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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this mother should have called the school instead of me?

95 replies

Evabeaversprotege · 07/03/2015 15:48

The mother of one of dd's friends rang me last night.

There had been a situation yesterday in school (y9 pupils so 13-year-olds) and her dd has been alleged of cheating in a test.

Apparently she had the answers written on her hands & all the class saw it.
A group of them (including my dd) spoke to the teacher afterwards & made him aware.
He said he'd have to handle it carefully & then spoke to the friend.

Anyway, he told friend it was A who told on her, my dd said that was unfair to just blame A so the rest of them admitted they told the teacher as a group (this girl is always top of the class, first place etc & dd said she was annoyed that friend cheated leaving them all wondering what else she has cheated in)

Anyway, the mum rang ME last night. Said she felt her dd had been stabbed in the back by a so called friend & she was very disappointed, that her dd really has no need to cheat & she wouldn't have her name tarnished.

She asked me to ask dd what happened, so I did & sent her a message outlining her version. She said she believed her daughter was being bullied & the bully had made my dd lie on her dd.

This is honestly not the case, I told her she really should take it up with the school, not me, as I only know that my dd is black & White & had told me that whoever it was had cheated she would have spoken to the teacher.

The mum left it with me saying she wasn't going to speak to the school but wanted me to warn dd that her daughter felt stabbed in the back.

AIBU to ring school on Monday & ask wtf is going on? Or stay well away?

Thanks in advance

OP posts:

TheSkiingGardener · 07/03/2015 22:25

Of course they did the right thing by telling. It's called moral fucking responsibility. "Nobody likes a snitch" is the classic bully/cheats playground comeback to get away with their shit.

Hakluyt · 07/03/2015 22:25

I am amazed that so many people are condoning telling tales for something like this. As I said, tales are for when someone is really hurt or really upset. If other people break the rules it's up to them. And this is beginning to sound like a witch hunt to me.......

AcrossthePond55 · 07/03/2015 22:25

Irene, seriously? You think that cheating is ok? Do you understand the concept of grading on a curve?

Do you also believe that one shouldn't report a crime in progress?

Oh hell!! Must be a troll.

ApocalypseNowt · 07/03/2015 22:27

Actually I'd expect adults in a work situation to think and act for themselves and not to go around in big groups complaining about colleagues, especially if they haven't all first hand have definite evidence about the complaint.

We don't know what the other mother is or isn't doing. Just like we don't know if this girl did or didn't cheat. Or who did or didn't think they saw it.

Thymeout - there's an awful lot of looking around and craning necks in your scenario. The teacher must have been a complete plant pot to miss all the goings on in this exam....

Momagain1 · 07/03/2015 22:38

Who cares if someone else may have cheated, just concentrate on your own work and leave them to it.

really? is this how you would feel if the cheater grew up to work for a bank?

Of course the other children should report a cheater, though I feel sorry for the girl, sounds like she struggles to meet her mothers expectations, and its turning her into a bullying cheat.

Callooh · 07/03/2015 22:46

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AliceLidl · 07/03/2015 23:02

Why did the teacher name A?

That seems a bit odd. Why not just say "another student has raised a concern…" and not named names?

If they feel they can't act on what your DD and the other girls reported because they have no proof other than the word of some of the students, they can still talk to the girl accused of cheating in that way.

They could tell her concerns have been raised, ask for her account of what happened and then leave her be, without punishment, but still aware that a close eye will be kept on all the students next time.

OP's DD seems to have a strong moral code. Reporting someone she believed was cheating, okay some may call it telling tales and others may think it was the right thing to do. But she also refused to let her other friend, A, take the blame alone and spoke up about her own part in reporting what they saw to the teacher.

However children can also take things to extremes when they feel something is not fair, and I'd be having words with my child to say that they shouldn't be pushing things any further with the girl they reported. They've passed it on to the teacher to deal with, they need to leave it there now and not do something like ignore the girl or spread rumours through the school or anything.

I also would not be happy about the mother of this girl ringing me at home and telling me to 'warn' my child of anything.

And I would be raising that with the school, as well as concerns about having one child singled out and named as whistleblower. Firstly because a group of children we involved and secondly because it wasn't necessary to name any of them if no further action was being taken against the girl accused of cheating.

APlaceInTheWinter · 08/03/2015 00:20

Thymeout we don't know if the other mum spoke to the school or not. She may have spoken to the school and they may have supported her DD's versions of events, hence why she called the OP.

Surely the only certainty in this is that the school would tell a parent if they thought their child had cheated

Original poster

Evabeaversprotege · 08/03/2015 00:51

Hi, op here.

No, as far as I'm aware school didn't speak to the other mum. It was her dd who came home & told her mum lies had been told on her.

I don't know if the teacher checked the girls arms, dd didn't know either as she had left by then.

She said if it had been her cheating & her friends told she'd feel hurt but try to understand why.

I can't namecheck on phone, just wanted to say what they have done isn't necessarily what I would have done, but it is what it is.

And my comment about the girl feeling under pressure came purely from the convo with her mum last night.

She is very clever, she doesn't have any need to cheat, I just hate the fact we're mixed up in this. My dd is very much a right/wrong person & there's no way anyone would railroad her into telling lies or saying she saw something she didn't.

