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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish my grandmother could have a funeral?

77 replies

ProfessionalPencilSharpener · 09/03/2015 14:20

Any opinions much appreciated - it's my first time posting here, and I really can't decide whether I'm being selfish or not :(

My lovely grandmother, in her late eighties, is terminally ill, and won't be with us much longer. Weeks, really. My mother and uncles have spoken to my grandmother regarding her funeral, and she has several requests (special hymns, where she would like her ashes to be scattered, etc.)

My grandfather, who has always been narcissistic, self-centred and controlling, has completely disregarded my grandmother's wishes and announced that there will be no funeral, nor will her ashes be scattered as requested. He doesn't want the expense of the funeral, being notoriously tight-fisted. He has done nothing whatsoever to care for my grandmother during her last illness; he hasn't so much as made her a cup of tea. He complains about nurses visiting her and interrupting his tv schedule, and is miffed that he is no longer the centre of attention (his words).

Having said that - am I being unreasonable in wanting my grandmother to have a funeral? And would it be unreasonable of other family members to press ahead with arrangements? It's so important to my grandmother, and while I understand my grandfather is grieving (having lost a spouse myself), how can I explain that a funeral means a lot to her and everyone she leaves behind? She was a wonderful grandmother and deserves to have her final wishes respected. But on the other hand, he is her husband - losing his wife - it would be unkind to add to his unhappiness and telling him how we feel will upset him. But am I being unreasonable to consider telling him? :(

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 09/03/2015 14:24

Time for family to rally around and all chip in to give your darling grandmother the send off she deserves. Can't you and another family member take over arrangements?

smellyfishead · 09/03/2015 14:25

YANBU his attitude stinks and he sounds awful. yes your gm should have a funeral, have her ashes scattered etc. These are her wishes, not his. If he doesn't want to pay for or arrange stuff that's his prerogative but he cannot disregard what her wishes were and go against them. As a family I would carry on and arrange a funeral etc regardless. I wouldn't bother telling him you all feel unhappy etc, I doubt you will get a good reaction, just ignore his silly selfish behaviour and go ahead making plans.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/03/2015 14:25

Oerhapse all work together to help

RedSoloCup · 09/03/2015 14:26

I am a bit aghast, doesn't pretty much everyone have a funeral of some description? I didn't even know there was any other option :-o....

Aeroflotgirl · 09/03/2015 14:26

Don't involve this bully in any of it. I woukd ask her wether she wants in him there if you have time alone with her.

Babyroobs · 09/03/2015 14:31

What does he plan to do with her body if he doesn't want a funeral? I would make sure another family member collects the death certificate after death as without this you won't be able to go ahead with funeral arrangements. It is usually the next of kin that does this so could your grandma nominate someone else as her nok? Andmake sure she puts all her wishes down in writing whilst she is still able.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/03/2015 14:34

I agree babyroobs, start sorting affaires out now. Consult a solicitor.

smellyfishead · 09/03/2015 14:34

yes I second what other poster said, can she give you power of attorney or something similar so someone else then becomes the next of kin??

Best to try and organise everything possible whilst she's still here and can have a say

Flowers
Original poster
ProfessionalPencilSharpener · 09/03/2015 14:37

Thank you all so much for your kind replies.

Aero, you hit the nail on the head - he is a bully. But no one has ever said as much, and no one has ever disregarded his wishes before. So his children are loathe to do it now, at a time like this. It's always been the path of least resistance, and he's been allowed to treat his children terribly at times. But I just can't accept that my grandmothers last wishes should be accorded so little respect. She's a wonderful mother and grandmother. She doesn't deserve this. I just can't shake the feeling that I'm being unkind and insensitive for feeling like this, for thinking his wishes aren't more important than his family's.

OP posts:
LittleBearPad · 09/03/2015 14:39

Your grandmother's wishes are the most important. She needs a funeral of some kind, is it possible he doesn't want to acknowledge she's going to die and this is his way of doing so?

