Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to anti joint accounts ?

111 replies

mrsfuzzy · 09/03/2015 22:26

my 2nd husband and myself had a joint account with around £1000 init at the time of our split, i drew out half [i'm not greedy] to help pay bills, whilst waiting for benefits etc to kick in as i was a sahm to 4 young dcs, and he kicked off big time as he wanted all the money in the account to pay for his solicitor ! - 3rd dh wanted a joint account -for himself, and no.4 says no way, he had a very bad experience with his ex and money. what do other mners think about it ? sounds good on paper but what happens if it goes wrong ?

OP posts:
Sallycinnamum · 10/03/2015 10:37

I would never have a joint account with DH because, and I've said this before on MN, a very experienced lawyer advised me years ago when I was going through a very messy split, that he had two pieces of advice for me and women in general: one was to get married if I had children and the other was to maintain my financial independence and retain my own bank account no matter what.

Having seen numerous friends go through awful seperations and their husbands take every penny out of their joint current and savings accounts, I think the lawyer was probably on to something.

merrymouse · 10/03/2015 10:42

Realistically, once you have taken out mortgage, bills, household and child related costs, who has any money left to argue over anyway?

SomewhereIBelong · 10/03/2015 11:17

No mortgage, no childcare - plenty left...

DuelingFanjo · 10/03/2015 11:22

'bills get paid and we have our own money to spend as we wish'

this is how it has been in both my relationships - one 12 year unmarried, and now my marriage.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 10/03/2015 11:26

None in our house merry Smile

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 10/03/2015 11:30

Toffee what I meant is I much prefer having access to all our funds, rather than having a separate amount transferred to me! My DH doesn't care what I spend out of the joint account, he sees it as my money as much as his as being at home with the children enables him to go out and do his fairly high powered, high stress job. I manage all our finances even though I don't contribute to them, so what good would a separate account do me?! It's our money, not my money and his money.

I think you misunderstood my post.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 10/03/2015 11:32

Art I suppose that makes sense, although in our case that would just end up with DH transferring half to me then me transferring 90% back to pay half the rent/bills etc. It just wouldn't make sense in our household.

MadeInChorley · 10/03/2015 11:44

We're almost 100% joint accounts. DH and I are on the same page financially and everything is transparent so we see what we are spending and savings and big purchases are agreed on. We think the same about money and spending which is why it works well and trust each other. Neither of us is particularly extravagant or miserly. Occasionally, we disagree about spending, but at least we both understand exactly what we earn, spend and save and can check matters if we need to so there are no nasty surprises!

The only thing separate is my "running away account" which has some money in it if I have to run off with the children because he is abusing me GrinGrin It is a joke between us, but not a joke really , because I come from a family where my DM was financially and emotionally abused by my father so it's my safety net. The DCs have savings accounts.

ToffeeLatteplease · 10/03/2015 11:50

[facepalm] Joint accounts do not make everything transparent.

You will never have transparent with someone who does not want to be transparent, joint account or not.

Joint accounts do not prevent someone from running up debts on the sly if they want to run up debts on the sly.

Joint credits cards do not exist. You may be a secondary card holder, but you only have permission to see what the account holder wants you to see. If you are married you can still end up liable if you divorce

I don't mind bitter tbh. At least I am financially secure

Naivety was very expensive

Purplepoodle · 10/03/2015 11:51

Not for us im afraid. All bills come out of my account and OH gives me money each week.

Viviennemary · 10/03/2015 11:57

Well you should find a fifth DH that agrees with you over how your finances should be organised. That's the best solution to the problem.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 10/03/2015 12:03

DH and I have always had a joint account, married at 22 and still together 13 years later. However I would never just live with a man and have children (am now a SAHM). Marriage is better protection for me than just having a partner, especially as I'm not working.

Both DH and I have our own accounts for our own hobbies, we move a little in each month. I guess it is a risk that DH could withdraw the lot and do a bunk, but so could I Grin. He's the earner now so there isn't much left at the end of the month anyway, and I wouldn't have anything to contribute financially either.

MadeInChorley · 10/03/2015 12:11

Joint accounts are transparent if you know how much someone earns and 100% goes in. The subterfuge starts if you have separate accounts and don't know what is held back. (although not criticising separate accounts).

I know what DH earns - saw this year's salary letter last month - and 100% of that goes into our account and 100% of my (20% of what DH earns) salary goes in. We then move money into savings accounts if we need to.

If a lesser sum appeared then I would know DH is syphoning off money into his clandestine affairs , secret life and gambling account Wink Sure, he could take out a credit card without me knowing and run up debts (in his own name) but it would have to be paid off out of that salary and then i'd know family money was being diverted and start divorce proceedings Grin

Look, if someone is inherently untrustworthy or crap with money then joint accounts are vulnerable, but they are still transparent

CrystalCove · 10/03/2015 12:15

I couldnt see us working any other way part from a joint account, always done it with DH, who now has his own account recently as its a business acoount and hes self-employed. I think the people who say it helps if you have similar attitudes to money are right but at the end of the day as long as it works for you, it doesnt really matter. The reason a joint account works for us as its always been a case of "our" money as opposed to "mine" and "his", regardless of who is earning the most. I will say its "my" wages for example but once its in the account its our money.