Thanks for all advice, I think I'll leave it now & have a think before Monday. I'm not taking this lightly but also don't want to get more involved than I already am (through no fault of my own)

OP posts:

APlaceInTheWinter · 08/03/2015 01:01

Sorry OP I just assumed the school would speak to the parent.

Since they haven't then I guess you do have to speak to them on Monday so they can speak to the other mum and they can clarify what happened.

HamishBamish · 08/03/2015 09:20

there's an awful lot of looking around and craning necks in your scenario. The teacher must have been a complete plant pot to miss all the goings on in this exam....

Exactly. I fail to see how the teacher could miss someone cheating so blatantly when 'all the class saw it'. To be honest, I would be wondering why my child wasn't paying attention to her own test answers and wasting her time looking at what other people were doing. Invigilating the test is the teacher's responsibility. If OP's DD really was genuinely concerned about the girl cheating, then she should have approached the teacher on her own, not got together with a posse of other classmates and complained as a group. Notifying the teacher in itself wasn't the wrong thing to do, but they way it was done was and that's why this incident smacks of bullying to me.

Original poster

Evabeaversprotege · 08/03/2015 09:42

Hamish, you're entitled to your opinion & I did want opinion which is why I posted here, but I have explained that there was no craning of necks, the friend asked people who had sat the test prior what the questions were like & what some of the answers were) one of these girls were among the group that went to speak to the teacher.

Like I have said before, I'd rather dd would have stayed out of it, if it were me Im not sure I'd have handled it the way they did but (and I know I sound like I'm in denial & my dd can do no wrong) there's no way this group are bullying her, honestly.

Posting here has thrown up a lot of questions for me too which I'm thankful for ie: writing on her hand, how'd the teacher not see it? If it wasn't there then questions need asked of dd & the class group (which I would totally expect & support the school in)

The mum said she wasn't contacting the school which seems odd to me.

OP posts:

Hakluyt · 08/03/2015 09:54

So "all the class saw it" was an exaggeration?

ragged · 08/03/2015 09:56

Sorry you're going thru this, I like what KatieAddiesEarrings wrote near start of thread, the cheater's mom is just trying to find a resolution that isn't as painful as the truth. I can find some sympathy for how she feels even though she shouldn't have rung you. I don't think I would ring the school, I'm sure they will figure out for themselves that cheater's mom wants to dispute things. I would briefly tell your DD about the conversation with cheater's mom, though. Your DD sounds like a good lass not to let the one girl take all the blame as a grass.

I reckon you step back & not engage with other mom or any of this soap opera except to listen to your DD if she needs sympathetic ear, steer the unhappy mother back to the school if she contacts you again.

Original poster

Evabeaversprotege · 08/03/2015 10:05

Haklyut: I wasn't there - and I'm not asking dd again but the way she described it it seems to have taken place in a corridor whilst the class were queuing for a lesson?

I don't know. The more I think about it the more questions are raised. I think there's more to it but I'm adamant dd isn't involved in any vendetta or ganging up - I know you just have my word for it on an Internet forum but she's so against bullying, racism, homophobia, she's so into doing the right thing that I can only think she didn't really think about allegiance to her friend but the fact cheating isn't right. I don't know, I just don't know.

Anyway, my post wasn't to dispute over the cheating, that's up to school to sort out, I just feel pulled into something now & feel involved when I shouldn't have been.

However, please be reassured that if anything comes out of this such as dd was in any way wrong, I will deal with it.

OP posts:

Jakadaal · 08/03/2015 10:20

This happened in school so school should deal with it. Other mum out of order in my book for not wanting to speak to school

FastForward2 · 08/03/2015 16:57

No you are nbu op. This happened to me once and made me feel sick, my y6 son had apparently walloped teachers pet in the playground, how the hell am I supposed to stop fights in the playground, completely out of character my son never hit anyone else so i suspect he was taunted. As others say I think teacher should definitely deal with it, nothing to do with you. I hope your daughter is OK. I would just phone the school if you are worried about your daughter, or do nothing, it will pass. The other mother is being rediculous and should be totally ignored. Tell your daughter she is not the problem here, she has done nothing wrong although perhaps unwise, the other girl probably feels even worse. People who cheat in tests are wasting everyones time and the cheater is probably embarrassed at her own stupidity. If your daughter feels bullied in any way and feels she does not want to go to school you could phone the school and explain how she feels in case it gets worse they can keep an eye on her, they will know what to do. I would phone the school reception and ask to be referred to the appropriate person as I would not really know Who to talk to, and also ask your daughter what she wants you to do, as that will give her some control. She may have a particular teacher she gets in well with who could help.

Jux · 08/03/2015 20:01

DD's school would expect cheating to be reported. Any exam board would expect cheating to be dealt with.

These aren't babies, these are children approaching serious work which will be marked by external boards.

Happy36 · 08/03/2015 20:03

I would stay well out of it but let your daughter know to tell you if anyone makes her feel upset over this.

Happy36 · 08/03/2015 20:03

By the way no you´re not being unreasonable. The mother should have called the school, or just told her daughter to take the punishment she deserved!

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