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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this mother should have called the school instead of me?

95 replies

Evabeaversprotege · 07/03/2015 15:48

The mother of one of dd's friends rang me last night.

There had been a situation yesterday in school (y9 pupils so 13-year-olds) and her dd has been alleged of cheating in a test.

Apparently she had the answers written on her hands & all the class saw it.
A group of them (including my dd) spoke to the teacher afterwards & made him aware.
He said he'd have to handle it carefully & then spoke to the friend.

Anyway, he told friend it was A who told on her, my dd said that was unfair to just blame A so the rest of them admitted they told the teacher as a group (this girl is always top of the class, first place etc & dd said she was annoyed that friend cheated leaving them all wondering what else she has cheated in)

Anyway, the mum rang ME last night. Said she felt her dd had been stabbed in the back by a so called friend & she was very disappointed, that her dd really has no need to cheat & she wouldn't have her name tarnished.

She asked me to ask dd what happened, so I did & sent her a message outlining her version. She said she believed her daughter was being bullied & the bully had made my dd lie on her dd.

This is honestly not the case, I told her she really should take it up with the school, not me, as I only know that my dd is black & White & had told me that whoever it was had cheated she would have spoken to the teacher.

The mum left it with me saying she wasn't going to speak to the school but wanted me to warn dd that her daughter felt stabbed in the back.

AIBU to ring school on Monday & ask wtf is going on? Or stay well away?

Thanks in advance Smile

OP posts:
Littlefish · 07/03/2015 15:51

I think you need to go in and speak to the school. Once that's done, leave the school to deal with it.

If her daughter had done nothing wrong, she would not be feeling "stabbed in the back".

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 07/03/2015 15:54

The mum left it with me saying she wasn't going to speak to the school but wanted me to warn dd that her daughter felt stabbed in the back.

^ Is that something of a threat?

The teacher has dropped a bollock by actually naming someone to the accused girl.

What does your dd want you to do?

LIZS · 07/03/2015 16:00

Wtf why single out your dd? Tbh I wouldn't have engaged by asking dd for her version and relaying it. It happened at school and they should be dealing with it. Let their hoy or the teacher know you have had a backlash and leave it to them.

Original poster
Evabeaversprotege · 07/03/2015 16:01

It didn't sound like a threat at the time, but when I was telling dh afterwards he was stunned.

Dd hates anything like this - she said she doesn't want to go to school on Monday - said this girl is lying about being bullied & can be somewhat of a bully herself.

The mum told me she's always telling her dd to stand up for herself as she lets people walk over her - that's a totally different description than dd would give & different from what I've witnessed also.

I hate this, dd hates it, I wish she hadn't rang me.

OP posts:
MisForMumNotMaid · 07/03/2015 16:02

Your DD's friends Mum has got rather involved and I'd take great exception at her suggesting i 'warn' one of my DC of anything.

She should have asked at school, but I do understand her enquiring of other parents to keep things informal.

A line is now crossed though because she doesn't sound as though she's enquired, she sounds as though shes throwing out accusations to defend her own DD. Poor child is no doubt under enormous pressure now from mum and friends.

I'd be tempted to have an informal chat with the teacher involved just to ensure there isn't anything else going on.

Original poster
Evabeaversprotege · 07/03/2015 16:03

According to the mum, the teacher told her dd she was the most intelligent girl in that year & people may have reported her as they were envious.

Nothing like reporting her because it's wrong to cheat on tests then? Hmm

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 07/03/2015 16:04

I think the Mum was wrong to ring you. i would make an appointment to see the teacher asap and not engage any further with the Mum.
She isn't dealing with it properly at all.

Original poster
Evabeaversprotege · 07/03/2015 16:04

I am going to ring on Monday - will I speak to class tutor, head of year or the actual teacher involved?

OP posts:
SirVixofVixHall · 07/03/2015 16:06

Very bad of the teacher to leave your dd to be the scapegoat. He should have dealt with the cheating and not involved your dd or the others at all. Is he a total half-wit? It is obvious that the girl will then blame your dd. The school should have dealt with the girl, and her parents. I think you should talk to the school and make that point. Whether the girls mother believes her or not is up to her, it really shouldn't be made your problem. Has the girl not owned up to the teacher? Did she deny it?

KateAdiesEarrings · 07/03/2015 16:07

I'm guessing the parent called you because your DDs are/were friends so they wanted to get another perspective on what had happened. I wouldn't find that odd if it was someone who had my number and our DCs were friends. And, as a DP I wouldn't just be taking my DD's word for it but trying to verify what happened and get a clearer picture by talking to others.

Tell the school if you want but I don't think the other parent was threatening or out of order tbh.

The only conversation I'd have with the school would be about the wisdom of saying who told. However, they might have had a reason for doing so eg if there is a dynamic between those two DCs which might mean they are deliberately causing trouble for each other and the school were trying to establish if the cheating incident was a symptom of something bigger.

Original poster
Evabeaversprotege · 07/03/2015 16:09

Sir, no she didn't own up, despite the fact that the class could see the writing on her hands.

I am so annoyed to be dragged into something that has damn all to do with me!

OP posts:
MisForMumNotMaid · 07/03/2015 16:10

She said, her DD said, the teacher said, so all a bit Chinese whispers.

