need for emergency court orders or foster placements or such like. So no need for emergency duty team (SS) to do anything. Much better for the boy in the short term. I imagine all kinds of stuff will happen next week when the regular social work team get involved. Very well done OP, though I know it's extremely difficult.

toothypeg · 15/03/2015 06:54

They were considering putting a child who had disclosed abuse in a CELL??? Sad Sad

Is that common practice?

PacificDogwood · 15/03/2015 07:21

No, but it can be preferable to leaving them in whatever situation they are in.
We don't know anything about this particular case other than what the OP has posted - there really is no point speculating.

WatchOot, hope you all got some sleep.

26Point2Miles · 15/03/2015 07:22

Oh get a grip cunning! Offended indeed!

I'm a lone parent myself. I say lone parent cos in other cases like this if dads at home then he would be the other parent to have the kids, you know, him having PR and all that.

So all this happens and op runs to AIBU to gossip about it. Lovely. It's unique enough for someone to recognise themselves

CoffeeBeanie · 15/03/2015 07:24

Well done OP.

I wish someone had believed me when I was little. I confided in family and everything was hushed up.
20 years later this family member apologised to me.

Well done this little boy, to try and protect his younger siblings.

It's an uncomfortable position for you to be in, but the only choice.

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