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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect people to give reason why they can't make an event

81 replies

MoanCraft · 10/03/2015 22:33

I mean in a nice friendly sort of 'oh sorry can't make it because Dh won't be back for work on time'.
I've had two friends just say we'll have to pass on that, or won't be coming without any nice let me down gently sort of excuse. I wouldn't mind if they lied and made an excuse up. It would make me feel better.

OP posts:

thatsucks · 10/03/2015 22:36

How bizarre! You'd rather your friends lie?

I learned years and years ago not to explain (or certainly over explain) if I don't want to do something, or they will either catch you out or try to persuade you.

So what's the point of me saying I can't get a lift or a babysitter and the other person (kindly or pushily) trying to find me a lift/change venue etc etc when I just would rather pass.

As long as they are not being actively rude and say a pleasant but direct 'no thanks' what is the problem?

Tiptops · 10/03/2015 22:39

YABU.

Saying they'll have to pass without reason, is far better than lying.

cariadlet · 10/03/2015 22:41

If friends have promised to go to something, and then cancel I would expect a reason - especially for things like a meal out when you have booked for the number of people you expect.

But I don't see a need to give a reason if you don't accept an invitation in the first place.

MaudeLebowski · 10/03/2015 22:43

The reasons people give are lies the vast majority of the time.

'I just don't fancy it' is usually the real reason.

And that reason gets met with attempts to persuade otherwise. Fuck that.

mrsfuzzy · 10/03/2015 22:45

sorry, i wouldn't lie, if i'd accepted then something cropped up then i'd give a reason as long as it wasn't too personal but otherwise it would be 'thanks but no thanks on this occasion/not really my thing tbh.

coolaschmoola · 10/03/2015 22:46

It's an invitation to attend not a summons. Yes or no.

FarFromAnyRoad · 10/03/2015 22:49

Completely agree with pp - if no specific reason is given then nobody can spend hours trying to talk you round or coming up with ridiculous solutions to your entirely fictitious excuse! God I hate it when people do that!

Spinningplates10 · 10/03/2015 22:50

I think YABU OP. it's an invitation not a command, people are allowed to politely decline! If anything I'd be hurt if someone fobbed me off with a reason I later found out to be a lie.

trashcanjunkie · 10/03/2015 22:53

Sorry YABU. I have spent years getting my dp to feel ok just saying, 'no, sorry can't make it' instead of using a bullshit line, such as, 'can't afford it' because using excuses invariably leads to people trying to remove the reason.

The very last time he did this, he said he couldn't afford to, and it was a lie. It was a stupid fucking healing thing that an acquaintance was trying to arrange more cheaply by block booking the guy, and it involved being massaged, which dp just isn't ok with unless it's by me

When he said he couldn't afford it, it was pretty obviously bullshit, and it ran the risk of someone offering to pay for him.

What if the reason is that the person just doesn't want to do it cos it's not their thing/they'd be bored/they're secretly terrified/they have an AA meeting or any of the myriad of other highly personal reasons?

No is a complete sentence an all that....

itsbetterthanabox · 10/03/2015 22:53

Yanbu it's so rude when people just say no. I always explain why, because if I didn't have a reason I'd want to see my friends!
The way to let someone down- apologise, explain why and the suggest another to see them in the near future.

ZenNudist · 10/03/2015 22:58

Yabu, it's fine to say 'no, sorry'.

Most people I know just say they're 'busy'. I do the same. Whose got time to explain. "Oh I'm doing blah blah" I just say 'can't make if how about Wednesday instead'? Etc

KingJoffreyFanciesDarylDixon · 10/03/2015 23:00

No. It's not jury duty.

Yes or no is fine.

WineListPlease · 10/03/2015 23:03

YABU, no is a complete sentence.

People don't have to have a reason to refuse an invitation.
And if they do have a reason, it doesn't have to be justifiable to anyone else.
Wanting people to lie, is just nuts.

StormBraver · 10/03/2015 23:09

I wish it was socially acceptable to use Phoebe's great line from Friends:
'I wish I could, but I don't want to.'
Seeing as it isn't, I stick to 'Sorry, I can't make it' usually with no further explanation. YABU.

