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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this mother should have called the school instead of me?

95 replies

Evabeaversprotege · 07/03/2015 15:48

The mother of one of dd's friends rang me last night.

There had been a situation yesterday in school (y9 pupils so 13-year-olds) and her dd has been alleged of cheating in a test.

Apparently she had the answers written on her hands & all the class saw it.
A group of them (including my dd) spoke to the teacher afterwards & made him aware.
He said he'd have to handle it carefully & then spoke to the friend.

Anyway, he told friend it was A who told on her, my dd said that was unfair to just blame A so the rest of them admitted they told the teacher as a group (this girl is always top of the class, first place etc & dd said she was annoyed that friend cheated leaving them all wondering what else she has cheated in)

Anyway, the mum rang ME last night. Said she felt her dd had been stabbed in the back by a so called friend & she was very disappointed, that her dd really has no need to cheat & she wouldn't have her name tarnished.

She asked me to ask dd what happened, so I did & sent her a message outlining her version. She said she believed her daughter was being bullied & the bully had made my dd lie on her dd.

This is honestly not the case, I told her she really should take it up with the school, not me, as I only know that my dd is black & White & had told me that whoever it was had cheated she would have spoken to the teacher.

The mum left it with me saying she wasn't going to speak to the school but wanted me to warn dd that her daughter felt stabbed in the back.

AIBU to ring school on Monday & ask wtf is going on? Or stay well away?

Thanks in advance

OP posts:

Original poster

Evabeaversprotege · 07/03/2015 16:45

She launched into it & I wasn't even fully aware of what she was talking about - I'd been home 20 mins & had heard half a story from dd.

I know in future that will be my reaction but I was totally caught off guard & was surprised she thought it ok to call me.

OP posts:

RJnomore · 07/03/2015 16:48

If I was the other mother, I would be considering why my daughter was under so much pressure she felt the need to cheat in the first place and then to lie about it when blatantly caught out.

But that would require having a long hard look at herself I guess.

If she contacts you again, don't discuss, don't debate, shut it down and refer her to the school.

ApocalypseNowt · 07/03/2015 17:04

Maybe this other girl didn't cheat? The writing on her hand could have been anything in which case she may have felt bullied and ganged up on. The girl's mother should have handled it differently but if her girl is in bits maybe she wasn't in an entirely rational frame of mind? And OP as pointed out by PP should have kept to 'that sounds like a school matter/talk to the school' response.

Anyway - these things are always easier to should have in hindsight. Concentrate on how you can handle it from here on in OP....quick chat with the school is probably best.

MrsCaptainReynolds · 07/03/2015 17:19

It does sound kind of unlikely that this girl did cheat. Kids don't just become top of the class thru test results, do they? It'd have been fairly obvious to the teacher long before now if said girl was decidedly average but was miraculously getting top marks in tests.

If I had to bet on a likely truth in this scenario, I'd say bright girl had something innocent written on her hands and the other girls indulged in a group folie convincing themselves that she was cheating and of their own righteousness in reporting it, not so much conscious lying but a little bit of group fantasy driven by jealousy.

Doesn't change the fact that the mother shouldn't have called you and you shouldnt have engaged with it. But it is horrible to be ganged up on like this and I guess her mother acted out of a little desperation.

KateAdiesEarrings · 07/03/2015 17:20

Maybe she thought it was ok to call you because she thought your DD had got caught up in a bullying situation and you might want to know about it? It sounds like she believed that her DD didn't cheat. That the teacher spoke to her because he felt child A was causing trouble. Then when her DD told your DD, your DD and another girl said they were party to it too.

I understand you believe your DD's version of events but I'm not sure how you can be absolutely certain that your DD interpreted the situation correctly. And I also don't understand why you're so confused about her calling you. She explained why she was calling.

SuperMoonIsKeepingMeUpToo · 07/03/2015 17:20

I wouldn't involve the school, but if you really want to, speak to the teacher concerned; HOYs etc have enough to deal with and would probably only refer you to that teacher anyway. The mother sound like a total PITA. I'd say tell her you're not going to warn your daughter as she advised (bloody cheek!) and don't engage any further.

