Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To expect people to give reason why they can't make an event

81 replies

MoanCraft · 10/03/2015 22:33

I mean in a nice friendly sort of 'oh sorry can't make it because Dh won't be back for work on time'.
I've had two friends just say we'll have to pass on that, or won't be coming without any nice let me down gently sort of excuse. I wouldn't mind if they lied and made an excuse up. It would make me feel better.

OP posts:

TiggerLillies · 11/03/2015 02:33

When people pulled out of coming to my wedding I'd have been quite happy for them to have made up am excuse!
If they are declining the invite in the first place I think it's fine to just say 'I'm sorry I can't make it'. Although if it's not their thing and they tell me that, we can make arrangements to do something we both enjoy

AuntieDee · 11/03/2015 02:36

Why do you need a reason? The only reason I can think of for someone wanting a reason is to judge if the reason is good enough, by their standards...

differentnameforthis · 11/03/2015 02:40

Do you know what I love about the friends I have now? The fact that if I say no, or that I can't make it, they don't question it, they don't expect reasons etc. They just say, "fine, let's do it another time"

Friends I had in my 20s always seemed to want to know what I couldn't 'be bothered' to attend their event/go out & get mindlessly pissed. etc

GallicCunt · 11/03/2015 02:53

Another YABU. Sorry. You have to treat people like grown-ups, with their own lives and problems. They don't owe you a drama.

HicDraconis · 11/03/2015 03:03

Ultimately nobody owes anyone a reason for why they aren't attending something. (Obviously except for jury duty or a court summons)

If you've previously agreed to something and then have to pull out it is probably more socially "nice" to give a reason but it's still not compulsory. If you've received an invitation to something you don't want to attend, then absolutely a "no I can't come, sorry" or "no I won't be able to attend" with no further explanation is polite and sufficient.

Whenever I've given a reason for not going to something (childcare, other prior commitment, having to work that night) I have always had someone try to find me a solution (names of babysitters, telling me to pull out of other thing, or swap my call - at a moment's notice, hardly likely to be successful) ... and they see it as finding a solution to a problem for me. Not going to something is never a problem for me because if it were, I'd find a way to be able to attend.

AcrossthePond55 · 11/03/2015 04:07

I agree with PPs. If turning down an initial invitation, no reason is necessary. If canceling a previously accepted invitation at the last minute, it would be nice to give the host/ess a reason. I think the thing to remember is that there may be a very good reason for just saying 'I'm so sorry, we won't be able to attend after all'. No one wants to have to follow that up with 'because we just decided to get a divorce' or 'Junior's in jail'.

Aridane · 11/03/2015 07:16

YABU (unless it's in relation to a previously accepted invitation you are no longer able to go to).

Recently, at work, an overseas manager is to visit our office and we were told we would be going out for an evening meal. I declined the invite, and a colleague/ friend said, oh, what reason did you give? I said I didn't give a reason and didn't need to - and she asked, well, what will I tell them if they ask why you couldn't go? Answer: you don't know.

(Actually, I didn't want to go - don't like the overseas manager, work long hours, and don't particularly want to give up my time on further work-related matters when I could be slumped on the sofa at home watching tv - and didn't see why I would to create a reason / a fictional clashing commitment to support a decline to an invite).

echt · 11/03/2015 07:36

Aridane you are me, though displaced to the northern hemisphere. :o

Never apologise, never explain.

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 11/03/2015 08:11

Aridane you are my hero!

Yabu, op. I can't be bothered making up an excuse when a simple, polite 'aw no thanks but I'd rather not, but thanks for asking' will suffice. More often than not excuses are met with attempts to persuade otherwise well bollocks to that!

londonrach · 11/03/2015 08:19

Yabu and abit rude to request a reason.

cremeeggboycotter · 11/03/2015 08:28

YABU, for one it's an invitation, for two they may not have a reason or want to share.