Nolim · 09/03/2015 14:40

Yanbu Flowers

AnyFucker · 09/03/2015 14:43

I would just go ahead and ignore him

being bereaved does not excuse arseholery of these proportions

CaffeLatteIceCream · 09/03/2015 14:44

Wow...he sounds like an arse.

If your GM wants a funeral, she should get one. Can the family club together and pay for it?

I am not sure how it works though. As her next of kin, does he have to give permission after she's gone. Or can she give her own permission in advance?

Maybe you could call a funeral service for advice. I expect they know the legalities and what can be done.

I hope her last weeks are as pain free and and peaceful as possible. She sounds like a lovely lady :)

SaskiaRembrandtWasFramed · 09/03/2015 14:46

You aren't being unkind, far from it. I'm sorry you and your family are going through such a difficult time Flowers

Original poster
ProfessionalPencilSharpener · 09/03/2015 14:46

Babyroobs, my grandmother has written her wishes down, and signed it, but it means nothing to my grandfather. He insists (despite professionals advising him of proper procedure) that he'll call an ambulance when my grandmother passes, they'll take her to the crematorium, and the police will return her in an urn :(

There's just no talking to him, really. I visited a few days ago and he told me I was spoiled and stealing food from my children's mouths for buying a newspaper and bottle of water for the train journey. I tried to laugh it off and said "I don't think I am - I was thirsty!" - and he had a panic attack, because I contradicted him.

OP posts:
worksallhours · 09/03/2015 14:48

I don't actually think he has a choice.

I was under the impression that, unless you leave your body to science, you had to have some form of coffin and either a cremation and interment of ashes, or a burial.

Those requirements will incur cost, whether your GF likes it or not.

LittleBearPad · 09/03/2015 14:48

Does he have any legitimate money worries?

SwearySwearyQuiteContrary · 09/03/2015 14:50

If he makes it too difficult, you and the family could organise a wonderful Humanist memorial service instead at a later date.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

paxtecum · 09/03/2015 14:55

Can someone talk to the family doctor about this and maybe have him 'certified' as incapable to act as the next of kin (or similiar)?
Could your Grandma be moved to a Hospice?

How many children and grandchildren does you Grandma have and would are they capable of standing up together against their father?

Your grandfather sounds awful, I wish you all strength to carry out your lovely grandma's wishes.

MaryWestmacott · 09/03/2015 14:57

I would sugest you tell him now that's not going to happen, that he will be expected to pay for the crem, the removal of the body, and if he leaves it to the state, he'll get a nasty bill. Do the tough talking now, before she's gone. Tell him that he will have to pay if he likes it or not, unless your grandmother is declared one of the few people entitled to a free funeral, and if she owns half the house, has savings etc and dies with assets, that's not the case.

You might as a family need to sound out if you can club together to offer to pay 'the difference'.

He sounds an arse and about time someone stood up to him. Tell him he's wrong, so would he like to find out the embarrassing way, or face it now like a grown up. Tell your grandmother you will make sure she gets her wishes.

gamerchick · 09/03/2015 14:58

I don't actually think it works like that. You can't just dispose of a body like that there are procedures Confused

Maybe you need some proper advice if he's going to be difficult?

PurpleWithRed · 09/03/2015 14:59

Well he's going to be sadly disappointed when she passes and he dials 999 - the ambulance service certainly won't take her anywhere. If the death is expected they'll tell him to inform the GP (if they attend at all), if it's unexpected they'll inform the police who will handle the arrangements for coroner/PM but certainly won't be funding cremation for her.

He is a selfish arse. I do hope you ignored his 'panic attack'.

AnyFucker · 09/03/2015 14:59

he doesn't sound like he has all his faculties, tbh

ilovesooty · 09/03/2015 15:00

I don't know how you can proceed but I just wanted to say I'm sorry for what you're going through and I hope your lovely grandmother's wishes can be carried out.

StatisticallyChallenged · 09/03/2015 15:04

I know it won't resolve the issues around cremation, but if she wants a religious service (I'm guessing as she's chosen hymns) could you speak to the priest/minister about doing a memorial service/service of remembrance or similar so at least she can have the service and family and friends can gather to remember her?

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