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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect people to give reason why they can't make an event

81 replies

MoanCraft · 10/03/2015 22:33

I mean in a nice friendly sort of 'oh sorry can't make it because Dh won't be back for work on time'.
I've had two friends just say we'll have to pass on that, or won't be coming without any nice let me down gently sort of excuse. I wouldn't mind if they lied and made an excuse up. It would make me feel better.

OP posts:
KumquatMay · 11/03/2015 14:50

Agree with PP that wrt accepting an invitation, YABU. The default situation is them not attending (which is why you're inviting them), therefore people don't need to give a reason as to why they're upholding the default. Sometimes I don't want to go somewhere because it costs money I'm not willing to spend, or time I don't want to give based on what my priorities are, but for me to say "I can't afford it" or "I don't have enough time" is dishonest so I don't do it.

That said, I agree with PP that if cancelling something something then a reason is nice, but it doesn't sound like that's what you're talking about.

KellyElly · 11/03/2015 14:51

I think it's polite to give a reason, that's why I always do. 'Can't make it' just sounds a bit rude for some reason.

Morelikeguidelines · 11/03/2015 14:54

I think of just to say no in first instance.

If cancelling a plan then a reason should be given.

Behindthepaintedgarden · 11/03/2015 14:59

Really don't aree morelike.

"Would you like to come to dinner on Friday night"

"No"

"Are you free to meet up for a chat next week"

"No"

Surely that's very rude?

ShatnersBassoon · 11/03/2015 15:04

There's a polite middle ground, between "Oh, I'd absolutely love to do this so much, but unfortunately I've been invited to dine with Prince Harry. I'm meeting him in Nando's at 7pm, and I imagine I'll have an aperitif and then three courses so it will be after 9pm by the time I could get away..." and "No!"

"I can't, but thanks for the invitation. Perhaps next time."

I don't bore people with excuses or reasons.

DecaffTastesWeird · 11/03/2015 15:05

I think YABU sorry! People miss social events for all sorts of personal reasons they may not wish to share with you. Even if they don't have a 'good' reason but just don't fancy attending, it really isn't your business IMHO. That's the nature of an invitation. It isn't a summons!

DecaffTastesWeird · 11/03/2015 15:07

Also agree with ShatnersBasoon. I probably wouldn't say "no", but something something more polite than that. I was always told when I was little to thank people for their invitation whether I could go or not.

Morelikeguidelines · 11/03/2015 15:08

Ok.

Behindthepaintedgarden · 11/03/2015 15:09

I don't think you need to give a specific reason. But just saying 'sorry, I've something else on that night. Would have loved to come otherwise' sounds so much nicer than 'no, can't make it'.

JassyRadlett · 11/03/2015 15:18

Most of my recent event refusals have been 'so sorry, won't be able to make it.' Because I'm not ready to say 'I have bad morning sickness and am struggling to get through half days at work'. Not ready to share the pregnancy with the world yet.

chrome100 · 11/03/2015 15:32

If it was a play or film I don't like or specific activity I don't fancy I always say "thanks so much for the invitation, it's lovely you thought of me but it's just not my thing. How about we meet on Thursday for a coffee?" (or something)

Unless it's a birthday in which case I'd always go.

I would far rather people be honest.

Last year, we arranged a trip abroad. I called my friend directly before booking the (non-refundable) tickets, she was gushing and enthusiastic so I paid for them. She called me 10 mins later to say she'd changed her mind! Just be straight with me, people!

RedToothBrush · 11/03/2015 15:46

But WHY do they have to do something to appease your feelings?

If they are good friends, you'd know if they just said no, then its not personal and they just couldn't. They wouldn't need to validate their reasons and your feelings.

Which only highlights you having a lack of self confidence in yourself.

I've had two friends just say we'll have to pass on that, or won't be coming without any nice let me down gently sort of excuse. I wouldn't mind if they lied and made an excuse up. It would make me feel better.

I can't make it. The circus is in town this weekend and the traffic will be hell. I'll never be there on time.

Feel better?

