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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or does charity beat everything?

82 replies

feckfeckfeck · 06/03/2015 22:53

I've name changed because while I don't think I'm BU I've never posted my own AIBU before and quite frankly I'm terrified if this all goes wrong for me. But I digress, on to the tale of woe:

Nice day here today so DS (3) & I decided to go for a very exciting long walk to the big supermarket on the other side of town. While we're getting ready to go out DS was playing with my purse, taking out coins and putting them into this little purse his gran gave him. I checked and he'd taken about £3 - £4 in pound coins and 20p & 50p pieces. He then put his purse in his backpack and told me he would pay for the shopping today. So far, so cute.

Got to the shop, wandered around, picked up a few things then went to pay. At the till there was two staff members, one on till, one doing something else. DS charms them both by chatting away and I get bags ready, get my purse out to pay and try and clear up for both of them what DS is talking about.

The staff member not on till asks lots of usual questions about DS and I answer as I put the shopping in the bags. Then I notice DS and the till lady are counting something out and I think "oh, he's trying to pay the lady for the shopping" but when I look to see whats happening (yes I was distracted although he was next to me) I see the till lady holding a charity collection tub towards DS and she's helping him count all the coins from his little purse into the tub.

I told him to stop and had a look at what was left - just the 20p's. I must have looked at the till lady like this Shock as she just shrugged and said at least it was for charity. I looked at the woman I was taking to and she said something like "aww, at least it's for a good thing, not on sweets" (not verbatim). I stuck my card in the reader to pay and finally said I didn't think it was on the encourage a 3 year old to put all their money in the collection tub without asking their parent if it was ok. The woman on the till said nothing but the other one said (head tilted to the side and sounding sympathetic) "I know, but it is for charity" (that is verbatim, it's burned into my memory!)

I scoffed and left with DS, him asking did he pay for the shopping. I said yes.

So, AIBU in thinking you don't encourage little kids to put money in charity collection boxes without asking their parents first or does charity trump everything?

I know people will say I shouldn't have let DS keep the money. I know if it had been lost in other ways it would have been my fault but what happened today feels like it's been taken from him under my nose.

And yes I wasn't given him my full attention but he was at my side, I thought he was just talking to the woman.

The worst thing is I didn't even look to see what charity it was for. Knowing my luck it will be something dumb like a doll museum Angry

OP posts:
ChipDip · 06/03/2015 22:56

Yabu, it happened right in front of you. Nobody else to be angry with there I'm afraid.

Shockers · 06/03/2015 23:01

Actually, I think that, given he was a three year old, she should have said, Let's ask Mummy if that's ok.

In most cases, a few pound coins aren't a three year old's to give away.

bette06 · 06/03/2015 23:05

YANBU. As you've said, it would your responsibility if the money was lost in other ways (e.g. due to your 3 year-old being naturally careless and losing it) but in this case an adult was actively trying to persuade the child to do something where they would have reasonably believed that the money didn't belong to the child and that the child wasn't really capable of understanding their actions (ie he thought he was paying for the shopping). That is dishonest behaviour.

BackforGood · 06/03/2015 23:07

I too think that if you are happy for your ds to have the money with him, and that you were there with him all the time it must have taken for him to get the purse out the back pack and then open the purse and then post all the coins into the collecting tin, then it's your decision.
I wouldn't let a 3 yr old play with money I needed - it's either "losable" or not, IMO - you chose to let him have it.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 06/03/2015 23:09

Well you gave him the money to 'pay' for the shopping and that's what he kind of did. A 3 year old doesn't know the difference between a £2 coin and a 20p - you should have not given him money in his purse if you couldn't afford to lose it.

LaurieFairyCake · 06/03/2015 23:09

At least now you know he's too young to be given money.

Consider it a cheap(er) lesson learned. At least he didn't have your notesGrin

MrsCakesPrecognition · 06/03/2015 23:09

I'd complain to the management. It isn't on to take money from pre-schoolers who don't understand what is happening.

Would she think it is OK to help herself to the change of an elderly person and put it in the charity tin? (And I've seen plenty of elderly people trusting till staff to take the right money out of their purse.)

Shockers · 06/03/2015 23:13

Too young to be given money??

