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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have reported boy's mother after he confided in me?

148 replies

DemelzaIfOnly · 14/03/2015 22:17

One of my DSs friends asked to speak to me after school yesterday. He has come here after school a few times over the last couple of weeks. I always told him to go and check with his Mum first and he went home to check with her and said it was OK [like an idiot I believed him, instead of actually ensuring I spoke to his Mum myself - he had said he couldn't remember their number].

He confided to me that his mother beats him and his younger siblings [he's 11, they are 5 and 7]. We sat outside for 15 mins or so and talked it over. He said he didn't want to go home.

I explained to him that if what he said was true that I would have to call the police as I could not ignore what he said. I asked him several times, and in different ways to ensure that he really was serious, including explaining that the police would have to speak with him and his mother and that other people might have to be involved.

His Mum did appear on my doorstep when the police were here talking to him [she of course had been going frantic with worry and had ended up here having gone to a mutual friend's who had suggested he may have come here] and I had to hurriedly say that he had said something to me that I was concerned about and that the police were talking to him. One of the PCs then took the mother away to discuss things with her and I haven't seen her since.

He is now staying with me until Monday as apparently they can't make any decisions as no-one else works at weekends. I feel awful as I have taken her child away and she is going to have a shitty Mothers Day. It's messed up my weekend and I have been very short with DH who is in India, as he always seems to ring when I am having a frantic time juggling calls from the police, children's services, my own weekend plans, our 3 DSs and the 'fostered' child [for want of a better word].

I can't think how Mum must be feeling right now and am holding myself together as I know she must be feeling so much worse. Did I really do the right thing?

OP posts:
thatsucks · 15/03/2015 07:30

I really do learn something new every time I come on Mumsnet. I admit I was very dubious about the OP being genuine until I read posts from people who know about these situations. I'm amazed there was no social worker involved as it was a weekend!

OP I hope you have got some sleep and that all goes as well as it can do for this boy - you were, in my opinion, extremely brave and very caring to have acted for him. I admire you.

florentina1 · 15/03/2015 07:43

You did absolutely the right thing. I once reported the family of one of the children I was childminding. The mother was relieved that it had been brought out in the open. The boyfriend was removed from the home and the mother was given the support she needed. I think you were very brave.

PourquoiTuGachesTaVie · 15/03/2015 07:47

This seems similar to situatIon I found myself in once.

When I was a teenager I told a friend's mum about the problems my mum was having - mental health problems, alcoholism, chronic illness. I was essentially her carer and as a young teen this was obviously stressful. We had an argument one evening, my mum slapped me once during the course of this argument.

The next day I was still upset about the whole situation (and the slap was the least of my worries!) So I told my best friends mum. I wanted someone to help my mum because I couldn't and she was ill. Ss were called and were thoroughly unhelpful in every way, all they actually did was let me stay at my friend's house "until it all blows over" and tell my mum what my friends mum had said. This included the words "Pourquoi said that you beat her."

My mum was angry at me about that for the rest of her life and she never believed me when I told her that I had never said that, that I wouldn't say that because it wasn't true. Ss believed my mum never beat me (because it wasn't true) but then did nothing else because they thought all the problems were down to a stroppy lying teen. We got no help for my mum's illness or alcoholism and everything stayed the same - except my mum couldn't forgive me for telling people that I beat her.

Ss let my younger siblings stay with my mum throughout their investigation too.

hairylittlegoblin · 15/03/2015 08:03

OP you did the right thing. If every adult who knew about abuse reported it we'd be in a much better place with child protection (although SS might well collapse).

Too many people know things and do nothing because they're scared of the consequences or they don't want to believe the child or it's easier just to ignore it and hope it goes away.

Pourquoi That sounds dreadful. I'm sorry no one at SS listened properly or did anything helpful. Flowers

frumpet · 15/03/2015 08:12

Pourquoi Flowers

OP what do you do work wise ?

JsOtherHalf · 15/03/2015 08:16

There is an emergency duty team in this area, who work overnights and weekends. I say 'team', but it is 2 social workers. They cover about half a million people.
If they both go out to an emergency, then there is no one left to answer the next call. In reality they are used as a resource for advice.

cashewnutty · 15/03/2015 08:17

I work as a SW in child protection and what the OP describes is completely normal and commonplace. Police will do checks to ensure there is nothing untoward about the family and the child will remain there until a police/SW can be undertaken on Monday.

It does seem strange that they have no out of hours service at all but even if there had been one it wouldn't have changed what happened. SW would have done some checks at their end but as long as the child was deemed safe for the moment nothing more would be done.

BunnyCake · 15/03/2015 08:18

Well done op. You did the right thing. You didn't spoil the mum's mother's day, she did that herself by beating her kids.

