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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be put out by being trumped by MIL on Mother's Day?

85 replies

TotallyUninspired · 11/03/2015 16:26

This is silly. But I genuinely don't know if I'm being a tit or not. DH will be out two nights this week plus away all day Saturday (all jaunts), leaving me to solo parent our small DCs. I was fine with this.
Now he has informed me that because it's Mother's Day on Sunday he and the DCs will be spending the day with his mother (who will be with his sister for the weekend), and they would like me to come but I don't have to. I think he was trying to be nice by saying the last bit as he knows spending the day with MIL isn't top of my list of fun things to do, but the whole thing has pissed me off.
I don't want to go, but if I don't go it's sending a pretty rude message to MIL (who I don't wish to offend, just to avoid). He knew I wouldn't be keen to do this which is why he's gone ahead and arranged it without discussing it with me. But should I just accept that grandmothers trump mothers on Mother's Day and avoid causing trouble over something that isn't a big deal?

OP posts:
50shadesofknackered · 11/03/2015 16:32

Sorry but I'd be furious about this. Yes, its important to acknowledge his mother but IMO his priority should be you, the mother of his children. I think I'd tell him to fuck off to his mothers's on his own and I'd take the kids and spend the day with your mum, or on your own with DC doing lovely things. He's being completely thoughtless and it isn't really on. You also need to let him know how hurt/ angry you are.

KumquatMay · 11/03/2015 16:33

No, I'm really not one to easily get upset or annoyed but this would really disappoint me. You are the primary woman in his life who has the role of 'mother' (am avoiding saying you are his primary 'mother'!) and I would have expected that he would celebrate the mother in his immediate family rather than his wider family, unless you both agreed otherwise.

Could you explain that you're disappointed and had hoped that you would have a family day and could you all have a rethink? I know that sometimes my DH won't always know what my hopes/expectations are but when I share them he often understands alot more and gets where I'm coming from.

Dr0pThePirate · 11/03/2015 16:33

Did he actually say his mum and sister would like you to come but you don't have to?

What do you usually do for mothers day and what do you usually do for DH on fathers day?

browneyedgirl86 · 11/03/2015 16:34

I think it is a big deal if you aren't 100% happy about it.

Why doesn't he stay at home with you and the DC on Mothers Day? Or do something for you like take you out for a meal?

I have to say if I were in your shoes and my DP had been away at this and that during the week I would not be impressed being left all weekend. Mothers Day or not!

But I'm sure some people would like the break and happy to let DP and the kids go to inlaws. And that's fine but if your not happy about it you should tell your DP

katienana · 11/03/2015 16:35

No that's totally out of order. It should be up to you how the day is spent!

CupidStuntSurvivor · 11/03/2015 16:36

I can understand the need for him to go, but what's with robbing you of mother's day by taking your DCs as well???

Leeds2 · 11/03/2015 16:38

I would be cross about this too although I guess he may think he is doing you a favour as in a restful day without the children.

I would, probably, tell him to go to his mother's, but that the children are staying with their own mother. And I would do something extra special with them, that you will all enjoy.

WorraLiberty · 11/03/2015 16:38

No-one trumps anyone here

If the kids are old enough to make you a card, suggest he helps them make you breakfast in bed.

Then you can relax for a full day without the kids. Maybe pamper yourself and have a chilled day.

GettingFiggyWithIt · 11/03/2015 16:39

I wouldn't be put out to be honest as long as the following happens

  • big full english breakfast served in bed before they go
  • trashy magazines, new pjs, Flowers and chocs again in bed
  • kids cuddle up/group hug in bed With Cake
  • bubble bath with some music and glass of Wine filled before they leave
  • whole day to myself doing what the hell i like
  • Babysitter arranged for evening or family trip to cinema/pizza hut

don't let the door hit you on the way out, buuble bath here I come!

pictish · 11/03/2015 16:40

I would have expected that he would celebrate the mother in his immediate family rather than his wider family

Wider family?! Do you mean his actual mother?

