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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think the parents of the Syria girls need to take a bit more responsibility?

374 replies

exmrs · 09/03/2015 08:19

On the news today the parents are demanding an apology from the police as the police knew apparently a friend of theirs had already gone to Syria and the police didn't contact them.
I find it strange that they don't take a bit more responsibility to the situation.

Why didn't they know what was going on in in their daughters lives?
They are the parents and they seem to blame everyone but themselves or the girls.
To blame the police is ridiculous , the girls made the choice to go

OP posts:
Scrounger · 09/03/2015 16:09

The money probably came from middle men who "helped" them out and gave them a route. Agree the parents are lashing out, I really feel for them not knowing what will happen and thinking the worst. However this isn't a typical teenage mistake they have gone to join a group that cages a man and then sets him alight, that beheads groups of labourers, attacks journalists and aid workers and enslaves Yazidi (sp?) girls and children. These acts weren't hidden but widely published what did they think it was going to be like? I hope other children learn and don't do the same thing.

Original poster
exmrs · 09/03/2015 16:14

I know many others wouldn't agree with me on this but I also find it strange the parents haven't flown to Syria to try and find the girls.
This is what I would do , I wouldn't sit at home waiting for something to happen.

Whether they have been advised not to travel I don't know

OP posts:
CommanderShepard · 09/03/2015 16:15

I don't think the letters were a catalyst. They were only given out 15 days before the girls left, it would have taken longer than that to apply for a visa for them to enter Turkey.

I've been to Turkey and paid for my visa at Dalaman airport before immigration.

lalalonglegs · 09/03/2015 16:20

The Syrian authorities will imprison any non-nationals caught entering the country without permission (and I can't imagine they would give permission to people wanting to enter IS territory); IS will kidnap anyone entering their territory who they do not believe is there to fight jihad... I guess that is why the families haven't gone out there.

limitedperiodonly · 09/03/2015 16:21

I think EmEyeFaive's posts are all I'd wish to say with JanineStHubbins's coming in a very close second.

Scrounger · 09/03/2015 16:22

Given that special forces can"t find and rescue British and American hostages I don't see what the parents could do.

Middlerose · 09/03/2015 16:23

Islam is not a race. Muslims come in many different races.

Skiptonlass · 09/03/2015 16:23

I may well get totally flamed for this but never mind..

Yes, the parents need to accept liability. We all know that teenagers keep secrets and are generally more tech savvy than their folks. We all know they do daft things. BUT... Daft is generally a bottle of cider/snogging some unsuitable boy/shoplifting etc... It is NOT looking at beheading videos on the web and thinking, "Oooh, yes! Gotta get me some of that."

The root cause of these girls leaving is the environment they were brought up in. A religious environment where no dissent or debate is allowed - A religion where any deviation from canonical texts is apostacy and where unbelievers are muffler. A school environment where we are too afraid to teach critques of various religions.

All these things contribute to ghettoisation. They allow religious dogma to supersede the secular environment that our kids SHOULD have at school.

Yes the parents are liable. If you bring up your kids to know right from wrong and teach them to think critically, they may not be Angels, you may retrieve them from a few drunken parties, but you won't have them run off to join a death cult.

We need to stop pussyfooting around and enforce secularism in our schools and public life.

Skiptonlass · 09/03/2015 16:26

An odd autocorrect. For muffler, read kuffar. Thanks ipad.

limitedperiodonly · 09/03/2015 16:29

We need to stop pussyfooting around and enforce secularism in our schools and public life.

EmEyeFaive · 09/03/2015 16:30

How the heck did they get hold of the cash and their passports for goodness sake?

They can save. People who see value in their choice to go to Syria can donate.

For passports, if their placement is not known, a determined teenager could scuttle around the house when the coast was clear and rootle from time to time until they hit pay dirt. All they need to do is begin the closet rootling in advance of needing to know where their passport is being kept. If they decide to take it immediately, they just have to to hide the whole lot in a different place so if discovered missing the parents think they can't remember where they put them. One missing, red flag. All missing, different story.

If their passport is not under a DECENT lock and key, just hidden, it is accessible. With a little determination and a bucketload of "I'll run the clean washing up and put it away for you...." (thus entry to parents' room, drawers and wardrobes gained with nice arse covering explanation if somebody walks in) it's not that hard to rummage through your parents' stuff if you are after something.