By the time information is fourth hand its no doubt so reinterpreted that its worth diddly squat.

Your DD did right. Be pleased that she considered what was appropriate to do and with a group of friends they took positive non accusatory action and left it with the teacher to deal with. It is possible the teacher handled it badly, the other mum has. Your DD didn't. Be proud and supportive.

Sometimes doing the right thing isn't the easy way and the information isn't gratefully received but its still the right thing.

Does your DD have a friend within the circle who approached the teacher who could visit/ meet up with tomorrow or before school Monday so she gets a friendship confidence boost before School starts?

Sparklingbrook · 07/03/2015 16:10

I would make an appointment with HOY personally.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 07/03/2015 16:12

Definitely talk to the school, and don't hesitate to get someone else involved who is above this teacher whose judgement is not sound. Talk about putting your child in the firing line! Not impressed at all,

But also is relay the threat and make damned sure that the school recognise it as a threat - I can't see it being said with any other meaning.

Goodluck

Seriouslyffs · 07/03/2015 16:18

Why on earth did you get this involved? The only way to deal with this sort of call is ' I don't know anything about this/ it sounds like a school matter on a loop, thanks for calling...brrrrrrrrrr'

Stillill · 07/03/2015 16:19

It seems blown out of proportion. I personally wouldn't have told the teacher in the first place. If someone is bullied, witnesses bullying, is personally affected by whatever bad behaviour is going on then by all means tell a teacher but I find this kind of telling just tittle tattling. Who cares if someone else may have cheated, just concentrate on your own work and leave them to it.

Was it a threat? I'm not sure. I don't know why she rang you. Maybe her dd is feeling isolated since the whole group told on her and genuinely does feel betrayed (yes she was in the wrong) and the mum has just conveyed this badly.

I wouldn't contact the school and would just leave it to settle down. Surely the girls can sort it between themselves? What does your dd think?

KateAdiesEarrings · 07/03/2015 16:20

MissFor is right. It is all a bit Chinese whispers and it's not really making sense.

If they told and the teacher spoke to the girl then he would have seen the writing on her hands surely? If he'd seen the writing then he wouldn't have implied that the child who told might be jealous.

So it sounds as though the teacher isn't entirely sure that the DC was cheating which means it wasn't as straightforward as the other DCs thought. Or that as well as cheating the other girl also lied completely about what the teacher said. Who knows? But the truth is that neither you, the other mum or your DD know exactly what happened. And even speaking to the school might not clarify that for you because primarily it involves someone else's DC.

BoneyBackJefferson · 07/03/2015 16:20

It may be that the teacher hasn't named your dd.

GhostlyPenguin · 07/03/2015 16:23

My response would be to write a calm letter to the school - head of year or head teacher and teacher - stating what has happen. So they are aware of the situation.

Just - that you were aware from your DD about an incident that was reported to the teacher so the teacher could investigate.

That to your surprise you've then has this other girls parent phone you - then calmly summarise the wild accusations she has flung around like your DD lying and the warning state that your DD is now concerned about this situation escalating - and that you want them aware of what has happened and that you want them to kept an eye on it.

I'd put in in writing - even if you hand it over at end of a chat with the teacher or someone higher up in management - or e-mail or hand in at office.

If she rings again - keep referring her back to the school as it's a situation they need to sort out.

Paper trail means it would be harder to for this girl and her parents should they try and turn it round on your DD like she has done something wrong and give you and your DD reassurance that the school is aware and monitoring. Then leave it to the school to sort out.

Original poster
Evabeaversprotege · 07/03/2015 16:23

Well it's not that easy when someone rings to keep repeating to ring school. I did advise her to go to school,

I'm not sure why the group told the teacher, but dd said had the shoe been on the other foot the friend would have been the first to have complained.

OP posts:
GhostlyPenguin · 07/03/2015 16:25

Why on earth did you get this involved? The only way to deal with this sort of call is ' I don't know anything about this/ it sounds like a school matter on a loop, thanks for calling...brrrrrrrrrr'

^^ I would have done this to start with rather than asking my DC for their version of events and sending it to this other mother.

Having not done that I would suggest now write a letter - so school is aware and can work out what is actually going on - and deal appropriately with it.

Stillill · 07/03/2015 16:26

There must be more to this. How can a whole group of girls notice the cheating but the teacher doesn't? And then he makes a mess of trying to sort it out!

Original poster
Evabeaversprotege · 07/03/2015 16:28

The teacher did not name dd. He named A. Dd & another friend said it was unfair to blame only A & told the friend they were all involved, not just A.

I agree it's all he said, she said, at the minute those details aren't important to me, the thing I'm annoyed about is her ringing me - it wasn't to hear my dd's version, (even though she asked me to ask dd what hsppened) it was to say she was disappointed in my dd.

OP posts:
Seriouslyffs · 07/03/2015 16:34

Eva it really is that easy! 'I'm sorry I don't know anything about this' and as for interrogating your daughter because mad mum told you to! Shock
I'm not surprised DH was shocked and DD doesn't want to go to school on Monday. You should have a) Terminated the call and b) shielded your DD from it's contents.

MisForMumNotMaid · 07/03/2015 16:36

I agree with what seriously says, but confess I'd probably have been drawn in and done the same as you. Its not easy, is it!

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