Why would he celebrate his wife on Mother's Day instead of his mother?

Why do so many people on mumnset think mother's day is about husbands lavishing their wives? Why?

Mrsteddyruxpin · 11/03/2015 16:40

He is being selfish here. If he gas planned something for you all Saturday I would say fair enough but he is doing his own thing all weekend then didn't discuss plans for Sunday. I'd read the riot act to him.

DidoTheDodo · 11/03/2015 16:40

Well it is mothers day and she is his mother. Seems fairly reasonable to me. I'm assuming you get to have early morning and evening with your dcs?
Where is your mother in all this? Could you spend the day with her?

PrimalLass · 11/03/2015 16:41

Now he has informed me that because it's Mother's Day on Sunday he and the DCs will be spending the day with his mother

Just say, oh no you won't.

AlPacinosHooHaa · 11/03/2015 16:41

Um I think its hideously rude and horrid NOT to ask the Mother of his children what she would like to do for the day.

I think its awful, fair enough if he had asked you and you asked for the day alone( so he decided to go to his mums), but to decide this for you, and cut you out is horrible and I would feel hurt and be furious.

AlPacinosHooHaa · 11/03/2015 16:42

Well it is mothers day and she is his mother

he is her son, so he can go there and leave dc with op, except that op has just been left alone with them already all week.

very fair!

Anomaly · 11/03/2015 16:43

I'd be furious at the lack of consideration and communication. Surely what you want is key. Mothers day without my kids would actually be nice break but he's not doing it for your benefit but his mother's and he's not talked to you at all.

ItMustBeBedtimeSurely · 11/03/2015 16:43

Hmm, it's pretty outrageous to arrange this without consulting you. I don't see how either your dh or your Mil think this is OK. Obviously when your own children have dcs you won't expect mother's day to be about you, so basically you'll never get a mother's day.

Good idea to reframe it as a day off, I suppose, but it's fairly clear that was not the intention.

I would be having serious words with my dh if I were you.

pictish · 11/03/2015 16:44

Oh and OP I have to say this wouldn't bother me at all...handmade cards and a bunch of daffs from my children are the order of the day here...dh is free to see his mum.
However, you might not want to spend most of the day on your own so you could ask him to leave the kids or go for half a day. Personally I'd be jumping for joy, but I have come to accept that some people really do hold stock by these occasions, so that's my suggestion.
Hope it works out well.

AlPacinosHooHaa · 11/03/2015 16:44

Why do so many people on mumnset think mother's day is about husbands lavishing their wives? Why?

Becauuse looking after small children day in and day out is hard bloody work, with no days off.

The least the father can do is show his appreciation for the mother of his small children and be respectful to her and them, and include them in mothers day plans, as much as I imagine the mums do for the fathers of small children.

PrimalLass · 11/03/2015 16:44

However, I'v often happily packed DP and the children off to see his mum on Mother's Day. So I can go out and have a nice lunch with mine, or had time to myself. But he wouldn't ever tell me that he was taking them without checking it was ok.

icedgem30 · 11/03/2015 16:44

I think its understandable he wants to see his mum on mothers day.

Can you keep the children at home with you? Make plans with your mum (if possible obviously)

Holdthepage · 11/03/2015 16:44

He thinks leaving you on your own for Mother's Day is a good idea? I would be really upset by that but I would probably just go & spend the day with them just to be sociable.

Is your own DM still around?

HotSquashedBun · 11/03/2015 16:44

YANBU. It shows he's thought about mother's day as he's going to see his mother but clearly hasn't thought about you at all.
Perhaps he thought you might like a day to yourself without the children?

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 11/03/2015 16:44

I think you need to separate out the arrangements for Sunday and the fact that you will be on your own for a couple of nights as well.

BakewellSlice · 11/03/2015 16:45

If you would prefer, take the kids with you (it is Mother's Day after all) to see your Mum.

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