I've had to let down two very good friends yesterday and sunday, one for this weekend and one for the next and all I said was 'so sorry I can't make it.' I really hope neither are annoyed or frustrated with me, I miscarried my very loved and wanted baby and I can't even bring myself to tell them and put words to that to explain especially as I was about to tell one of them the day that I found my baby had died. So far they haven't questioned me or got annoyed, if they did I don't know what I would do.

You have no idea what they are going through. They may just not want to think of an excuse, they may not have one but they may not be able to tell you the truth and might be going through something.

Bakeoffcake · 11/03/2015 08:31

Does "My dog ate my homework" work ok for you?

KeepitDown · 11/03/2015 08:33

"No thank you, but I appreciate the invite."

I have PTSD that kicks in badly in certain social situations, but do not want to explain the ins and outs of it to everyone.

I used to just make up excuses, but as I've gotten older it's become more and more important to me not to lie about anything, even the small things. I don't like what it does to my mind and how it makes me feel.

I've also come to believe that people who don't want your (polite) honesty either just don't like who you actually are, or expect you to fulfil a function for them (ie. ego-boosting), and get annoyed at your un-biddableness. I am happy for both types of people to self-select themselves out of my life.

Stinkle · 11/03/2015 08:49

YABU

I never give an excuse these days.

I've spent far too much time doing stuff I don't want to do because I've given a bullshit reason and then been talked round.

happygirl87 · 11/03/2015 09:19

Sorry for your loss cremeegg

2rebecca · 11/03/2015 09:28

I'd just accept that their refusal is probably nothing to do with you personally and more to do with them preferring to stay in. I think friends shouldn't have to make excuses to each other.

countessmarkyabitch · 11/03/2015 09:34

yabu, but no is not a complete sentence in actual real life.

Behindthepaintedgarden · 11/03/2015 12:46

YANBU. It comes across as cold and a bit of a snub when people just turn down an invitation. I will always try to give a reason, even if it's just to say 'sorry, not free Friday. Any night next week suit?' or somesuch.

MonstrousRatbag · 11/03/2015 12:51

So sorry cremeegg.

I think it is fair not to give one. People often have difficulties they don't want to talk about.

My father died late last year and I simply could not face people for quite a time. Even someone just asking 'How are you?' was distressing. I couldn't tell the truth (i.e. scream I'M IN AGONY MY BELOVED FATHER IS DEAD AND I CAN'T STAND IT) and I couldn't bring myself to do the conventional lie either.

So trust me, there are times when your friends not giving you a reason is actually doing you a favour!

Bakeoffcake · 11/03/2015 12:53

So sorry creme

SoonToBeMrsB · 11/03/2015 12:54

YABU. I have terrible anxiety and it can make socialising an absolute nightmare. I almost lost my best friend because I didn't go to her wedding - DP couldn't go due to work and the thought of travelling half way up the country alone and spending the day and evening with people I'd never met was just too much.

I stress myself out enough feeling guilty when I have to decline an invitation, I'd rather not add to the stress by having to think up an excuse to make the host feel better.

TheMaddHugger · 11/03/2015 13:00

Even the bloody Queen of England doesn't demand to know why someone isn't attending an event.

miaowmix · 11/03/2015 13:01

I agree with you OP, yanbu! I'd always rather a nice white lie. In fact I often tell my husband to 'just lie, it's easier', when i ask him tricky questions like 'does this dress look nice', etc etc. I just find 'No, sorry' type replies too abrupt. But I possibly over-invest in social sitations...

TheMaddHugger · 11/03/2015 13:01

((((((Huge Hugs cremeeggboycotter ))))))

jemimapuddleduck208 · 11/03/2015 14:33

Genuine excuses aside I think it's incredibly sad that people just can't be bothered to see their friends any more. "No thank you" is a massive snub and very rude. It says "You're not worth my time". Why are you (you general) even friends with people if you don't want to socialise with them and can't even be bothered to give them a decent reason why not? What a horrible nation of hermits we're becoming.

If someone said to me "No thank you" and nothing more, I would never extend an invite to them again. The message is clearly "I can't be bothered to spend time with you and I don't give enough of a crap about you to even bother to give you a reason".

Flip

1 2 3 4