A six year old should be capable of feeding himself?

[Handsup]

My friend still has to sit and physically feed her 6 and half year old. He'll feed himself at school but once home it's her job again. Aibu to think 'sort it out?'.

Apologies Giles. I totally read it wrong

Of course, it's possible to say no. But why would I?

It's ok happens when there's lots of cross posts.

Why wouldnt you Keturah? You know the child is very capable why enable them?

But why would you say yes. genuinely curious here. why would you regress 4 years and feed a school age child

Why give mixed messages? Its like potty training and putting a nappy back on.

"But why would you say yes"

Because she asked nicely, I have the time, it makes her happy and causes no harm.

Same as, will you carry me? Can I do your hair? Read me a story? Can I fall asleep in your bed? Or a hundred other little requests.

It isnt the same.

Can you carry me, is a no.
Can you do my hair, is a yes.
Can you read me a story is a definite yes.
Can i fall asleep in your bed is a no.

Children need boundaries.

This is perfectly normal in some cultures. The adults manage to eat with utensils perfectly fine.

I wouldn't do it, because god, what a faff! I didn't even do it as a baby But what a total total waste of energy to judge them for it. Kid will get embarrassed/fed up eventually, end of issue. Can you seriously imagine a ten year old or a thirteen or sixteen year old letting his mother feed him?

IIRC the natural cut off point at which it stops is about eight, obviously dependent on the child themselves and the parents' attitude to it.

Of course they need boundaries. But falling asleep in my bed or being carried isn't a problem.

If the parents want to do it, that's their choice. Leave them to it. The child obviously can feed himself and does do it at school so no reason why he can't do it everywhere else as well. Except at home.

At some point he will decide to stop. He won't want his mum spoon feeding him when he is 14 will he.

To think I got my judgy pants on when an acquaintance of mine was following her 3 year old trying to feed him morsels of food!

IMO a parent should not feed achild without additional needs because:

1. it is our job to teach them independence and allowing them this 'luxury' teaches them that if they moan enough someone will do it for them.
2. for me it represents them treating a parent like a servant
3. there is a dignity to doing things for yourself - it is why old people often hate having things done for them
4. being expected to feed another capable human being means you have to let your dinner go cold or you don't eat together

it is perfectly lovely to want to do things for your children but do they appreciate it or do they expect it?

PrettyFeet it's possible to still have boundaries while allowing all of those things. I have always carried DS when I could, he is six now and doesn't ask to be carried except occasionally as part of a game which I instigated. I don't know when he stopped, he just did.

Likewise bed sharing is not inherently harmful and hence the boundary is up to a parent's preference. I would imagine most parents who are happy to bedshare with older kids have boundaries around this, such as not hogging all the space in the bed, not poking/scratching/generally bothering the other person in bed, not wriggling around, being quiet, etc.

I get you're saying you're a lovely mum Keturah.

I am still an advocate of independence, it doesnt mean you can't cuddle them to death or tell them you love them every day etc.

When a child can do something for themselves or sleep by themselves it's a fantastic milestone for "them". It deserves praise. Not a muddled back track.

Our "needs" should not come into it.

Sounds like your "need" to have your child be as independent as possible is very important to you Pretty. I'm sure you're a great mum too.

I didnt have a need about it Keturah.

I let my child eat as much as he wanted and left it at that.
When he walked at a certain age without a pushchair unless I knew he was very tired I never carried him.
He had his own bed/room and slept in it. Of course he came in for a cuddle in the morning.

Pretty, your parenting style is as much about your needs and what is important to you as anyone else is.

They are a gift and on loan they aren't ours. I love my child more than life itself and knew that it was no longer about my "needs". My role as a parent is to teach secure independence.

Ket are you my Mum? She loves babies, the only interesting people to her have babies or are babies. She treats toddlers like babies and children like toddlers, I remember asking for toys for birthdays that were younger than my age group because I needed to be younger for her. I wanted make up damn it not sylvanian families.
But if you heard her talk she would say it was all me, because I was a 'young 5' then a 'young 6'. I find it hard to believe that many children would want to stay young when growing up is approved of.

Interesting that you see your parenting as so objective Pretty!

No, I'm afraid I wouldn't describe my DD as young for her age Rabbit, she's very confident and outgoing and despite being one of the youngest in her year you wouldn't know it. Liking to be cuddled and carried isn't babyish.

In fact I would say she has more freedom and independence than is generally approved of on mums net

To bring up a solid, loved, independent human being is my role where my son is concerned. He's now 17 and absolutely takes my breath away by the way he is. I couldnt be more proud.

They are a gift and on loan they aren't ours.

Who do we have to give them back to then?

I'm sure you've done a great job Pretty, but your way certainly isn't the best or only way - it's just the way that suited you. Billions of people around the world manage to raise children with other values and priorities.

at fairenuff. You know exactly what I mean.

Keturah - you sound like a lovely mum too. I was just saying that an independent achievement is not something to be back-tracked on. Its important and push-pulling is usually down to the adults needs not the childs.