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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be put out by being trumped by MIL on Mother's Day?

85 replies

TotallyUninspired · 11/03/2015 16:26

This is silly. But I genuinely don't know if I'm being a tit or not. DH will be out two nights this week plus away all day Saturday (all jaunts), leaving me to solo parent our small DCs. I was fine with this.
Now he has informed me that because it's Mother's Day on Sunday he and the DCs will be spending the day with his mother (who will be with his sister for the weekend), and they would like me to come but I don't have to. I think he was trying to be nice by saying the last bit as he knows spending the day with MIL isn't top of my list of fun things to do, but the whole thing has pissed me off.
I don't want to go, but if I don't go it's sending a pretty rude message to MIL (who I don't wish to offend, just to avoid). He knew I wouldn't be keen to do this which is why he's gone ahead and arranged it without discussing it with me. But should I just accept that grandmothers trump mothers on Mother's Day and avoid causing trouble over something that isn't a big deal?

OP posts:

AlPacinosHooHaa · 11/03/2015 16:45

Oh and OP I have to say this wouldn't bother me at all

That fine if you happy to be the by stander being told what your doing on special occasions, some of us like more in put and thought for us, rather than being told what happening and what we are doing by our DH and our MILS.

Zippyandbungle · 11/03/2015 16:46

Your MIL is not your children's mother, they should be with you. Your DH is out of order to take them. If he wants to spend the day with his mother, his decision but your children need to stay with you. My dcs love pampering me for the day, it's robbing them of memories. Tell him to jog on.

newgirl123 · 11/03/2015 16:47

This makes no sense - surely if he turns up to his mothers without you she would be embarrassed? She's had years of being his mum surely its your time to get the fuss?!

He should have totally asked you first and then popped over to see his mum later if time.

Joyfulldeathsquad · 11/03/2015 16:47

yes to alpacino

if be really pissed off with this op.

NoMilkNoSugar · 11/03/2015 16:47

I think I would tell him that the DC will be spending the day with their mother! And you are highly disappointed that he doesn't want to spend the day with the mother of his children too. Then you take the DC"s out on Sunday and do exactly what you want to do!

If you want to take the high ground say something like, 'yes it would be lovely for you to see nanny for two hours in the morning, so I can have a lie in, before you take me and the children out for lunch, to celebrate my mother's day'

HootyMcTooty · 11/03/2015 16:49

Pictish perhaps because as the father of young children he would be aware that his children are unlikely to be able to make any special effort without his support and being a mum to small children is hard and deserving of a bit of appreciation from time to time. It's not like OP's DH is planning to do Mothers Day with her on another day, he's going out leaving her alone with their DC.

Joyfulldeathsquad · 11/03/2015 16:49

Who arranged all this OP?

CocobearSqueeze · 11/03/2015 16:51

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

DustingOffTheDynastySuit · 11/03/2015 16:51

You know him best - does he usually side with his mother over you, or is this a classic case of trying to do the right thing and completely missing the mark?

If you would actually be genuinesly happy with a lie in and some time to yourself to go shopping, go to the gym, get your haircut, go to a gallery read a good book, whatever floats your boat, then I'd enjoy it and not stress about it too much.

If you'd rather spend time with them then I think you have to tell him you're upset.

But bugger anyone else's expectations, just decide what would make you happier?

ItMustBeBedtimeSurely · 11/03/2015 16:51

It's fair enough for him to see his mother, if she lives nearby, but not to spend the day at the expense of the mother of his children. MIL is not the one who needs a break from the daily grind of caring for small dcs. She's had her turn.

And small children love this stuff - they'll have been doing stuff at school /nursery and getting excited about pampering their mother, if they're anything like my dcs. Bit shit for them to be taken off to their grandmother's, leaving their mother at home alone. I'm sure you'd put a brave face on, but still.

Waitingonasunnyday · 11/03/2015 16:54

I have never been annoyed at spending Mothering Sunday with MIL. Some years we see my stepmum, some years my MIL, some years we stay at home, often one of us is working anyway.

As long as I get a coffee in bed and some sort of thoughtfulness from DC I am happy. It's not a day that 'belongs' to anyone.

KumquatMay · 11/03/2015 16:55

Wider family?! Do you mean his actual mother?

Yes, pictish, I do mean his actual mother. As far I'm concerned a husband and wife are a family unit, and certainly once they have kids should be encouraged to function as such by celebrating special days together. This doesn't rule out wider family, but that's by mutual agreement rather than default.

Why would he celebrate his wife on Mother's Day instead of his mother?

It's not actually about him celebrating his wife, it's about him helping his kids celebrate their mum. On Mother's Day.