ToffeeLatteplease · 10/03/2015 12:24

What makes your finances relatively transparent is access to your DHs wage slip not joint accounts. You can have that without joint accounts.

You can still hide money with the joint account setup

your view of credit cards is simplistic. It isn't always that black and white.

My advice to my daughter (Sahm or not). Don't get married, get a good lawyer to define the legal bits how you want them defined. Don't rely on an institution to define them for you

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 10/03/2015 12:27

Toffee if you know exactly what your DH earns and you see it go into your bank account each month, how can money be hidden?
I know how the CC system works as I worked for a credit card company for 4 years.

merrymouse · 10/03/2015 12:34

[facepalm] Joint accounts do not make everything transparent.

But [facepalm] nobody has said that a joint account makes other accounts that aren't the joint account transparent. If you want to scam somebody of course a joint account won't protect them.

However, if both parties have access to a joint account and can see what is being spent they are both able to manage the funds and see the money coming in and the mortgage going out and bills being paid.

Similarly if I run a business one of the co-signatories to the business bank account could abscond with all the money and I might have to take them to court, but generally businesses have a business bank account with more than one person authorised to release funds because otherwise life is a bit of a faff.

I think these discussions really depend on how much money is available after essentials. If DH or I ran away with all the money, we wouldn't be so much screwing each other as leaving the children homeless and without money to buy food. I work on the basis that neither of us would do that. On the other hand, if one of us is suddenly taken ill we can both see which bills have been paid and access cash.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 10/03/2015 12:45

Agree Merry. I think the reason it works so well for us is that there isn't actually all that money available! After rent/bills/food etc are paid we're only left with about £200 between us for the month (on a good month!) which is hardly worth arguing over.

TheChandler · 10/03/2015 12:50

If 3 of your 4 husbands have raised issues with having a joint account with you, perhaps its time for you to take a different approach?

ToffeeLatteplease · 10/03/2015 12:52

If DH or I ran away with all the money, we wouldn't be so much screwing each other as leaving the children homeless and without money to buy food. I work on the basis that neither of us would do that.

That's a good basis to work on.

However hope you never have to find out first hand why I NOW don't anymore. Or for that matter how much harder joint accounts are if u happen to be proved wrong.

Yes maybe marginally more easier if it all works out good.

MadeInChorley · 10/03/2015 13:01

Toffee, as I mentioned, my father financially and emotionally abused my DM for years - to the point of committing fraud, another story - so I'm pretty alive to the risks and fears of 100% joint v partially or totally separate finances. I'm also a lawyer.

Sure someone can withdraw the lot and run away, but there would be red flags before that happened, including (I'm pretty sure) anomalous spending on the bank accounts. But I'd be more Hmm if they were secretive about "their" accounts. It's the best way of managing family money and ironing out disparities in income. Doesn't mean that sometimes we don't go "What the actual Fuck!?" When I see he's bought a new bike accessory or he is Hmmabout another new top I bought. But can talk about it.

By insisting on100% joint finances it is transparent and you can spot financial irregularities (for want of a better expression)

ToffeeLatteplease · 10/03/2015 14:27

MadeinCorley - Am I your mum? I assumed my experiences were fairly unique.

You hit the nail on the head. There will be red flags.

But the thing about red flags is all too often we ignore them until it's too late. In my case what were a few financial irregulaties compared to divorce. The prospect of tying up all the significant financial connections and going it along on little salary (having jointly chosen that I should postpone my career to have children) and two very small children seemed unappealing compared to putting up with a few financial irregularities.

I know the theory about marriage being the best protection, credit cards only being the responsibility of the main card holder etc. I could have easily argued your point when I was married, "It could never happen to me cos my "D"H would never leave me or the children destitute" .

It's just experience teaches you that sometimes theory is just that, a theory. Life doesn't always follow the theory.

The biggest benefit to NOT being married and NOT having joint accounts is that it is easier to listen to those red flags, easier to walk away.

Macsmurray · 10/03/2015 15:27

My DP and I have separate accounts. All the bills are in her name as I moved in with her. We worked out the bills and I transfer half the amount over to her account each month. We roughly share shopping bills petrol etc as and when we shop, what we half left is our own. (I do like to go over half on my share as I earn more than she does, not a huge amount more but enough for me to think it's only fair).

Strokethefurrywall · 10/03/2015 16:22

DH and I always had separate accounts before we married, now we have one joint account that my entire salary goes into which pays all the bills, and he has a bank account that all his salary goes into which we then transfer into a savings account in my bank. The savings account is also solely in my name so he wouldn't be able to empty it.

I know how much he has because he sends me his pay slips, and we have to physically transfer cash between his bank and the one with our joint account/my account (offshore banking systems really annoying!)
But considering I have access to all other accounts including savings and I pay all bills and do all online banking, it seems that he needs to have more trust in me than I do in him!

I'm happy to have a joint account as we both have similar attitudes to money and earn a similar amount, but only as long as I'm in charge of handling it all...

MiddleAgedandConfused · 10/03/2015 18:22

We share everything. Always have. Too complicated otherwise.

Swipe left for the next trending thread