IDontDoIroning · 07/03/2015 17:25

If she was blatantly cheating then your dd and her friends did the right thing.
It's not a trivial matter at all. She could be sitting GCSES in a year or so and cheating in these exams is a serious matter.
If she was caught doing this in an external exam it would affect the school and all her exams sat in that session would be null and void. Cheating devalues the work of other students who don't cheat like your df and they did the right thing in reporting it.

It seems that this hasn't been handled well at all. The teacher should not have named anyone at all, whether it was a single person or a large group who brought it to his attention.

The cheating girl should not have said anything least of all complaining about being caught or reported. She should be ashamed but it seems she is aggreived at being caught. However good for your dd for telling her that it wasn't just A but the whole group of them.

Her mum is deluded if she honestly can see anything wrong in her daughter being found cheating and also thinking that her being reported is bullying.

I think you need to speak to the school as naming the girl (wrongly ) who reported the cheat Is wrong. The mum must be put right as she should not be ringing you and certainly not making any kind of implied threat to your dd.

Hakluyt · 07/03/2015 17:26

Bit difficult to write enough to make you top of the class on your hands, I would have though. The whole thing sounds a bit odd.

TheSolitaryWanderer · 07/03/2015 17:31

MrsC and Apocalypse may be onto something there with that particular line of thought.
DS was accused of cheating because of the writing on his hands and arms that was seen in a test. On closer examination, they were all alchemaic symbols that he thought would protect him from the evil wishes and thoughts of others who wanted him to fail. (he was going through a weirder than average phase, along with paranoia possibly linked to his AS)
The point being that the writing wasn't linked to cheating. The girl may have had writing on her hands that was entirely unrelated.
Talk to the teacher and explain the situation so far and then they can monitor the fallout.

Rivercam · 07/03/2015 17:31

If your Dd and this girl are friends, and you knew the mum, then I don't see anything wrong for her to contact you to get another version of events.

Writing on skin is difficult to wash off, so surely it was fairly easy for mum or the teacher to see what was written.

However, if the mum is really concerned about her daughter being bullied, then she should contact the school. I don't know what I would do, but maybe you can suggest this to her.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 07/03/2015 17:31

I'd keep well out of it too as regards what happened at school. That's none of your business.

The other mother's behaviour is bonkers and totally misdirected. Instead of worrying about why her daughter was cheating and felt the need to cheat she's ranting at everyone else and making them out to be at fault too.

If my daughter had been caught cheating at school I'd want to keep it as quiet as possible.

rumbleinthrjungle · 07/03/2015 17:38

I would definitely talk to a senior manager rather than the teacher, the point is not whether or not the child WAS cheating, the point is that the other children did the right thing to question it, the teacher didn't handle the situation well and this mother has handled it even worse, a whole lot of bad feeling has been caused and this is what needs sorting out on Monday. If the teacher hasn't thought far ahead enough to realise that naming one child to another is a really bad idea, then I wouldn't be looking to them to know how to repair this, and a manager needs to be advising them on damage limitation strategies.

Hakluyt · 07/03/2015 17:40

Telling tales is for when someone is really hurt or really upset. Who benefits from this little piece of nastiness?

lem73 · 07/03/2015 17:43

Personally I think this mother is angry that her perfect little child is in trouble, has your number and has used it to take it out on you. I do find her language intimidating, if not exactly threatening and I would put it in writing to the school. Make it clear that you do not want this to escalate.
Was she punished for cheating? Personally at that age, I would have not have told on something and stayed well out of it. However even if what was written was innocent it is well known you do not have things written on your hands going into a test.
Did she call you on your mobile? I'd block the number.

Thymeout · 07/03/2015 17:43

We don't know that the teacher actually did say what the girl reported re being the most intelligent girl in the year, others being envious... This doesn't ring true to me. It's more likely she made it up to cast doubt on the original accusation of cheating. She's trying to get out of trouble with her mum.

Too much second-hand reporting here. I'd write an email to HoY, explaining you've had this phone call, asking what happened and what is being done about it.

I think they were right to report it to the teacher. And I'm glad they supported friend A. The girl needs to learn now that cheating is serious. If she cheats in a public exam it will have serious implications for her future career. Her mother should not have rung you. Sounds as if she's having a problem accepting that her daughter has done this. Easy enough to get drawn into a conversation when you're taken by surprise.