RoadRunnersMate · 11/03/2015 16:57

Recently my not so ds fell out with me as I had declined an invite to dniece bday celebration (not on her actual birthday) as I had already made plans. she was fine the first time I declined but in the days leading up to it she asked again and I reminded her I wasnt coming.
Cue rant at my selfishness Amongst other things.

Im not flakey and it wasnt a milestone birthday She just pissed off that I didnt bend to her will.
People should just accept a simple no I cant make it or have already msdr plans And no more.

GammonAndEgg · 11/03/2015 17:00

My friend invited me to a ballet and I told her I'd rather stick pins in my own eyes.
Is that polite? Grin

MajesticWhine · 11/03/2015 17:07

I usually give a reason for declining an invite. I think it's ok not to, but perhaps socially a little more aware to give a reason. It shows awareness of others' feelings. For a work do or something then there is no need at all, but with friends, it seems kinder.

PUGaLUGS · 11/03/2015 17:09

Yabu.

itsbetterthanabox · 11/03/2015 17:24

Majesticwhine what you said exactly.
If people are your friends you talk to them honestly. You should care about them and their feelings. If you can't do that then why are you friends?

itsbetterthanabox · 11/03/2015 17:26

Roadrunners it's you niece. At least give a reason.
I think the point is people feel you don't care if you prioritise small things over important things for them. That's why you give a reason.

DrHarleenFrancesQuinzel · 11/03/2015 17:40

I hate lying and feel really uncomfortable with it so I actually say yes and do the thing that I really dont want to do.

I can't see a problem with not giving a specific reason.

Im currently looking for work and I had a call from someone at an agency regarding an interview (for a job that Im not so sure about) Ive had to say no to the times I was offered as I already have 2 interviews tomorrow afternoon and still need to get from one to the other. Its easily doable, but I didn't want to add another interview in another part of town again to that. I also didn't want to tell him why I wasn't going to be able to make it as they are through another agency. I felt so awkward especially as he was trying to find other times for me.

I need to be more assertive in general anyway, but would love to just say "no, sorry not my thing, but would love to catch up with you another time though". Going to try that from now on when I need to.

Aeroflotgirl · 11/03/2015 18:09

I'll pass on that is very rude, and abrupt, an I'm sorry I won't be able to make it! Sounds much better.

championnibbler · 11/03/2015 18:24

If someone can give a reason for not attending, that's well and good.
if not, i do think you have to let it go.
when i was younger, i used to think i had to explain all of my choices to all and sundry.
nowadays though i don't, primarily because i don't give a shit any more. Grin

Aeroflotgirl · 11/03/2015 18:32

Yes champion but don't be rude about it. Just say I am very sorry I am not able to.

GallicCunt · 11/03/2015 18:59

Absolutely true excuses I can remember giving ...
I'm in rehab
I'm having a miscarriage
I've got dysentery
I'm at my father's funeral
I'm at my FIL's funeral
I'm having a breakdown
I've got shingles
My best friend has died
My husband's just left me
My flight's been cancelled and there isn't another one for a week
... all because the person on the other end of the phone would not accept a polite "I'm really sorry, I won't be able to make it", pressuring me when I wasn't able to take it, and still they didn't believe me!
So that's why I don't like being pushed for reasons, and never do it myself.

If the true reason's nothing more than being tired, broke, stressed or not in the mood, it's still insensitive to push. We ought to respect one another's choices.

Harleen, it would have been simpler to just say "Something's come up and I'm sorry, I can't make any appointments today. When would be the next best time?"
:)

vinoandbrie · 11/03/2015 19:15

YABU.

I declined a party invite a while back for DD. The real reason was that ridiculous conditions were being put on what guests could wear, and I just thought god that is bonkers on so many levels.

Her party, her rules, but all I said was 'I'm sorry, DD1 is unable to attend'. End of.

SurlyCue · 11/03/2015 19:23

YABU

I decided a few years ago to stop justifying myself to people. as if ive done something wrong!? Its made me a lot happier. I dont owe anyone an explanation about what I do with my time.