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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to have reported boy's mother after he confided in me?

148 replies

DemelzaIfOnly · 14/03/2015 22:17

One of my DSs friends asked to speak to me after school yesterday. He has come here after school a few times over the last couple of weeks. I always told him to go and check with his Mum first and he went home to check with her and said it was OK [like an idiot I believed him, instead of actually ensuring I spoke to his Mum myself - he had said he couldn't remember their number].

He confided to me that his mother beats him and his younger siblings [he's 11, they are 5 and 7]. We sat outside for 15 mins or so and talked it over. He said he didn't want to go home.

I explained to him that if what he said was true that I would have to call the police as I could not ignore what he said. I asked him several times, and in different ways to ensure that he really was serious, including explaining that the police would have to speak with him and his mother and that other people might have to be involved.

His Mum did appear on my doorstep when the police were here talking to him [she of course had been going frantic with worry and had ended up here having gone to a mutual friend's who had suggested he may have come here] and I had to hurriedly say that he had said something to me that I was concerned about and that the police were talking to him. One of the PCs then took the mother away to discuss things with her and I haven't seen her since.

He is now staying with me until Monday as apparently they can't make any decisions as no-one else works at weekends. I feel awful as I have taken her child away and she is going to have a shitty Mothers Day. It's messed up my weekend and I have been very short with DH who is in India, as he always seems to ring when I am having a frantic time juggling calls from the police, children's services, my own weekend plans, our 3 DSs and the 'fostered' child [for want of a better word].

I can't think how Mum must be feeling right now and am holding myself together as I know she must be feeling so much worse. Did I really do the right thing?

OP posts:
BitchBags · 14/03/2015 22:40

You have definitely done the right thing! It's so nice that the boy felt he could confide in you too. He has probably had a huge weight lifted off his shoulders and if he is telling the truth he will be thanking you for the rest of his life. Well done Flowers

GoofyIsACow · 14/03/2015 22:40

Sorry cross post.

PacificDogwood · 14/03/2015 22:40

I have never heard of a child being left in this situation before?

Happens all the time.

Callooh · 14/03/2015 22:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

RufusTheReindeer · 14/03/2015 22:41

I've heard of children being left with a trusted adult before,

Well done for taking him in

YouAreMyRain · 14/03/2015 22:42

No duty social worker? That's ridiculous! A SW would have had to be involved to secure an emergency foster placement if you had said you couldn't have him. Have you checked on your local authority children's services website? I've never heard of this.

fififolle · 14/03/2015 22:42

You have certainly done the right thing. Thank you, it must have taken a great deal of courage.

Gruntfuttock · 14/03/2015 22:43

I don't understand why it has been deemed safe to leave the younger siblings with the mother if there's a chance she beats them.

DemelzaIfOnly · 14/03/2015 22:43

I do actually work in a Social Services setting [albeit with vulnerable adults, but as part of my induction covered Safeguarding Children too so same principles apply] so am very aware of the issues, but this is the first time I've encountered a 'live' situation with a child, since I started working there.

OP posts:
BigamusButticus · 14/03/2015 22:44

I'm just concerned about the OP and making sure she's covered in this situation

PolterGoose · 14/03/2015 22:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MincePieDiet · 14/03/2015 22:45

Soo.......it was seemed appropriate to leave the 11yo with you as he alleges physical abuse occurs to them all but it was ok for the 5 and 7yo to stay with the mum because you're a stranger.......??

YouAreMyRain · 14/03/2015 22:46

Sorry reacted to the situation without answering the OP.

YADNBU!!

If she beats him up - tough on her if she has a shit Mother's Day.

If she doesn't beat him up then there is some serious shit that needs sorting out between them. She has her other DC with her, she will be fine. I haven't got my baby this weekend, just my older two, shit happens, I'll survive.

You were very strong and brave op, well done.

DemelzaIfOnly · 14/03/2015 22:46

MincePieDiet - I know - all very odd, but I can only do as I'm advised by the CPO I guess.

OP posts:
PolterGoose · 14/03/2015 22:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MincePieDiet · 14/03/2015 22:48

So who would have parental responsibility while he is in yr care? If it's the mother then there's nothing to stop her claiming him back.

BaronessEllaSaturday · 14/03/2015 22:50

Unless the police feel the children are in immediate danger they can not just step in and take them. The boy has been left in the care of the op with the agreement of the mother to give everyone breathing space which is highly appropriate and not unusual in this circumstance.

Op you have done the right thing.

AgentZigzag · 14/03/2015 22:52

How's the lad now OP?

And what does your DS make of it?

Have you ever suspected something might be amiss with him before?

MrsFlannel · 14/03/2015 22:53

It does happen that the authorities will sometimes leave a child with friends.If they judge it best.

CunningCat · 14/03/2015 22:55

Some years ago my friends son had to be removed from the family home, they asked me if he could stay with me (7 days) while they sorted out a foster placement. I was a bit Confused but agreed, they ran the checks, plus they knew I worked in childcare. I'm surprised it still goes on tbh, especially with new safeguarding regulations etc.

DemelzaIfOnly · 14/03/2015 22:57

BaronessES: yes, I am hoping that it's just that Mum and son have misunderstood each other somewhere along the line and the time away is just to let things settle while they each get themselves together. Just a shame no-one seems able to sort things until after the weekend, so it's an extra long time for her to be without him if there's really nothing going on.

OP posts:
PacificDogwood · 14/03/2015 22:58

The mother has not been found guilty of anything at this stage - the OP is not a stranger, but a friend's mother, he been at hers before.

The police will investigate, SS will get involved, everything will go its slow course Hmm, but that's how it is.
Whether the allegation is proven in the end or not, the younger siblings will be assumed to be safe just now because their brother came forward.

DemelzaIfOnly · 14/03/2015 22:59

Agent ZZ: my DS isn't fazed as he doesn't really know any details. They seem to just be getting along being lads and hanging out - like an extended sleepover?

OP posts:
DemelzaIfOnly · 14/03/2015 23:01

Better get some sleep myself - hope his Mum gets some rest too. Thanks for all your thoughts and concern. Flowers

OP posts:
youarekiddingme · 14/03/2015 23:04

A child can stay with another adult if the parent agrees. After 28 consecutive days it's classed as private fostering and SS must be involved. Many 11 yo spend nights with friends, and the boy chose to go here, confided in this adult - so they would consider it a reasonable place to stay.

You did the right thing Flowers

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