BabyGanoush · 15/03/2015 08:22

I have been asked by police to look after someone's child before. I had to get social services involved myself the next day (I did it through/with the HT of the boys' school)

Missda · 15/03/2015 08:24

OP you did the right thing. x

cluelessnchaos · 15/03/2015 08:27

I was in a similar situation a year ago, I had a call from the police at midnight asking if I knew a boy, he was a neighbours son who were very reclusive. He had arrived alone on a flight with no one to meet him aged 13. Police had found me by looking at houses geographically close to theirs, I ageed to temporarily take him to prevent him being taken into care, the police did 2 minute checks on all the over 14s in the house. What happened after has been a year of him living with us on and off with his mothers permission. As his guardian she gave permission for him to stay with us pretty much permanently but was never more than a week at a time. Social work involved, multi agency meetings. Hellishly complicated but completely worth it OP. Boy now fostered with a lovely family nearby and thriving.

BikeRunSki · 15/03/2015 08:28

OP, how could you possibly think you didn't do the right thing? If course you did.

PacificDogwood · 15/03/2015 08:31

Pourquoi, how utterly awful for you Thanks
IMO what you're describing is due (at least) partly due to 'compartmentalising' which happens in all sort of institutions. So the question was 'Is this child being abused?', answer 'no', case closed Hmm, rather than looking beyond the 'My mum slapped me' when it so often is far, far more complex than that.
I hope life is better for you now.

IreneA78 · 15/03/2015 08:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

IreneA78 · 15/03/2015 08:42

Sorry I am on my husbands stupid phone I hope you can understand that last post

cluelessnchaos · 15/03/2015 08:48

OP said the mum did agree to him staying there, the younger children aren't judged to be in immediate danger. The police have found a responsible adult willing to have him while the child feels settled. It is actually really hard to have a child, especially an older one, removed from parents guardianship. The most vulnerable families are those without support or family nearby.

PolterGoose · 15/03/2015 08:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Evabeaversprotege · 15/03/2015 08:57

I reported my BIL to ss. There was a list of things - physical abuse of the children, emotional abuse of them yoo, financial & emotional abuse of his wife.

I reported it on a Saturday to out of hours social workers. They called the woman on the Monday, she admitted to what was happening but refused to leave him.

They still have their children, no action was taken as apparently BIL was depressed at the time.... (This has been going on years!!)

Sickens me. So yes, they'll have left the two younger children with their mum, of that I have no doubt.

wheresthelight · 15/03/2015 08:57

this is a very common occurrence in so much as a duty social worker will only have so much resource available to them out side of normal hours and if the boy is deemed to be safe with the op then they will take all next actions on monday. a friend of mine is a sw and some of the stories she rants about would curl your toes and all down to budget cuts.

op you absolutely did the right thing!! if the mother is innocent of the accusations then the police and SS will clear her and no real harm has been done. if she is guilty then you have potentially saved lives.

Guiltypleasures001 · 15/03/2015 10:38

Hi op you have done a really brave thing, I had the same thing a couple of months ago and it's the hardest thing I've had to do outside of my job.

But to be honest there was no way that child as going back home as far as I was concerned. Luckily when all the agencies got involved it served as a warning to the carers that they were under scrutiny so to speak, and that the child's friends mum works in child protection, as far as I'm aware no further incidences have happened and they are back at home.

As for how it's affected your home life this weekend, All I can say is he was in need and trusted you with what was going on. It must have been an enormous worry for him and must have practiced that conversation in his head many times, the courage that child has shown is enormous.

Original poster
DemelzaIfOnly · 15/03/2015 13:20

Pourquoi: I'm so sad at what happened to you. SS are so very overworked & stressed. They do such a hard job it's hard to get the balance right & it sounds like you needed more support than they could give you. It's always hard to balance safety with need.

Frimley: from earlier post - I "work in a Social Services setting [albeit with vulnerable adults", but as an administrator, so although I do come into contact with safeguarding issues on a daily basis as part of my supporting role for my team of Support Workers (nb not social workers either, but with v close links as we frequently have to refer to Social Workers when necessary) this is the first time I've dealt with it first hand outside of work.

OP posts:
Original poster
DemelzaIfOnly · 15/03/2015 13:21

"Frimley"? Auto correct! Should say "frumpet"!!

OP posts:
GallicGarlic · 15/03/2015 15:56

Clueless and Guilty, I'm so pleased that you have also helped support children in intolerable circumstances Thanks As someone said above, if more people 'interfered' we might have fewer troubled adults down the line.

cluelessnchaos · 15/03/2015 17:05

Very true Gallic. At the time there were a lot of child protection cases in the news and you think what you would do to prevent a child coming to harm at their own hands or their parents. In reality we are often scared to get involved or offend or in our case that a parent or relative aren't stepping up so why should we. We often do have the chance to make a difference without even realising it.

MsJudgementalPants · 15/03/2015 17:44

Well done OP, he will always remember that you listened to him and did your best to help.