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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wish my grandmother could have a funeral?

77 replies

ProfessionalPencilSharpener · 09/03/2015 14:20

Any opinions much appreciated - it's my first time posting here, and I really can't decide whether I'm being selfish or not :(

My lovely grandmother, in her late eighties, is terminally ill, and won't be with us much longer. Weeks, really. My mother and uncles have spoken to my grandmother regarding her funeral, and she has several requests (special hymns, where she would like her ashes to be scattered, etc.)

My grandfather, who has always been narcissistic, self-centred and controlling, has completely disregarded my grandmother's wishes and announced that there will be no funeral, nor will her ashes be scattered as requested. He doesn't want the expense of the funeral, being notoriously tight-fisted. He has done nothing whatsoever to care for my grandmother during her last illness; he hasn't so much as made her a cup of tea. He complains about nurses visiting her and interrupting his tv schedule, and is miffed that he is no longer the centre of attention (his words).

Having said that - am I being unreasonable in wanting my grandmother to have a funeral? And would it be unreasonable of other family members to press ahead with arrangements? It's so important to my grandmother, and while I understand my grandfather is grieving (having lost a spouse myself), how can I explain that a funeral means a lot to her and everyone she leaves behind? She was a wonderful grandmother and deserves to have her final wishes respected. But on the other hand, he is her husband - losing his wife - it would be unkind to add to his unhappiness and telling him how we feel will upset him. But am I being unreasonable to consider telling him? :(

OP posts:

dietstartstmoz · 09/03/2015 17:29

OP- i am sorry to hear you are having such distress with this whilst you should be spending time with your grandmother. We didnt have the same experience but there was a family rift anyway, but when DH's wonderful grandmother passed away one side of the family just wanted a simple service at the crem. No flowers and no gathering afterwards. DH's grandmother loved a drink, and a party and was in the pub every saturday night in her 80's. Anyway, my DH organised a wake and we contacted everyone and told them the arrangements. The wake was paid for by our side of the family and it was lovely to meet her friends and see them having a whisky . We just did 2 seperate things. Your grandmother would have to have a funeral. Can you organise it? Your grandmother may be able to have her say now with the funeral directors if she is up to it and request what she wants.

MsGee · 09/03/2015 17:31

Also - I don't think that we had to prove that we were executors of the will in arranging the funeral. I did most of the arranging and they didn't ever need to speak to DH, they took my word that this was what he had decided and did all arrangements through me (I was not an executor of the will).

MsGee · 09/03/2015 17:33

Also ... we did what dietstarts did - we had an open house with pictures of MIL and a few drinks and some food, so that people could pay their respects in a less formal way.

Gemzybelle · 09/03/2015 17:37

Sorry if I missed anything but are there other members of the family involved with GM's care right now? If he refuses to even make her a cup of tea and is moaning about nurses having access then someone needs to intervene and do it now.

The ONLY person who is important right now is GM. He needs to be told to wind his neck in and quick. Being old is not an excuse for being a total twat.

GingerLDN · 09/03/2015 17:46

She must have a funeral if that's what she wants. Please do not back down you would forever feel regret I think. He sounds horrible and domineering and it sounds like it would be much easier just to back down but you mustn't.

SirVixofVixHall · 09/03/2015 17:51

I agree-dementia. All last rites cost money, which comes out of the dead persons estate. Cremation is the cheapest option, but regardless, I think your Grandfather is not in his right mind, and that you should try and get someone else down as NOK and as having POA as pps have said. I'm sorry you are losing your lovely Grandmother.

GColdtimer · 09/03/2015 17:53

Op, sorry you are in this situation. How terrible. I hope you manage to give your grandmother the send off she wants.

MrsGee sorry to pry but do you mind me asking why did you not let mil's friends go to her cremation? Was it your MILs request? My mums friend's family did something similar and my mum was devastated. She just couldn't understand it and still feels sad. Family never gave a reason.

GColdtimer · 09/03/2015 17:57

Like others have said, perhaps ask if your rand mother is up to writing a will and appointing members of the family who won't be bullied as executors.

Chillyegg · 09/03/2015 17:57

I'm so sorry your going through what you are.

Hears a few links that might help with actual procedure;

www.gov.uk/after-a-death/overview

www.ageuk.org.uk/money-matters/legal-issues/what-to-do-when-someone-dies/what-to-do-first-when-someone-dies/

Fortunately in all the literature I've just quickly skim read your grandad would not at all be able to so what he intends. Your grandma has to have a funeral and the state will not pick up the tab. Nor will the police be picking anyone up or dropping him of.

I'd quite frankly tell him straight, rally your family together see if you can pay the cost and remind your grandad that if he wants anyone to actually speak to him after your grandma passes he might want to buck his ideas up.

He sounds like a truly terrible human being.

MsGee · 09/03/2015 18:26

twofalls MIL committed suicide last year, 3 months after FIL died (which was less than 3 months after being diagnosed with leukemia).

MIL was clear that DH should do as he wished re the funeral and expressed no wishes other than scattering of ashes (which we followed). He simply could not face another funeral, particularly under the circumstances and was basically in survival mode. Our feeling was that it is one thing to decide not to have a formal funeral for a parent, but another for a funeral to go ahead without you. I think most of her close friends understood. I am sure that privately some wished there had been a funeral, but all were supportive that DH got to make this decision and understood. I think that they were pleased that we put on something at the house so that they could pay their respects though.

