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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be put out by being trumped by MIL on Mother's Day?

85 replies

TotallyUninspired · 11/03/2015 16:26

This is silly. But I genuinely don't know if I'm being a tit or not. DH will be out two nights this week plus away all day Saturday (all jaunts), leaving me to solo parent our small DCs. I was fine with this.
Now he has informed me that because it's Mother's Day on Sunday he and the DCs will be spending the day with his mother (who will be with his sister for the weekend), and they would like me to come but I don't have to. I think he was trying to be nice by saying the last bit as he knows spending the day with MIL isn't top of my list of fun things to do, but the whole thing has pissed me off.
I don't want to go, but if I don't go it's sending a pretty rude message to MIL (who I don't wish to offend, just to avoid). He knew I wouldn't be keen to do this which is why he's gone ahead and arranged it without discussing it with me. But should I just accept that grandmothers trump mothers on Mother's Day and avoid causing trouble over something that isn't a big deal?

OP posts:

Eternity48 · 11/03/2015 17:18

My children would be with me on Mother's Day, what he decides to do with his own Mum is his choice.

Hoppinggreen · 11/03/2015 17:21

Our simple rule is that on Mother's Day children spend the day with their mother. So I see my Mum, Dc are with me and DH can go and see mil or stay with us if he wants.
We usually go to see mil on the Saturday all together.

peggyundercrackers · 11/03/2015 17:22

I don't see the issue personally - its just another commercialised bollocks day...

he is spending it with his mother which I think is 100% right. he probably should have consulted you to see if it was OK to take the kids but I don't see the big deal in him not asking. im sure before he goes he will get the kids to make breakfast etc.

at least you will get a break from looking after the kids all the time after all the time he has spent away from home leaving you to cope.

Is it such a big deal you all spend mothers day together? you sound quite bitter over spending time with his DM.

ApocalypseNowt · 11/03/2015 17:25

I'd go with the 'rude cow' option though i don't think you are at all really. If he's not going to change his plans organise something nice to do for yourself x

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 11/03/2015 17:29

commercialised bollocks day

I love that.

Most mums I know don't give a hoot about it and are more than happy with a card and if they're lucky flowers or chocs. I certainly don't want a fuss. Nor does my mum and mil was happy with a card too.

It's only on here folk go berserk about it - weird!

morethanpotatoprints · 11/03/2015 17:33

My lot are all going to the rugby including dd.
That's where they want to be, i like the peace and quiet.
i'll get lovely cards, a plant, maybe a candle or some chocs and I'll find a good film to watch.
Heaven.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 11/03/2015 17:38

"Why do so many people on mumnset think mother's day is about husbands lavishing their wives? Why?"

As another poster has said - because looking after small children is hard work, and also because small children aren't going to be able to organise a nice Mother's Day for their mum without someone's help - and why shouldn't that be their dad?

Whatisaweekend · 11/03/2015 17:45

If he had informed you that he was taking the children off to see his mother as it was mothers day and he thought you'd like the day to yourself then thats one thing. What he has suggested is quite another!

He seems to have forgotten that you are a mother too.

Not one for too much fuss here - a wobbly hand made card will do. Perhaps a toberlone......

dustarr73 · 11/03/2015 17:46

The way i have always done it is im a Mother so its my day.I get to spend that day the way I choose.Years ago when my mama was alivev i went to dinner wiht her ,dp had the kids.He brought the kids to his mam wiht a present.

Fathers Day he gets to do what he want s cause hes the Father.I think thats the fairest way around it.

pictish · 11/03/2015 17:50

My lot are pretty good. I know they love and appreciate me. I don't need dh to make it about me instead of his mum. He makes it about me a lot of the time anyway. It's nice for him to focus on her for a change.

Pandora37 · 11/03/2015 18:14

It's a difficult one especially as I see a lot of posters on here complaining that adult men don't spend enough time with their mothers. If he didn't go to see his mum, she'd probably be put out as well. I don't see why it has to be an either/or thing, can't he spend half the day with you and half the day with his mum?