I'd believe your daughter, because she hasn't anything to gain by lying. 'The whole class saw it.' Easy to check. And she wasn't girl A. Whereas the girl accused of cheating has a LOT to lose.

ApocalypseNowt · 07/03/2015 17:47

The whole class saw it Just how big are this girl's hands.....?

Thymeout · 07/03/2015 17:49

Hak - dates, formulae for maths or science, don't take up much room. It's not the first time someone's tried to cheat in this way.

Hakluyt · 07/03/2015 17:49

So the whole class saw the writing and knew it was cheating? How big is this class? Who read the actual words?

Sounds like groupthink to me. There will have been a ringleader who started it- then the others will have joined in.

Original poster

Evabeaversprotege · 07/03/2015 18:00

It's a split class - half the class sat the test prior to this half.

The friend allegedly asked a few who had sat it previously for the answers or what kind of questions were asked.

I'm wary of believing dd also, but they are close friends (the group of them) & although my instinct wouldn't have been to tell on my friend what's done is done & I can't change it.

I agree she's unlikely to be top of the class through this one test but I'm concerned that the child does feel under pressure to perform.

Just to be clear - she's not accusing dd or any of the group of bullying her - she's accusing a girl in another class. There was an incident over the summer where the girl was being slated on Instagram & being called perfect etc & more recently she was suspended from a PE lesson for having a tantrum as she didn't come first in some event. Dd & the group have always supported her.

Thanks everyone for the opinions, I am taking them all on board. I wish I could turn the clock back & tell her dd was away & to speak to school. I did tell her to speak to school but she said she already involved them re: bullying & didn't want to contact them again.

OP posts:

balletgirlmum · 07/03/2015 18:04

I don't buy the argument that because she is too of the class anyway she couldn't have been cheating.

My dd is top of the class in French. She was caught cheating in a test by having vocab written on her arms. Stupid thing is she knew the stuff so well she had absolutely no reason to cheat.

In her case she had copied others doing the same who didn't get caught.

But that's no excuse, she was still cheating & had to face the consequences.

HamishBamish · 07/03/2015 18:06

The whole thing sounds fishy to me. Like others have said, this girl didn't get to be top of the class by cheating. If the whole class could see the writing on her hands, why didn't the teacher? Sounds like a case of the ring leader whipping up class hysteria to be. I also find it a bit odd that the whole class should take it upon themselves to report another pupil like that. It's not really a matter for them to take up is it?

APlaceInTheWinter · 07/03/2015 18:10

The fact is that there could be a perfectly plausible explanation that means the girl wasn't cheating. She could be being bullied and the OP's DD was either unwittingly drawn into it or was party to it.

It's also plausible that the girl was cheating and is lying desperately to get out of trouble. It's a bit of a short-sighted theory on her part because presumably the cheating will be reported officially to the girl's parents.

I'd have been more interested in the conversation the teacher had with the other parent than the hearsay of the DCs tbh as both the children could easily have their own agendas here.

mummytime · 07/03/2015 18:11

The simple thing is: if it happens in school let school deal with it. I've never had a parent phone me about something that has happened in school, but I have had a pupil tell me something one of my DC was supposed to have done - I told them to talk to the teacher.

In your case I would have said, "Sorry this happened in school it is up to school to deal with it." And hung up if she continued (politely as I could).

You need to tell HOY, to get the business investigated. Actually if the girl is top of the class it might just show there are some issues with undue pressure from home.

GokTwo · 07/03/2015 18:19

Balletgirl that is a very honest post, I'm sorry your dd felt worried enough to do that. Surely in this case the teacher will have looked at the writing on her hands and seen whether or not she was cheating? He wouldn't have just taken other people's word for it?

I disagree that you should have shielded your dd from the conversation. She's 13 not 5! You needed to talk to her and hear her side of the story. Don't beat yourself up about it. Leave it up to the school now.

Hakluyt · 07/03/2015 18:28

Interesting that you are now concerned about pressure on this girl to perform.......

What did you say to your own dd about telling tales? How was she so very sure this girl was cheating?

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