OddBodkins · 11/03/2015 16:58

I don't think yabu, it's odd that he wants to take himself and the children off to his mothers without a mention of what you might enjoy for Mother's Day. However, I do think some of the suggestions are a bit Ott. Are people really expecting a full day of treats and presents? I find that a bit princessy. Mind you, perhaps it's because we are both mums in my house so we all just have a lovely day together.

VinoTime · 11/03/2015 16:58

So he's swanning off for three days (including Saturday when the DC's will be at home and not at school), leaving you to take care of the kids, and then he's fucking off again on Mother's day with your children instead of doing something nice for you?

How...incredibly thoughtful of him

I would have had an entirely different spin on this if he had approached you and said:

"Mum's asked if we fancy going through to see her and DSIS on Sunday. I'd really like to go see her at some point with it being Mother's day, so I wanted to run it by you. Me and the kids will make you breakfast in bed and then we could either all go to visit mum, or I could take the kids and let you chill out here for the day and enjoy the peace and quiet. What do you think? Or would you rather do something else entirely?"

Seeing as he didn't say any of that ^ I'm of the opinion he's arsed this right up! I'd be pissed.

IStopped · 11/03/2015 16:58

I think it's reasonable for him to spend time with his mother on Mother's Day but I think he is being a bit rude to not discuss with you whether to take the kids or not.
Is he actually planning to spend the whole day with them or is it just the afternoon?

If it was me I would be happy for him to go and for him to take the kids. If fact I'd be delighted.

AlPacinosHooHaa · 11/03/2015 17:00

BTW whats with all the breakfast in bed, nice for some I would hate it/

Nanny0gg · 11/03/2015 17:01

But should I just accept that grandmothers trump mothers on Mother's Day

Speaking as a grandmother, No.

MrsPeabody · 11/03/2015 17:01

My mother and mil have parented a lot longer than I have, so I tend to do something for them. I have offered to host everyone this year. Plus I'm not overly bothered on these set days of worship. My mil loves having her children and grandchildren together on Mother's Day.

I would be more concerned about the fact your dh organised it on the sly as he knew you would be unhappy. I would suggest a treat for yourself next weekend to make up for not having time to yourself. He owes you an apology and better communication in future.

irregularegular · 11/03/2015 17:03

To be honest, this wouldn't bother me and I don't think he is doing anything wrong, though it does depend on your family traditions and expectations.

He is spending Mother's Day with his mother, as is the idea of the day. He presumably thinks you won't want to be left along with the children yet again so is giving you a day off (though he should probably check that you wouldn't rather be with the children) while at the same time making clear that you are welcome if you prefer.

As long as some time in the morning is spent with your children doing something nice for their mum, with his help and encouragement if needed then I don't see the problem.

But we've never made a big deal out of Mother's Day.

SunsetSongster · 11/03/2015 17:03

I'd think longterm - hopefully your DC will come to see you when they are adults (learning from your DH) and you get a (I'm guessing rare) day to yourself when you have them around all the time. I would see this as win win (but make sure you get v breakfast in bed etc. too). You can tell MIL that day to yourself is your mother's day present.

MrsPeabody · 11/03/2015 17:06

Oh, I don't think grandmothers trump mothers as such, just that it's nice to celebrate Mother's Day together.

GreenShadow · 11/03/2015 17:06

I'm with Sunset.

You see your DC every day. MIL presumably doesn't see her DS very often so this will be a special occasion for her.

ilikemysleep · 11/03/2015 17:12

Well, I think I would be upset to be an afterthought. I wouldn't mind if DH wanted to see his mum and even take the kids to give me a break for a while, but I would be upset if this was presented as a fait accompli and was going to last all day and the only thought to me was 'she can come if she wants'. If he booked me a massage or a spa visit to cover the time frame, for example, that would be different.

Ask him, how will he feel on Father's day when you turn around and say you are taking the kids to visit your dad and he can come along if he wants...would that make him feel respected, nurtured, and appreciated??!

Original poster

TotallyUninspired · 11/03/2015 17:13

Thanks for the responses! It's not possible to see my mum unfortunately, she lives too far away. In all honesty it's not that I expect to be lavished with attention on Mother's Day. The children are pretty small and don't really know what's going on, so a card and some breakfast in bed (and not spending the day with MIL) would be more than fine!
I think my annoyance is to do with the fact that I wasn't asked before he made these plans so my choice is either to go along with them (which I would rather not do) or spend the day on my own and look like a rude cow to MIL.
Anyway, he's aware that I'm cross about it and I guess we'll discuss it tonight!

OP posts:

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 11/03/2015 17:14

Why didn't he ask you what you wanted to do for Mother's Day? Surely, that is one day where you get to voice an opinion on how the day is spent. Ask him how he is going to help the DC make Mother's Day special for you and watch him squirm.

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