If I can remember think of the above, I'm pretty sure ISIS can too, and make sure the more innocent teenagers get a crash course in how to get around any minor roadblocks like a passport being stashed somewhere in their own home.

HootyMcTooty · 09/03/2015 16:32

Exmrs, I disagree, I wouldn't step foot in IS territory for any reason. Firstly, they would likely get arrested just for entering Syria and if they entered IS territory I wouldn't fancy their chances of getting out alive if it were known they were looking to take their daughters home. Even if they did find them, I don't think they'd have any legal recourse for bringing them home and, even if they did, do you think those girls would be allowed back in the UK without a lengthy stay in prison?

Those girls are gone and I'm sure their parents are all too aware that they're unlikely to see them alive again.

What I find so odd about the whole thing is that these girls are high achievers, who have benefitted from a good education and the freedoms of western society, to the extent that they had money and the freedom to leave. None of them opted to wear a hijab when in the UK, yet they must have known the life that they have chosen will remove all those freedoms from them. I think a huge amount of work needs to be done to explore how young people are being radicalised in order to counteract it. There's a psychology to it which is frightening.

HootyMcTooty · 09/03/2015 16:33

Sorry, I meant full burka not hijab

MorrisZapp · 09/03/2015 16:34

Just in case anybody is still unclear, the letters from the police were not to warn parents about grooming risk. They were to ask for help on another case.

They stated clearly that the girls were not suspected of anything.

Damnautocorrect · 09/03/2015 16:34

Isis have a ridiculous amount of money, so I'm sure they could have funded it.

AlPacinosHooHaa · 09/03/2015 16:35

BUT... Daft is generally a bottle of cider/snogging some unsuitable boy/shoplifting etc... It is NOT looking at beheading videos on the web and thinking, "Oooh, yes! Gotta get me some of that."

YY

limitedperiodonly · 09/03/2015 16:50

How the heck did they get hold of the cash and their passports for goodness sake?

I had a building society account from 16 for birthday and Christmas money and a part time job. My parents were very proud of me for being sensible and didn't monitor it. I could draw that money out without their knowledge because it was mine.

Everyone's passport was easily accessible in a cupboard in the hall. When I went on my first proper holiday on my own I put it and the return tickets in my suitcase under the bed in my hotel room because I had no idea that anyone would want to steal them. I now think I was a bit dopey and very lucky.

I have a safe now. But many people still don't because they don't think security matters or they want easy access in an emergency so put them in a drawer by the door.

straighttothepoint · 09/03/2015 16:54

I agree with skiptonlass. There is something wrong with these girls to go off to Syria. The parents are ... Well.... They should be apologising for their children wasting massive amounts of limited resources in finding their daughters. Apology due from them, certainly not to them.

limitedperiodonly · 09/03/2015 17:08

The parents are ... Well.... They should be apologising for their children wasting massive amounts of limited resources in finding their daughters

At the end of the day, the most important thing is taxpayers' money.

straighttothepoint · 09/03/2015 17:19

Personal responsibility ...... The girls and parents.

Nameforposting · 09/03/2015 17:24

Personal responsibility?
The girls?
The parents?

Yet hardly any posts which place the blame squarely at the feet of the cells/gangs which target, groom and brainwash vulnerable children and adults.

Skiptonlass · 09/03/2015 17:40

Of course the gangs who groomed them are responsible, but really, think back to your teenage self - you might have done daft stuff but this is beyond the pale.

I was an academically bright 16 year old. I did some daft stuff. I stayed out too late, I smoked a few joints...but I would have been appalled, probably quite traumatised, to see a video of someone being burnt to death.

My parents weren't uni educated, and we weren't well off, but we were taught from a young age that we should respect other people, and we were taught a healthy scepticism for any kind of dogma (be it advertising, propaganda or religion.)

These parents failed their kids, and now those girls are going to learn a very harsh life lesson. Yes they were vulnerable to brainwashing, but they were vulnerable BECAUSE of the environment they grew up in.

coleslawSandwuches · 09/03/2015 18:08

Yanbu. The parents have some cheek to blame the police, when their daughters are pursuing a life with brutal murderers.

Crocodopolis · 09/03/2015 18:36

YANBU.

OttiliaVonBCup · 09/03/2015 18:43

Daft stuff is obligatory with teens.
I almost got myself expelled from boarding school.

There's no excuse to run off and join a bunch of murderers though.

With grooming the teens often don't know who they are dealing with, in this case they knew and yet went to join them.

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