PuddingLlama · 10/03/2015 23:23

I'd so much rather my friends just said "you know, sorry I really just don't fancy it" than lie, or agree to go and then pull a sickie.

I will never understand why "sorry, don't want to" isn't a valid reason, it doesn't mean they don't like you, it doesn't mean they don't appreciate your company and time, just sometimes people don't want to do things.

My "sorry, not feeling great" is usually me actually saying I've worked my butt off all week and I'd like to watch Netflix in bed and have an early night, but my honest to God close friends would much rather I just told them my preference.

PostOfTheDay · 10/03/2015 23:37

I try to never tell white lies unless they are to be polite ('of course It tastes delicious' etc) I would usually explain why I couldn't make an event but I might go with a simple 'I'm sorry I can't make it'. Sometimes giving a long explaination sounds like you are lying even if you aren't.

PeppermintCrayon · 10/03/2015 23:40

YABU. Reasons sound like you are willing to be talked out of it or you are asking permission not to go.

It's not rude. Amazed anyone would bother to be offended by this.

missingmumxox · 10/03/2015 23:53

You know what, when friends ask for a reason when I say no, they then get all upset when I say, I don't fancy it, or sorry not my thing, can't think of anything I would want to do less, sorry that friend you mentioned you are inviting make my teeth itch
Not really, but I would rather just say no.

It is never a reflection on the host but I am not a spa, baby shower, knitting bee, book group, high filuting dinner party type of gal.
I do like a BBQs, dinner party with like minded piss heads and a vat of spag Bol.

I if I have said yes I will come, if I have to cancel and to be honest because I am honest in the first place, is a really rare event, I will give a reason and a bloody good and honest one.

Once and once only I cancelled on a friend because I was exhausted really tired, she was fine with it because I am not flaky she knew I was just done in, as I have been to parties when tired knowing most times I would perk up, this time I just knew I would be a miserable fucker, I was in bed by 6.

itsbetterthanabox · 11/03/2015 00:03

This is bizarre. If someone is your friend don't you want to see them unless you have a reason?
If it's something I don't really want to do I'll suggest we do something else we both like instead.

Summerisle1 · 11/03/2015 00:17

I've got two friends who are at opposite ends of this spectrum.

One says "Sorry but no. I won't be doing that". And doesn't.

The other says "Yes, that'll be great. So exciting. Definitely be there! Can't wait!" - and then lets you down on the day. With another flurry of flummery. So sure, you get a comprehensive and effusive set of excuses but they are mainly meaningless.

I know which friend I prefer to deal with and it isn't the second!

So YABU in preferring flattering lies to an honest, if brief, refusal.

SolidGoldBrass · 11/03/2015 00:38

Well, sometimes the 'no' is because the person finds you a complete bore but doesn't want to be rude. Most people would prefer not to be rude even to those they are sick to death of.
Generally, the best thing to do when someone turns down an invitation is to ask them another time, but if they turn down three invitations in a row, stop inviting them and wait for them to suggest something. If they don't, it means they are either not interested in spending more time with you than they have to, or that there is something very significant and time-consuming going on in their own lives.
It's not rude to decline an invitation. It's a bit pushy and rude to continue offering invitations to someone who always declines them, and it is rude to demand that people explain and justify their refusal to attend an event. People who can't/won't take no for an answer without making a fuss are very tiresome.

Lweji · 11/03/2015 00:43

Have you considered the reason may be sensitive? And they may not want to discuss it?

It doesn't have to be about you.

steff13 · 11/03/2015 00:52

I think a simple, "I'm sorry, I won't be able to attend," should be sufficient.

soontobemumofthree · 11/03/2015 00:52

Yabu, unless it is a last minute cancellation, which would be a bit rude.

Tobyjugg · 11/03/2015 02:08

I always give a reason and it's always the same one. "Prior engagement." Sometimes it's a prior engagement with a good book and a cup of tea, but it's still a prior engagement.

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