Someone watched him count it out into her collecting tin. He's three, his mum was busy packing her shopping. It's wrong!

Original poster
feckfeckfeck · 06/03/2015 23:17

Yes, I shouldn't have let him play with the money. That was dumb.

It's the way he was encouraged (helped to count out and had the tub handed towards him) that annoyed me.

And the "it's for charity" defense really pissed me off.

OP posts:
TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 06/03/2015 23:19

Plenty of parents give their kids coins to put in charity collections or buckets - it's not necessarily extortion - just a reasonable mistake.

MrsCs · 06/03/2015 23:25

YANBU - allowing a three year old a small amount of money is a good way of beginning to teach them about numbers and money in general. It was not the place of a charity worker to encourage him to hand it over without your permission.

I used to let my younger sister pay for small items for herself, like a magazine, at this age and we'd talk through 'you have £2, the magazine is £1.40 so you'll have so much left etc'. I'd be disgusted if someone had tried to take advantage of her like that.

debbriana · 06/03/2015 23:27

I think you should call the supermarket head office and make a complaint. Let them know how you feel. They do listen. Believe me I make complaints all the time. It was wrong what they did. Probably you needed the money too. They cannot assume he was going to buy sweats. That is wrong.

Original poster
feckfeckfeck · 06/03/2015 23:28

If he'd put the money in a collection box himself or fed it down the drain I would be mad at me.

I'm just uncomfortable with another adult telling him to put it all their collection box. It felt really dishonest.

I'll give him the coppers from now on.

OP posts:
KingJoffreyFanciesDarylDixon · 06/03/2015 23:30

Nah, not on.

Charities have no morals now, though.

Was bad enough with the constant bags to fill, the hammering on the door and the street harassment that's most likely caused the rise in online shopping. They really have emerged from The Dark Side.

Robbing three year olds is a low blow, but just another tactic.

DoJo · 06/03/2015 23:31

I can see why you are annoyed - would he have been able to put the money into the tub under his own steam had they not 'helped' him? I understand that it's not so much a question of whether or not you could 'afford' to lose the money as whether it was something you would have wanted your son to do with the money in his possession.

Even in the charity shop that we go into regularly for the sole purpose of my son putting coins into the collection box, when he dropped 5p on the floor the man behind the counter gave it back to me to decide whether it went in the collection or not!

TheRealMaryMillington · 06/03/2015 23:32

YANBU, she's fleeced him (and you) for chariddee

No, it's not ok

Though you should probably have stepped in.

Fumnudge · 06/03/2015 23:33

YANBU
If it happened to me I doubt I would have had enough to pay for the goods.
I often let my (ok, 6 yr old) pay the cashier with the only money I have. My Dd would just hand over the money and be too shy to question the cashier.

FiftyShadesofFey · 06/03/2015 23:38

I think it was bloody cheeky of them, tbh. Dare you name and shame?

Original poster
feckfeckfeck · 06/03/2015 23:41

DoJo good point. I'm not sure if he could have reached on his own. But she was handing the tub down to him.

Just to make it clear this wasn't money I was going to pay with. It was emergency coffee/bus fare/treatmomoney.

Yes, the dark side in Joffrey.

OP posts:
juneandjuly · 06/03/2015 23:44

YANBU. He's three, he obviously doesn't really know what's going on and thought it was just a game. She took advantage of that, and the fact it was for charity doesn't make it OK.

QOD · 06/03/2015 23:45

I think that was well put of order ... really mean :(

Original poster
feckfeckfeck · 06/03/2015 23:45

Fifty, I want to but what if "they" are listening.

It was one of the big ones.

OP posts:
ilovemargaretatwood8931 · 06/03/2015 23:47

I think YANBU. OK, you were distracted at the till, (though only by packing the shopping away), and he had the money in his own purse (perhaps something like this was inevitable), BUT they took advantage of this.

Your 3 year old was playing with the money. They took advantage of him plain and simple. I think you should complain to the shop!

Faez · 06/03/2015 23:47

They took advantage, I'd be pretty pissed off.

KingJoffreyFanciesDarylDixon · 06/03/2015 23:48

What charity was it.

Spill.

Might be on The Wright Stuff by morning.