GColdtimer · 09/03/2015 18:34

MsGee, so sorry. What an awful time for you and what a tough decision. Lovely you did something for friends and family and I am sure they understood. I think it was the lack of communication about anything that upset my mum. Especially as her friend had told her what songs she wanted and that she wanted to put in a proper afternoon tea. My mum and her friends all went out for a lovely afternoon tea instead but it was hard for them. She felt the family didn't care but I said they must have had their reasins.

Original poster

ProfessionalPencilSharpener · 10/03/2015 22:24

I just wanted to thank every one of you for your lovely, compassionate, helpful replies! I was sat reading them in floods of tears last night - I'm sorry for not replying to everyone individually, but you're all wonderful and you've helped me more than you know. You gave me courage!

I can't tell you how grateful I am - because posting this, and realizing that maybe I wasn't being unreasonable, gave me the nudge I needed to sit down with my grandfather last night and tell him that the family will be organizing my grandmothers funeral. I talked about it as though it were already agreed and settled, and asked if he would like to be involved. He doesn't, and doesn't want to attend, but is no longer fighting to prevent us from going ahead. He tried, but I wasn't going to back down. Not this time. My husband and I are taking care of the financial side of things, and so he's happy thats no longer a concern. There'll be a funeral with hymns and flowers and a reception, exactly as she wanted.

My wonderful grandmother died this afternoon. She was a fantastic storyteller, a fabulous cook. She had a wicked sense of humour and the greenest thumbs I've ever known. Animals and children adored her. I still can't believe I'll never hear her voice again.

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart!

OP posts:

gamerchick · 10/03/2015 22:30

I'm so sorry

facedontfit · 10/03/2015 22:49

for you and your Grandmother.

Well done for standing up to your Grandfather so you can do what your Grandma wanted. You should be very proud of yourself especially at such a difficult time.

meandjulio · 10/03/2015 22:51

to you Professional, just shows that honesty, love and bravery so often mean the best outcome.

justmyview · 10/03/2015 23:01

Oh, how sad she died, I think we all hold out for a miracle until the end.

But .......... I am pleased that you spoke with your grandfather and agreed to hold a funeral after all. His choice not to attend. Some people are very pragmatic and feel that once the family member has died, then you can't do any more for them

I hope the funeral goes smoothly and most people can go

jaynebxl · 10/03/2015 23:07

Sorry for your loss. She sounds like a wonderful woman. Well done OP for sticking up for her wishes.

AnyFucker · 10/03/2015 23:20

I am very sorry. I trust you will give you DGM a fitting send off

FishWithABicycle · 10/03/2015 23:32

So sorry for your loss. I hope that you and all the wider family find comfort in celebrating her life with the funeral she wanted.

GColdtimer · 10/03/2015 23:35

So sorry for your loss. What a wonderful grandmother. I am glad you are able to give her the send off she wanted. I hope it brings you comfort.

Aeroflotgirl · 11/03/2015 07:15

so sorry for your loss op . Thank you for updating, your gran would be so proud of you for standing up for her and giving her a dignified send if that would be so fitting. Well done you .

Secondly please stop making excuses for this bully, please read the op, grandfather has always been narcissisticand controlling, family have been afraid to stand up to him, except now.

MinceSpy · 11/03/2015 07:20

I'm sorry for your loss. Glad you have so many happy memories of her.

Honeypot1 · 11/03/2015 07:50

Oh OP, I feel your pain.

I'll go against the "he's an arse" tide though and say he sounds scared and stuck in his ways. He is losing someone who has loved him for as long as he can remember and having never been in this situation before, he doesn't know what to do. By presenting this horrible front he knows that should his worst fears (being left alone) happen it's because he pushed you away, not that you chose not to support him in his old age.

I speak from experience. The death of my loving grandma 15 years ago gave me the chance to get to know my grandfather properly. A man who was once grumpy and selfish became my friend. When she died his whole world turned upside down practically speaking (learning to cook, clean etc), he had a lifetime of guilt to deal with (he knew he'd taken his wife for granted) and he lost his best friend. Together, we built his single life. It took years of grieving to do, but he was happy in the end.

Time to hold his hand, tell him you're scared too but will tackle your joint loss together. He may be stubborn and resist but know he is frightened and be equally stubborn - whether he likes it or not, however much he resists, with or without your grandma you love him and will be there for him.

And best of luck. I lost my new-found friendly grandad last year and the pain is still raw.

VegasIsBest · 11/03/2015 08:01

Sorry to hear the sad news about your grandma. Well done for standing up to your grandfather and ensuring that she has all funeral that will bring people together to remember their love for her. Hope all the arrangements go ok.

AliceInSandwichLand · 11/03/2015 09:35

I am so sorry to hear about your situation and wanted to add another voice saying that even a no-funeral-funeral costs money. My father died in the summer, and we had decided as a family to have no formal funeral - he'd had dementia for years, had never believed in any sort of religion, had no surviving friends and a very small family - so we found a local company that does a no-frills service, as others have described, whereby they collected the body, arranged for the cremation, and we then collected the ashes when convenient (we plan to scatter them privately some time this summer), with no funeral service at all. For us, this was absolutely the right solution, but it was by no means cost free - altogether it cost about £2000. I don't think an economical conventional funeral would be drastically more than that anyway, would it? You are absolutely right to try to observe the wishes of your grandmother. Good luck.

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