As a child I always bought presents for my grandmothers and spent the day with them too. I still do the same as an adult, I try and see my surviving grandmother and get her a card, although I don't buy her a present any more. Maybe that's unusual though?

BramwellBrown · 11/03/2015 18:29

I think I'd actually think less of my DH if he didn't want to see his mum on mothers day, I really don't get on with MIL and suspect she is actually the wicked witch of the west but she is DH's mum not me, therefore on mothers day she should be his priority. The only bit of this I'd be annoyed about is him not asking if you'd rather keep the DC with you, but then I wouldn't have expected breakfast in bed or a card before the DC were old enough to think of it, I don't need or want anything from DH, that's what valentines day is for.

AlPacinosHooHaa · 11/03/2015 18:47

You dont need anything from DH Bramwell but he is the conduit via small children giving back for one day in 365.

There are lots of threads about mothers at their wits end with toddlers at the moment, I sincerely hope their DH's are decent enough to make sure they get some token of affection on the day.

BitOutOfPractice · 11/03/2015 18:48

It seems he can't win. He goes and leaves you with the kids - wrong. He takes the kids out for the day - also wrong.

You won't look like a rude cow. Your DH just has to say ""Totally has plans today but we have to be away at x o'clock to see her later."

AlPacinosHooHaa · 11/03/2015 18:56

Well it would have been nice for him to say to his MOTHER " I have been out a lot recently mum and I dont want to leave x with the dc AGAIN all day, but I do want to see you too, so we will spend the mornng at home and come and see you later!

Damnautocorrect · 11/03/2015 18:59

I'd be livid too, it's not him seeing his mum (I encourage that bit!). It's the taking the kids off and lack of discussion.

Last year I suggested mine goes out with his mum and me and I'll take the kids for afternoon tea or something.

Sausagerollers · 11/03/2015 19:00

Why don't you say you're happy to spend Mothers Day with his mum if you make Sat YOUR mothers day to be spoilt?

And if he doesn't want to cancel his Saturday plans then make Next Sunday your mothers day (& obviously you get Next sat to do what ever you want childfree as well just as he did).

SirChenjin · 11/03/2015 19:03

I'm in the commercialised bollocks day camp. So - you get breakfast in bed, coo over the handmade crap, eat the chocolates and then go and see his Mum later. What's the big deal?

Original poster

TotallyUninspired · 11/03/2015 19:09

Oh God I've just seen the ranty threads inspired by this one! I do not have a problem with my husband loving and having consideration for his own mother. I do have a problem with plans not being discussed with me first, particularly after a lot of solo childcare.
Anyway, we've talked it over. He sees my point of view and apologised for not talking to me about it. We're compromising. A bit of family time in the morning, time with his mum in the afternoon.
It was good to get different points of view, so thank you!

OP posts:

TendonQueen · 11/03/2015 19:10

Not very forward thinking on his part, but the best plan now is GettingFiggy's suggestion. Breakfast in bed from them before they go, any cards or gifts, then a day of pleasing yourself.

As for 'can't he see you both?' spare a thought for those of us whose mother lives 2 hours away in one direction, and whose MIL lives 2 hours away in the other..

AlPacinosHooHaa · 11/03/2015 19:14

Totally glad it got sorted. Threads not just inspired by your thread, a few like yours are around at this time of year. have a lovely day!

Ragwort · 11/03/2015 19:17

I think a day left on your own sounds pretty blissful .

MadameJulienBaptiste · 11/03/2015 19:21

My mil is a bit entitled over things like mothers day.
so
I get cards flowers fuss made till about 10 o clock then pack them off to his mum's for the day so I have some fabulous child free time. I look on it as her present to me as mother of her grandchildren

some mothers can't let go of their sons. My mil is like that. Dp has pretty much broken free but I insist he has to go over for all day on mothers day. Now if he tried to leave the kids at home with me I'd stop him going....

CocobearSqueeze · 11/03/2015 19:23

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

chocolatescones · 11/03/2015 19:31

Really out of order of him to 'inform' you what he and your DCs are doing! Also I think not right for him to take DCs to his mother's when you're their Mum! He should have explained he'd like to see his mother and asked what you'd like to do so you could both come up with a compromise

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